RE: childhood abuse and BDSM

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RE: childhood abuse and BDSM - 4/10/2007 1:52:46 PM

LadyIce

Posts: 406
Joined: 7/4/2006
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Hearing all these stories of childhood abuse has been sad.
I do not think I could accept a submissive that had been abused, unless
he had been treated for his abuse issues.
I would always be worried about his abuse and wondering if I was making it worse.

(in reply to MistressEnya)

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RE: childhood abuse and BDSM - 4/10/2007 11:57:33 PM

angelicsubbie

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/2/2007
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I have to admit that I did not read through all of the responses, but I can say that I have been through abuse myself. At the beginning of high school, I got upset if anyone tried to touch me--even to pick something off my shirt or this or that, I plain and simple didn't want anyone around me. Through various relationships, and exploration, I have greatly improved upon that. It takes me a while to trust someone, but the right person will know when to push and when not to. I have had talks about my limits, and which can be gently pushed, and which at this moment I don't wish to be touched with a ten foot pole, though I am sure that will change eventually. I think that you need to find someone who is patient, and understanding. Let them know ahead of time what's going on, what you know triggers you, and I think it is also very important to talk about how you react--and how they should react to that. If someone pushes a wrong button do you want them to totally leave you alone, or give you a comforting hug? These things are easier to talk about beforehand, and for me at least knowing that someone understands helps my ability to trust...

(in reply to MistressEnya)

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RE: childhood abuse and BDSM - 4/23/2007 5:52:38 PM

kiwisub12

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Joined: 1/11/2006
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I have been with my Dom for over a year now in a 24/7 relationship. We have a very fufilling, exciting and loving relationship/life, and yet, every so often we will be doing something that has an emotional impact with me that is totally out of proportion with what is going on. The first time it happened, my Sir immediately stopped the scene and just cuddled me. I spoke with my therapist (a wonderful man!!!) about the episode, and he felt that it probably related back to an incident unremembered from my childhood. From the emotional reaction, I concure, and I also feel the way my Dom reacted - loving, tolerant - enabled me to work past it. We have been in similar play scenes since and have had no adverse reactions.

i think that there are always things in our pasts that will cause reactions in our presents. If we are very lucky we will have a support system that will allow us to process these incidents and move past them. For myself, my therapist has given me the tools to look at my past (not overtly abusive) , and go on, my life is 180 degrees from where it was when i started- and i will never be able to thank him enough.

interestingly enough, he thinks that the reason i did so well in therapy is my submission ( which wasn't overt when we started) - every time he suggested something for me to do or think about - i did it! Apparently not a usual reaction.

anyway, where i am going in a rather rambling way - is to suggest therapy for your self. It isn't comfortable most of the time, and can be very uncomfortable - but at the end,if you have done your work, you will be a more comfortable person in your own skin, and life.

(in reply to angelicsubbie)

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RE: childhood abuse and BDSM - 4/23/2007 6:12:49 PM

blackwinterbyrd

Posts: 112
Joined: 9/4/2006
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of course it has. I liked the theory that children who may grow into submissive adults are targeted by abusers. It takes the pathology out of BDSM in my opinion. I for one have very clear memories of my childhood and no desire to 'work through them' in a romantic or sexual context. If anything, those bad experiences have encouraged me to avoid certian types of play.

I have a strange contradiction. I am a masochist, I have always been a masochist. As a small child, without any self-loathing or intense emotions, I would harm myself just for the sensation. I still might sometimes. As a result of childhood abuse I am NOT a masochist. When someone I love and trust hurts me I get very angry and afraid, even if I have consented to it. I don't like the feeling, I can't control it, so I don't play masochist.
I don't think your Dom responded well at all. I think it sounds like a bad fight, mixed up with BDSM roles and expectations. I'm sorry for the pain it has caused, but you deserve someone who can control their anger if anger really disturbs you.

(in reply to MistressEnya)

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RE: childhood abuse and BDSM - 4/25/2007 9:50:40 AM

Jmv0405

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/8/2006
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I think to say that their is a connection is impossible.

I am not interested in the scene because I was abused. I had a very happy childhood.

Others who were abused and are in the scene, can't know whether they would be in the scene had they not been abused.

That being said, I think honesty is the best of all policies, and communication. In fact, I usually ask any submissive before we play if they have ever been abused. This gives them the chance to tell me if something is wrong and signify to me if I should go slower.

(in reply to blackwinterbyrd)

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RE: childhood abuse and BDSM - 5/8/2007 8:04:57 AM

SlaveSubtoserve

Posts: 282
Joined: 6/21/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplySubmissive

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkkeith

I was at the library on Monday and found a number of books about how past abuse causes an interest in BDSM (which I find hard to believe), but nothing about those into BDSM and abuse issues. Anyone know of any good books or magazine articles?

I have always believed that it isn't the abuse that causes the interest.. but that abusers find certain types.. "submissive" maybe isn't the best word, but children that are less apt to defy.. most children want to please adults in some way, but I think there may be a certain trait in children who grow up to become interested in this lifestyle. hard to put into words.. but some children are just easier to manipulate and control.. maybe abusers pick up on that.
I don't know of any studies that back this up, just my personal theory.

....i think the general idea here is that children when confronted with a situation outside of their control involving excessive pain, etc. (which may be found in many childhood hospital stays btw so its not just an 'abuse' issue), have one coping mechanism which involves eroticising that pain in order to deal with something they don't understand---- years later this experience then becomes a natural trigger for an interest in BDSM which by way of its concnesual nature enables them to relive the original painful experience with more control and a more enjoyable conclusion--- BDSM orgasm or joy, etc. This is a pretty common psychol view which i think has a lot of merit and i am only surprised by the lack of attention given to the effect of hospital type visits for children with all the interplay of pain and dominance from female nurses and male doctors, etc....as a root of interest in later BDSM .

(in reply to SimplySubmissive)

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Post #: 26