Are you guilty of "settling"? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

AAkasha -> Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/3/2007 11:53:12 AM)

I wonder if many male subs are guilty of "settling" with a potential femdom partner or going through the courting process with her, even though she has qualities that he does not like.  Moreso than one would EVER do with a vanilla partner.  Do you find yourself ignoring traits that generally were a turn off, because you feel the femdoms are so rare, maybe you can "deal with it" or get used to it, or maybe she will change?

Are you guilty in the past of "settling" because femdoms are rare, feeling like you finally met one and if she likes you, you should try to make it work rather than find someone more compatible?   Do you have an advice for those who are in the same situation?

Akasha



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/3/2007 12:23:02 PM)

My partner did not settle in the terms of ignoring things that he didn't like- but he does get into a pattern of complacency and just dealing with stuff and hiding it under rather than making a change.

I settled a lot in the past, for various reasons.  But I don't anymore.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/3/2007 12:26:23 PM)

i am not a male sub but i do live on a very tiny island and so i do tend to be much more forgiving of incompatibility's when i meet some one that could potentially y be a play partner.

things i have overlooked over the years

experience
understanding
immaturity
desire
spirituality
smoking


it never works out though....so i dont do it any more...the caveat being experience, if they have the desire and just need some eduacation...well thats no big deal.

advice for some one who finds themselves so desperate to play that they over look things would be...go a head and play if play styles are compatable...but i would not give that advice to life partnership pairing....to them i would say hold out....if you build it they will come.



onestandingstill -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/3/2007 12:29:55 PM)

As a female sub who isn't Bi I don't play with Dommes.
Would I settle for a Dom who had qualities I don't like just not to be lonely or to have a play partner.
NO WAY!!
I have settled for mates in my life before that were even up to 90% of what I needed to be happy in the relationship.
I found the 10% I thought I could get beyoned and just accept were really not things I could tolerate long term even though I tried with my everything to get past the issues.
If I'm not thinking it's right I'm not willing to dive in any longer.
It's not fair to me or to the other person & often seemed to be a toxic issue in the end.
suzanne



Devilslilsister -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/3/2007 6:22:48 PM)

Now i'm not a male sub, so your question doesnt really apply, but from the other side.....

i thought about settling in the past.  Settling for me is not about finding some one with the same likes, dislikes, interests, D/s ideas..... but for me, its about some one that interests me.  i've come close to settling for some one that only slightly interests me....

In the long run it wont work out, imo - as there will be some one that comes along that (for me - interests me) matches up with what you want. 



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/3/2007 6:29:45 PM)

Ive had male subs who have settled for what I enjoy even though it wasnt what they liked simply becasue they thought they could make it work. 
I hav never settled for a sub, but I have settled vanilla.  I wont again, thought, I learend my lesson.
I also know if someone ever mentions they will do as I ask even though its not what they like.. thats my cue to say "thanks but no thanks.. ." since most of the time, it wont work out.

DV



justinedoll -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/3/2007 7:03:19 PM)

I think we can feel if we like to be with one person or meet sometimes ar have exciting session. Everything can be when bouth of us like the same. For some of us BDSM relationship is somthing can be between slave and Mistress. And for others, bdsm is because they have close and nice relationship. And subs... hm maby sometimes look for somthing not real, for woman who one day is loving wife who like to dominate in bed, and another day for strict and clod mistress? We are humans , not angels we must take a choice, we cant have everything. As i am sub i must decide if ill follow woman who like bdsm sex, or woman, who will treat me as a slave. And maby I ll never got what i need in sex because it will be her decision.
For felling better i must say u to go to any disco club or talk with friends about bdsm. A lot of girls will like to try domination, and some of them maby will love it.



Misstoyou -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/3/2007 8:29:11 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I wonder if many male subs are guilty of "settling" with a potential femdom partner...




I know that I can tell when I'm not going to be what the submissive wants/needs (whatever) and knowing full well that I'm not going to be the one to "adjust", lol, I often tell applicants not to settle (that exact word) and to keep on searching.

I also know that nine times out of ten they argue with me, so I'm guessing the overall percentage is high. But that 10th one is always appreciative. [:)]



Slavetrainer2007 -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/3/2007 8:30:14 PM)

As a dom, i have settled once with a  vanilla( who liked some of the interest as a kink), big mistake. I was quite miserable.  Sub wise, i have certain criteria that is important to me, certain areas of interest. Its important that the sub has the same areas of interest. I have other interest that arent so important to me. I would like a sub to be interested in these as well and most subs would be interested in some. But its not important that all the interest  are enjoyed by the sub.  And lastly are the interest i dont like at all and want nothing to do with. If these interest are important to the sub, i typically wont consider her as it will cause problems later more than likely. In this post "Interest" are both BDSM and  Vanilla as both are important to me.

Personality wise, im alot more strict and mostly unforgiving. Their personality has to suit me or their is no chance( been down that road before, even if they are a perfect match interest wise.




Dnomyar -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/4/2007 4:58:30 AM)

The people who will not settle or compromise are in the minority here. All the velcro collars out there will attest to that.



puella -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/4/2007 5:24:48 AM)

As the person who has usually been settled upon, I would only greatly caution Dom/mes against this.  In relationships with the potential for such potency of emotion and feeling, chances are you are not doing anyone a favor, most especially the submissive whom you settle for.   There are few things as damaging as never being able to measure up, no matter how hard you try or what you do.  If there is no chance at really and fully pleasing the one who owns you, you are set up for failure from the beginning, and the submissive will most likely get hurt, and the Dom/me resentful of what they gave up, somewhere down the line.

It just really has very little chance of an all in all good outcome if you are feeling like you are giving up something important to you in choosing this person. 




LadyPact -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/5/2007 6:22:25 PM)

I'm not a member of the targeted group (male subs), but can speak from the other side of the equation.


quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

As the person who has usually been settled upon, I would only greatly caution Dom/mes against this.  In relationships with the potential for such potency of emotion and feeling, chances are you are not doing anyone a favor, most especially the submissive whom you settle for.   There are few things as damaging as never being able to measure up, no matter how hard you try or what you do.  If there is no chance at really and fully pleasing the one who owns you, you are set up for failure from the beginning, and the submissive will most likely get hurt, and the Dom/me resentful of what they gave up, somewhere down the line.

It just really has very little chance of an all in all good outcome if you are feeling like you are giving up something important to you in choosing this person. 




This is where I am a bit different than some of the previous answers.  I am in the minority  of NOT looking for someone who will be My signifigant other for the end of My days.  I already have that in My husband.  My boys are, for lack of a better term, extra.  There is no possibility of his being replaced by another.  This is always made very plain up front.
 
Now, do I think it's possible for someone to fit Me/Us so well that I would collar him in ownership, and he would stay with Me/Us for the rest of My days?......  Sure.  Do I find it likely?.... Probably not.  Because of this, I am willing to make certain consessions.  In what  is not a 24/7 situation, 90% can work out pretty well, depending on what that last 10% really boils down to.
 
All that being said, of course some things are not acceptable.  Each topic, as each submissive is a case by case basis.



nookie -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/5/2007 9:41:49 PM)

I am not a male submissive, however I found this somewhere and someone here (I can't remember who) uses part of it as their signature. I feel it applies.
Word to Live By
 
If a someone wants you, nothing can keep them away. If they don't want you, nothing can make them stay. Stop making excuses for a them and their behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a someone before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because they were not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like they are stringing you along, then they probably are. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Always have your own set of friends separate from theirs. If their friends are assholes, chances are they are too. Maintain boundaries in how they treat you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a them know everything, they will use it against you later. You cannot change someone's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make them feel more important than you are... even if they have more education or a better job or whatever else. Do not make them into a quasi-god. They are human, nothing more nothing less. Never let someone else define who you are. Never borrow someone else's someone. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man/woman will only treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you. All men are NOT dogs and all women are NOT scandalous. You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun... even if she doesn't turn out to be Ms. Right. Make them miss you sometimes... when they always know where you are, and you're always readily available to them - they takes it for granted. Never move into their mother's house. Never co-sign. Don't fully commit to a someone who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep them in your radar but get to know others. Don't make someone a priority when you are just an option. Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without!




stella40 -> RE: Are you guilty of "settling"? (4/5/2007 11:25:59 PM)

I'm a TG submissive with a Domme and no,I haven't settled. In fact I've done the opposite and held out for a really compatible Domme.

I did my settling years ago when I was first learning to be a submissive in my 20's and gathering experience and learning how to be a proper submissive. I would accept any Domme who fulfilled a specific set of criteria. But later on as you become more experienced it gets harder to find the right Domme and there is the risk of compromising and settling, which I feel should be avoided.

Submissives have it much easier, because it is really down to what you are prepared to accept and what you are not prepared to accept in a relationship, and it is down to how flexible you are and how you feel about a particular Domme.

Almost all Dommes don't have this option. Many are 'core' Dominants, in that they are hardwired naturally to assume control and have a basic need to dominate as a form of personal self-expression and something they really need to do for their own emotional wellbeing. But there are also many Dommes who have 'acquired' such traits through their own life experiences, through child abuse, abusive relationships and they need to dominate and have control to feel secure and happy in a relationship. This second group of Dommes includes women who have experienced domestic violence, and they have a lot of negative emotions, guilt, anger, bitterness and frustration which would be expressed through being violent and angry, and they come into BDSM to find more positive, controlled ways of channelling their negative emotions which leads to something more positive and ultimately to their own personal fulfilment and happiness.

They can be dominant for a variety of reasons, they may enjoy having power, they may need to have control and dominate every aspect of their submissive's life, or they may prefer to have someone dependent on them rather than be dependent themselves.

I would rather suggest that it isn't so much submissives who settle for a Domme because they are so rare, but rather the other way round. Many male Doms can find fulfilment with a submissive with whom they are sexually compatible, but this isn't true usually for Dommes, who are often dominant for more emotional or psychological reasons. Many submissives tend to fall into an established range and pattern of submission, which may be play-based, sexual, or service orientated, and this over time may not be as fulfilling for the Domme who genuinely needs much more progression and both emotional and psychological stimulation in the relationship. If you read through the profiles of Dommes who advertise here on Collarme you will find evidence on many profiles that they are seeking a submissive who will 'progress' with them through a long term relationship and be able to provide that emotional and psychological stimulation. This is especially true for those Dommes seeking male submissives.

What many people tend to forget is that Dommes do have a hard time finding the right submissive for them. Almost every Domme has at some point been lied to, cheated, deceived, and this makes them more wary. Many Dommes find submissives fulfilling in certain aspects but not in others. It's also the case for many Dommes in that they meet their submissive for play or whatever,and then the submissive leaves, and the Domme is left to clear away the toys and equipment, clean up, and she goes to bed alone, without someone beside her. Many Dommes spend years meeting submissives only to be frustrated and unable to find what they genuinely need, and few people realise that many Dommes have to go through broken relationships and loneliness before they meet the right submissive. Some don't make it through this spell of frustrating relationships and loneliness and settle for a submissive, or even two or more, who satisfy different needs. This is the reality for more than a few Dommes.

It can be said that Dominant Females are in short supply, but I feel if I were to assert that really exceptional male submissives are also a rarity many Dommes reading this would be nodding their head in agreement.

Dominants, whether male or female are usually hardwired to express the dominant side of their nature in certain ways and these are very basic emotional needs which leads to fulfilment and provides emotional wellbeing. And if you are a submissive looking for a permanent relationship with a Dominant you have to take all these needs into consideration before committing yourself to a relationship with that Dominant. Being able to fulfil only half the needs or some of the needs is not enough, you are not serving the Dominant as you should and you do really need to sit down and do your homework and study all the needs of your Dominant before committing yourself or offering your submission. Otherwise the relationship will not work. Your needs as a submissive must dovetail those needs of your Dominant neatly for the relationship to be long term or permanent.

I write this realising that many submissives are also hardwired to submit in certain ways and submission is an equally valid need for someone's emotional fulfilment, and there's nothing worse than being submissive without having someone to submit to, unless it's a Dominant who doesn't have the right submissive.

But settling should be avoided at all costs, because you do the Dominant no favours, and you also do yourself no favours in the long run.



Page: [1]

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875