I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird

I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (Full Version)

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sunmoon888 -> I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 6:27:18 AM)
My wife is very domineering and has previously been with men who were much more well endowed than me. Early in our relationship she had a great deal of respect for me and we were more or less equals in the relationship. She had no clue about my submissive side, though I hoped to ease it into our relationship at some point. Then she caught me doing phone sex, then she caught me again. Then I confessed that I desired to be submissive and have her dominate me, tease me about my small (4" erect) penis, make me wear panties, and spank me. Well, she said no way to all of it, and to make matters worse she said that she might have considered doing some light play if I hadn't been such a sneaky jerk about the whole thing. I started shaving my pubic hair and she told me in no uncertain terms to stop because it was annoying her. Now she just talks to me in an annoyed and irritated tone of voice at all times. She talks to me like I am an idiot, repeating everything several times, exploding at me if I am not completely cooperative with everything she wants. She constantly berates me and criticizes me, calling me names, telling me I am not a real man. When we have sex I lick her to orgasm first and then we have intercourse. She gets so wet from intercourse she barely feels me when I am inside of her and she makes this clear to me. She does not perform oral sex on me, ever. She slaps me, hits me, and has spit on me. This is not what I thought would happen, though I certainly do feel dominated, and I can't say I blame her completely for being frustrated. I think she thought she was marrying a confident straight strong silent type masculine fellow. What she got was a submissive who will not stand up for himself with an undersized penis that does not please her. I always imagined a dom enjoying tormenting me, where she just seems to seethe at me. In any case, I suppose I am getting what I deserve.

sarbonn -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 6:34:08 AM)
Personally, I don't think either of you are getting what you desire. If you can't talk to her about this, it sounds like you might need marriage counseling. There's definitely a communications problem here, although I'm not an expert myself.

ShiftedJewel -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 6:47:10 AM)
It almost sounds like she is more domineering then she is a Dominant. Submissive or not you need to let her know that what she is doing, or the way she is doing it is wrong. Maybe a part of her believes this is what you want because you didn't fully explain what you need. If she is new to the whole "Dominant" thing it would be a good idea for you or someone to help educate her in the finer points. Perhaps suggest that she read some of the forums here. Jewel

HypatiaSwan -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 7:29:02 AM)
Does your wife know that you're posting personal details about her sex life to strangers on a message board? Did you get her consent to post these things beforehand? Maybe it turns you on to post those intimate details - maybe it even gets you off. Maybe it gets you attention. But lots of people don't the intimate details of what they do in bed plastered on the internet for comment by anybody who reads it. If you're her submissive, time to have a little respect. If you're her vanilla lover, time to have a little respect.

ShiftedJewel -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 7:40:53 AM)
I'm a bit confused here sunmoon888, do you have a wife and a Mistress? Or is your wife your Mistress. Are you unhappy about the way she treats you? In another of your posts you seemed happy about the way your "Mistress" was treating you? quote: I am currently in chastity and have been for a week and will be for several more weeks. It is amazing not to be able to feel my penis at all. My mistress has the keys and I have a lengthy assignment to complete before I can see her again. And I forget, do you live in Texas or California? Jewel

Mercnbeth -> RE: I told my wife our marriage was built on LIES... and it got weird (4/10/2005 8:15:10 AM)
quote: Early in our relationship she had a great deal of respect for me and we were more or less equals in the relationship. this must have been before she realized that u were misrepresenting your self, your nature, lying, cheating and sneaking behind her back, tricking her into believing you were somthing that you are not. quote: She had no clue about my submissive side, though I hoped to ease it into our relationship at some point. why on earth would you manipulate someone into a marriage and then expect everything to be just hunky-dory once the rice falls and the truth is revealed? for that matter, why enter into a contractual obligation with anyone under false pretenses and expect it to be successful? quote: Then she caught me doing phone sex, then she caught me again. what a suprise (NOT), deceit, leading to more deceit. quote: Now she just talks to me in an annoyed and irritated tone of voice at all times. She talks to me like I am an idiot, repeating everything several times, exploding at me if I am not completely cooperative with everything she wants. She constantly berates me and criticizes me, calling me names, telling me I am not a real man. maybe you are an idiot? when she used to respect you and consider you her equal, it was all a facade built on the false pretenses of the lies you told and the misrepresentation of yourself. geez, who wouldn't be annoyed and irritated at being tricked into a marriage by a pathological liar. quote: This is not what I thought would happen really? did you think she would be happy that you were lying and sneaking and agree to be your "Domme(slave)" by dominating you the way YOU want to be dominated? quote: I think she thought she was marrying a confident straight strong silent type masculine fellow. and you have you to thank for creating that false image for her. perhaps if you could have brought yourself to be as honest with your beloved, before tricking her into marrying you, as you claim to be here on a message board in front of complete and total strangers, you both might be getting what you desire instead of what you "suppose" you deserve.....however, it might be with a different partner. then you would have to do something else with your spare time besides whining about the bed you have made that is now uncomfortable to "lie" in.

LadyMortishia -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 8:39:51 AM)
Ah the fun collision of, the vanilla world meets the Lifestyle. First off sunmoon, I admire your courage to come forward and tell your wife about your needs. I've been in that situation a few times and it's far from easy. However, what I learned is that, to simply tell a vanilla that you need to be dominated isn't quite a enough for them to know what you're talking about. Remember, she will have all the images of what the media has portrayed of us hanging off chandeliers and being whipped black and blue. Those who are not in the Lifestyle they do not understand that it is a very fine art and a skill that takes years to develope. The dynamics of two people are crucial in the success of this relationship and it has to start with communicating ones needs. What your wife seems to be into is alot of humiliation while you are not. If she is doing things that are making you feel uncomfortable then it is YOUR responsibility to tell her that. No Dom/me can be expected to read minds. I think that the two of you need to sit down and truly open up what your desires are to one another. You should also discuss levels, frequency and limits. As for posting your sex life on the internet; it's tough to be respectful of her yet be dealing with your emotions at the same time. Who do you put first? Unfortunately you're in a tough situation that is greatly affecting you. If you feel that this is the place where you can get support, then so be it. I think the alternative of not saying anything to anyone is far worse because you'll turn into a ticking time bomb. Lastly; I have been with men that are not large and it should not be an issue, especially after you say "I Do". Try using a dildo on her . You can also use your fingers to stimulate her G spot. Another thought is to have tissues close by and wipe her before having intercourse, or try anal sex. You can do double penetration this way by using the dildo. There are many options to you if get creative. Good luck, Lady M

sunmoon888 -> RE: I told my wife our marriage... (4/10/2005 9:15:32 AM)
Well, where should I start. I see a mistress who is not my wife and she has me in chastity during the time of month my wife is having her period. With respect to the deception, I am probably like many male submissives in that I have been of two minds about it in the past, wanting to ignore it and hope it would go away sometimes and other times wanting to embrace it. I love my wife very much and I have from the beginning and I didn't see the point in risking losing her to disclose something that about half the time I thought and/or hoped would go away. That may have been a bad call, but no one is wise on horseback. With respect to the details of our personal life, I considered this a fairly anonymous method of soliciting others' comments on the situation. Frankly, it's the fact that I have not been able to talk to anyone about it other than my wife that has probably kept me from having more perspective. Forgive me if I dramatized or exagerrated things a bit. I have made sincere efforts to re-direct some of my submissive feelings into just being helpful to my wife around the house without a D/s flavor to it. I do not want to be dominated the way I want to be dominated, I just want to connect with a dom in a way that I feel like I am honestly expressing myself. All of the points are well taken though and thank you for the direct and thoughtful responses.

AAkasha -> RE: I told my wife our marriage... (4/10/2005 9:20:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunmoon888 Well, where should I start. I see a mistress who is not my wife and she has me in chastity during the time of month my wife is having her period. With respect to the deception, I am probably like many male submissives in that I have been of two minds about it in the past, wanting to ignore it and hope it would go away sometimes and other times wanting to embrace it. I love my wife very much and I have from the beginning and I didn't see the point in risking losing her to disclose something that about half the time I thought and/or hoped would go away. That may have been a bad call, but no one is wise on horseback. With respect to the details of our personal life, I considered this a fairly anonymous method of soliciting others' comments on the situation. Frankly, it's the fact that I have not been able to talk to anyone about it other than my wife that has probably kept me from having more perspective. Forgive me if I dramatized or exagerrated things a bit. I have made sincere efforts to re-direct some of my submissive feelings into just being helpful to my wife around the house without a D/s flavor to it. I do not want to be dominated the way I want to be dominated, I just want to connect with a dom in a way that I feel like I am honestly expressing myself. All of the points are well taken though and thank you for the direct and thoughtful responses. Does your wife know about your Mistress? Did you come clean with her about everything, or are you continuing to deceive her in the areas that you have not been caught yet? Akasha

sunmoon888 -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 9:26:23 AM)
I have been VERY careful in the way I presented the matter in different situations. The night we had the BIG TALK about it actually went pretty well. I never asked her to turn into a dominatrix I just wanted to incorporate some of the role playing into what we were already doing. It just kind of freaked her out the more the idea marinated in her head. The phone sex was a bad thing, but I felt that it was a relatively harmless outlet for what I hoped at the time was a desire that might go away at some point. It was deceptive, I admit that, but in my view far less deceptive than an intimate relationship with another person. But yes, it was bad, and I should not have done it. Try not to pile on the new guy too much here, though, these are not easy situations to navigate. It's easy to say "just be honest", but it's something else to lose someone you really love over a set of desires that you have deep ambivalence about yourself. Thank you again for the replies.

Mercnbeth -> RE: I told my wife I our marriage was built on LIES...and it got weird (4/10/2005 10:35:42 AM)
quote: Try not to pile on the new guy too much here, though, these are not easy situations to navigate. quote: With respect to the details of our personal life, I considered this a fairly anonymous method of soliciting others' comments on the situation....Forgive me if I dramatized or exagerrated things a bit. you posted on a public forum, to solicit others' comments, where people respond who may have strong opinions about and are very opposed to deception and lies being a basis for, part of or an ongoing theme in a relationship, ESPECIALLY a committed relationship such as a marriage. Not everyone here is going to condone or encourage the previous and apparently ongoing behaviors you admit to here, regardless of how dramatically or not you express them. quote: It was deceptive, I admit that, but in my view far less deceptive than an intimate relationship with another person. It WAS an intimate relationship with another person! It was clandestine, sexually based and violating the vows you made to each other when you married and also the contract you entered into at the time of those vows. because it wasn't face to face that makes it "less" deceptive? quote: It's easy to say "just be honest", but it's something else to lose someone you really love over a set of desires that you have deep ambivalence about yourself. so the fact that you deceive this person that you claim to love about the nature of yourself and even "conflicting" desires has no bearing on the authenticity of the relationship in the first place? it's ok to lie to someone until after they are married to you and you feel "secure" enough to expose yourself as long as that person won't dump you for not being authentic from the get-go? and if you were a convincing post-op, it would be ok to lie to someone who married you, tricking them into believing you were the opposite sex, all because you "LOVE" them? to this slave there is NO LOVE without HONESTY. you whine about being stuck with no other option than one or the other, which makes no sense to this slave. yes, it is easy to say "be honest" and it is also easy to see why honesty is a very important foundation of ANY lasting relationship. you must admit, it is hard to keep a lie going over time and therefore it would seem logically easier to just be honest in the first place and save everybody the hassle and hurt feelings mulitplied by time over your lies. quote: Frankly, it's the fact that I have not been able to talk to anyone about it other than my wife that has probably kept me from having more perspective. that's great that you have a way of gaining perspective on your situation. however, representing yourself honestly here is far less important than honestly representing yourself, your feelings, your concerns, your desires and activities to the person you claim to love and are contractually obligated to--YOUR WIFE. there is no time like the present. confess EVERYTHING, hell, show her this thread! work with HER to improve your relationship in the future, not against her by being dishonest. If she loves you, the REAL you, she might just be willing to forgive and work with you on a MUTUALLY beneficial, loving relationship. Good Luck!!!!!!!

ElektraUkM -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 10:55:48 AM)
Hello sunmoon888 Sorry you're in a big pickle here and i don't want to come down on the new guy or anything (i'm pretty new myself anyway)... but... Do you think that the way she's treating you is because that's what she thinks you want..? Or is she treating you that way because you've behaved like a bit of an idiot and a lot of a liar and a cheating whatsername..? Does she know about this Domme you see while she's inconveniently having her period? In my opinion, she's Angry As Hell about what you've done, and that's why you're getting it. Sorry to be so negative... ~ Elektra

sunmoon888 -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 12:12:29 PM)
Hey, I've read your replies and I appreciate them. I didn't come here to be praised, I've not done anything praiseworthy. I just thought I might happen to get some good feedback and I did. What can I say, I have done bad things, but I've read what you have written and I appreciate the criticism. If I'm willing to listen and not be defensive, maybe there is hope yet. Onward.

AAkasha -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 12:14:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunmoon888 Hey, I've read your replies and I appreciate them. I didn't come here to be praised, I've not done anything praiseworthy. I just thought I might happen to get some good feedback and I did. What can I say, I have done bad things, but I've read what you have written and I appreciate the criticism. If I'm willing to listen and not be defensive, maybe there is hope yet. Onward. I'm still confused as to whether or not you have a Mistress (that you mention in other threads, the one that has you locked in chastity) and your wife knows about this? Akasha

SweetDommes -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 1:38:31 PM)
In reading this thread, I can't decide if you are a very good troll, or just honestly an idiot. Yes, that was harsh, but here is the harsh truth - you were cheating your wife (note I did not say cheating on her, although I feel you have done that as well). You led her to believe that you were one thing when you were another, and you did so knowingly. You KNEW that you were submissive - it doesn't matter if you were hoping it would go away or not, you knew - and you didn't express that to her until after you were caught doing something you shouldn't have been doing. Now, you have another "mistress" that you serve while still married to your wife - does your wife even know about this other woman? I'm guessing not, since you have sneaked around behind her back before with the phone sex thing (and not just once, by your own admission). You aren't getting what you want partially because you haven't been communicating with your wife, partially because you are a cheat and a sneak, and -probably- partially because she thinks that this is what you want ... or that is what she wants and that is how D/s relationships tend to work (it goes how the dominant partner wants and if the submissive partner is lucky, they want the same things most of the time). While I would not treat somone in the manner that she is treating you, I don't particularly blame her ... and if she doesn't already know about the other woman, I'm willing to bet that when she DOES find out (and she will ... trust me - especially if you don't end it really soon) she is gonna boot your sorry butt to the curb and take everything because you have been cheating on her.

AAkasha -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 1:40:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes In reading this thread, I can't decide if you are a very good troll, or just honestly an idiot. Yes, that was harsh, but here is the harsh truth - you were cheating your wife (note I did not say cheating on her, although I feel you have done that as well). You led her to believe that you were one thing when you were another, and you did so knowingly. You KNEW that you were submissive - it doesn't matter if you were hoping it would go away or not, you knew - and you didn't express that to her until after you were caught doing something you shouldn't have been doing. Now, you have another "mistress" that you serve while still married to your wife - does your wife even know about this other woman? I'm guessing not, since you have sneaked around behind her back before with the phone sex thing (and not just once, by your own admission). You aren't getting what you want partially because you haven't been communicating with your wife, partially because you are a cheat and a sneak, and -probably- partially because she thinks that this is what you want ... or that is what she wants and that is how D/s relationships tend to work (it goes how the dominant partner wants and if the submissive partner is lucky, they want the same things most of the time). While I would not treat somone in the manner that she is treating you, I don't particularly blame her ... and if she doesn't already know about the other woman, I'm willing to bet that when she DOES find out (and she will ... trust me - especially if you don't end it really soon) she is gonna boot your sorry butt to the curb and take everything because you have been cheating on her. He seems to ignore the question about the "Mistress" he talks about on other threads. The details don't match up with the scenario he asks for help about here. Personally, based on the twillight-zone twist in his original post where his wife starts humiliating him out of anger, I think this is more a fantasy he's acting out online posed as a question just so he can read the responses. It just doesn't add up. Akasha

SweetDommes -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 1:46:44 PM)
Yeah, I know - I re-read what he posted about being in chastity, and then his excuse for it ... his poor wife must practically bleed to death if she's been bleeding for a week and will be for serveral more ... I hope he fixes her lots of iron rich foods to make up for the loss of blood and that he is ready to rush her to the hospital should she become severely anemic rolls eyes

HypatiaSwan -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 4:53:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes In reading this thread, I can't decide if you are a very good troll, or just honestly an idiot. My bet is TROLL. The more attention we give him on these boards, the more we give him what he wants.

ShiftedJewel -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 5:40:34 PM)
quote: My bet is TROLL. The more attention we give him on these boards, the more we give him what he wants. I think considering this is his very first day on collarme he's made progress by leaps and bounds... I just can't help feeling that his writing somehow familiar. Jewel

HypatiaSwan -> RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird (4/10/2005 5:52:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel I think considering this is his very first day on collarme he's made progress by leaps and bounds... I just can't help feeling that his writing somehow familiar. Jewel I think it sounds very familiar. Mainly because there must be a bazillion HNGs out there on the internet who want someone to make fun of them for their small penis size. What he wrote about his wife putting him down.. and going into intimate detail about what they do in bed blah blah blah... it reads like some fantasy stories I have seen out there, written by these dudes with the small penis/humiliation fetish. These guys get off on humiliation. They want someone to chastise them and sometimes, they'll crash chat rooms or newsgroups just so people will insult them and give them attention. If this guy is a HNG (and I highly suspect that he is) then he's gotten a lot of mileage off of this run. He'll probably come back for weeks and re-read the replies. As always, YMMV and all the usual disclaimers apply.

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