Choosing...

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AdoraLooking -> Choosing... (3/26/2007 8:34:00 PM)
I'm really new to this type of lifestyle and I don't want to rush into anything. I've been writing to several dominants, and have found several more to write to and get to know. From writing to them back and forth through emails and looking at their profile, it seems that I have alot in common with them and they have alot in common with me. How do I know which one of them will be the right one for me? How do I choose? I want something that will last a lifetime and longer, not something that will only last a couple of weeks or months or years. How did you choose and how did you know? How did you keep everything seperate and straight in your head on those that you wrote to and got to know? I'm finding it a little confusing and overwhelming some in getting to know more than one man at the same time, but I don't want to just get to know one, because then if I do I may miss out on the right one.

FukinTroll -> RE: Choosing... (3/26/2007 8:38:26 PM)
Read their posts and that will help cull the heard. Well except for my posts... don't read those... and here, wear this e-collar of uber domination... and stop talking to all of them... did I mention I need all your passwords?

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Choosing... (3/26/2007 8:49:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AdoraLooking How did you keep everything seperate and straight in your head on those that you wrote to and got to know? I'm finding it a little confusing and overwhelming some in getting to know more than one man at the same time, but I don't want to just get to know one, because then if I do I may miss out on the right one. Are you emailing with them or speaking on the phone? Are they local? Keep each and every email received and sent and refer back to them frequently while corresponding. Sure it's confusing. I think its also alot of fun.. -BSB

BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Choosing... (3/26/2007 8:57:03 PM)
Although I'm sure many of them seem to share much in common with you, get down to the nitty gritty of what is truly important to you, such as deal breakers. That will likely eliminate quite a few. You have a child and want more in the future according to your profile, so make sure they understand that. Then you really just do what you would in any type of relationship to see if you are compatible with each other. Get to know each other and watch for red flags that raise questions or concerns. Take your time and read the boards as you'll find a lot of helpful information and support here, as well as a lot of silliness too. [;)] Welcome and good luck in your search.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Choosing... (3/26/2007 9:06:04 PM)
Keep things straight by keeping notes. I am not being funny, thats how I did it when I was talking to multiple people at first. My memory for screennames is aweful. I put the interesting ones on my favorites list and made use of the notes box on the full profile tokeep track of important things that came up. I still do it on occasion, when someone catchis my interest though it tends ot me more noting birthdays and aniversaries and locations relative to me rather than other things anymore. I still have the first note I left on Angels file on there. Looking back at it I find it too funny to get rid of. It says "Interesting to talk to, but wont make much of a slave" laugh nearly a year later, I relaize how decieving first impressions can be. Hope this helps DV

agirl -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 4:49:58 AM)
How do you know anyone is right for you?.......Spending time just getting to know them as people. Meeting up for a coffee and a chat. Pretty much the same way you get to know anyone. agirl

Dnomyar -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 4:51:07 AM)
Looking for something that will last forever. Get your head out of the clouds. Shit happens. Relationships take constant work. Find someone compatiable with you and work with him on making your relationship work. If your lucky you will find one who will take the time and put in the effort to make the relationship work.

canupleaseme -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 5:11:27 AM)
I had loads of subs/slave messaging me when I first started looking and they all seemed just perfect. One day one stood out above the rest he had something more about him than the others. Every message I get now appears to be ideal and perfect and suited just to what i'm looking for. 95% of them arent at all it just takes a while to realise that some people will say anything to get it going on (cynical I know) . I think the right one will just one day stand out above the rest and then thats when the real hard work starts lol

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 5:15:01 AM)
Dynomar is right, though. Dont wait until you find the one that is going to last forever before you start makeing the effort. If you put some aside because they dont sem to have that eternal quality you are waiting for, you are going to miss out on the good ones as much as if you narrow your field and concentrate on one at a time. Once you meet someone, you have to make an effort to make it last. And it wont necessarily happen on the first, or the fifth try... just meet, keep at it and when the right one finds you you will know it. DV

Celeste43 -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 5:21:06 AM)
You haven't even met them yet. Of course you don't know who might fit you. Move up to exchanging cell phone numbers, get a new cell just for this purpose if that makes you feel better. And then meet in real life for coffee and if that goes well, you move onto lunch. But the physical connection is important also and for that you have to meet.

AdoraLooking -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 5:27:15 AM)
Thanks everyone that responded. You've all helped quite a bit. I am emailing them. I haven't talked to any on the phone yet. It's still a little early for that I think and some are local. Red flags are something I always have a hard time with. I always wind up missing those until it's to late, but with this I'll have to be more careful and watchful. I'll definitely take my time. I hope it will be that easy and the right one will just stand out. I'll be looking forward to the real hard work when it does. Well, Troll, I always read your posts, so it's to late for me not to read them, laughs. I think I'll keep my passwords, grins. Dnomyar, my heads not in the clouds. I can't help but want something that I know will last if it's worked at. I know that things can happen and relationships take a lot of work. I hope that I'll be that lucky.

AdoraLooking -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 5:31:18 AM)
I won't wait and I won't do that and that's very true. I don't want to miss out on the good ones. I will make that effort. I will, until I find the right one.

AdoraLooking -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 5:35:04 AM)
That's true, I haven't, and I don't. I'll do that and I never even thought of getting a new cell just for that. What about those that don't live in the area? It would be hard to meet for coffee. Yeah, the physical connection is definitely important.

blushingflower -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 6:02:52 AM)
The more you talk to them, the better you'll get to know them. Ask questions- about what they like in terms of kink, and about what they like outside of that. Talk to them on the phone if possible, it's a much better indication of chemistry (I think) than online chatting (and certainly than e-mail). If you're not chatting, move to that- the real time interaction is good. You want someone you can feel comfortable with. This is someone you're going to have to trust to listen to you and not cause you harm. If you find yourself censoring yourself, they're not right for you. The best romantic partners/lovers are people who can be your friends. Daddy says he collared me because I was such a good friend to him. The second time we talked on the phone, we were on the phone for 7 hours, until he fell asleep on me. The chemistry was incredible. I knew he was right for me when he told me that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was "the greatest television show ever made". Kink compatibility is certainly important- if his favorite things are your hard limits, that's a no-go. But if you don't also have vanilla compatibility, where's that relationship going to go?

SirKinkster -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 6:10:57 AM)
I'm always scared for ppl when i read posts like this,patience is deffinately called for here, there are so many trolls and fake wanna be doms on-line that it can be real dangerous for a new sub out here, I feel the best advice that I could ever give anyone new is find a local BDSM group and join and proceed with caution.....As far ar on-line goes IMHO on-line domination is fake as hell and so are most of the ppl who claim it finding a good Dom/Domme can take a very long time. the most important thing is not to get harmed along the way.......as I 've seen happen to several newbie that have found there way into the groups I belong too.... join the community express your views and watch and listen..... the one for you will become apparent

KnightofMists -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 6:36:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AdoraLooking I'm really new to this type of lifestyle and I don't want to rush into anything. I've been writing to several dominants, and have found several more to write to and get to know. From writing to them back and forth through emails and looking at their profile, it seems that I have alot in common with them and they have alot in common with me. How do I know which one of them will be the right one for me? How do I choose? I want something that will last a lifetime and longer, not something that will only last a couple of weeks or months or years. How did you choose and how did you know? How did you keep everything seperate and straight in your head on those that you wrote to and got to know? I'm finding it a little confusing and overwhelming some in getting to know more than one man at the same time, but I don't want to just get to know one, because then if I do I may miss out on the right one. I read your profile and I read this post... and I wish to caution you. Don't come into this lifestyle looking for someone. Come into this lifestyle because the lifestyle itself fits to who you are as a person. So... Learn about the lifestyle and forget about looking for someone at present. Then ... when you have a personal understanding of what the lifestyle means to you.. then you will be better armed to know who is good for you and who isn't. Frankly, if you keep on the path your going.. you are at a greater risk of being hurt before you find any sort of happiness. I suspect that more than few individuals come into this lifestyle looking for someone.. get hurt and then move on to other things. Be in this lifestyle for the right reasons! Being in this lifestyle should give you happiness regardless if you have someone or not.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 7:22:01 AM)
If it's too early to talk to them on the phone, then you're nowhere near choosing anyone for a relationship. I like what BR said a lot, follow that. And my advice is to wait at least six months before making a commitment to ANYONE.

GeekyGirl -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 8:03:17 AM)
quote: Be in this lifestyle for the right reasons! Being in this lifestyle should give you happiness regardless if you have someone or not. I think this is great advice! It took me a long time to come to the point where I was happy in the lifestyle regardless of "having" someone or not. I'm honestly at the point now where having friends in the lifestyle is more than enough...I don't feel like I "need" a partner anymore. I'm perfectly happy being single and enjoying my life and my youth. If I happen to meet Mr. Right, that's great. If not, I'll just spend time with my lifestyle friends and have fun. Looking for someone makes you too likely to settle, as I've learned the hard way. To the OP, feel blessed that you have met several potential people. I've been emailed by literally hundreds and have nothing to show for it but two dates with one person who turned out to be a jerk and a lot of wasted time on yahoo. Literally, out of hundreds, only one made it past my intial yahoo interview. I'd love to have a herd to choose from! My biggest advice is discuss all deal breakers very early on. You'd be amazed how many people don't read profiles.If you have an UM and desire more, that is DEFINATELY something you need to bring up. I know in my own case, I get contacted by a lot of people who don't read far enough into my profile to see that I do not desire, nor am I physically capable of producing UMs. It's sort of disappointing when you talk to someone for a couple of hours and then find out they didn't read basic stuff like that. Makes you feel as though you've wasted valuable time. I talk about every negative trait I have in the first or second conversation. It weeds a lot of people out,but I'm a firm believer in not settling. Make sure the ones you choose to give your number to are ones that you actually might want to go out with. Don't give it to everyone you speak with. Make them wait a little while (I usually make them wait at least a week, with lengthy conversations in the interim.)

aurora31 -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 8:28:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists I read your profile and I read this post... and I wish to caution you. Don't come into this lifestyle looking for someone. Come into this lifestyle because the lifestyle itself fits to who you are as a person. So... Learn about the lifestyle and forget about looking for someone at present. Then ... when you have a personal understanding of what the lifestyle means to you.. then you will be better armed to know who is good for you and who isn't. Frankly, if you keep on the path your going.. you are at a greater risk of being hurt before you find any sort of happiness. I suspect that more than few individuals come into this lifestyle looking for someone.. get hurt and then move on to other things. Be in this lifestyle for the right reasons! Being in this lifestyle should give you happiness regardless if you have someone or not. Such good advice KoM Sir. When I started I came in looking for someone and that first relationship was a disater. Then I rushed off on the search for another. Thanks to both KoM and kyra they helped me slam on the breaks to what I now know would of been another disaterous move. Then I got lucky and started to make the 3 1/2 hour trip to St Louis on the weekends and got involved r/t in the comunity there. I was able to meet some really wonderful people and to experiance so much. To explore who I was as a sub/slave and what I wanted. I had tons of fun in that process. Then when I had pretty much given up on looking I was intertuduced to my Sir. I am now entering the third month of a three month trial. When that time is up I will have the option of choosing to commit more fully, to leave things as is for a bit longer or to move on. I am already pretty sure what my answer is but for now I will keep that to myself. Right now it is just barely past two yrs after I entered into that first disaterous relationship. So my best advise is take your time get to know you first, get involved in your local comunity. Go to events and demos, volunteer to be a demo dummy so you can experiance things. Then when you know yourself and your not looking that right one just kind of shows up. aurora

LaTigresse -> RE: Choosing... (3/27/2007 8:41:42 AM)
Similarly to what others have said I will also suggest this. Start getting to know people in your area that are already experienced. People that have lived it. Make some friends. Spend real time with real people doing this shit for real. Odds are you won't meet the dominant of your dreams via the net. To assume you are going to meet Mr Wonderful/King Terrible on here is setting yourself up for failure and possibly even more terrible than you really want. I am not saying this is an absolute but the odds are pretty good. This site is a great resource but make it one of many. Get involved locally. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you had a network of friends that you had spent time with and trusted......you were emailing a guy that was relatively local, he seemed awsome, and you could show your friends his photo and tell them his name to hear "Oh YEAH!!! BobtheUberDom is awsome! Great guy." from people that actually know him personally. orrrrrrrrrr........"Stay away from that sick motherfucker! He.....fill in the blanks......and they never found her. He is under investigation in 5 states for......fill in the blanks....."

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