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being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 3:13:43 AM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline

I'd like to hear what the general community's views are on this issue:

I've received a phone call from someone I had slight contact with online but hadn't spoken to in months. They'd either had my phone # from long ago or they'd gotten it from someone else online I had given it to. The call was not to say hello or to resume a friendship but was more of a detective call.

The call was to try to get me to find somebody else that they'd been talking to online who was long distance to them, but local to me. I was asked to give out the person's personal information, such as where they were living or working or their phone numbers at home and at work. The reason given was that they hadn't heard from the person in a while and were worried. I was startled at the time and all I said was that I knew the person they were looking for was fine and I'd heard from them recently. I refused to answer where they were living or any of the other questions such as phone numbers or why they hadn't been online. The caller continued to question me trying to trap me into saying exactly where their online friend was and why they hadn't been online. They ordered me to call the person and email them at private addresses such as at work to state that they were being looked for. I finally said I had to go, that I'd email the person at the same email that they had given to the one who was calling and tell them that this caller was looking for them and had phoned me... and said goodbye and hung up.

I'm not sure if this is the right way to deal with it. Or whether it was proper for the caller to contact me this way. This has happened with more than one or two people over the years. I wouldn't want someone to be giving out my personal information to others online just because they were local to me and could get access to it. What does everyone think?

Post #: 1

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 3:22:39 AM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Sounds like you handled that well..IMHO. I would have to assume if the person in question wanted the curious party to have contact info, they would have given it to them themselves.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 2

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 3:30:33 AM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

I would be more worried about how this person got your phone number. Can you block the caller in case he tries to call back? have you informed the other person concerned?
Sounds like a bunny boiler to me.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 3

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 3:45:33 AM

vield

Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

There will always be people trying to stalk others, trying to "get even" with others and trying to use outsiders to help them.

The intent may be innocent, or may be malicious, and you have no way to judge this. The intent could even be deadly.

Even if I know that two people have been together, I am not giving either's info to either without the other person asking me to do so.

Generally when the situation comes up (which happens fairly often) I forward the information given to my friend and let them choose to get in touch or not. If the friend asks me to pass on the info I might.

Too often people obsess about what they want to happen rather than what the facts are. The offenders may be male or female, dom or sub, gay or straight, etc, none of that seems to make much difference. The "I want this" for too many folks takes precedence over "these are the real facts."

The seeker often feels they are taking authority over you by the fact you comply with the request to get information for them, and this might actually attract them to you as well.

"Sorry, I always respect people 's confidentiality" is a fair answer to use. I do not argue about whether I do or do not have access to the info, that is my business not theirs.

If a person continues to harass me after hearing that, all kinds of red flags go up.

One instance I remember well was a nosy neighbor who caught part of a neighbor's wireless phone conversation on a scanner. They took it upon themself to investigate this to out the person to his spouse as a cheater. They spent a lot of time digging and got some tapes of partial conversations. Fortunately the couple both knew all about these interests and consented to them, so the busybody got chewed out by the spouse for her long nose.

One has no obligation to tell anyone details about one's own life or about others, no matter how "dumbinate" the person asking claims to be.

_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 4

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 5:10:28 AM

nookie

Posts: 23
Joined: 3/21/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: vield

There will always be people trying to stalk others, trying to "get even" with others and trying to use outsiders to help them.

The intent may be innocent, or may be malicious, and you have no way to judge this. The intent could even be deadly.

Even if I know that two people have been together, I am not giving either's info to either without the other person asking me to do so.

Generally when the situation comes up (which happens fairly often) I forward the information given to my friend and let them choose to get in touch or not. If the friend asks me to pass on the info I might.

Too often people obsess about what they want to happen rather than what the facts are. The offenders may be male or female, dom or sub, gay or straight, etc, none of that seems to make much difference. The "I want this" for too many folks takes precedence over "these are the real facts."

The seeker often feels they are taking authority over you by the fact you comply with the request to get information for them, and this might actually attract them to you as well.

"Sorry, I always respect people 's confidentiality" is a fair answer to use. I do not argue about whether I do or do not have access to the info, that is my business not theirs.

If a person continues to harass me after hearing that, all kinds of red flags go up.

One instance I remember well was a nosy neighbor who caught part of a neighbor's wireless phone conversation on a scanner. They took it upon themself to investigate this to out the person to his spouse as a cheater. They spent a lot of time digging and got some tapes of partial conversations. Fortunately the couple both knew all about these interests and consented to them, so the busybody got chewed out by the spouse for her long nose.

One has no obligation to tell anyone details about one's own life or about others, no matter how "dumbinate" the person asking claims to be.

What vield said!

I consider all information shared with me confidential and would not pass it on, ever. I feel that if someone wants to share their information they should be the one to do it.

I can say from a personal standpoint that if someone passed my personal information on to another, I'd be very unhappy about it.

I detect a strange odor. What does a stalker smell like?

(in reply to vield)

Post #: 5

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 6:21:26 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

as the others have already stated the problem truly at hand is that your information is out & that you apparently give it out indiscriminately... you should stop this right now & be very selective as to who you share your info with

the policy I have always practiced as far as exchanging info when I am asked for another person's info is that I will take the asking parties info & offer it to the individual they wish to contact.... that way I am not breaching someone's privacy.

I also tell people straight away that they are not to share my info.... not even an email with anyone & that they should follow my method & contact me with the asking individuals info so that I may cantact them

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to nookie)

Post #: 6

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 6:33:26 AM

BOUNTYHUNTER

Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline

WE always tell the females that wish to call us to simply block their numbers until they feel safe with us...OUR home number is never given as we use a cell for contacts like this...Some subs are so naive is why they get into trouble.I love the innocent of complete trust that I find in some but always warn them of the consequences of the contacting the wrong person..

_____________________________

US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 7

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 7:35:00 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

i agree with what's been said...and only add this for consideration. i would have "played detective" with him. How did he get your phone #? How long has he known this person and where did thry meet? What makes him think you'd know the person (being "local" sounds like bs to me). Etc.

i have a feeling he would have hung up on you pretty dayum quick.

pinksugarsub

_____________________________

(in reply to BOUNTYHUNTER)

Post #: 8

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 7:35:35 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

There's reasons why people don't give out personal information. The reasons are good and bad...but ultimately their decision. You did well. What we do in our community is to ask if our own contact info would be forwarded to the person we are trying to contact.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 9

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 7:43:03 AM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

So this has been my modus operandi since childhood. I don't give out other people personal information. It is theirs, not mine. And in this case I probably wouldn't have even pass on the message. The caller was ostensibly concerned for the others person's health. Your response should have allayed the concern. End of conversation. But that's me. I am not at the bidding of everyone in the world. I don't do favors for just anyone.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 10

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 7:50:12 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I didn't mean to imply that you should forward the person who is looking's contact info without permission either. They should ASK for their info to be passed on.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)

Post #: 11

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 8:19:33 AM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

You handled it well. I, on the other hand, would have been very belligerent.

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 12

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 8:22:41 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

quote:

They ordered me

you take orders from strangers, i would take a look at that.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 13

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 8:42:48 AM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

I'd like to hear what the general community's views are on this issue:

I've received a phone call from someone I had slight contact with online but hadn't spoken to in months. They'd either had my phone # from long ago or they'd gotten it from someone else online I had given it to. The call was not to say hello or to resume a friendship but was more of a detective call.

The call was to try to get me to find somebody else that they'd been talking to online who was long distance to them, but local to me. I was asked to give out the person's personal information, such as where they were living or working or their phone numbers at home and at work. The reason given was that they hadn't heard from the person in a while and were worried. I was startled at the time and all I said was that I knew the person they were looking for was fine and I'd heard from them recently. I refused to answer where they were living or any of the other questions such as phone numbers or why they hadn't been online. The caller continued to question me trying to trap me into saying exactly where their online friend was and why they hadn't been online. They ordered me to call the person and email them at private addresses such as at work to state that they were being looked for. I finally said I had to go, that I'd email the person at the same email that they had given to the one who was calling and tell them that this caller was looking for them and had phoned me... and said goodbye and hung up.

I'm not sure if this is the right way to deal with it. Or whether it was proper for the caller to contact me this way. This has happened with more than one or two people over the years. I wouldn't want someone to be giving out my personal information to others online just because they were local to me and could get access to it. What does everyone think?

I wouldnt have been so nice.

It would have been more like obvisously the person hasnt contacted you for a reason.Then I would have hung up.Or said simply its none of your f*cking business and then hung up.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 14

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 8:56:55 AM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline

"you take orders from strangers, i would take a look at that"

Not at all; the fact that I refused to do what they ordered did not deter them from having issued orders that I didn't follow. I admit I was startled enough to blurt something out to the caller before I regained my composure, which I should have had enough presence of mind to avoid doing, and for that I feel bad. Also, despite the fact that I was spurred into posting about this because it has recently happened again, doesn't mean it's the first or only time it has happened; I just didn't used to have any forum to ask questions on the previous times it happened (two other times in 10 years with unrelated people). That is why I was looking for the community's responses on the issue in general. I am not worried about someone having my phone number. My husband's "axe-murderer" voice would deter the most determined stalker if I didn't turn them off first by practicing my realistic vomiting sound effects into the phone receiver. It was somebody using me as an innocent third party to potentially stalk someone else that my question was aimed at. Thank you for the sincere replies that stuck to the subject at hand, especially those of MasterFireMaam (whom I've had a crush on for months, now my secret's out) and the wise advice of vield (whom I'm thinking of developing a crush on just because he's smart and looks to be naked in the photo, yummy!).

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 15

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 9:07:03 AM

SlaveBlutarsky

Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

I'm not sure if this is the right way to deal with it. Or whether it was proper for the caller to contact me this way. This has happened with more than one or two people over the years. I wouldn't want someone to be giving out my personal information to others online just because they were local to me and could get access to it. What does everyone think?

The only thing you did wrong was to even question whether you did anything wrong. Seriously, what possible reason would you have for thinking you did anything wrong or should have done anything differently?

_____________________________

Strong for all, weak for one

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 16

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 9:52:11 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

This is a very creepy sort of thing, and I would have handled it the same way as you. I would have just told them i would contact the person and warn them ...ooops .. tell them that this caller wanted to hear from them and leave it at that.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 17

RE: being asked to contact people offline? - 4/8/2007 1:59:43 PM

Termyn8or

Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

Missing the main point, oft as even normally intelligent people do, there is a question.

Why couldn't this person get ahold of that person directly ? No reply ? No reply means no interest.

I would do about the same thing, "They are alive and well, and I WON'T talk to you later". And I would be very concerned about where the stalker got my number.

Some people just do not get it, no response means no interest. I NEVER contact anyone on CM for the meat, so to speak. I do not go through profiles looking. I simply do not do it. If I contact any of you out of the blue it is an issue with one of your posts. I am currently corresponding with other CM members "on the other side" and when I do for the purposes of hooking up, they contacted me first. No exceptions thusfar.

I have figured out something in my 46 years of real life. I don't tell anyone anything about anyone else. People like me, and do what I tell them to do.

I mean I got a buddy Hunter, stops by (nextdoor neighbor) and asks how Bandana is doing. I say I have no idea. People ask me how my Mother is doing, I tell them I have no idea. Sometimes people ask me how I am doing and I say I have no idea.

I also NEVER write down a phone number. Not really, I write it in code and I never put a name to it. I might have to go back in some notebook and look for Y--2-4389-4, which could denote 440-842-9384. Get the idea. I know it is backwards, and the first three are referenced in my head, making my rolodex useless to anyone but me. Even the name "Y" is only known to me. That could be the last letter of their middle name, as long as it is unique and spurs my memory.

I know a guy wanted to become a PI, I talked him out of it, not because he isn't smart enough (he isn't), but because privacy is valuable. I learned that lesson recently.

The thread was about privacy, or had drifted there. I chose the words "Hows about I get some of my hacker friends to..." instead of perhaps "What if some hackers...." . That almost got me thrown out of CM.

I would rebuff any such request for info on someone else. What, they don't have an email address or even their CM handle ? Bullshit. It is totally obvious that the person they seek to contact does not prefer their contact. If I give any information about the 'target', I am violating their wishes. Plain and simple, and that is why I woud never do it.

If all this happened on CM the mods might like to have a look at the situation. They seem to be fiercely protective of members privacy, and with our recent negative popularity in the news I wouldn't be surprised if naming the stalker would result in their ejection from the site.

I said "Hows about I get my hacker friends" and I was sternly warned, look at my avatar, and my posts. It is easy to see that I would never do anything against this site or any of the members. But even the hint of it.............

I've given out my real email, even my phone number, but that is my choice. If anyone violates me by giving that info out, that is inexcusable. Even the fact that I am still alive might be unacceptable. It is unacceptable because it is not their choice to give out my info, it is MINE.

Actually, to the OP, I would be VERY concerned about where someone got my telephone number.

T

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 18

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