Give me some good old-fashioned Head. (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> Give me some good old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 6:45:57 AM)

I know all of the truisms I hear are probably true: "Bdsm is all in mostly in the head." "The brain is the biggest sex organ." etc. But, aside form bdsm activity (yes I said aside from), I know I definitely appreciate someone I can have a real and deep and interesting conversation with. I really do. My standards aren't horrendously high, I don't think.

I like people who read a newspaper, and a few books and-or news magazines now and then, and think about them, and talk about them. Or, just talk more deeply about any topic that might be on their mind.

To me, it is somehow some indication of "authenticity" - maybe not a valid measure, and I can appreciate a person who is extremely physically beautiful as much as anyone, but - since we rarely get everything we want in life, I decided a long time ago to prioritize the ability-to-have-a-real-conversation thing. It doesn't always have to be heavy or involved or deeply intellectual. But it does have to be there. Some people do not consider this at all important. Some do.

Unzip your tongue and your brain at the same time, and I can become so intrigued, and also more likely to stay that way. In fact for me, it is, in fact, a bigger priority than how perfectly someone has honed their flogging or moaning skills.

It's part of the whole "foreplay" thing. I know some people think that doesn't really count. Am I alone? (please tell me no...).

**I am asking where folks place things like appreciating reading, and having things like "deep thoughts" and conversational ability, on their scale of "needs" from a partner. How do you rate these things, say, on a scale of 1-10? For me, they're an 8.

Is it right up there neck-and-neck with the female version of six-pack abs? Or two rungs lower (or higher) than a beautiful corset, and a pretty nice body to fill it with? (I have no problem doing that, btw.) 

I am just inquiring out of curiosity. And I think bdsm activity is also very important. I'd never come close to de-prioritizing that. Ever, ever. I do, in fact, want it all (if I can have that). If I can't, I'd still vote for conversational ability to take priority over someone being ultra experienced as far as toys, etc.  

But I am inquiring how it rates for all of ya'll other people out there, as a "need". 
I am just very curious how this ability "rates" with other people.

- Susan  



Dnomyar -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 6:55:19 AM)

I always try to find out about what a person thinks about and does in vanilla life before I get into the lifestyle part with them. Just because you have the same interest in the lifestyle dose'nt mean you have the same interest outside of it. That will come into play in a long term relationship. If your not compatiable in the vanilla part then your wasting your time in the other part.



LadyEllen -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 7:00:16 AM)

Education, intellect, the ability to discuss everything from your day through politics and current affairs to abstract philosophy, is essential, providing its not lecturing or diametrically opposed to my own thinking.

Not sure where it would be placed in a hierachy of importance though, or whether it even could be. I'm looking for the package deal with intellect and its sequiturs alongside charm, looks and manners. Which is presumably why I'm still looking!

E



SusanofO -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 7:08:38 AM)

Thank you for your replies. My faith in humanity will slwly be restored via this thread.

Lady Ellen: No it isn't too much to ask. Not at all, IMO. 

I am curious, though. because I hear people mention it, but not very often. And I fnd myself wondering how important it' s considered, overall, in the "grand scheme of things." 

- Susan



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 7:19:37 AM)

Being self aware and socially aware has been in my top five for about a decade.



SusanofO -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 7:24:15 AM)

Thank you (I figured it would be, but nice to hear, just the same).

- Susan



StellaByStarlite -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 7:41:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO


**I am asking where folks place things like being well-read, having things like (real) "deep thoughts" and conversational ability, on their scale of "wants" (or even "needs") from a partner.

Is it right up there neck-and-neck with the female version of six-pack abs? Or two rungs lower (or higher) than a beautiful corset, and a pretty nice body to fill it with?

- Susan  


Signs of life in the mind are a higher priority then the body beautiful, yes. But not as important to me as kindness, compassion, and a sense of honor.

My owner isn't very conversant as a general rule. He prefers listening to talking, and doesn't have an opinion on a whole bunch of topics. He likes sports, reality TV- on the surface just another middle-class guy who likes his cigars, his Sopranos reruns, and Sports Illustrated. But he's also the man with a solid sense of loyalty and will be there in a heartbeat for his friends and family. He's a damn good man. He gives me the most unconditional love I've ever had from anybody.

The same applies to my friends. They're not especially intellectual, but they've totally been there for me. Even if when I didn't deserve their friendship and love. I'd do the same for them.

I've been hurt and treated like crap by people who were quite good at discussing world events or politics. I've also been the target of outright snobbery by those in the brainy set.. for no good reason. I'm not saying that people that enjoy good discussion on any topic are all snotty, but I wouldn't make it a "need" priority as far as relationships go.



jauntyone -> RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 7:46:52 AM)

quote:

**I am asking where folks place things like appreciating reading, and having things like "deep thoughts" and conversational ability, on their scale of "needs" from a partner. How do you rate these things, say, on a scale of 1-10?

Greetings
 
I have always been the inquisitive kind; always wanting to know the 'whys' and the 'how's'. I was fortunate that in Master, I found one who this did not turn away. Since our relationship started in the most vanilla and casual way ( we met at an airport and wrote to each other for the next 8 months before we finally got together again ), I guess you can say that ours started off with just 'thinking power' .
 
I like that Master has a mind that he is not afraid to use. I also like that he perfers to watch sports over an educational program; or that he will read car and trucks before a newspaper. These do not take away from his intelligence; in my eyes, they only enhance.
 
I wish you well
 
melissa



veronicaboundcd -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 7:50:17 AM)

In general, in my opinion, most people who take this lifestyle seriously, or have been in it for the long haul, tend to be thinkers, and usually have opinions on about everything, which leads to good conversation, whether you agree with them or not. As we practice the lifestyle, we constantly are getting in touch with feelings and thoughts which are "out of the norm". and the process really opens up the mind to not only BDSM or D/s issues, but to things in general. Most things associated with the lifestyle are "cause and effect" related, and as such, we start thinking about the why's, if's and other variables that make us who we are. As we question ourselfs, the thinking process spreads to our "vanilla" world as well, and we start to open up more. This process leads to a more ballanced personality.
I think that "being on a level playing field" with your partner in the head department, is important in any relationship, and certainly consider it always, although these things seem to be like "water seeking its own level" for the most part, as I always get to know someone before getting involved, even on a friendship level, and nothing ever develops, if we can't sit down and talk on some sort of interesting level.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 7:50:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jauntyone
I like that Master has a mind that he is not afraid to use. I also like that he perfers to watch sports over an educational program; or that he will read car and trucks before a newspaper. These do not take away from his intelligence; in my eyes, they only enhance.

I wish you well

melissa

For us it's watching Talk Soup and reading Entertainment Weekly :)



SusanofO -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 7:51:27 AM)

I appreciate all of the thoughtful replies.

Honor and compassion rate an 8 as well, to me (maybe even a 9). I am not at all interested in some intellectual w/no heart. I've always rated having a heart higher. But I have a hard time w/people, who either won't talk, or say they "can't", for whatever reason.

Part of the reason don't want to deal w/these types anymore, is that I was married for years to a very quiet person, and found it eventually drove me nuts. Because even though he read a lot, he'd never discuss it - at all. I am just not a good match for anyone who isn't willing to have a decent conversation.  

I just brought this up because I hear people say things about how they are "going to get inside a subs head", and I started wondering how, exacty, they plan to do that, exactly - since I rarely see this topic mentioned in much detail, sans vague mentions of things like "communication", (which, to me, can mean just about anything, really (people mostly don't detail what they think it means, IMO, when I've seen it mentioned.). 

To me, you can't "get inside someone's head" unless you are willing to gradually get to know them, and since the convo doesn't usually start w/bdsm and activity talk (at least not for me, right away anyway), I figure one of the best ways to get to know someone is by having deeper conversations about "vanilla" topics, mostly.  

- Susan



veronicaboundcd -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 8:08:15 AM)

You have touched on a very good point, as regular conversation can reveal much more about a persons true personality, and outlook on life, than a BDSM qustion survey.



SusanofO -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 8:10:28 AM)

Thanks, veronicaboundcd.

I don't think somebody has to be particularly educated to have a pretty intelligent conversaton, either (in case anybody is wondering if I am some huge intellectual snob). I am just thinking that for me, being able to have a good conversation can lead me to want to get to know someone better, and makes them even more attractive to me. It really doesn't have to be "intellectual", just an indication that the person is maybe willing to discuss things on a deeper level.

I've had phone convos w/Dominants, and it seems like months can go by, and we still are talking about things like our favorite colors, foods etc. I think that stuff is important, and has its place, but - if I am gonna ever put my life in somebody's hands, they are gonna need to tell me what their views are on life, and some deeper topics. 

I can control a conversation if I want to know more, and frankly, I've been a little surprised at how "light" some have wanted to keep the convos. Then some Doms go straight to: "Well, let's have phone sex, now." Ick. So far, the deepest person I've met in the bdsm world is a male submissive (and that is just a coincidence, maybe. I know it is. I reallly do.)

That is not a slam to male Dominants, it's really not (it's just a weird conicidence, probably). I am (maybe) an "old-fashioned" girl. I can do phone sex, and I like it, too. But not until I know I can really talk to someone on another level, and pretty deeply. 

- Susan



pagansub77 -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 8:30:32 AM)

Ah, compatibility outside the dungeon. I don't care how well he swings a flogger or how good he is with a whip, if we can't converse about topics other than kink, we are not a good match. A sense of humor, honor, compassion and responsibility are vital.

I suppose what I'm saying is I prefer a well rounded man. Someone who is aware of the world around him, who enjoys life and has a good sense of fun. I want to know what kind of food he likes, who his favorite sports team is, morning person or night person, all kinds of things that make up a real person, not MasterLord UberDom.

Oh and being a Jeff Gordon fan is a hard limit!!! LOL.

ps77



SusanofO -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 8:33:39 AM)

Thanks for the reply!

- Susan



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 8:37:28 AM)

Ok, I admit it I do look for Beauty in a person.  However, if they have an ugly or shallow mind forget it.  I have met some beautiful smart people that I thought were ugly inside.  It's more of a question of how they think, rather than how deep they think. 




SusanofO -> RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 8:41:12 AM)

Well compassion is never going to be second-rate with me, that's for sure.

I gotta got to work, but I will be bakc later to check on this thread.

I really appreciate the thoughtful replies, and thanks for reading.

- Susan 



dawntreader -> RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 8:42:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite


Signs of life in the mind are a higher priority then the body beautiful, yes. But not as important to me as kindness, compassion, and a sense of honor.



Well said Stella ... i like this[:)]



stockingluvr54 -> RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 8:56:15 AM)

Personally...I'm more impressed with a person with some street smarts and/or real life experiences. Book smarts or fancy degrees don't hold much  imo. Nothing wrong with learning, reading, going to school,etc.....it's all good "brain food" but I'm really impressed when I can converse with someone that's "been there"......and learned from those life experiences.  Good conversation for me is when we can compare notes from experiencing some of the same situations and how we dealt with them....outcome,etc.

Someones silence will also tell me alot about that person....I can read it in their eyes....been there....knows his shit.    jmo



QuietlySeeking -> RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. (3/26/2007 9:16:58 AM)

I have a very diverse group of friends and I expect her to be able to interact with them.  I don't expect her to be able to argue the historical accuracy of religious texts with my Historical Buff friends, nor do I expect her to understand the inner workings a internal combustion gasoline engine....I do, however, expect a more enlightened response than "When I push on the gas pedal, it goes!"

(unfortunately, that was a direct quote) *laughing*

She can possess any one (or group) of the qualities for which I'm looking, but if she can't stimulate me mentally....she's gone.



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