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RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 8:37:56 AM

BayouSub

Posts: 40
Joined: 4/2/2007
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As a submissive male, I want to be controlled. For me, control is the essence of the D/S dynamic - everything else is details. I cannot imagine submitting to someone who does not have a strong desire to control me. I adore control freaks.

On the other hand, there are many fake dominants who think that barking orders at someone is what it is all about.

Each submissive has their own limits as to the level of control and this is worked out with the dominant. I desire a substantial amount of control even in my vanilla life. For example, I would have no problem with a dominant telling me what clothes I am allowed to wear (consistent with my work requirements). Other subs would consider this beyond their limit.

To answer the initial question: I don't think there is necessarily any difference between being controlling and being a dom as long as you are really a Dom/Domme.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 21

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 8:54:04 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I think it's all about how you present yourself. There are Dominants and benevolent leaders...and there are Assholes in Black Vests and micromanaging domineering beligerent control freaks.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 22

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 8:56:39 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I think it's all about how you present yourself. There are Dominants and benevolent leaders...and there are Assholes in Black Vests and micromanaging domineering beligerent control freaks.

Master Fire

I like this explaination!

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 23

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 9:15:07 AM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

well unlike some, i don't believe that D/s is a whole separate universe where only people who know and accept the labels are truly Dominant or submissive. if a person is Dominant, they are Dominant whether they are in the lifestyle or vanilla, in a D/s relationship or in a vanilla relationship. with that said, simply being controlling is not enough to qualify as a Dominant. as someone stated, it depends where the urge/drive to control is coming from...a sense of weakness or a sense of power. if they control because they are secure within themselves and are simply driven to do so...not out of fear or insecurity...then i would describe even a "vanilla" controlling person as a Dominant.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 24

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 9:26:32 AM

PONYSEEKER

Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Yes there is a difference. A controlling person just tries to control where a Dom is more into concentual control also the sub and the dom decide what and how the control is done where someone that is just a control freak controls everything. Its not really about control so much as authority ... who has ... but its something that is given instead of taking. Being a Dom is a lot about knowing where the boundries are and staying with them and when they are pushed they are pushed for difinitive reasons.... not really much hidden manipulation going on with Doms. Ask a Dom why he/she is controlling you and they can give you difinitive reason why something is taking place and why it is needed and what effect it is suppose to achive... if you ask a control freak its because your stupid.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 25

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 9:47:17 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

The difference lies in consent.

If I was dating a vanilla and he decided he would order for me but hadn't asked if I would let him do so, then he would not have my consent. At that point I would feel free to tell him he was a control freak and walk out of there, leaving him to eat both dinners.

However if The Man decides to order for me, or feed me, it is not control freak behavior because he doesn't do it with everyone, only with someone who has previously consented to his control.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 26

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 9:56:36 AM

BayouSub

Posts: 40
Joined: 4/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

well unlike some, i don't believe that D/s is a whole separate universe where only people who know and accept the labels are truly Dominant or submissive. if a person is Dominant, they are Dominant whether they are in the lifestyle or vanilla, in a D/s relationship or in a vanilla relationship.

I agree with you that the same standards apply in the both the lifestyle and vanilla world in determining whether a person is dominant.

quote:

if they control because they are secure within themselves and are simply driven to do so...not out of fear or insecurity...then i would describe even a "vanilla" controlling person as a Dominant.

Exactly. I would add, however, that we should not confuse Dominance with power and authority in the vanilla word. Dominance is the desire to be in control and this can exist if a person is an auto mechanic or a waitress as much as it can in a big corporation chief executive.

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 27

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 10:00:57 AM

jauntyone

Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline

Greetings

I tend to look at things differently. A dominant personality is one that is controlling; it's not a title that one is given. Master is very controlling with everyone he comes into contact with; but this does not make him a Dominant.

I wish you well

melissa

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 28

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 10:07:09 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jauntyone
Master is very controlling with everyone he comes into contact with; but this does not make him a Dominant.

I wish you well

melissa

Interesting definition. I don't agree. I don't control my boss...or my lover...and certainly not my cats.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to jauntyone)

Post #: 29

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 10:15:43 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

its a fine line.....i think one has a better chance of navigating as a dom, if he or she has developed skills in his own life of leadership, decision making, time management, empathy, self inqiriry, personal and career success, and emotional avalibility....

you'll notice that controlling does not even make the list.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 30

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 10:32:24 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jauntyone
Master is very controlling with everyone he comes into contact with; but this does not make him a Dominant.

I wish you well

melissa

If he tried to be controlling over me at a meeting I was chairing, he would find himself asked to be removed. If he tried to be controlling over my partner in a way that was uncomfortable for him in any way, he would as well be asked to stop.

I understand the merits in manipulating situations and people in subtle ways- but controlling people? That's different.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to jauntyone)

Post #: 31

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 10:41:34 AM

jauntyone

Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline

Greetings Masterfiremaam and Luckyalbatross

I don't disagree with what you have both said; only that in the context of the question asked, I see the terms differently. Perhaps because I tend to respond easier to those who ARE controlling in this way, I don't see it as a bad thing. It all comes down to what each of us is comfortable with.

I wish you both well

melissa

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 32

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 11:12:46 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar
Is there a difference between being controling and being a Dom? In the lifestyle a Dom/Domme is supposed to be controling. In vanilla a controling person is considered an asshole. Is there any difference between the two?

Not all vanilla controlling people are assholes. It depends on how you define controlling and asshole, I suppose. I work with a number of "controlling" people. While there are a few who are assholes, IMO, most are just people with a very specific goal in mind who make sure that everyone involved is on the same path to their goal. That's part of their job and it saves people's lives.

I was married to a vanilla domineering man. VERY different kettle of fish. He was controlling in some ways, but mostly he was irresponsible. To me this is the biggest difference between being an asshole controller and a Dominant. A Dominant is responsible for their actions and takes responsibility for another person's welfare. A controlling asshole or domineering person pushes responsibility for their goals onto other people. While no one is perfect, the majority of the Dominants I know take responsibility for themselves and their actions. They are willing to be responsible for what they do to a submissive.

Just my off-the-cuff thoughts...

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 33

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 11:31:51 AM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BayouSub

I would add, however, that we should not confuse Dominance with power and authority in the vanilla word. Dominance is the desire to be in control and this can exist if a person is an auto mechanic or a waitress as much as it can in a big corporation chief executive.

agreed.

(in reply to BayouSub)

Post #: 34

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 12:33:18 PM

pixiedustboo

Posts: 14
Joined: 6/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Is there a difference between being controling and being a Dom? In the lifestyle a Dom/Domme is supposed to be controling. In vanilla a controling person is considered an asshole. Is there any difference between the two?

I read something from another when He answered a similar question. Paraphrasing it, it was that control is about something one can do. Dominanting is because He wants it.

Two majorly different things. It made me think.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 35

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 2:08:34 PM

bliss1

Posts: 497
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline

Someone who is controlling tries to CONTROL everything

For me a Dom/Master is in control - in my mind that is a big difference. Someone who is in control of things is much different in personality than someone who is controlling (who were you with, where were you, what did they say, did they say anything about me, ect.)

bliss

_____________________________

Witch before, during, and after my coffee.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 36

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/3/2007 3:57:41 PM

CRYPTICLXVI

Posts: 3907
Status: offline

Personally, it is an issue of definitions for those involved...controlling as defined within a negative connotation, I would agree is based out of fear or insecurity, closer aligned to 'bullying'. I do not need to control everything around Me at work, it is just work...not a calling. I do not need to control My child, but rather guide, instruct and allow him to become who he is. I need to control Myself. That has been a long, at times painful process and experience. By holding onto the belief that I can control another, I gain a sense of suffering, all self-created and realized...My attempts to control, have resulted in negative experiences for Myself as well as the sub and has shown a lack of self-control and ambiguity which is not desired.

Still, for Me to be defined as Dominant or Master within a relationship, I need to be the One with authority, not only is that an aspect of Self but to be honest, it has to be agreed to have been given to Me. It is difficult and fruitless to try to maintain authority, if that is given and taken away...there is no consistency there either.

(in reply to bliss1)

Post #: 37

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/13/2007 12:29:43 AM

daniL

Posts: 46
Joined: 4/12/2007
Status: offline

I think the difference between being a controlling prick and a Dom is 1) if the other person in the relationship appreciates/accepts/relishes the control, and 2) how the controlling individual deals with an honest problem in the control dynamic. If something doesn't work out with a prick and the other person says 'no, i don't want to do this relationship/activity/etc anymore' the prick is going to be a jerk about the situation, usually. A Dom will either work through the problem, or respect the other individual's personal choice/need to walk away.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 38

RE: Controling or Dom - 4/13/2007 2:23:44 AM

Hrafnkel

Posts: 21
Joined: 4/9/2007
Status: offline

Actually, I consider this one of my biggest challenges as a dominant. I mean let's face it, I don't chain my girl in bed every night because I'm by nature a live and let live person. I grab things and hold onto them with a death grip, I assert my will, I stomp, I fuss, I be all domly, not because I'm an extraordinarily well adjusted ior enlightened individual. Trust does not appear in my normal vocabulary. I have plenty of baggage, both from before and after I got into D/s. So, basically I admit that my dominance, in part comes from a basic insecure urge to grab what I want, mark my territory like a wolf, scare everyone else off, and keep what's mine. I consider my own process of learning to be a better dominant sort of a matter of keeping the positive, protective, healthy urges, and turning the negative ones into something more healthy and noble.

But that's the ideal. And I'm human and I often fall short. .And I try, gods know I try, never to act from a small space when I'm giving my girl instructions. But I also realise something else. In a relationship you cant wish those urges away. And there have been times I've stubbornly refused to give out protocols based on my ego and insecurity, only to turn around and take it out on my girl when she doesn't coddle and stroke those preferences.

So what happens? She is denied the security of clear expectations from me. She is punished for nothing at all. I am often upset for what happened and then guilty for behaving that way. Then she gets guilty for dissapointing me. And it turns into a huge mess.

How am I as a dominant in the slow and often painful for both of us process of fixing it. By being first honest with myself. I want to be more mature than I often am. I want to be higher minded and to give the trust she deserves. Then I admt to her that to me part of my trusting her is admitting to her what I need and want from her.

So while I agree controlling is bad... life is often a matter of problem solving.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 39

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