Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, that you're a Dominant and not submissive?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, that you're a Dominant and not submissive? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, that yo... - 3/23/2007 8:45:36 AM   
geekyboy


Posts: 10
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Northern Ohio
Status: offline 		This happens to me every now and then. Somebody gets into a conversation with me and they feel the need to blurt out that I seem Dominant to them and not at all like a submissive. I don't quite understand this phenomenon, but oddly enough it's always a submissive female around my age that does this identification.

I've explored my life in kink extensively with heavy meditative reflection and observation and even participation. And I'd like to think that I know myself a wee bit more than anybody else on this planet.

Yet, the accusers always seem so insistant that I have not displayed any qualities of a submissive in conversation.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but, I'm--above all--just me when talking on the phone or chatting. I seek not to convey any particular view other than myself. I'd like to feel that someone will accept me (Chris) well before we even have the trust level to actually expose my submissive side to a person.

Oddly enough, I don't act none too different from many other subs, albeit of the female persuasion. But they get labeled as fiesty, and me? Well I get told that I'm really just a Dom in disguise. Heh.

Also, on another curious note, I love intellectual conversation and seldomly get it. I love point-counter-point conversation because it really evokes interesting and stimulating conversation. Does this make me argumentitive? I guess my partner on the phone was expecting a more silly conversation, but at the time I was studying and in that mind-set I just love intelligible competitive rhetoric. And came up the part where I was told to be a Dom, and I felt the need to argue my side of it. All she wanted was me to say "I disagree" and not even hear what I had to say. That's boring conversation to me.

I feel in the end, the conversation that brought this up was simply a person that didn't "click" with me. Also, she mayhap be trying to get me to Dom her, because she's interested in me, but is a strict uber-submissive/slave type and wouldn't dare have another sub as a boyfriend.

Anyway, I rambled there, solid questions to answer:

Have you (submissive) been labeled as Dominant at a time? What was your reaction to it? How often does it happen?

Is there a threshold of actions that one MUST do to convey their stance in the lifestyle at all times lest they get mis-labeled?

Why do we have to label before we speak? Why do we have to label at all?

What is up with this God-Person?

Can I have a hug?

_____________________________

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God, who has endowed us with sense and reason, has intended us to forgo their use." -- G.G.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 8:52:32 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Happens to most of us often.

And just as often subs get told that they act "very naturally submissive" (usually to try and woo them)

You just have to laugh at them and their stereotypes, thank them for being so observant and move on.

It is simply a fact of the scene that people will equate traditional dominant personality to "being a dom" and traditional submissive personality to 'being a sub" no matter how many counter examples there are.

Be yourself and enjoy.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to geekyboy)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 9:05:38 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hey Chris,
Don't let it bother you.
Often people that are Dominant in day to day life make wonderful submissive partners.
I'm not a switch or a top in any way & I get people think I'm more geared to being a Dom rather than sub too.
Hell at the store Chained Desires in Baltimore MD they have a dog there in the store that (lol) only trys to hump a Dom's legs.
Well as soon as I was close enough for his leash to let him near my leg he started trying to hump me. So even a dog thinks I'm Dom.
What counts is I know who I am & where I feel I fit in.
At this point I'm fully and only sub in my heart and mind.
I've also learned to never say never, who knows maybe five years from now I'll feel differently or maybe not.
All that matters is I know me no matter which side of the whip I think I belong on or any one else thinks I belong on.
I'll do what feels natural and right for me.
suzanne

(in reply to geekyboy)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 9:07:42 AM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		*grinning* I usually get told initially how I'm such a natural sub and then not long after I get told I'm too much a Dominant to be a submissive, this from Doms I refuse to submit to right off the bat and they can be pretty nasty about how they put it too. I'm just me and I know who and what I am better than anyone else, most especially a stranger.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 9:11:52 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		At times people confuse an outgoing personality as not being submissive. Just because you don't come off all timid and meak sounding does not make less submissive.  These females may in fact just be more submissive in nature compared to you.  You might be the great workings of an Alpha sub, have you ever thought about that? Take it as a compliment and roll with it.  Think of yourself as being an alpha sub when they accuse you of being dominant.



(in reply to geekyboy)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 9:25:44 AM   
tulipgoose


Posts: 112
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline 		Oh gosh... I get told in any tone imaginable that I am in fact a Dom, Mistress, bit(h, sub, "perfect slave" and almost anything else you can come up with as far as labels go. The fact of the matter is that I am neither submissive nor Dominant... If anything I'm a "switch" or "normal" as far as these things go, without being Vanilla. Although, I have even been called that before! Go figure! You are what you are. What you are with one or a few may not be, nor does it have to be what you are with many others or the general public. Some of the best "submissives" are quite content being Dominant in day to day life and need such a balance to survive, while others tend to be meek, shy, or more "naturally submissive"......

Oh, and I felt the need to add: Sometimes "natural submission" can be dangerous... I mean, imagine if every "submissive" just did what everyone told them to do.... They'd not be around very long! We need to protect ourselves somehow, and if someone claims that makes us Dominant, well, fine! Let them believe that! We're just living in reality, with good heads on our shoulders and have the potential of being better submissives (by actually keeping ourselves alive!) for it!

< Message edited by tulipgoose -- 3/23/2007 9:30:08 AM >

(in reply to geekyboy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 9:47:22 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I've been told that I don't seem "very submissive" or "submissive enough".  I take that to mean that the Dom making those comments can't handle an independent girl and wants an automaton .  Any guy like that is not the guy for me  

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to tulipgoose)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 9:52:00 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		All that is required of a submissive is to be polite and exhibit good manners, in general, unless you have consented to be submissive toward a specific Dominant ~ whether that be online, phone or in real life.  The Dominants you mention in your post are simply wanting to throw their weight around and presume they are powerful.  A good Dominant knows the art of making you want to voluntarily serve them without degrading remarks, trying to woo you or trying to make others look small in an attempt to make themselves appear more powerful.

You aren't doing anything wrong in just being who you are.  Remember, as a submissive, always keep your identity and don't give up until you find a Dominant who is secure enough to respect you for who you really are.  Best wishes to you in your search.

LBO

(in reply to tulipgoose)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 9:56:03 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		btw . . . hugggggggs

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 10:00:58 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		It is one of those false stereotypes that happen I am guessing to most submissives who are around long enough, that submissive means some sort of combination of demur, weak, dependent and other things of this nature to many people which is of course not the case. So when a submissive can express an opinion, defend themselves, not be a wallflower then you will get people who then make the “dominant” comment.

What others have said works best, roll your eyes when the person is not looking and try to treat it as a compliment. It is unfortunate but what the OP wrote is far too common. There is also the reverse stereotype of a dominant being questioned if they are shy, courteous and gentlemanly or ladylike as well.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 10:41:53 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		If it helps on the opposite side of that coin are Dominant men and women who are very shy, passive and quiet in their day to day demeanor.
I've seen many a new person claim they couldn't see this person as a Dom, but think the person is more sub like.
I've also seen when that quiet more passive person Dominates their partner or scenes with someone the people who claim they are sub's stand there with jaws open and eyes wide at the transformation.
It just goes to show you really can't judge a book by it's cover.
suzanne

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 11:09:05 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I've been told I was clearly a dominant. Why? Because I told him it's entirely reasonbly for a sub/slave to not submit to a man she isn't attracted to.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to geekyboy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 11:15:03 AM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

I've been told I was clearly a dominant. Why? Because I told him it's entirely reasonbly for a sub/slave to not submit to a man she isn't attracted to.


I bet that made his butt hurt!

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 11:21:53 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

I've been told I was clearly a dominant. Why? Because I told him it's entirely reasonbly for a sub/slave to not submit to a man she isn't attracted to.


I bet that made his butt hurt!


The guy actually posted a thread about it. "Why aren't there any real subs/slaves! It doesn't matter what I look like, they should all submit to ME!!!!!!"

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 11:22:59 AM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline 		Well his ass definitely hurt after that!

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 11:39:12 AM   
lilsubl


Posts: 4595
Joined: 2/6/2006
Status: offline 		oh, yeah!!  happens to me a lot...also, i've been told i could be a switch...there was a time when i was contacted out of the blue by several submissive men who wanted me to dominate them...i thought it was worth a try, because i had switched at my ex's request so that he could feel what i was feeling...i just felt sort of silly trying to be a dominant & i realized that because i had switched at my dominant's request, it was an act of submission on my part to do so...i am quite simply who i am...

the other thing that i get is that people worry about my being taken advantage of due to the fact that i'm submissive...apparently, all submissives & slaves are childlike & will be trounced upon by those who wish to take advantage of them & to exploit them or otherwise harm them...makes me laugh & wonder how they think i actually got this old!!  

edited to add:  huggggg


< Message edited by lilsubl -- 3/23/2007 11:40:08 AM >

_____________________________

Linea, collarded pet of the evil Sir Max & his lovely & equally evil wife


it's no fun unless you're scared

if you can't be brave, be determined & you'll get to the same place

wannabe member of the subbi mafia

(in reply to geekyboy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 11:47:13 AM   
LittleMissSub


Posts: 46
Joined: 2/23/2005
Status: offline 		yeah i've been asked "are you sure you aren't a Domme?"   or  "have you taken adequate time to explore your Dom side?"  quite a few times.  In every circumstance it's been when i've been very honest, given my opinion, or asked a question that showed the dominant how little thought they'd given to the subject at hand.  This thing is about growth on both sides of the equation...not just mine and some people can't handle that...doesn't matter what their role or sexual orientation is.

those comments coming from a sub?  well...i'd thank them for their concern, and make the comments you stated above as to the reason why that person is saying that.  i've always found when i ask why someone thinks I might be Domme, and they actually give me an answer, i can point by point show them how they're incorrect.  Reason and logic always prevail.

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 12:38:50 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

Have you (submissive) been labeled as Dominant at a time? What was your reaction to it? How often does it happen?

Yes.  All the time.  I smile, I tell them that they are wrong and they do not know me well enough.  They then have the choice to depart - or stay around to learn more.  Those that stay - are more important.
 
quote:

Is there a threshold of actions that one MUST do to convey their stance in the lifestyle at all times lest they get mis-labeled?

Only if you like behaving in a way that isn't you.  Just be yourself and be true to what you believe and then you will attract the kind of person who is worth your time and submission.
 
quote:

Why do we have to label before we speak? Why do we have to label at all?
 
Because some people like to feel they belong to something.  Some people like to control what certain things are and that ultimately means you - then it's your choice if you submit to their ideas or your principles.
 
quote:

What is up with this God-Person?

Which one?
 
quote:

Can I have a hug?

Depends - do you have cold hands?


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to geekyboy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 12:43:15 PM   
BeatMeDaily


Posts: 99
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		a good percentage of people in the lifestyle think they are experts at entire field and also
diagnosing people.  I imagine if they apply a band-aid to a wound they think they are Doctors too.
Ignore them and go about your life te way you see it and want it to be.

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, tha... - 3/23/2007 1:01:15 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		My girl's full title (label): little slave girl Syr anne.

Personality and role do not always correspond. All of the slaves I've had in my life and almost all of the submissives have dominant personalities. Be yourself...there's those who appreciate it.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to geekyboy)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Have you ever been labeled, in a negative tone, that you're a Dominant and not submissive? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109