Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships

Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (Full Version)

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TigressFL -> Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (4/4/2007 8:26:46 AM)
I attended a munch this past weekend and met a sub/sub couple that have been married for 18+ years. I sat down and chatted with the female submissive of the couple and asked her "How does being in a relationship with another submissive work?" she told me that for the most part it works very well because they both want to please their partner. She then stated that the hard part comes when a decision needs to be made as neither one of them want to make the decision. In the end, she always ends up making the decision because in their relationship her submissive husband simply will not make the decision so it is left to her to deal with. Individually they are both looking for a dominant to have a relationship with. They certainly have no desire to separate they simply want to have their relationship and a dominant for each of them. I think that is a tricky but possible situation. This situation prompted me to think about Dom/Dom relationships and my immediate internal reaction was, "someone has to be submissive to the other partner for this dynamic to work". In other words, they both cannot get their way all the time and there has to be one partner that must "give in" to their other partner more often. These are simply initial thoughts. Are you or do you know anyone that is in a Dom/Dom or sub/sub relationship? How does their daily living work for them? What sacrifices do they have to make? Are they happy? Is their "dominance" or "submission" ONLY in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom, they are "equal partners" or what? Tigress~FL

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (4/4/2007 8:29:24 AM)
My former owners were two doms married together. It's basically like asking how do vanilla relationships work together- two people in a committed relationship, NOT based on a transfer of authority. How do they do it? A dom/dom situation or sub/sub situation or switch/switch is essentially vanilla, even though their personal orientations are not and they may form OTHER relationships which are not vanilla.

toservez -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (4/4/2007 8:36:59 AM)
I have seen many successful Dom/Domme and sub/sub couples. My first owner’s have been married for thirty-six years and have been Master and Mistress for most of those years. Generally the way they worked the relationship was to divide the decision making into areas that meant the most to the person in particular. The fact is most things in life and in a relationship on a day to day basis have little to do with power exchange and have everything to do with chemistry, common values and goals and just generally enjoying each others company.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (4/4/2007 8:56:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross It's basically like asking how do vanilla relationships work together- two people in a committed relationship, NOT based on a transfer of authority. How do they do it? What she said. Master Fire

yenlui -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (4/4/2007 9:20:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross It's basically like asking how do vanilla relationships work together- two people in a committed relationship, NOT based on a transfer of authority. How do they do it? I agree to this. The Dom/Dom-couple I know has a good working relationship. They're looking for one or two submissive(s) to submit to both of them, but I belive they are happy as they are now too.

TigressFL -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (4/4/2007 9:57:11 AM)
Thanks for the information everyone! Tigress

onestandingstill -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (4/4/2007 10:49:37 AM)
I know two people who are Dom/Domme that had a good relationship for 6 years. It seemed in that relationship he submitted to her more in the end, but in the beginning they'd both take turn bottoming to the other occasionally. They also had an open relationship where they were intercourse monogamous, but did play with others. Unfortunately he met a sub and I'm not sharing the details as it's not my place but in the end they split and he's now with the sub. They have remained friends & the split was civil. Both said the fact they were both Doms had a lot to do with it over the long term deal for them. suzanne

MamaJiggles -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (12/11/2007 4:51:59 PM)
Well this is my first time I am dating a Dom and I dont know what to expert......[:@]

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (12/11/2007 7:34:47 PM)
I always seek out other doms for personal relationships. As long as we both understand that it is not about power exchange, or power struggle, but about the RELATIONSHIP, it works well. Helps to be poly. :)

crouchingtigress -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (12/11/2007 7:52:45 PM)
i would ecco onestandingstills experiance ...a long time marriage who are dear friends are sub sub. they love each other dearly and supported eachother in all things lifestyle the both dove in with both feet secuere in thier relationship' the leather family that they were a part of supported them as well they both present at events, they both communicate exceptionally well, they both were committed to the marriage and to the ums they did everything right but the wife and her dominant fell deeeply in love as sometimes happens and he is so hurt, going through a divorce he never saw coming and really pretty disillusioned. we talk alot, and one thing he says is that had he to do all over agin he would have never underestimated the power of playing at this level with others. the dynamics are pretty intense in bdsm somewhat like a fire:a little cooks your marshmellow, a shift in the wind destroys a forrest. i am very sad for my freinds. they had one of the most beauitful marriages i could ever imagine, and thier love and support nourished and inspired me as they took me under thier wings....i dont think i would be who i am in the lifestyle with out them....its been hard on all of us

MzMia -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (12/11/2007 8:03:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress i would ecco onestandingstills experiance ...a long time marriage who are dear friends are sub sub. they love each other dearly and supported eachother in all things lifestyle the both dove in with both feet secuere in thier relationship' the leather family that they were a part of supported them as well they both present at events, they both communicate exceptionally well, they both were committed to the marriage and to the ums they did everything right but the wife and her dominant fell deeeply in love as sometimes happens and he is so hurt, going through a divorce he never saw coming and really pretty disillusioned. we talk alot, and one thing he says is that had he to do all over agin he would have never underestimated the power of playing at this level with others. the dynamics are pretty intense in bdsm somewhat like a fire:a little cooks your marshmellow, a shift in the wind destroys a forrest. i am very sad for my freinds. they had one of the most beauitful marriages i could ever imagine, and thier love and support nourished and inspired me as they took me under thier wings....i dont think i would be who i am in the lifestyle with out them....its been hard on all of us Great topic Tigress, nice to see you posting. I am going to follow this topic and certainly read the answers. I have enjoyed friendships with Male Dominants and conversations, but I can't fathom a long term relationship. CrouchingT touched on an important aspect of this: sharing. I am not poly, I don't have poly relationships and I don't share well. I can imagine many situations that would break us up or come between us. I prefer a serious relationship to be one-on-one. Someone has to be the Dominant and someone has to be the submissive, I don't want to spend my life looking for an outside submissive to complete us.

DominaSmartass -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (12/11/2007 8:05:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TigressFL This situation prompted me to think about Dom/Dom relationships and my immediate internal reaction was, "someone has to be submissive to the other partner for this dynamic to work". In other words, they both cannot get their way all the time and there has to be one partner that must "give in" to their other partner more often. These are simply initial thoughts. I'd challenge you to find any couple regardless of D/s dynamic where one person gets his or her way all the time - even if it is Dom/sub. To make things even more complicated, I'm in a for-all-practical-purposes "vanilla" relationship with a highly submissive (self identified as slave) partner. Just goes to show that labels can be deceiving I suppose.

LadyPact -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (12/11/2007 11:18:57 PM)
It might be the late hour, but the question "How does it work?' has quite the explanation to it. In My case, it's complicated and simple all at the same time. Before anything else, there's the human/human relationship aspect. We're people first and foremost. We didn't fall in love under the guise of BDSM. When it's boiled down, that's just a part of who a person is. They have a lot more to them than just that. In Our case, We actually met and married vanilla. At the time, We hadn't discussed the past BDSM aspects of Our lives. In fact, when the subject did finally come to the table...... Well...... Let's just say that a lot of people have told Me that they would have loved to be a fly on the wall that night. Anyway, in a sense, I've kind of brought him into the lifestyle. He identifies as Dom, but that hasn't changed the relationship that We started with. I've bottomed for him to learn a thing or two (still learning) and he's bottomed for Me just for the fun of it. That's the bedroom part. In the everyday life, We're equals. Sure, We each take different tasks according to abilities, but it's not because one is mandated by the other. If it came down to brass tacks, this is a Mistress run household, but it isn't necessarily viewed that way. Seeing just the two of Us, no one would ever guess. Now, a quick clarification thought. We do happen to be poly and I do have a submissive. Yes, My boy does take up that space for Me and, hopefully, someday My husband will find that submissive who fills that place for him. It doesn't matter as much to Us as Our history of falling in love with each other.

TheShadows -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (12/11/2007 11:56:02 PM)
My easy answer would be to second LA's answer, but I'm feeling verbose tonight, so...here goes. My husband and I are a Dom/Dom Couple. We've been married for 6 years, and have no UMs, and intend on keeping it this way. We're both Dominant inside AND outside the bedroom. Our daily living is very vanilla, to be perfectly honest. We enjoy each other's company immensely. We both do what needs doing, regardless of the typical gender/role stereotypes. We make all the same sacrifices and concessions and compromises that all other couples do. There is no day to day power struggle, either. We're goal and action oriented people, and not too proud to do what needs doing to reach those goals. We are absolutely happy together. As far as our sex life is concerned, it's about as vanilla as two kinky people can get, and we're perfectly satisfied with that. As to servez said, it has little to do with power exchange between the two of us. We know our roles and what each of our responsibilities are within that. I disagree with the all or nothing statement of "Someone HAS to be the sub, and someone HAS to be the Dom." That's just not true. Just as some don't feel submissive to some people, and some don't feel Dominant to some people. Each and every interpersonal interaction doesn't have to boil down to "who's the Dom and who's the sub?". We don't have to have a slave to complete us or our relationship. We're complete just how we are, without a slave. But, there's nothing wrong us with adding to our happiness. We could get outta the lifestyle tomorrow and still be as happy and successful as we are now, but why? When we could add to our own happiness and share that power with a potential slave at the same time. There's enough love and power to go around. Anyways...That's just how we roll. Hope this gives some insight. As always, YMMV... ~TheShadows~

Dnomyar -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (12/12/2007 4:24:28 AM)
I also know of couples who got into the lifestyle and broke up because one of the partners fell in love with their Doms/Dommes. Im going to stick my neck out and blame the Doms/Dommes for letting that happen. If your a Dom/Domme you need to accept the responsibility of keeping control of the situation.

Elorin -> RE: Dom/Dom or Sub/Sub Relationships (12/12/2007 5:24:49 AM)
I am primarily in a Dom/Domme relationship. I have submitted to my partner in the past, and a lot of times it is easier to let him make final decisions, just because of that. However, when something matters to me, I very simply state my case. If we don't agree on it, then we talk about it, see if we can compromise. Mutual input is necessary and we don't make a choice until we have both agreed upon the solution. We are not equal partners simply because my partner owns his home and I just moved in with him, therefore there are certain things in which his word comes first, just because it's HIS house, etc. But we are both equally important, and we live day to day pretty much like anyone else. He takes out the trash, I try to cook, we do other chores together.

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