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LotusSong -> A Visit to the Ladies Room (3/27/2007 9:05:57 AM)
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VISIT TO THE LADIES ROOM (...now you'll know why women go to restrooms in pairs.)
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you
Usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall
is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't
matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The
dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)
is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there
was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around
your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!),
yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." In this position your aging,
toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so
you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover
to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had
tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose
on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse
around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle
yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the
puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail Someone pushes
your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse,
which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your
purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you
scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled
tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide
down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up,
knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact
with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU
never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken
time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she
knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet
seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you
could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet
is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire
hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty
toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point you
give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're
exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and
then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel
and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to
smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a
piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you
NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand
and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot
your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging
around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
restrooms (rest??? You've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the
men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under
the door!
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