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harmony3709 -> Identity (4/10/2005 10:17:26 PM)

I recently read "....slaves' needs become the same as those of the Master.", (credit goes to SlaveCraft by a grateful slave) which led me to give thought to my past relationships, both vanilla and D/s. I do not consider myself a slave; however, I could definitely relate to this comment. I realized that my thoughts began to consider this more than just with regard to needs, and that in addition to needs, interests, hobbies, information regarding their career, etc., of the Master became mine, at least while I was involved in that relationship.

Is this something that other submissives/slaves can relate to? If so, have you ever felt a loss of identity of sorts when you take on their needs and other interests, etc.? Or have you ever feared this identity loss?

And I am not saying this was a problem or an issue for me, but just my mind wondering about it and thought I'd see what others might have to say on this topic.

Be well,

harmony



junecleaver -> RE: Identity (4/10/2005 10:35:58 PM)

Personally I don't want to lose my identity in a relationship. That probably stems from my general distrust of people than anything else. What happens when the relationship is over? I couldn't just be like, "Okay self, who are you again? Where'd I leave that damn individuality of mine?"



lil1v -> RE: Identity (4/11/2005 12:22:54 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: harmony3709
I do not consider myself a slave; however, I could definitely relate to this comment. I realized that my thoughts began to consider this more than just with regard to needs, and that in addition to needs, interests, hobbies, information regarding their career, etc., of the Master became mine, at least while I was involved in that relationship.


I can relate a lot to that. [:)] I tend to describe myself as a Chameleon. I tend to like what those around me like within reason of course. I have always been this way in every relationship I've been in.. platonic or otherwise.

Many of my past relationships I've "lost" myself in my bf's interests. Which for a nilla man can be quite daunting.. just ask my ex's. Some loved it. Some wanted me to get my own life.

After breakups, I used to hit bottom hard after such a relationship was over and re-adjust to my normal "single" activities and hobbies. I accepted this Chameleon tendancy as part of me, and usually the hobbies that I picked up from relationships were ones that I would have enjoyed anyway if i'd have found it on my own. Over all, I've always enjoyed activities more because of the people involved than because of the activity itself.

I'm not so much that way anymore as I realize it gets stressful on a relationship to have the same interests all the time and some can find it smothering. I have a few things that are just my interests. I have to remind myself from time to time to go do them.




sweetpettjenny -> RE: Identity (4/11/2005 3:56:59 AM)

In the book i believe they were stating needs in the lifestyle/relationship. im a slave but i am also a human , woman , and mother. No one can take those three things away from me. When i am collared , i belong to my owner , so yes his needs and mine definately are equivilant.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Identity (4/11/2005 5:52:15 AM)

My needs don't need to BECOME those of the Owners, but it certainly makes life easier. It also helps to realize that my needs and his needs are taken care of on a very different scale, it's absolutely a double standard. For slaves who can't get that, then taking on the doms needs as their own perhaps makes it easier to get them fulfilled.

I don't feel a loss of identity because it IS WHO I AM to be owned and put their needs and wants on a different scale than mine. I think the ones who lose their identity do so because they don't know how to express who they are within that framework.




BobcatsLilMinx -> RE: Identity (4/11/2005 6:45:08 AM)

Ah, I do that "chameleon" thing... it's not that I "change" depending on whose company I'm in, but it definitely determines which aspects of my personality become the most prominent.

With partners, I find myself getting interested in their interests, but I see this as normal for a slave/ submissive, because you are keenly interested in your Master and everything that he is, every little bit of him. Hobbies, interests, opinions... And I know I take a few of them on myself, as when I do get into it, I usually find it is interesting, or a valid opinion for it's own sake.

I don't know about my needs actually becoming the same as his... I think what does happen is the more I grow to care for him, the more I want to serve and please him... and as the submission deepens eventually it reaches a point where I need to be putting him first, and anticpating his wants and desires, and making life good for him. Like lil1v said, I find it very hard when long-term relationships fall apart, because I do literally make them the centre of my world after a while, and to suddenly just be "me" again, and not "Master So and So's slave" takes a lot of getting used to.

Having said all this, there is a core to me that always remains untouched - I have my own set of hobbies, my own set of opinions, my own tastes, my own needs. I am a human, after all, and I've come across a few men that are quite happy to take advantage of my willingness to give, without being particularly willing to give me what I need in return. These don't last - if I'm not getting anything back, eventually I just get tired and start to rebel. "If you won't fulfil my needs, I'll just have to do it myself, and you can damn well be second for a change, while I sort this out!"

I guess I'm a bit multi-personality *grins* I always joke that there's 12 of me inside here...

Respectfully;
Minx, Minxie, Minxy, Minxi, Min, Minxe
Mynx, Mynxie, Mynxy, Mynxi, Myn and Mynxe

(the full signing - all present parties acknowledge and agree with the above statements) [;)]



lil1v -> RE: Identity (4/11/2005 12:02:54 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BobcatsLilMinx

Having said all this, there is a core to me that always remains untouched - I have my own set of hobbies, my own set of opinions, my own tastes, my own needs. I am a human, after all, and I've come across a few men that are quite happy to take advantage of my willingness to give, without being particularly willing to give me what I need in return. These don't last - if I'm not getting anything back, eventually I just get tired and start to rebel. "If you won't fulfil my needs, I'll just have to do it myself, and you can damn well be second for a change, while I sort this out!"


*laughs* I do that too. Being neglected can only be handled so long before you just have to do something.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BobcatsLilMinx

I guess I'm a bit multi-personality *grins* I always joke that there's 12 of me inside here...

Respectfully;
Minx, Minxie, Minxy, Minxi, Min, Minxe
Mynx, Mynxie, Mynxy, Mynxi, Myn and Mynxe

(the full signing - all present parties acknowledge and agree with the above statements) [;)]



*laughs so hard she nearly pees* Thats too funny. I've always felt that way myself. My last Master helped me out a bit and made me realize I wasn't crazy.. just multi-faceted. So now I'm down to about 3 personas.

Actually when I was in HS and in theatre, there was this little prissy neighbor girl who used to annoy her very "proper" mother by idolizing me. So one day I put on a show for her as if I had multiple personalities, different names with a specific voice to go with each. She wasn't allowed to come near me after that. Still cracks me up to this day.

With Amoooz-ment...
diva v, evil v, lil girlie v



MasterzKitten -> RE: Identity (4/11/2005 1:47:08 PM)

IMO, In most realationships, 'nilla or otherwise, you're usually with that person to begin with bc you already share the same interets, hobbies, etc. After being together for awhile most people naturally pick up each other's interests, opinions on things, needs for things etc. i dont see just picking up their needs and such takes away your own identity, bc you still have your own interests, hobbies, opinions, etc. The only way you would lose your identity by doing such is if you let yourself lose it.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Identity (4/11/2005 3:15:31 PM)

quote:

felt a loss of identity of sorts when you take on their needs and other interests, etc.? Or have you ever feared this identity loss?


harmony,
Ideally once a person enters into a relationship identity isn't lost - it blossoms. Your identity should have been part of what attracted the other person to you in the first place. Why would you want or need to give it up? Why would the other person require you to do so? I am purposely leaving gender or even lifestyle role out of the equation because the same should apply to both.

From my perspective there is a more important identity to cultivate. Once you are a couple you should feel most comfortable in that identity the morphed result of your union. That's the one you should fight like hell to protect. Part of that, a very important part, was what you brought to the table when you first met.

Now, if you were playing a role in the first place, to attract a certain mate, or just to not be alone then all the non-important stuff; ketchup or mustard on hot-dogs, fries or mashed potatoes, or being annoyed because your partner leaves the seat up; take on deeper meaning. If those and other trivial things now annoy you or as a submissive you are resentful doing them, maybe the identity you projected wasn't lost, just misrepresented to your partner.



harmony3709 -> RE: Identity (4/12/2005 10:40:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpettjenny
In the book i believe they were stating needs in the lifestyle/relationship. im a slave but i am also a human , woman , and mother. No one can take those three things away from me. When i am collared , i belong to my owner , so yes his needs and mine definately are equivilant.


Yes, I agree, that is what the context was in the book. At the time I was reading it, there was something about that particular sentence that made me stop and think about it and from there my mind kind of wandered beyond lifestyle needs to other needs and interests.

I think I do tend to take on the interests and needs of one I am involved with. I also noticed that I do this in some respects to various jobs I've had though also, emmersing myself in not just the position, but the field or industry also, in order to give it 125% effort. However, I like the way that Minx stated it (or was it Minxie.......or Mynx? lol), that I still retain my own interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes, etc.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
From my perspective there is a more important identity to cultivate. Once you are a couple you should feel most comfortable in that identity the morphed result of your union. That's the one you should fight like hell to protect. Part of that, a very important part, was what you brought to the table when you first met.


Thank you, excellent point! Our identities are changing with each new phase of our life, story told, experience lived to tell about, and people who come and go from our lives.

So maybe we don't lose our identity as much as add to it when we take on our Master's needs and merge them with our own.

Be well,
harmony



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