Interest and disinterest as time passes

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Interest and disinterest as time passes - 3/30/2007 7:20:59 AM

Notanaddict

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I would say, as a general rule, I am more than average interested in bdsm, both the lifestyle and as a way of playing.
Initially my interest was sparked when I started dating a woman who was very into the lifestyle, and more than her trying to get me into, I saw something that I was very interested in and I pursued getting info and learning on my own. I never did end up doing to much with this woman except have great sex and wonderful interesting conversations. We also did a bit of the scene.

I later started dating another woman is interested in bdsm as well, is fairly unexperienced but has alot of fetishes that go well with both mine and the general "well-known" fetishes within the life style...

But for some reason I feel less and less willing to explore the "darker" side of me now that I have somethere willing to let me do that. When w started dating I was very much topping her but somehow dynamics shifted somewhat and I now am less interested in topping and more interested in being topped... Although this has happened as well, its not "right".. Regardless, I love her muchly and we live together, and I don't want out of the relationship... I guess I don't even know if my lack of lust lately is me, stress, the sex or just a "down" period... never the less, its frustrating for my gf...

I guess my questions are:
When u started out, did u find that an interest was sparked and then disappeared for a while later on?
Do u always want a "chocolate chip" relationship over a vanilla one, or do u firstly look for a suitable partner and then figure out the fetishes and play later?
Do u experience periods where u feel less sexual, regardless of partner at the time?

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RE: Interest and disinterest as time passes - 3/30/2007 7:32:34 AM

MasterFireMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Notanaddict
I guess my questions are:
When u started out, did u find that an interest was sparked and then disappeared for a while later on?

Yes. There are some fetishes that I looked into because I was initially interested that fell along the wayside.

quote:

Do u always want a "chocolate chip" relationship over a vanilla one, or do u firstly look for a suitable partner and then figure out the fetishes and play later?

There will always be a bit of the lifestyle, even if it's only rough sex, in a relationship. This is part of who I am and I simply won't deny myself. However, I wouldn't be totally fulfilled in a relationshp that's just rough sex as far as SM is conserned. SM doesn't even HAVE to be sexual for me, but it is nice when it is.

quote:

Do u experience periods where u feel less sexual, regardless of partner at the time?

Of course. We have a natual cycle, us humans. It happens.

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RE: Interest and disinterest as time passes - 3/30/2007 7:34:58 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Things come in waves. Most people who hang around the lifestyle more than 3 years will find they become jaded or bored with at least some things over time. And if they hang around more than 7 years, they find interests in various things come and go and come and go, sometimes on a predictable pattern.

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RE: Interest and disinterest as time passes - 3/30/2007 8:39:55 AM

thetammyjo

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The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to find what works for you and to go with that. There's no reason to do it all or to always be "on". As both MasterFireMaam and LuckyAlbatross has said, human beings have natural cycles of interest and disinterest. Or another way to think about may be that we change and that is healthy for us.

The concern maybe more that your feelings for your new girlfriend might be clashing with what you really think about BDSM. You may not even be conscious of all the things you associate with it but I have heard the same thing many many times. For some people the closer they feel to a person the less they desire SM or other things.

That isn't how it works for me but I have heard and seen it many times so you are not alone.

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RE: Interest and disinterest as time passes - 3/30/2007 9:33:48 AM

Dnomyar

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It could be that the lifestyle is really not for you. Your interest may lean more toward the vanilla side.

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RE: Interest and disinterest as time passes - 3/30/2007 9:40:45 AM

spanklette

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Curiosity is a powerful aphrodisiac. Once your curiosity has been sated, sometimes your sexual appetite wanes, as well. There are so many things to explore and to do within the lifestyle that I'm sure you'll find something else to be curious about and then you'll be back where you started. It's cyclical...I think LA said that, but it's worth repeating.

Another thing to mention, if even off topic, is medication. Some medications will shut your libido down completely as I found out to my and my Daddy's chagrin.

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RE: Interest and disinterest as time passes - 3/30/2007 10:27:44 AM

Dnomyar

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Blood pressure medication will do that to you.

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RE: Interest and disinterest as time passes - 3/30/2007 11:54:05 AM

hawkwolf7

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Just another tought...

As part of many self-actualization processes, it is important to "try things on" to see how they fit. I think that is only natural, and it could be described as healthy.

But, it is my observation that when someone enters a relationship in a designated role, and later discover they want to explore another role, even the opposite role, that the partner(s) in the relationship have a hard time keeping up. I've also observed the situation where both partners develop resentments. The static partner is resentful because the relationship dynamic changed on them. The growing partner is resentful because their needs aren't getting met.

Oh, and it is entirely possible that as the relationship has developed, the "top" partner discovers that they develop "bottom" desires, simply because of who their partner is.

If this looks like it matches what you are seeing, perhaps it makes sense to explore your "bottom" desires with another person? Maybe in non-sexual scene, to prevent jealousy problems? Or, consider a three person scene, where the third person is there to top you? Or help your partner top you? Or maybe you are like me; when I bottom, I get very "toppy"as a result. (If my guess regarding the dynamic is correct, this would be a convenient solution.)

I guess what I am trying to say is that, in the BDSM lifestyle, you have options available to you that wouldn't typically apply. I would include these options in your search for a solution.

Sincerely,
HawkWolf

< Message edited by hawkwolf7 -- 3/30/2007 12:00:06 PM >

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RE: Interest and disinterest as time passes - 3/30/2007 12:06:40 PM

hereyesruponyou

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Doesn't that happen with everything in life to some point? There is very little i am excited about all the time. Sometimes a short break allows us to resume with even more vigor and energy.

Or it could be the weather......

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RE: Interest and disinterest as time passes - 3/30/2007 1:03:49 PM

completenz

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Before I met c, I had seen and read a reasonable amount about the bdsm scene, as well lived for a while and dated a couple of submissives (well they said they were lol), I played and had all these wonderful kinky ideas from pictures and from the local bdsm groups.
Then I met c, we just clicked, emotionally and physically, I have never felt like this before. No longer do we play, but we "touch", we experience an exchange of energy during those times that I never knew possible, our love grows deeper every time. We have been together now for over a year and are going to be married next year, spending the rest of our lives exchanging our energy and love fills me with joy.
The result is that I look at so many things that interested me in the scene as shallow, showy and as a way of covering up the lack of any deep emotion or commitment. Sure they can be fun at the time, but like a one night stand leaves you with nothing.
I can understand those that love those "showy" aspects of bdsm but if the next day you feel unfulfilled and just a little empty, I think you need to try and find another person that you truly click with. I know my view has changed from when I was introduced to bdsm a few years ago, but wow where I am now is absolutely amazing.
C

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