how do you handle inadequate aftercare?

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how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/25/2007 8:42:17 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

earlier tonight, we got together for dinner and things ended up getting pretty heavy, unexpectedly. we ventured into some sensitive areas (for me), so in addition to the fact that normally doing a heavy scene causes some emotional whateveryouwantocallit for me, there was a bit of extra emotional upheaval due to some of the things we did in the scene. (not bad, just...a lot to handle, for me.) because of time constraints, aftercare pretty much couldn't happen.

how do you handle things when you -really- need aftercare in -some- form and it's impossible? whether it be time, work, ums, or whatever causing you to have to focus on other things...how do you pull yourself back together quickly after an emotionally heavy scene?

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

Post #: 1

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/25/2007 9:03:19 PM

andyskayla

Posts: 19
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

Me, I have a panic attack. Then I get wobbly for a couple of days. Isn't that helpful? However, the man to whom I submit has started to really take into account how something will affect me and whether we have time for aftercare. It has made a huge difference.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 2

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/25/2007 9:03:51 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

Well, i take a deep breath, remind myself that i'm lucky to have gotten to scene in the first place, and that it's unlikely to happen again any time soon if it always ends with me falling apart, take another deep breath, and carry on. YMMV.

...dave

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 3

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/25/2007 9:13:00 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Take care of yourself as much as you can with food, sleep and spoilage if possible.

Otherwise, just get your nose into it and do what you can. It might delay the drop and make it worse later on when you crash, but you gotta deal with what life throws at you right then.

In the end, it might be a fucked up experience, but you will survive to plan another fuck up another day :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 4

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/25/2007 9:29:53 PM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

Freak out on your own then get over it.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 5

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/25/2007 9:33:31 PM

domahpet

Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline

fake it till ya make it, i guess...

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 6

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/25/2007 9:35:48 PM

twistedkytten

Posts: 240
Joined: 9/8/2006
Status: offline

Master bathes me (because I am still bound and blindfolded) :-) then gives me a piece of candy.

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 7

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/25/2007 9:38:58 PM

damia

Posts: 190
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

If aftercare isn't provided by your Dom (or any Dom/Master), then you should seek out help from someone else who understands how to provide aftercare. i've been told that aftercare doesn't -have- to be provided by the person who topped in the scene. Sometimes it's necessary to turn to a friend and say 'Hey, i really need some aftercare. i'm feeling pretty overwhelmed/bad/sick/confused right now'. Tell them what you need, and if they can, they'll provide it. Submissive or dominant, they can help or find someone who can, but you have to ask. Even talking out your problems over the phone with someone, or just asking for a hug can be helpful.

Just my thoughts,
jewel

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 8

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/25/2007 10:22:41 PM

MsParados

Posts: 183
Joined: 3/1/2007
Status: offline

I'm sorry but a lack of proper time management is no excuse for neglect imo. IF we are doing something that we know will or possible can trigger an intense reaction, we plan accordingly. After-care, coming down, decompressing, or a regrouping period is always taken into account in our time line. While it is not always possible to have the full amount of time we might need to "get the mind right" I would never go w/o it all together. That span of time is the best part for mental conditioning or training purposes, most subs are at their most vulnerable point after intense activities and I believe that lack of care can do damage to a relationship if it becomes a common occurence. But sometimes life doesn't always work that smoothly and if I found myself in a position where I could not get or give what was needed at that moment, I would do what I could, as soon as I was able. It depends on alot of factors how the situation would be handled, sometimes the smallest thing can trigger an emotional volcano that the dom is not "prepared" (forlackofabetterterm) to handle

(in reply to damia)

Post #: 9

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/25/2007 11:27:47 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

thanks for all your posts - they have helped a lot.

i realize that this is Not A Good Thing (tm), and honestly, it's not something that happens very often for us. we generally try to stay away from sex in general, and heavy play in specific, on days where we know i'll have to go home afterward, or whatever. but because we're planning to spend the next couple of nights together, i have a lot of things to take care of here, and he has work tomorrow, and i was already over there far too late as it was (we did not plan on having sex or anything in that direction at all, really, it just sort of happened). the biggest problem is that i have a difficult time dealing with the raw feelings; sometimes i am okay being alone, sometimes i need to be with someone. i am so used to having him near when that happens that when he's not, it puts me off balance.

damia, thanks for the suggestion of asking someone else for help - i hadn't really thought of it that way (having someone not involved being the one to provide aftercare) but it is a really good idea.

la, the food sleep spoilage thing is something i need to remind myself of more often! it's something i -try- to do when i'm feeling emotionally raw in general, but i don't always take it into account in these kinds of situations specifically. thanks :)

< Message edited by hisannabelle -- 3/25/2007 11:28:27 PM >

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to MsParados)

Post #: 10

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/26/2007 6:35:21 AM

Mustardseed

Posts: 291
Joined: 5/27/2006
From: Seattle, WA
Status: offline

I can't remember if this came from a Midori workshop I attended this month or from her book Wild Side Sex, but she's recommended that aftercare time be budgeted as a crucial part of a scene. Therefore, if someone only has an hour's worth of time to play but needs 45 minutes of aftercare, then the active part of the scene should only last for 15 minutes. And so on.

I agree with this. I've received crappy aftercare only twice from my Daddy. The first time, immediately after the scene, he left me to make a phone call that he'd been procrastinating on making earlier in the week. I held it together and perked up when he came back indoors, but he put me off, went and talked someone else and ran outside again. By the time he finally turned his attention back to me, half an hour later, I was in tears and convinced that he didn't love me anymore.

The second time, instead of the cuddles and sex he's claimed are mandatory for him, he decided to hang out in public and then go watch porn, but not clearly invite me to join him. Again, I was wondering if I stank or something. No. He was just being weird, but hadn't actually let me know that he was changing the rules once I was already vulnerable.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 11

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/26/2007 1:15:01 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

Pamper yourdelf take a warm bath just rest and regroup.

He should really take the time factor into account. Somedays Master has to leave eairler tha others. A few time we have not done something we wanted to because he says we will not have the time. he knows i really need aftercare.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Mustardseed)

Post #: 12

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/26/2007 4:20:31 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

We've learned not to play hard if there isn't time for me to get a short nap and then something to eat afterwards. The drop just isn't worth it. As far as the learning process when we did do this a couple of times, basically I was useless afterwards, just curled up and cried.

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 13

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/26/2007 5:11:26 PM

goodpet

Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline

I'm not sure who came up with the aftercare requirement but..

if it is not worth it to you then leave the relationship and find someone who will spend all the time you need to be taken care of.

if it worth it then deawith it and move on being happy you have someone and had a scene and get attention at other times.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 14

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/26/2007 7:13:36 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

It is not up to me to decide what is adequate aftercare or not. He provides me what I need, even if that means teaching me to recover in his absence. If it's a matter of a quick hard use and then he has to leave, or not being used at all, I'll take the quick hard use any day and take care of myself when he leaves.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 15

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/26/2007 9:52:57 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

Hm. I've found that taking some sleepy medicine and going to bed is best for me. Because especially after playing harder, I really need that rest and if I'm emotionally stressed I won't allow my body to rest. lack of sleep=insanity for me.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 16

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/27/2007 2:40:26 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

because of time constraints, aftercare pretty much couldn't happen.

My brilliant advice (lol) would be- just make sure there is enough time

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 17

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/27/2007 2:46:29 AM

SirDiscipliner69

Posts: 2607
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

To avoid the loss of aftercare and the drop accociated with it STARTING off intense WITHOUT buldup and then focusing on the aftercare for the remaining duration of the time seems to minimalize the effects.

Granted seven or eight hours can seem like minutes but with enough practive the technique can be quite effective.

Sort of like the gliding on the roller coaster after you have already down the big crest.

Ross
©º°¨¨°º©

(in reply to swtnsparkling)

Post #: 18

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/27/2007 4:07:53 AM

mystiquenz

Posts: 330
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline

annabelle,

maybe you can now judge situations better for yourself now.

I believe that you are both responsible for the altered states that are entered into, and you both have a responsibility to each other, to come back down to the level playing field.

So be gentle to yourself sweet lady. Take it in your stride, and continue to care for yourself. Talk to you Dominant about how you are feeling now, after the event, so that he is alerted to the fact that he needs to give you more time following a scene. Maybe adopt a practice, if there is not the time for after care then the heavy play is put on hold for when you can be given the support that you need.

You are a complete person, and you deserve the complete package. My suggestion is communication, communication and more communication. I use to find that chocolate treats and bananas and bubble baths were three things that I would do, make sure I had a sensible diet and got plenty of rest.

~ just my two cents worth!~

_____________________________

blessings
~mystique~

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 19

RE: how do you handle inadequate aftercare? - 3/27/2007 4:39:38 AM

FLFunTop

Posts: 33
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

I thnk that a person needs all forms of care.... The setting up is pre-care and then the slowing down, after-care...If you don't it's like running a throubreed and then just dismounting abd making the hore stand still the crams would probably break it's legs

(in reply to mystiquenz)

Post #: 20

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