accepting love

accepting love (Full Version)

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tangria -> accepting love (3/28/2007 5:17:37 PM)
Hello everyone.....i love these boards, this is my first time starting a thread, please be gentle! [:@] I touched on this in a journal post, but it is on my mind, and wonder if others have felt this as well.. I find, as i age, my experiences (good and bad) influence my mindset and outlook, and that my relationships, and how i take part in them has also changed. While i have found it, in many ways, easier to become open, comfortable, and trusting in the physical sense, the emotional side has become more difficult. For some reason, accepting that someone truly cares for me, loves me, accepts me.....is proving much more difficult than my developing those feelings toweards them. i mistrust that emotion from others more, a feeling of "ok why are they telling me this, what is the angle?" as if i don't deserve it, or am unworthy in some way. It is strange, when i love, it is deeply and fiercely, with an acceptance of that person, "warts" and all......why is it so hard to allow myself to accept it in return? A self-defense mechanism, to be sure, but i want to get beyond it, as i feel it is a hindrance to a true bonding between myself and another. Has anyone else felt this? If so, how did you overcome it? or were you able to? Is it just an inevitable part of getting older, as old hurts and pain and disappoinments make us ever more cautious where our hearts and emotions are involved? i would appreciate any suggestions and thoughts you may have. thanks everyone, i wish you well.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: accepting love (3/28/2007 5:46:40 PM)
Time and learning to love yourself. I'm nowhere near perfect in this- but I've learned to accept love gracefully even if my ego doesn't want me to admit it.

darkinshadows -> RE: accepting love (3/28/2007 5:57:48 PM)
I don't know if there is an easy answer. Maybe I wish there was. It is something I struggle with every day. I have never disliked myself, I have been blessed to grow up in a stable environment and I have always had unconditional love from family and friends. Yet I am still struggling to this day with the difficulty to accept love from someone I am so close and intimate with. I know I am loved and adored and wanted and even needed. I feel it intensely. I am told it constantly and consistantly. Yet accepting it causes me to panic. But as Em says - you learn (slowly) to accept with grace and try and tell ones own ego to take a long walk for a while. It doesn't always work and there are days I could kick myself for being so closed up. But every once in a while, a little bit more falls into place and those are the days ones spirit flies. Just be open about it with your partner. I am - and I am so bloody blessed he has the patience of a saint as well as a heart that is big enough to store that love when I am struggling and feeds it to me as I can handle it. Damn I love that man.

tangria -> RE: accepting love (3/28/2007 6:04:05 PM)
LA...as usual, your wisdom is far beyond you years......and dark, this echoes exactly what i feel....thank you for taking the time to post, somehow it always makes it easier to bear when one doesnt feel so alone. i look forward to others replies, i learn so much from everyone here....

countrygirl69 -> RE: accepting love (3/28/2007 6:08:02 PM)
wow that is so where i am now . I love with all my being ,but to accept it has gotten hard and I also feel the way you described ,"whats the angle ,why would they love me " seems cruel if it is an age thing I am hoping it just takes healing time and someone who truely and deeply loves you enough to wait for you to finish .

UR2Badored -> RE: accepting love (3/28/2007 6:12:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tangria I find, as i age, my experiences (good and bad) influence my mindset and outlook, and that my relationships, and how i take part in them has also changed. While i have found it, in many ways, easier to become open, comfortable, and trusting in the physical sense, the emotional side has become more difficult. Do you think being cautious about becoming emotionally involved as something that is hindering your relationship or is enabling you to make good long term choices? What is the downside of being cautious emotionally? For some reason, accepting that someone truly cares for me, loves me, accepts me.....is proving much more difficult than my developing those feelings toweards them. i mistrust that emotion from others more, a feeling of "ok why are they telling me this, what is the angle?" as if i don't deserve it, or am unworthy in some way. Are you aware of any reason that you might mistrust that emotion from others? Your picture and word choices imply to me that you are a beautiful, thoughtful woman who has a capability to love and to be loved (based on little info you provided). Do you think that is not true for some reason relating to your past relationships? Are you accustomed to putting others ie children before you own needs? Is it a habit that is comfortable for you? I guess I am trying to get at, and not very well, is : Is it the emotion or the person offering the emotion? It is strange, when i love, it is deeply and fiercely, with an acceptance of that person, "warts" and all......why is it so hard to allow myself to accept it in return? Do you feel like you are switching roles that make you uncomfortable in the sense that you prefer to (though be occassionally cared for)..... be more service oriented and wait on others as oppose to be doted upon? A self-defense mechanism, to be sure, but i want to get beyond it, as i feel it is a hindrance to a true bonding between myself and another. Again, are you concern that the relationship is jeopardy by not fully embracing your emotions in this relationship? Do you feel time can close your emotional gap and progress towards something very substantial? Has anyone else felt this? If so, how did you overcome it? or were you able to? Is it just an inevitable part of getting older, as old hurts and pain and disappoinments make us ever more cautious where our hearts and emotions are involved? I can relate to your thoughts expressed on how you feel. I am not quite sure if I would do anything if that is the case other than allow time to develop trust and for trust to be firmly established. Of course, it would depend on whether or not the actually progression of the relationship suffered from it or how the individuals involved experienced any disappointment ....Is that the case? i would appreciate any suggestions and thoughts you may have. thanks everyone, i wish you well. <Thank you for starting such a heartfelt thread!> Much luck to you!

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: accepting love (3/28/2007 6:13:05 PM)
Past negative experiences made me think the same as you. It took me acknowledging what my insecurity was and addressing and changing it. When something is good we look for ways to disprove that something good can happen to us. Trusting your instinct and accepting yourself and faults is the best way to learn and move on.

kyraofMists -> RE: accepting love (3/28/2007 6:19:36 PM)
I don't think I can add much more than LA or darkinshadows have already stated. Time, patience and compassion for yourself. A big step for me was accepting myself and knowing that it would be okay if I wasn't perfect; it would be okay if I couldn't meet my expectations all the time. He gave me permission to fuck up and that he would still love me anyway. Another step was recognizing and accepting how he shows love. For the most part it is very similar to how I demonstrate it, so it was easy to see. What was not so easy to see was that the high expectations and push to improve myself is also how he shows love. So now, when the days come where I am feeling closed off and wanting to retreat, I treat myself gently rather than beating myself up. I recognize the actions that he is taking that show his love. Instead of that time lasting for days on end, it may last a day and mostly it is just a few hours. Knight's kyra

Devilslilsister -> RE: accepting love (3/28/2007 6:57:30 PM)
i found learning human behaviors and analyzing them helps figure out if they're all BS or not

MasterFireMaam -> RE: accepting love (3/28/2007 7:03:17 PM)
There's a school of thought that say that any negative emotion we have about a situation or person is really a negative emotion we have about a piece of ourselves. You don't trust people and you don't believe them when they say they love you. Somewhere, you've stopped trusting yourself and stopped feeling that you're worthy of love. Of course, they could really BE trying to con you, but the introspective activity you gain from the experience is a valuable lesson anyway. Master Fire

curiouslyseeking -> RE: accepting love (3/28/2007 9:13:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tangria Hello everyone.....i love these boards, this is my first time starting a thread, please be gentle! [:@] For some reason, accepting that someone truly cares for me, loves me, accepts me.....is proving much more difficult than my developing those feelings toweards them. i mistrust that emotion from others more, a feeling of "ok why are they telling me this, what is the angle?" as if i don't deserve it, or am unworthy in some way. A self-defense mechanism, to be sure, but i want to get beyond it, as i feel it is a hindrance to a true bonding between myself and another. Has anyone else felt this? i would appreciate any suggestions and thoughts you may have. *~Interesting first post, tangria...~* *Thank you for starting it because I think we can all learn a little more about ourselves...* *For me, it doesnt stop at just accepting love, I can't turn on the heart valve to give it either.* *I can give my mind, my body, my loyalty and commitment easily, but not my emotions.* *For me, it's not about not feeling worthy. I like who I am, and the person I am becoming. For me, it's opening up to hurts that I've never allowed myself to feel. Fear of the unknown.* *I want to have the courage to open that valve because it can cause a relationship to become malnourished, not allowing it to blossom to its full potential.* *So, this defense mechanism, shutdown, is very much a hindrance in my life and in my needs to surrender.* *I will continue to watch this thread with much interest for other's insights and wisdom.* *~curious~*

eyesopened -> RE: accepting love (3/29/2007 1:36:58 AM)
When i met my Master (this is a very new relationship) i did a lot of "what if's" i told myself the relationship is too new, what if this doesn't work? Then my daughter said to me "Oh yeah? and what if it DOES work?" Bless her for that! Now i've been turning every self-destructive question around. What if he doesn't leave me? What if he does love me as i am? By changing my internal dialogue i believe i can change my life.

myobedience -> RE: accepting love (3/29/2007 5:33:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam You don't trust people and you don't believe them when they say they love you. Somewhere, you've stopped trusting yourself and stopped feeling that you're worthy of love. Master Fire I would have to say, this is VERY true of me. Great thread tangria, thank you.

tangria -> RE: accepting love (3/29/2007 6:10:49 AM)
wow.........i am reminded why i visit these boards daily....thank you all so much, for sharing not only your wisdom, but your own experiences and baring a bit of your hearts and souls. you have all given me alot to think about, and i think some excellent tools for changing the way i look at things. and most importantly a bit of hope, in seeing that many of you have struggled with this, and yet still have managed to have wonderful, fulfilling realtionships...... thank you again.

LeatherBentOne -> RE: accepting love (3/29/2007 6:25:57 AM)
Could it be that you dont trust your own good judgement to know if a person is for real where loving you is concerned? I think that its all connected to how one feels about themselves, in general, and I find that it is those people who feel they arent worthy of being loved and trusting themselves to know the difference, have a negative attitude toward most people and things. This keeps people from aquiring what they truly desire, to be loved and to be happy. A sad scenerio, and one that I have seen and experienced just recently with my submissive: Unfortunately, not matter what I did to show my feelings toward her, she continued to rebel and act out until I realised that my efforts were in vain, and eventhough I went to great lengths to help her to improve her self-esteem, she resisted time and time again. I finally said to myself, "I cannot put the desire in her heart to love herself enough to accept my love for her. That has to come from within." Ultimately after 8 months of trying, I decided I was banging my head against a wall. I got to the point where I conceded that if she didnt love herself, enough even though I did all that I had in my power to help her (including getting a self-esteem workbook for me to help her with), why should I continue to punish myself with a resistant submissive (who rarely even opened the book)? It began to defy the D/s foundation in our relationship, which in turn, killed the dynamic for me when the goal of trying to convince her of my feelings and improve herself-esteem clearly had become one-sided. Insecurity played a role here, orginating from her lack of self esteem. She felt insecure unless I was constantly up in her face, showering her with constant reaffirming attention to compensated for her low self-esteem. Once I realised that she wasn't reciprocating my efforts to improve that, it became a chore for me and no longer fulfilled my needs for reciprocity and power exchange. The give and take had ended, and it became all giving on my part. Fortunately, I dont suffer from low self-esteem and love myself enough to not allow my emotional/spititual energy to be sapped and depleted in this manner. So, I was forced into making a difficult choice not only because of my feelings for her, but also, self-preservation in protecting my boundaries for the mere reason that I loved myself enough. Not an easy task, but one that is necessary and attainable. Unfortunately, my sub was unable to love herself as much as I loved her, despite all my efforts. She had the love she desired, but was unable to accept it and ultimately lost it, because she didnt love or trust herself. I hope my experience helps illustrate what low-self esteem can do to a relationship; deny one of the very things we want the most ~ to be loved and to be happy. LBO

heartfeltsub -> RE: accepting love (3/29/2007 6:30:56 AM)
LBO, that is a extremely good point and one those of us on either side of the kneel sometimes miss and that is no one can make someone else love themselves or change, not unless they are willing to do so. heartfelt

littleone35 -> RE: accepting love (3/29/2007 9:30:03 AM)
The trust thing is what is usually hard for me. When i met Master ( face to face) i just knew i could trust him. We have been together 13 months and i have been proved right. Once i know i can trust someone not to trample on my heart i gan freely give love and accept it. It can be a risk but one i would always be willing to take. I herad somewhere a broke heart has more room to let someone in. Matt's littleone

FyreFellini -> RE: accepting love (3/30/2007 11:48:02 AM)
knee-jerk reactions are such a bitch and no I never figured out a way to stop those old tapes from becoming a self-fullfilling prophesy and screwing up my life

fingerman075 -> RE: accepting love (3/31/2007 8:12:26 AM)
love is what get me into troble every time,thet love me but come wright down too it i dont love them but i do lust after what a female slave will endure for me,i mean really im i willing too let them swich and do the same too me hell no.they all have dreffent limits,the other day i slaps one and gess what i forgot that her hard limit was face slaping,i can beat her black and blue any other place but her face,and with one slap i ive lost her love.

juliaoceania -> RE: accepting love (3/31/2007 9:39:21 AM)
I have had the opposite experience. I love myself more today than I ever have. I feel more deserving of love today than I ever have. I have more faith in my ability to overcome being hurt than I ever have. I am learning to trust more than I ever have. Aging has just seemed to make me more emotionally honest and upfront, because to be other wise just does not sit well with me. Accepting another's love is about self acceptance, I accept myself more and more as I age, and I value myself more also.

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