Do you want your subs to want you?

Do you want your subs to want you? (Full Version)

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MissEnchantress -> Do you want your subs to want you? (4/5/2007 8:55:03 PM)
In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you? Do you care what he thinks or feels? I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night. His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not. You're the Domme. If you want me over then order me to come over. If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care. This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively. Thoughts?

Lashra -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/5/2007 9:01:40 PM)
Of course I want him to want me. I also want to know his thoughts, opinions and feelings. Besides my unmentionable he is the most important person in the world to me, why wouldn't I want to know these things? But I know where you are coming from, my sub is new and he sometimes says to me, Your the Domme just tell me what to do and I reply If I wanted you to do something you can damn sure believe I'd tell you what to do. For now I want to hear what you THINK and thats an order. ~Lashra

ClandestinedOne -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/5/2007 9:01:51 PM)
I loooove it when a Mistress asks me something, and I give them my honest opinion. It's not only an honor, I think, but a sign of caring, which is important in any type of relationship. I know when I want a Mistress that I'll do so much more for her, embarass myself, put myself through torture and pain for her.

SlaveBlutarsky -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/5/2007 9:15:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you? Do you care what he thinks or feels? Well, from a loving D/s perspective I think that absolutely there should be a deisre for the sub to be with their Domme, it's not submissive to wonder if someone cares about you. To me, as submissive as I am, I want to know that my Domme has normal thoughts and feelings. That she can open up and be vulnerable to me. even though she is the Dominant one in the relationship, she shouldn't feel that she cannot be human. I think a lot of subs kind of expect that. Along with that comes the wanting. Whatever relationship I am in, I am going to want. i am going to be greedy and aggressive. Sometimes it will get me in trouble, but i want my Domme to feel wanted, not because she is a Domme, but because she is a woman, and the woman I choose to spend time with.

joyinslavery -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/5/2007 9:17:12 PM)
No.

arayofsunshine55 -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/5/2007 10:21:43 PM)
You said in a "loving d/s relationship". Well then I would expect love and i'd expect it to be a two-way street. Without that we might have some relatationship but I would not characterize it as "loving". The other thing is I seem a partner with a mind of his won that he diesries to use and share with me. So if I ask if he wants something I want to know what he wants, I have zero interest in a stock/canned response. That response of his would have put me off at the least and given me cause to think about whether we were truly on the same page.

domsheena -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 5:57:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you? Do you care what he thinks or feels? I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night. His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not. You're the Domme. If you want me over then order me to come over. If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care. This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively. Thoughts? Ok I think this is going to be a long one for me. As i am new to the whole BDSM scene i definitely know i am a Mistress. I haven´t played yet but i do have a couple of subs. I have read into a lot but I don´t think anything can prepare you for your first play. I am nervous. I know as a Mistress i am rare but like Miss Enchantress i like to know how he sub is feeling, what he is looking for, his interests etc and when he answers that his only joy is to please me well how do i know what he likes or dislikes? I also find online play very difficult and sometimes boring. I don´t get much enjoyment out of it. I often get online subs who only want to amuse themselves and not really care about what i want. I don´t want to go on about this but if anyone is interested in having a good chat with me about all this then please do. I´d love any advice. Mistress Sheena [:D]

Rumtiger -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 5:59:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night. His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not. You're the Domme. If you want me over then order me to come over. huh...sounds like someone making the rest of us sound bad.

Unrepentant1 -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 6:01:35 AM)
I would have thought it was the subs wanting of you and love of you that would give you so much control!

Lashra -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 7:16:16 AM)
Was he a novice? Because if he was that would explain alot. My sub is new to the sub end of the whip and a lot of what he "learned" about subs/slaves over the years well.....they are just wrong in my opinion. He was a Master so I guess he had his own expectations but mine are different than his. He is learning is just takes gentle reminders and my explaining that just because some Master told you this was the way its done don't make it so. Listen to your Mistress she knows best[;)] ~Lashra

thetammyjo -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 8:15:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you? Do you care what he thinks or feels? I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night. His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not. You're the Domme. If you want me over then order me to come over. If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care. This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively. Thoughts? If it is a loving relationship, the love should flow both ways I think. However, being asked can feel awkward for some submissives especially when they start off. You my want to talk about the fantasies someone has had -- I'm betting a lot of subs have fantasies of the stereotype of cool, calm, in command dom who just orders and it happens. To experience something different can be jarring. I start off slow, more commanding and specific at the beginning of training explaining the reasons for my commands. Over time I hope the sub learns how to serve without commands and then later, only later, do I move on to giving choices, limited choices. I find that open ended choices still cause disconcertment for Fox after seven years. So I've learned to word things in a way that puts the choice back onto me in some fashion. For example, this evening the hubby will be out for a few hours so I asked Fox last night during a commerical for CSI "What should we do tomorrow night?" and he replied "Try to take over the world." I messed up and he replied with a joke that told me he hadn't been thinking that far ahead and was not going to take on the responsibility that is really mine. Now I could have said "You plan something that will please me" and that would fly well -- the focus is on his service but the goal is my pleasure; that he can handle. It's easy to fall into those vanilla patterns, think about those are the patterns we lived from childhood. But part of the responsibility I took with ownership of Fox was to ask things in a way that reinforces his submission to me but also respects our individual personhood and my need to not have to make all the decisions all the time.

Samwhiplash -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 10:39:44 AM)
I absolutely care. I want them to want to do the things that I expect them to do etc - mostly ;-)

LadyPact -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 12:10:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you? Do you care what he thinks or feels? I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night. His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not. You're the Domme. If you want me over then order me to come over. If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care. This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively. Thoughts? Yes, I do want My sub to want Me. As was already said, it lends to My power. I've started (ok, more than started) talking to a switch who I've been sceneing with. Taking a cue from some of the topics that have been posted on the boards recently, I told him I was curious to know of his needs and wants on the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level. He was a bit thrown by the question, as no Mistress had asked him that before. There are times I will ask a sub of their preference. When I do, he should be grateful that I am considering his thoughts in the matter. Yes, I can just tell him what I want and he is expected to do so when I say, so if I am bothering to ask a preference, it should be considered an honor or a priviledge. I tend to do so more often than not, as I like My boys to be happy in serving. It doesn't mean they are in charge. It just means that I enjoy being good to them.

MisPandora -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 1:22:21 PM)
Yes, yes and yes. I want him to be wholly connected to me. Submission out of doing it as an action to any random dominant woman doesn't serve my needs. Submitting 'to me' because of who I am as a woman, because of who I am in my skin -- that is profound and what I desire in a mate and subject. The whole "mistress doesn't care what I want" plays nicely in a fantasy, but in terms of a relationship or commitment, the slave being invested in the exchange is important. Part of that is by contributing feedback, whether solicited, or whether through the act of "transparency" where he's compelled to share with me things that are on his mind. The control comes into play when I make a conscious decision with the information that is before me -- I make the choices -- and not all of them will be in parallel to what the slave might desire or not desire.

SusanofO -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 1:27:14 PM)
Well yes! I'd certainly want that. I should caveat that by saying that I am not into the "quickie", semi-anonymous type of scene (although to each their own, as far as that goes). I state this because I have not had a Domme-sub relationship yet, (I am a newbie Mistress), so any scene I do is going to be my first, and may, or may not, develop into a long-term "loving relationship" (I am reading up a lot, and have ordered some "toys", and am practicing w/them at home, though. So I am trying to "get ready" for whatever may come in the future). But, even if I only scened with someone once, for example, I'd still need to feel I have to know them pretty well first, and feel some emotional attachment to them, in order for it to be fulfilling for me. That includes me "wanting" them, and vice-versa. - Susan

TigressFL -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 2:14:42 PM)
The need to have the desire to please me no matter the task. It could certainly be "something they do not want to do" as long as their desire to please me overrides all and allows them to complete the task as I have asked them, all is just as it should be. If they want fair they should get a girlfriend. Tigress~FL

SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 2:36:21 PM)
I think it's important and it is something I do. Previously I've gotte the same response as others here in regards to " You're the Domme, tell me what you want and I'll do it". Personally I feel it's my responsibility as a Dominant to make the best decision I can in regard to both our lives individually as well as for our life together. That means getting as much input as possible and weighing the choices carefully. So while I may ask for their opinion, thoughts and feelings on a specific issue; The final decision still rests in my hands.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/6/2007 2:39:08 PM)
I expect my boy to have opinions of his own. It is important to me that we BOTH enjoy something. Right now, he knows very wel that as much as I want him here, he has priorities that come first. What I want is for him to need me. And he does, but we are at a point where we can survive not being physically together. Good thing, since if it werent for his ability to say no to me, even if he does want to spend time, his school work would suffer badly. DV

iwearpanties -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/7/2007 4:21:44 AM)
hello Mistress' es this sub wish he had a speical lady like you all close to me ..ive long wanted too be under a Mistress contorl but havent been so lucky too meet or find one and im not useing this as ad whats so ever i do enjoy learning and read your thoguths on the many subjects brought up here at web site ..thank you for beign there for this subby

cloudboy -> RE: Do you want your subs to want you? (4/7/2007 6:01:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rumtiger huh...sounds like someone making the rest of us sound bad. That was my take as well. The first thing a malesub learns is that THE MISTRESS is human. The next thing is that submission is not a robotic involvement, and that obediences does not mean a surrender or a supression of one's spirit. Without his spirit, a malesub is a boring, uninspiring person.

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