Why do we care what others think? (Full Version)

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spanklette -> Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 9:23:51 PM)

I suppose, I got lost in my own train of thought about confidence and why we care what others think acceptable in our own relationships...but then I broadened the spectrum.
 
1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?
 
2) Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?
 
In other words, what are your personal consequences if people don't approve?
 
I ask because...my first answer was "I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about what I do and how I live!"
 
But, that's not entirely true. I come to the boards to be embraced by those who understand, so it would seem to me that I seek approval on some level. The other part of that is that I would never do anything to intentionally embarrass my Daddy. I mean, there aren't any real consequences if people in the lifestyle don't approve. But, I still seek it in one form or another.
 
And, outside of the community only a select few know...and I do seek their approval, as well. Maybe "approval" isn't the right word, but maybe understanding. I want them to understand that this is something that I choose and it is not abusive. Being single and without children, the consequences aren't as dire for me as they are for others.
 
So, do you seek approval? And, what are the consequences if you are met with disapproval?
 

 



IrishMist -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 9:29:18 PM)

quote:

1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?

No
quote:

  2) Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?


No
quote:

  In other words, what are your personal consequences if people don't approve?

MY personal consequences? None. They either accept or they dont. I don't take responsibility for thier opinions of me or what I do.
quote:

  So, do you seek approval?

Once again, no. Understanding maybe, but not approval or acceptance anymore.
quote:

  And, what are the consequences if you are met with disapproval?


Again, I don't take personal responsibility for how others feel about me.



spanklette -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 9:33:11 PM)

I'm not sure I take personal responsibility for how others view me, either...but then again, it's just been something that's crossed my mind. I can't change people's minds once they're made up, so my responsibility is limited.
 
I envy your ability to be able to let the negative stuff roll off, I tend to take it in and let it marinate until I get it all figured out.



hisannabelle -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 9:35:47 PM)

greetings,

i think this is a good topic.

do i care what other people think? yes. do i care to the point that it would make me change integral parts of my relationship for other people? no.

there are posters here, and people in real life, who have my respect, and whose opinions and approval matter to me. but i don't take that as gospel truth...ultimately, my relationship has to work for me, not for them. so...i try things other people suggest, i try to conduct myself in a way that is also worthy of respect. ultimately, any changes that come about in myself and in my relationship as a result of that will be because it worked for me, not necessarily because awesome poster x suggested it. (but that still reinforces my belief in awesome poster x's awesomeness.)

as far as my family and friends, i'm discreet but honest. if people ask, i'll answer questions. if they don't like it, they learn to live with it. my age gap relationship freaked out a lot of people i work with at first, but then they're just like, "oh, that's annabelle," and they get over it and move on. my family thinks i'm weird because i don't fit the alpha female ideal the way most of the women in our family do, but they're used to me being weird. i don't give everyone (well, except maybe my sister and best friends) the gory details...because there's no reason to make that an issue. but at the same time, if they decided to reject me on the basis of how i choose to have my personal relationships, then i'd be really sad, but ultimately, i'd stand by my choices. i believe that if someone's love for me changes on the basis of my choices, then perhaps that's not the kind of person i need in my life anyway. i do care what they think, but i also know that this is the life that i want, and this is the life that i am happy in, and they are not the ones who have to live it.

that said, i'm also financially independent, have no children, and don't plan on having any, so i don't have the pressure of living with family or dealing with possible dept of children & families nightmares.

edited to add: i think part of the reason i'm able to laugh at some of the more narrowminded things people say, or to let negativity roll off my back, is because i'm used to dealing with havoc over religious differences (from my previous relationship) and it got to the point where if i didn't laugh at it and let it go, i'd go crazy.

annabelle.



IrishMist -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 9:36:08 PM)

LOL no offense, but...you are young yet...give it some time and eventually you will realize that you can not force anyone to understand, accept or even acknowledge.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 9:38:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?
 
2) Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?
 

answer to question #1 - whatever you do in your D/s relationship is your business and whatever i do with Daddy is mine. you can disagree and/or say having a ldr is wrong all you want however our relationship works perfectly for two of us who have interests outside the BDSM community.  i understand our way isn't for everyone here nor should you expect your way is for me.

answer to question #2 - i can imagine what my deeply rooted Christian believing family would say if they knew about Daddy and why i wear a metal collar around my neck. then again, i hardly discuss my private life with them and the only two people who know about Daddy are my 2 UMs.  the fewer people know about this, the better things will be without my family knowing.



litleone8620 -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 9:39:01 PM)

quote:


 
1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?
quote:



More than i should, no doubt

quote:

2) Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?
quote:



Yes. If i didn't care, then i would tell anyone i knew what i'm interested in. Very few people know about me, and i only told them because i knew they wouldn't care. So no, i really don't care what those who know my interests think about me.
 
quote:

In other words, what are your personal consequences if people don't approve?
quote:



My personal consequences would be a lowering of self-worth. Meaning, if they don't approve then i would wonder if i should be doing it. I think i'm still at that age where i want to fit in, and that includes going against my nature to do so. I still have to learn to not care so much what other people think about me, and only care about myself, and those i love.


 

 





spanklette -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 9:39:16 PM)

Hey! I take no offense at being called young...that way when I'm old I can look back and smile a big toothless grin![:D]



spanklette -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 9:42:08 PM)

I think I'm in that same sort of place. I know I should be confident enough to just shrug, but....sometime's it's not that easy to not become defensive.



spanklette -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 9:45:01 PM)

I agree with you, as well, annabelle. There are people in my life that I respect, including some of the posters. None of these people would be able to make me alter my relationship dynamics one iota just for approval's sake. That's not to say that I haven't listened to some well thought out advice or learned a great deal from them.



arayofsunshine55 -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 10:12:56 PM)

I really don't care what other bdsmers think about what Daddy and I do.  It's none of their business and I do not seek their approval.  His and mine are the only ones which count.  I've been that way since I began to explore WIITWD.  I know myself, my needs, my mind and I'll run with that.  If it works for us it doesn't need to work for a single other soul.

As to the rest of the world I do live on a need to know basis.  And that is not just related to WIITWD, it is actually sort of a general way I live my life.  I don't want everyone in my private business.



stella40 -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 10:33:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: arayofsunshine55

I really don't care what other bdsmers think about what Daddy and I do.  It's none of their business and I do not seek their approval.  His and mine are the only ones which count.  I've been that way since I began to explore WIITWD.  I know myself, my needs, my mind and I'll run with that.  If it works for us it doesn't need to work for a single other soul.

As to the rest of the world I do live on a need to know basis.  And that is not just related to WIITWD, it is actually sort of a general way I live my life.  I don't want everyone in my private business.



I agree with this 100%, no, even 110%.

I'm transgendered, I lost so many years through being bothered what other people think.

Now I don't care.I know who I am. So does my Domme. So do other people in my life who bothered to go past the surface. I'm not here to please society, but to live my life for me and the other people in my life.

It's bad enough that I have to be open about very private and personal matters through being transgendered, but even though I'm open about my lifestyle interests it's my lifestyle and like my gender beyond any discussion.

I live in a small apartment block in London which is diverse, we got a lesbian couple, a gay couple, two married couples, a poly family with baby daddies and baby mummy, a psychopath, and an elderly lady. We all get on, we respect our own privacy and each other's lifestyle choices.

Life is too short to live to other people's standards. Opportunities to fulfil dreams, be happy and find love and experience kindness are in short supply. Don't wait for such opportunities to come back, they might not. Be yourself, be happy, be loved.



spanklette -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 10:40:47 PM)

Now see, you have a completely different perspective. One of my transgenderred friends once told me that she felt "forced" out of the closet. She accepted everything that came with the changes easily enough...but I suppose she would after being in the "wrong body" for so long<<her words in quotes.
 
I'm learning to let things slide. I'm trying to learn to not take things personally. I suppose, this is where my proffessional life begins to cross-over into my personal life. I am also pondering and overcoming these challenges at work, as well. Without the D/s tint, of course.
 
Well, with the ramble out of the way, I applaud your confidence and wish you the best with your Domme.



juliaoceania -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 10:59:13 PM)

quote:

1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?

 
I have had the circumstance of being attacked in private for having a "Daddy" on more than one occasion. At first it rather bothered me, and then I realized I did not give a damn.

quote:

2) Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?

 
It is no one's business but ours. I will say the consequences to both of us may only be mild embarassment, but nothing significant or life altering like losing a job or position.

quote:

The other part of that is that I would never do anything to intentionally embarrass my Daddy
.
 
I care about his opinion first and foremost. If I really embarassed him it would hurt me deeply. Although he does not really give a damn what people think of him. It does not affect his emotional state... and I have watched his reactions to this site, nothing here troubles him.

quote:

And, outside of the community only a select few know...and I do seek their approval, as well. Maybe "approval" isn't the right word, but maybe understanding. I want them to understand that this is something that I choose and it is not abusive. Being single and without children, the consequences aren't as dire for me as they are for others.


 
In our lives we have grown and almost grown UMs. We do not need to inflict on to their minds what we do. Vanilla people do not go around spelling out who wears the pants in their family, who makes the choices, who is on top in the bedroom.... it is a TMI thing. My sister gets a little offended when she hears me speak in my submissive way about my relationship.. it would not work for her... fine! My mom thinks its cool that there is no conflict over power in my relationship. They do not need to know how deeply this goes in our relationship... it is none of their business, I do not need them to understand. I am very comfortable with myself and with my dynamic.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 11:12:04 PM)

Nope I really do not.
quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?
 
2) Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?
 

 



spanklette -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 11:15:08 PM)

As much as I love this site...this wasn't quite what I meant about people in the lifestyle...I suppose, I was talking about our local community. Here, as long as I'm not intentionally disrespectful, He really couldn't care less. That's not to say that the local folks haven't been accepting, in fact, they're awesome...but it did concern me to some extent.
 
And, generally, I don't go into specifics about the power exchange, but for those who are close to me there is something noticeably different. It's the way we interact...not specific addresses or anything, just the dynamic peeking out. For me, again, the reception in my vanilla relationships has been of the utmost respect and acceptance. Granted, I don't go into the nitty gritty, mostly, because I don't want to hear about theirs.[:D]
 
I have not received many negative responses to our lifestyle and those were just on this site, which I consider a trifle...especially with the block button handy. But, I didn't realize how important is was to me to gain acceptance in both worlds.
 
Now, Him...He could give a rat's ass who, what, when, or where He is accepted or not...this is just me and my thoughts.
 
 



HutchGarahl -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 11:16:45 PM)

 1)Do you care what others in the lifestyle think of your kink and dynamics?
 
Not one bit.

2) Do you care what others outside of the lifestyle think if they know already, or what they would think if they don't know?
 
Not one bit.

 
In other words, what are your personal consequences if people don't approve?
 
I could care less. If I spent thee time trying to worry about what other people thought of my lifestyle, how I handled it and what would happen if anyone knew...I would never be happy. Everyone I know, knows what I am and how I live....including my family and kids. Do they all like it...most of them don't, but none try to tell me it's wrong. Would I bother to listen and try to change anything if they did...not one damn bit. I live how I have lived for over 30 years. My life is my own.

 



popeye1250 -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 11:16:50 PM)

No and no.
I actually tease people about being tied up![:)]
"Come over here little girl and I'll give you a good hard spanking!"
It is nice to come in here and talk to other people with the same interests though.
As for needing "approval" from anyone, no.
The way I figure it if I'm going to have to "care" about what someone else "thinks" I'll need them to pay my mortgage and bills  first.
Oh, and $1,000 a week "walking around" money too. Then I'll start caring about what another person "thinks".
See? I'm easy. 



spanklette -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 11:21:55 PM)

That's my knee-jerk reaction...No, I don't care. It just took a little introspection to realize that I do...at least, a little.
 
One day I'll wake up and say, "Who cares? I'm me. Take it or leave it." And, I'll actually mean it. Instead, I say it now almost like a mantra...maybe tomorrow will be the day I mean it. [:D]



juliaoceania -> RE: Why do we care what others think? (4/5/2007 11:22:10 PM)

We do not belong to a group, he and I have discussed going to lifestyle functions.... I seriously cannot imagine him caring about that either. I love people, but I am not a real joiner either, I also would not care to involve myself that closely with any group of people that their opinions mattered to me. I tend to keep my friends few. My Daddy is much the same way.



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