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RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:36:48 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		You need to go to him immediately....Quit dilly dallying about and move in RIGHT NOW!!!!....What's wrong with you?  If everyone acted with caution and care where would our next horrific headline or "true-life" murder mystery stories come from?   Some people are so selfish!!!

I am looking forward to the next "Law and Order"  about your story..."The character in this story are purely fictional"......That's their disclaimer but I, as well as your loved ones left behind, would take solace and pride in knowing that it was you.....Go for it!!!!

< Message edited by domiguy -- 3/28/2007 5:38:00 PM >

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(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:42:48 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		He could just be manipulating you. But, maybe he's been burned by someone who has strung him along, and then wouldn't meet. If that is the case, I can understand that. 

On the other hand, I was just in a (slightly) similar situation, and what the other person failed to understand, was that their past bad experiences didn't trump mine - expecially not if they were the Dominant, and supposedly concerned for my welfare. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with someone who was not willing to compromise on really very basic, core stuff, as a way of beginning a relationship.

But - this guy (to me) also sounds like he could just be "treading lightly" and hoping you will meet him, because he does like you. In which case, if you think you might like him, why not meet?

If you just don't think it's going anywhere, maybe end it now. If he is just being bull-headed, and this early on, he doesn't sound like he is for you.

Is he local, or out of town?  Would it be expensive to meet him (plane fare, hotel, etc.?) That (to me) would definitely also be a consideration. 

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 5:50:18 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to AdoraLooking)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:51:22 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		Then your answer won't be found on the message boards.
 
If it feels like it's moving too fast for you and he won't slow down then just be friends. "When in doubt, don't."
 
BTW, this is being written from a coffee shop where I'm waiting to meet a fellow CM member after a few e-mails. We haven't even chatted or talked on the phone! Granted, this is only for conversation and a cup of coffee as neither of us is interested in the other, but still... I guess I refuse to let my life be decided by default.
 
You seem to be looking for an answer that no one but you has.
 

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to AdoraLooking)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:55:50 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Don't listen to these people...Go...And Go NOW!!!!...Go on!...Quit looking over your shoulder and get!!!  No one here loves you anyways!...Now GET!!!!

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 5:58:14 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		Maybe we've discovered the Dominant in question....

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 6:24:21 PM   
MsOpal


Posts: 244
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline 		Hi,
when I find a potential "someone" online I exchange a few emails.  We might or might not chat and we might or might not talk on the phone.  I am only interested in locals, because I do want to meet face to face soon, in public, usually for lunch.  I do not use a safe call because I take someone with me.    This is me as a Dom Female or even just a Top meeting sub males.  So far none of them has had a safe call in place!  But then it's local, lunch.  I am not searching for my "one and only", but play partners so it isn't a big serious deal.  If someone was local and seened interested through emails then I might push for a first meeting.  For me if there isn't a tiny spark of interest face to face we will be wasting our time with weeks of emails.  After that meeting I am quite willing to let them establish a time from for the first play or for more meetings, as long as that doesn't drag out for months.  Again, I am not searching for my soul mate - I know who that person is already.  I am offering to spank someone's butt and make 'em squirm!  If I were in your place I would want some more information about whay the push and would listen carefully.  If you really feel strongly then do not do it.
MsOpal

(in reply to spanklette)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 6:24:47 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Some people want to meet early and see if there's any chemistry before investing more time in becoming friends. If this is what he's saying, then meet for coffee. A half hour with a latte isn't that much to ask.

If you like him, go to lunch or for a walk and start asking him some of the other things you need to know. This way you can still take your time learning about him and he can be sure you aren't stringing him along. And you can meet someone else a few days later and date both of them casually until a connection is formed.

If you can't do this, and I don't blame you if you can't because it is scary meeting a total stranger, then understand that his way of doing things is just as right as yours is. All it means is that your styles don't mesh and neither does your speed. It doesn't make him a player nor you a fake, it just makes you incompatible.

(in reply to AdoraLooking)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 6:35:19 PM   
MistressMelissa


Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		Much of it's a matter of style. I for one will not waste untold amounts of time exchanging emails. It has been my experience that most who write me won't step out from behind a monitor to actually live the life they claim they want. As a rule I want them to talk on the phone after a couple of emails. It speeds up the communication. Then I want to meet them publicly at a restaurant, Munch or other lifestyle event. If they are not willing to meet within a month or so, no amount of talking will probably move them out from behind a monitor. It's much easier to hind ones true nature and life their fantasy while typing on the internet. Body language speaks volumes and I want all that information.

I seek a slave, I don't seek a romantic love match. The rules of vanilla dating don't really apply.



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Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

The person who says it can not be done, should not interrupt the person doing it. - Ancient Wisdom

(in reply to AdoraLooking)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 6:36:30 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		"getting to know youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, getting to know all about you"




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My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to MistressMelissa)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 6:50:10 PM   
AdoraLooking


Posts: 15
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline 		Domiguy, laughs, I'd rather be selfish than to do that, I really value and love my life. I don't want to be on the next Law and Order, laughs. That's why I'm trying to be really careful.

Susan, he is local and doesn't live to far away for us to meet and visit and I told him in talking to him more tonight that I was interested and that I wanted to meet to get to know him more to see if it went anywhere. He didn't want to listen and didn't want to compromise, so we agreed to just be friends, because it just doesn't seem like we are compatible.

spanklette, your right my answer won't be found on the boards because it can really only come from me. I really just wanted some advice since I'm really new to all of this and I wanted to make sure that I was seeing things right. I hope that your meeting goes well. I'm not letting my life be decided by default, as it's not just my life I have to look out for, there's also an unmentionable.

Thanks everyone for the help and the advice and I'll remember it for the next time.

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 9:36:39 PM   
MistressDiane


Posts: 334
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		Maybe he's looking for, at the very least, a phone call to make sure you're not a duuuude.

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Ms. Diane
"..and they who danced were thought insane by those who refused to hear the music." ~Monet

*Suffer BayBeee!!!!!*

"My treasures do not sparkle or glitter, they shine in the sun and neigh in the night."

(in reply to AdoraLooking)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/28/2007 11:58:34 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		As a side note, my meeting went fine. I'm back home safe and sound all snuggled up with my Daddy. She was awesome and it's great to meet people face to face. Sometimes the virtual BDSM discussions become too stagnant...it's nice to talk/debate with someone over a cup of coffee.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to AdoraLooking)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/29/2007 2:39:09 AM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

curiouslyseeking
Since you are on the board seeking advice..My advice instead of looking for reasons that you should not meet to check out compatibilty, you should be looking for reasons that make you feel safer, such as having phone numbers, address, place of employment, leaving the information with a friend and/or a safe call......and just do it or move on.


I agree also. This email/phone could go on for months and months- then find out there is nothing there. What a waste of time for you both. At least meet - stop putting it off. You already have gotten to know things about him- so move ahead.

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Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to curiouslyseeking)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/29/2007 7:46:14 AM   
Mustardseed


Posts: 291
Joined: 5/27/2006
From: Seattle, WA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AdoraLooking

Susan, he is local and doesn't live to far away for us to meet and visit and I told him in talking to him more tonight that I was interested and that I wanted to meet to get to know him more to see if it went anywhere. He didn't want to listen and didn't want to compromise, so we agreed to just be friends, because it just doesn't seem like we are compatible.


That's just messed up.

I tend to detest talking on the phone with people socially unless I've already met them and unless we already have trouble ending our face-to-face conversations. The potential for dead-air wigs me out. My Daddy doesn't like the idea of giving out ones phone number to a stranger for privacy issues, and between that and my own concerns ("Um, we've barely exchanged two pieces of email -- why do they want my phone number now?) has ordered me not to do so. That's that.

However, I do have a habit of meeting people during breaks in my and my Daddy's volunteer shift on the weekends, usually during our lunch break. Want to find out if I'm what I say I am? Great! Come out to lunch with my Daddy and me. I've actually met about three people off of CM this way, which has been pretty cool. I've only played with one of them, but hey -- at least we were both willing to come out from behind the dots.

Compromise is important from both ends. I get this, possibly in small part because I'm a switch. I'm willing to confirm that I'm the person behind my profile photos, and that ... yeah, I write pretty much the way I talk. An astounding number of people are not willing to compromise: it's their time, it's their fantasy, and I'm just holding things up for them. I find that these people can be done without.

I've dealt with, either directly or by sidestepping, several determined attempts to get me into relationships I either wasn't ready for or flat out didn't want. It's amazing how many people are willing to ignore things like compatibility, communication, the other person's desires, etc. just to have things fall in place for them. (By the same token, I get a little concerned when a potential stunt bottom tells me that I can do anything I want to them, and they don't want or need anything for themselves. um ... really, now?) Feeling as though I'm pushed into a full blown relationship with someone whether or not I've confirmed that any clicking or connection I may feel has a foundation I'm comfortable with -- that's a big red flag for me.

I'm glad that you were at least willing to meet him in real life this early, and thus at least willing to meet him halfway courtship-wise. That can be a nervewracking step, even if it's just for coffee or lunch. Good for you!

(in reply to AdoraLooking)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/29/2007 9:25:54 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		I gave you a piece of advice once before, decide what it is you need and stick to that.  Nobody can push you into anything without your agreement.  It doesn't really matter whether this guy is being unreasonable and pushy, or if he's just frustrated with someone who refuses to call or meet in person and became frustrated.  You need to decide for yourself what you are looking for, what is appropriate for you, and stand firm on that.  I suspect you have trouble doing that.

If this is really a situation of someone pushing for too much too fast, then walk away, end of problem.

If its really a situation of you being scared to call or meet, then you need to be honest about that and then spend some time pondering your own fears.

If its really a situation of you not wanting to get serious because you're still "shopping" around, maybe you ought to consider the old saying about a "bird in the hand being worth two in the bush."

Of two things I am certain.  I see an individual afraid to make a decision and stick to it.  Second, we have not heard the whole story.

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Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to AdoraLooking)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/29/2007 9:32:11 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling

quote:

curiouslyseeking
Since you are on the board seeking advice..My advice instead of looking for reasons that you should not meet to check out compatibilty, you should be looking for reasons that make you feel safer, such as having phone numbers, address, place of employment, leaving the information with a friend and/or a safe call......and just do it or move on.


I agree also. This email/phone could go on for months and months- then find out there is nothing there. What a waste of time for you both. At least meet - stop putting it off. You already have gotten to know things about him- so move ahead.


Agree!!!

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/29/2007 9:39:36 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		Padriag,
 
  i believe you have summed this up quite well ....

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/29/2007 9:42:55 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Meet the guy. Lose your insecurities. If he is not what you want then you havent lost anything. If  you cant bring youself to meet him then move back to a vanilla life. This lifestyle isnt for the wishywashy.

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Getting to know someone... - 3/29/2007 9:44:33 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		You can say THAT again!! LOL

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 39
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