Safety

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snowgirlsub -> Safety (4/2/2007 6:39:41 PM)
In the past…I have met local men via mutual friends and shared interests. Lately, I have met several nice men by way of CM. The problem is that they are not local….and I’m not certain they are who they profess to be. (As far as they know…neither am I.) Anyway, what do you think of running a background check on someone? It seems like a good idea. There are several pay sites that can give you a person’s history. Are these reliable? Do you recommend any certain one? Thanks, SGS

PsyVamp -> RE: Safety (4/2/2007 6:58:41 PM)
I have not run a background check on anyone yet. I usually just arrange to meet in a public place. Psy

snowgirlsub -> RE: Safety (4/2/2007 7:16:45 PM)
Hi PsyVamp, I agree with you...but if the person is long distance...it's hard to meet in a public place. See what I mean? What do you do then? SGS

azzmaster -> RE: Safety (4/2/2007 7:25:30 PM)
more advice on the long distance thing... talk on the phone ALOT before considering meeting... and if someone has alot of excuses thats a red flag, or they can't talk at night THEY R MARRIED... i notice women tend to be really worried about married men and thats legit... but that is minor compared to what can happen if u meet a psycho type... in my work i have seen some of what can happen so i always caution women to be really careful... if u talk alot especially on the phone and not just text or IM, and not just talk about sex u can get a pretty good feel for someone... i m careful about women also, not because i am physically afraid but i don't want someone who will have sex and turn around and cry rape or have some stalker ex she is trying to make jealous on hand

spanklette -> RE: Safety (4/2/2007 7:38:49 PM)
You get a hotel room...one He's not privy to. Then you meet at a public place.

PsyVamp -> RE: Safety (4/2/2007 8:04:14 PM)
That is the best way to do it, get a room and don't say anything. Keep the first meeting public. Don't forget to set up safe calls. Gee, this is starting to sound like my life. [;)] Psy

rmanrr -> RE: Safety (4/2/2007 9:57:10 PM)
Greetings... Safe calls, safe network have Him come to you, in your comfort zone...public settings....background checks...references ...speak to people who know Him....Safety and Caution should be watchwords on both sides of the kneel.

MistressNoName -> RE: Safety (4/2/2007 10:13:03 PM)
Wow, twice in a 24 hour period I am agreeing with Azz...with long distance people, I have to say the best way to get to trust the person is to have a lot of conversation...and the phone is the best tool. Most ppl have cell phones with national plans, so there are no LD charges...you do, of course, have to be mindful of your minutes, but keep it to nights and weekends and you should be ok. Also, if you have a mic on your computer and yahoo chat, you can do telephony-type chat in real time...like the phone but over the internet. I've had two such experiences in getting to know men who lived pretty far away. The first one turned out to be a jerk and the second one was a very sweet person who I came to care a lot about. So, again, getting to know a LD person as well as you can via phone is the best course and then when it comes to meeting in person, observe all the standard safety precautions, but a lot of anxiety will most likely have been relieved by time you decide to meet up. Be safe, MNN

azzmaster -> RE: Safety (4/2/2007 10:21:28 PM)
yes i emphisize the phone chat because even if u meet in a public place someone can put on a good face for awhile, whereas with something ongoing u can see if the person is inconsistant, verbally abusive or starts bringing the drama...i would say the public place thing is good of course...the internet is a marvelous place for bringing like minded people together but also a place where preditors are always lurking... and the maxim " if it sounds too good to be true don't go for it" is a good rule to follow be it dating or buying stuff on craigslist

WilliamWizer -> RE: Safety (4/2/2007 10:26:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rmanrr Greetings... Safe calls, safe network have Him come to you, in your comfort zone...public settings....background checks...references ...speak to people who know Him....Safety and Caution should be watchwords on both sides of the kneel. I agree with you in all but "have him come to you, in your comfort zone". because both need to be careful not only the submisive.

Quivver -> RE: Safety (4/3/2007 1:46:13 AM)
In the last couple years I've met a handfull of Dominants. The split is pretty 50 / 50 local and long distance. I have to say that those I've met who live at a distance have turned out better meets then those who were local. All I can attribuite it to is we have spent much more time on the phone, and or IM's.

ownedkitten -> RE: Safety (4/3/2007 1:49:26 AM)
I agree with the above statements. It usually takes me quite some time before I can consider meeting someone offline for the first time. We can chat/email for awhile but phone contact is a must for me for awhile before anything moves forward. I have always had the following rules in place when meeting someone of the opposite sex from the internet: 1. The place we meet will be in my comfort zone. 2. Public meeting only (coffee shop, ect). 3. Safe calls - usually several. I have never met someone specifically for "play" so I cannot add much in that department. My biggest bit of advice would be to trust your instinct! If it feels "off" or "wrong" then it probably is! Grace In Service, caitriona

DocTSH -> RE: Safety (4/3/2007 2:33:10 AM)
There are those out there that need that to proceed with extremme caution in a relationship for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately many of us have come to pay for the "Sins of my father" mentality of our current society. I for one, simply use common sense. You can never ask enough questions, and if one is ever put off, that would be a red flag to me. I often goggle the area where a person lives and find out about local events, historical sites and the such, and bring it up in conversation...if the person I'm talking with seems to have no knowledge, well to me that is one hell of a sign of a poser, and potential threat to the safety of those around me. If it doesn't feel right, it most likely isn't. Look for the way people write too. If they cant complete a sentence, that makes me wonder...if a person says they are from Alalbama for instance and doesn't know the term "Roll Tide Roll!", well thats a red flag on fire! I think that running a background check on someone is understandable, however it exposes the person or persons it is being run on to some serious invasion of privacy as far as credit, drivers liscense abstracts and sometimes relationship can be exposed as well without their knowledge. It's hard to be a trusting cynic....I know this really doesn't answer your question, however it is what it is, food for thought.

SirPain -> RE: Safety (4/3/2007 3:03:12 AM)
Something I don't think I've seen mentioned here. Find out if they know anyone you know. Then contact that person, the mutual acquaintance. Then ask a lot of questions. I have been in this lifestyle for over 30 years both publicly and private (mostly private) but I do know some people and they know me. Just ask, you and I can try to come up with a list of who we mutually know. Next, when you do go from CM to IM's and they want to know if you have a web cam. Fine (I do have one), but if you want to see me then I should have the same right and if your response is "I don't have one, yet" I will be willing to talk with you for a little while, but I will also expect you to get and properly install a web cam. If the web cam is not going to happen, then neither are we. This goes to several areas that are currently being discussed. One, it allows me to see that I am really speaking to the GENDER I was told. Two, it allows me to see that I am speaking to the AGE I was told. Three, it assures me, on a lesser level that you are not hiding this from your spouse. The cheating thing is your problem until the divorce proceeding start and I'm called as a Co-respondant. That's when the archieves of our IM's will, and have, saved my ass. So, saftey first, for everyone. Know who you're playing with and why. Be careful and enjoy. Sir Pain

hereyesruponyou -> RE: Safety (4/3/2007 4:48:29 AM)
I have to say "local" can be a misleading term. Most people i meet are about 2 hours away and that's what i consider local. It's actually not a bad distance for a first meet as you can split the difference and meet somewhere public and a little familiar, but not so close to home that they will know where you live if they turn out to be scary. I am always vague about exactly where i live until someone makes me comfortable enough to share that information (usually a few weeks). I am not in any hurry to meet anyone anymore and i ahve found this is the best test actually for weeding out the posers. Many start out excited and get into the idea quickly, chatting freely about bdsm and non-bdsm interests etc... but maintaining that contact for at least 2 weeks is less common except with those i really do feel are worth meeting. Be safe and trust yourself. If there's something you can't quite put your finger on but keeps nagging at you anyhow, give it some air and it will eventually come to light. I am not a "background check" kind of girl. I do run the phone numbers i get just to see if they even match the area i am being told they are from. Even unlisted numbers give you a state/city location

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