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The right one - 3/31/2007 9:08:26 AM   
dominiquethecat


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/16/2005
Status: offline 		I have a very simple and direct question.....how do you know who is good for you? Is there just direct experience....mine have been quite disastrous. Getting exactly the wrong attitude rather tahn the wrong performance..if you know what I mean.
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RE: The right one - 3/31/2007 9:11:13 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		You have no sure way to know who is right or you, but going with your gut feeling after a first meeting or so can usually help you figure out who is wrong for you.  Everything else tends to be a learning curve, you learn them as they learn you.  Just make sure you dont get more involved than your are ready for. If it doesnt feel right, then dont do it.  If they have a problem with how slowly you want t take things, then they arent for you. 
Its been how I do things, and its worked fairly well for me.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to dominiquethecat)
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RE: The right one - 3/31/2007 9:27:27 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Unfortunately, there's no fool-proof formula for knowing who is right for us. DV gave some sound advice, and I'd add these questions: do they care for you? Does your well-being matter to them? Do you look forward to their company? Even if you can answer "yes", that doesn't mean they're right for you, but it's a start.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to dominiquethecat)
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RE: The right one - 3/31/2007 11:35:30 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Have you answered that question for yourself? Just what qualitites would make someone "good for you"? Until you do that, you are shooting in the dark trying to choose a partner.

I am not one who favors gut instinct as a reasonable measure. It is too easily fooled, either by the other, or even by yourself. Unless you have spent many years taking the time to really know yourself, gut instinct will lead you wrong more often than not.

Once you do know what it is you want/need, yes there is a simple answer. Communication, communication, communication. Meet the person in person, several times and just talk about everything, vanilla and lifestyle. Take your time to really get to know someone; there is no short cut to that.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

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RE: The right one - 3/31/2007 1:53:34 PM   
Totalmaster4you


Posts: 1359
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		Dear domanique,
I need a little more information on how you currently rate prospective Tops. What kind of Top do you want; sadistic; cruel; kind; 24/7; bedroom only; etc. If you've hung around a bit you should be aware that just about every situation is unique, however you should learn from each experiance. Why did you choose the people that didn't work out. Is there a pattern that you can see from what you've done in the past?

_____________________________

Sometime ago I decided it was time to change my nic. However I didn't wish to disconnect from my original profile. Since then I've signed Touch your mind (TYM or Tym). Opinions in my posts should be taken as my opinion and my opinion only.

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RE: The right one - 3/31/2007 2:03:44 PM   
unsung


Posts: 183
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Unfortunately, there's no fool-proof formula for knowing who is right for us. DV gave some sound advice, and I'd add these questions: do they care for you? Does your well-being matter to them? Do you look forward to their company? Even if you can answer "yes", that doesn't mean they're right for you, but it's a start.


Level, I have to express my gratitude in seeing these considerations mentioned.  They certainly are biggies for me in determining a match or not, and actually quite distinguishable to tell in honesty and response.  Thank you for mentioning them. :)

(in reply to Level)
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RE: The right one - 3/31/2007 2:55:46 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		My pleasure, unsung .

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to unsung)
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RE: The right one - 3/31/2007 3:06:50 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		If you find yourself in the same situation over and over (such as an unsatisfying relationship) look at what's similar or the same about each. Once you identidy that, change it and see if you can get better.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to dominiquethecat)
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RE: The right one - 3/31/2007 10:38:01 PM   
DocTSH


Posts: 109
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		If you're finding yourself in the same situations over and over again, then you might want to take a look at what your qualifications for a prospective Top is. There are some people who look great on paper, but then the chemistry isn't there.
 
There's no real answer to your question that you're going to get from this board other than to look to yourself for guidance.

(in reply to dominiquethecat)
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RE: The right one - 4/3/2007 10:06:42 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		At 39 you should have a fair bit of experience in relationships. What kind of people do you like? Do you prefer people who get angry often but calm down quickly? Or do you prefer people who rarely get angry but almost never forgive? The same goes for every character trait possible.

What might help is to write down lists of traits you esteem in a partner and those you dislike. Then before you jump into the next relationship look at the lists and see where he belongs, not from what he says but from his actions.

(in reply to DocTSH)
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RE: The right one - 4/3/2007 10:47:39 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

If you find yourself in the same situation over and over (such as an unsatisfying relationship) look at what's similar or the same about each. Once you identidy that, change it and see if you can get better.

Master Fire



Having been around the block 12 or 73 times myself, I can say that my current behaviors match this methodology.

I realize it's a big world out there, and it is likely that there might be more than one person I would enjoy being with.  But the field has to be narrowed.

I know from past experiences what I 'don't' want.  It's fairly easy for me to at least discern a prospective partner on certain criteria alone.  That makes a painless rejection easier than drawing things out and complicating matters later on.

I will freely admit that I have been drawn to people who demonstrated being drawn to me first.  Call me a slut if you wish, but considering the differing numbers in men vs. women who claim to be involved in the Lifestyle has made it easy for someone to 'come on' to me and I'm 'in'.

Lately, even the attention alone has not made me rethink my priorities.  I keep my eye on the prize knowing that if I can find someone who I wish to be with equal to the amount that I am desired, that fireworks are bound to happen.

Here's hoping for the rest of you.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: The right one - 4/5/2007 11:24:43 AM   
masterdstar


Posts: 160
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		From the TPE perspective it is simple; a true understanding B/both of the difference between want and need and the understanding that with the commitment comes responsibility.

When that is met then you might have the O/one for Y/you – perhaps but I know it sounds corny but real genuine totally open communication is everything. Too M/many are playing some movie in T/their heads and T/they are the only O/ones watching it.

And the trickiest part of all? An understanding that control and submission are illusions; it is really about Domination and surrender.

This all leads to something that 99 out of 100 do not want to do; getting beyond vanilla thinking, it’s not what you say it’s what you do and I don’t mean just sexually.

Enjoy your wonder-filled day

(in reply to mstrjx)
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RE: The right one - 4/5/2007 11:34:48 AM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dominiquethecat

I have a very simple and direct question.....how do you know who is good for you? Is there just direct experience....mine have been quite disastrous. Getting exactly the wrong attitude rather tahn the wrong performance..if you know what I mean.


Simple answer:
There is no way to know except..when you find that person that is right...you will know when you find them.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to dominiquethecat)
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RE: The right one - 4/5/2007 12:06:17 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dominiquethecat

I have a very simple and direct question.....how do you know who is good for you? Is there just direct experience....mine have been quite disastrous. Getting exactly the wrong attitude rather tahn the wrong performance..if you know what I mean.

How do you know who is good for you? The same way you know if a boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/friend is good for you.

YOu say that your experiences have been quite disastrous? Why have they been? If you can answer that, you will have answered any question that may come up.

And last but not least. What kind of attitude are you talking?

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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RE: The right one - 4/5/2007 1:46:46 PM   
daejannaO


Posts: 137
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		i have found that the best way to know is to go to that person and not wait for Him to go to you.  i have found it to be so with Mistresses.
i don't see why it would be different with Masters.
i think that they expect the submissive to seek them out.

(in reply to dominiquethecat)
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RE: The right one - 4/5/2007 6:58:14 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		An important place is knowing and understanding yourself.  When I first started out 2.5 years ago I was pretty clear about who I was, my values, how I wlak through the world.  The things I think kinda go with my territroty.  Cause I am NOT a blank slate.  And I wanted somsone who matched that well.  Someone I wasn't gonna have to go through huge personality overhaul to be with.  And I focused on that when getting to know a guy.  I looked at how he treated me.  What interest he showed in me, my thoughts, my values, mind, my passions.  And I learned about his in turn.  I have to read people to survive at work, to live in this world.  I use the same skills.  Doesn't tell me if he will be someone with whom I match long term but it does weed out the dreastically unsuitable in the first email or so, and certainly over that first 3 hour dinner.



_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to dominiquethecat)
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