RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances

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LadyAngelika -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/20/2005 3:35:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika I personally tend to be attracted to a more well rounded individual who can converse on a variety of topics and doesn’t come across as a one note samba. But then again, that's just my opinion ;) - LA I absolutely agree... a well rounded sub is a wonderful thing. However, if a sub isn't as well rounded as I like, but it bright and willing to learn I can teach her some things. So as long as she has a good "foundation" to build on I can still work with that. But with me a girl has her best chances if she has some variety in her life, has read a few books (and I don't mean romance novels), gone out and lived life a litte. I don't care if she has no experience in the lifestyle, that part is the easiest to teach. With me at least, a girl who has gone out and tried every fetish there is is probably less likely to impress me. I don't mind teaching my partner. I also want to learn from my partner. I actually like them to be pretty much my equal. I like a meeting of the minds if you will. quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag quote: ORIGINAL: joecool The New Bottoming book mentions that if you really want to land the partner of your dreams, you need to spend time making yourself the person your ideal partner would want. Thanks for your thoughts. That's a good point and some damn good advice for both doms and subs. If you want to attract some one, be the person they would be attracted too. I agree with this statement 100%. It is completely aligned with my philosophy of life. - LA

happypervert -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/20/2005 6:51:48 PM)
quote: The New Bottoming book mentions that if you really want to land the partner of your dreams, you need to spend time making yourself the person your ideal partner would want. Some others have chimed in that they like this idea; I don't. It strikes me as essentially suggesting you should be a phony and try to live up to what you imagine someone else's expectations of you would be instead of being happy with yourself. To me, that is a recipe for being miserable and someone nobody would want to be around. Hey, I'm all for expanding your interests and being more interesting as suggested in Aakasha's post, and certainly if you're an asshole then I wouldn't suggest being happy with that. But my ideal partner will be quite thrilled with me instead of the Prince Charming I imagine she might be looking for.

SweetDommes -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/20/2005 6:59:45 PM)
I actually interpreted it as "be someone that you would like to hang out with" rather than "be someone that someone else wants" ... meaning - round ourself out so that you are interesting to yourself, you are confident in yourself, etc.

LdyAuburn -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/20/2005 7:26:15 PM)
I believe that some people become very wrapped up in their desire to find someone. The 'things' they enjoy can be left by the wayside. I know I have encountered some who have done so and when they have either found a partner or perhaps accepted that as they were wasnt going to get them what they wanted, they have remembered what they used to enjoy eg books, writing, cinema etc. Perhaps another point is sometimes people maybe bashful about what they enjoy eg small trains, star trek. It can be very much like the vanilla world where someone only has their work to discuss. People need reminding there is more. I do not believe that , usually, it is feasible to ya or nay on the first meeting. Hey sometimes we overwhelm them so much they just cant talk [:D]

LadyAngelika -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/21/2005 5:16:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: happypervert quote: The New Bottoming book mentions that if you really want to land the partner of your dreams, you need to spend time making yourself the person your ideal partner would want. Some others have chimed in that they like this idea; I don't. It strikes me as essentially suggesting you should be a phony and try to live up to what you imagine someone else's expectations of you would be instead of being happy with yourself. To me, that is a recipe for being miserable and someone nobody would want to be around. I should have specified something here. I only see it as a positive thing if it's about self-improvement. I don't believe in becoming someone else to please someone else. I see it more as becoming the kind of person I want to be because I find this kind of person fun to be around, attractive on many levels, etc. The fact is, that if you don't love yourself first, no one can really, truly love you. So you have to be someone you yourself can love, if that makes any sense? (Only on sip 2 of coffee) - LA

AAkasha -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/21/2005 9:12:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: ORIGINAL: happypervert quote: The New Bottoming book mentions that if you really want to land the partner of your dreams, you need to spend time making yourself the person your ideal partner would want. Some others have chimed in that they like this idea; I don't. It strikes me as essentially suggesting you should be a phony and try to live up to what you imagine someone else's expectations of you would be instead of being happy with yourself. To me, that is a recipe for being miserable and someone nobody would want to be around. I should have specified something here. I only see it as a positive thing if it's about self-improvement. I don't believe in becoming someone else to please someone else. I see it more as becoming the kind of person I want to be because I find this kind of person fun to be around, attractive on many levels, etc. The fact is, that if you don't love yourself first, no one can really, truly love you. So you have to be someone you yourself can love, if that makes any sense? (Only on sip 2 of coffee) - LA This is so true, LA. I know the quote from the book is out of context so maybe it means differently, but "becoming" someone you are not or being dishonest about who you are to try to win the favor of another is being dishonest to yourself AND the other person. That's another pet peeve of mine that goes hand-in-hand with the "desperation" rant -- and that is subs that will say anything/lie to try to portray what they think will get the femdom interested in them. It's so bad that I have found that if you ask a leading question like, "Are you into....?" they will say "Oh, yes!" -- no matter what. I would ask, "So, are you a female supremacist?" -- they would say, "Yes, I am." I'd say, "Hmm, well, I'm not." Then they back paddle, "Well, I didn't mean it that way really...." They lie about their interests to match yours (they used to do that with me with the kind of dance clubs I was into, bands I was into, etc.) and in more recent years because I've been very vocal about my passion for hockey, I get subs lying to me saying they either play hockey or are in a minor or NHL team -- huge lies! What are these guys trying to accomplish? Such desperation is a huge turnoff. Having different interests is what makes relationships dynamic and exciting. The point of this thread was not about "developing interests that are identical to or appealing to your potential femdom" -- it was about developing any interests outside of BDSM. Akasha

onceburned -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/21/2005 9:54:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha The point of this thread was not about "developing interests that are identical to or appealing to your potential femdom" -- it was about developing any interests outside of BDSM. Indeed. We should each have a fully developed personality, with well rounded interests. To not have interests outside of BDSM suggests that the person has a stunted personality. And to try to convince a prospective that they share common interests when they actually don't suggests that they have a co-dependent personality -- which would send me running!

happypervert -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/21/2005 10:49:22 AM)
quote: I should have specified something here. I only see it as a positive thing if it's about self-improvement. I don't believe in becoming someone else to please someone else. Yes, and I should have noted that I figured you meant exactly that because you've said it before in these forums and I was merely trying to sound smart by repeating your idea. I suspected that the quote was close enough to appear the same; I didn't notice the distinction until I read it a second time taking it literally instead of interpreting it to make sense. So Lady A, perhaps you could write your own book. If it had some of the stuff we've seen here such as the 10 steps for making a good impression, introductory letters, and ideas for self improvement, it would be far better than some products already on the booksheves. [;)]

goodhouseboy -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/21/2005 4:06:12 PM)
since i do not feel this applies to me, much, i am not upset, especially since anything relating to courting is not within the scope of ''my'' search. so far, to date, since 2001, "i" have yet to meet any domme/mistress that is interested in being-impressed. so far all have a man already in their life, and have no need of another. so i do not seek out to "date" any domme/mistress. "I" seek out merely to be of service, for the sake OF and IN service. i am basically a houseboy, doing usually, inner and outer of the house, and yards, and have not as yet, been even remotely told i would be required for anything else. no domme/mistress has ever made mention of wanting to be entertained, when they all have someone already. i have offered to become a total-slave, but no one seems interested in that either. if i ever do find 'a' single unattached One, i will take all this into advisement... thank You all sincerely subsmissively houseboy

AAkasha -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/21/2005 4:18:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: goodhouseboy since i do not feel this applies to me, much, i am not upset, especially since anything relating to courting is not within the scope of ''my'' search. so far, to date, since 2001, "i" have yet to meet any domme/mistress that is interested in being-impressed. so far all have a man already in their life, and have no need of another. so i do not seek out to "date" any domme/mistress. "I" seek out merely to be of service, for the sake OF and IN service. i am basically a houseboy, doing usually, inner and outer of the house, and yards, and have not as yet, been even remotely told i would be required for anything else. no domme/mistress has ever made mention of wanting to be entertained, when they all have someone already. i have offered to become a total-slave, but no one seems interested in that either. if i ever do find 'a' single unattached One, i will take all this into advisement... thank You all sincerely subsmissively houseboy If you are representing yourself as a no-strings attached houseboy, that's what the offers will look like. If you are seeking more -- ie, a relationship -- ie, intimacy or sex, you have to state that. The problem I have had with houseboys is they have never been 100% honest with me up front. Especially regarding "no strings attached" and "I really only like to be of service, I just like to do housework." That's just not true. If that was true, you could go work at a maid service and earn money. There must be something in it for the houseboy. The ones that have told me there was not have done a crappy job and said "I guess I need punishment" (when "punishment" was not part of the agreement) or "I promise I won't expect any sort of intimacy from you" (and two visits later confessed they wanted more -- "just a little" -- yeah right) or stole my lingerie. If they would be up front and clear (ie, "I will clean these parts of your house in exchange for a 1 hour session" or "I need constant supervision and praise" or "I want punishment to keep me motivated" or "I would like to have a few pairs of your panties as compensation") a lot of drama would be avoided. There is no such thing as a houseboy that really doesn't want anything in return (and there's nothing wrong with that, he has to be honest about it though). What I have found is that the time and energy it has taken to supervise, correct, "reward" and attend to a houseboy makes it more cost effective for me to pay a maid. I can't spend 90 minutes of my time supervising the process and playing headgames when I should be working, and that's what the houseboy is supposed to be for anyway. So the question is -- what's in it for you? Why did all those visits to potential femdoms fail? Akasha

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/21/2005 9:48:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha So the question is -- what's in it for you? Why did all those visits to potential femdoms fail?Akasha Waiting to see the reply to this as well. M

LadyAngelika -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/22/2005 4:53:29 AM)
quote: It's so bad that I have found that if you ask a leading question like, "Are you into....?" they will say "Oh, yes!" -- no matter what. I would ask, "So, are you a female supremacist?" -- they would say, "Yes, I am." I'd say, "Hmm, well, I'm not." Then they back paddle, "Well, I didn't mean it that way really...." Yup! I do this all the time! I prefer someone to say. "No Miss, I actually don't like that one bit and here's why..." and then they have my attention because they have engaged me in a conversation. Doesn't mean it's going to go anywhere, but it has better chances then with "yes Miss" sub. - LA

LadyAngelika -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/22/2005 4:59:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: happypervert quote: I should have specified something here. I only see it as a positive thing if it's about self-improvement. I don't believe in becoming someone else to please someone else. Yes, and I should have noted that I figured you meant exactly that because you've said it before in these forums and I was merely trying to sound smart by repeating your idea. I suspected that the quote was close enough to appear the same; I didn't notice the distinction until I read it a second time taking it literally instead of interpreting it to make sense.¸ already on the booksheves. [;)] HP! Yeah, you shoulda... <weg> quote: ORIGINAL: happypervert So Lady A, perhaps you could write your own book. If it had some of the stuff we've seen here such as the 10 steps for making a good impression, introductory letters, and ideas for self improvement, it would be far better than some products already on the booksheves. [;)] I'll get started on the book right on it after I finish writing my thesis ;) But seriously HP, thanks for the vote of confidence. Just like everyone else here, I just put in my 2¢. It's simply my perspective. If it can help some people, then great. I figure I get as much out of the other contributions here as I put in. That's what community resources like these are all about. - LA <edited for a typo... which does not guarantee all are gone>

SweetDommes -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/22/2005 12:56:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: It's so bad that I have found that if you ask a leading question like, "Are you into....?" they will say "Oh, yes!" -- no matter what. I would ask, "So, are you a female supremacist?" -- they would say, "Yes, I am." I'd say, "Hmm, well, I'm not." Then they back paddle, "Well, I didn't mean it that way really...." Yup! I do this all the time! I prefer someone to say. "No Miss, I actually don't like that one bit and here's why..." and then they have my attention because they have engaged me in a conversation. Doesn't mean it's going to go anywhere, but it has better chances then with "yes Miss" sub. - LA We don't go that route. We ask them what their interests are (D/s and non D/s) before we will answer any such questions (because we do get the "oh, me too!" response, all the damn time). I will always ask them if there is anything else they like, or anything else they have thought/fantasized about before I answer what our interests are. If they say something that we aren't into/disagree with (like Fem Supremacy or GS, etc.) then I tell them that we aren't into it and why - and then tell what we are into. We don't ask leading questions like that - to us it feels kind of like entrapment. I figure if they don't have enough of an imagination to answer my "what do you fantasize about" question, then we aren't interested in them, I tell them that, and move on.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/22/2005 4:08:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes We don't go that route. ... We don't ask leading questions like that - to us it feels kind of like entrapment. I don't consider it entrapment. I consider it filtering. We all have our styles that work for us. - LA

goodhouseboy -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/23/2005 7:56:48 AM)
quote: There is no such thing as a houseboy that really doesn't want anything in return (and there's nothing wrong with that, he has to be honest about it though). What I have found is that the time and energy it has taken to supervise, correct, "reward" and attend to a houseboy makes it more cost effective for me to pay a maid. I can't spend 90 minutes of my time supervising the process and playing headgames when I should be working, and that's what the houseboy is supposed to be for anyway. So the question is -- what's in it for you? Why did all those visits to potential femdoms fail? Akasha ----------------------- and THAT is where You are WRONG! "I" am THAT houseboy, wherein "I" ask nothing BUT to serve for service sake. i have ventured into this in 2001, and have had NO sex, NO play, and NO love romance with ANY domme/Ms.!!!! what is in it for ME? to see Her smile, that She is pleased. to KNOW that the house and yards are immaculate and "I" did it! NO! no sex/no play/no love/!!!! i understand ALL of Y/you not grasping that. Y/you are programmed by the problems Y/you have had from bad ones. i understand! but! "I" am NOT one of those!!! that is a 100% guarantee!! there is always that 1 exception in life to every topic...and "I" am he. call ripley's cause Ya ain't believing me.!!!! but i guarantee it!!!! but then..i have as much trouble believeing there are no dommes that do not have their hand out and purse open!!! so see? there ARE bad on both sides of this... i ask but a REAL chance for a REAL Mistress.......and She will get a REAL houseboy service servant devoid of pitfalls and heartaches..... i have never played with anyone beyond 10 minutes as a trial..and "I" am not,..myself...into pain. i have been self celebate since 10/2001...NO sex with another human being.. i am self platonic...no romance in my life since 2001.... i AM that boy You say does not exist....i may be a dinosaur...but i am proud of who and what i am..i have not ever been punished OR disciplined...i have a perfect record!! at 51 yrs old, in good health,...i am able, to relocate anywhere anytime,,i so choose. that is what is nice about being retired/disabled...doing as ya wanna and no one can say no to me. have a wonderful weekend to A/all.... houseboy in iowa...still searching for Ms Real....

AAkasha -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/23/2005 10:12:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: goodhouseboy quote: There is no such thing as a houseboy that really doesn't want anything in return (and there's nothing wrong with that, he has to be honest about it though). What I have found is that the time and energy it has taken to supervise, correct, "reward" and attend to a houseboy makes it more cost effective for me to pay a maid. I can't spend 90 minutes of my time supervising the process and playing headgames when I should be working, and that's what the houseboy is supposed to be for anyway. So the question is -- what's in it for you? Why did all those visits to potential femdoms fail? Akasha ----------------------- and THAT is where You are WRONG! "I" am THAT houseboy, wherein "I" ask nothing BUT to serve for service sake. i have ventured into this in 2001, and have had NO sex, NO play, and NO love romance with ANY domme/Ms.!!!! what is in it for ME? to see Her smile, that She is pleased. to KNOW that the house and yards are immaculate and "I" did it! NO! no sex/no play/no love/!!!! i understand ALL of Y/you not grasping that. Y/you are programmed by the problems Y/you have had from bad ones. i understand! but! "I" am NOT one of those!!! that is a 100% guarantee!! there is always that 1 exception in life to every topic...and "I" am he. call ripley's cause Ya ain't believing me.!!!! but i guarantee it!!!! but then..i have as much trouble believeing there are no dommes that do not have their hand out and purse open!!! so see? there ARE bad on both sides of this... i ask but a REAL chance for a REAL Mistress.......and She will get a REAL houseboy service servant devoid of pitfalls and heartaches..... i have never played with anyone beyond 10 minutes as a trial..and "I" am not,..myself...into pain. i have been self celebate since 10/2001...NO sex with another human being.. i am self platonic...no romance in my life since 2001.... i AM that boy You say does not exist....i may be a dinosaur...but i am proud of who and what i am..i have not ever been punished OR disciplined...i have a perfect record!! at 51 yrs old, in good health,...i am able, to relocate anywhere anytime,,i so choose. that is what is nice about being retired/disabled...doing as ya wanna and no one can say no to me. have a wonderful weekend to A/all.... houseboy in iowa...still searching for Ms Real.... What went wrong on all those recent visits? Why didn't it work out? What the did the femdoms say was the reason they were not interested in keeping you as a houseboy? Akasha

goodhouseboy -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/24/2005 2:15:28 PM)
quote: What went wrong on all those recent visits? Why didn't it work out? What the did the femdoms say was the reason they were not interested in keeping you as a houseboy? Akasha ============== mostly they hide behind the computer screen,...just like the one i went to go see in north carolina...never even met me in person...i was called late night at the hotel...on the phone. the one in missouri hides behind her female subbie that she lets run her life...and i have proof of this...the one i was supposed to have in arkansas...i was there 2 days and then she says she can't do it real time and thought she could... the one in michigan is young enough to be my daughter...with no real life experience. i have yet to find any serious experienced mistress'..... so far all i find are game players, and/or those with their hand out and purse open...i had one i talked to one collarme expects a boy to buy her a new house.......a lot of nerve!!! what happens is they play games behind a computer screen and then when i show up they figure out the game is over and i called their bluff...only to find they only play at life...not live it. if i EVER find 'a' real life, living serious mistress.....i swear to all the gods man ever believed in......... anyway..... please have a good week coming up.. sincerely houseboy in iowa

AAkasha -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/24/2005 2:31:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: goodhouseboy quote: What went wrong on all those recent visits? Why didn't it work out? What the did the femdoms say was the reason they were not interested in keeping you as a houseboy? Akasha ============== mostly they hide behind the computer screen,...just like the one i went to go see in north carolina...never even met me in person...i was called late night at the hotel...on the phone. the one in missouri hides behind her female subbie that she lets run her life...and i have proof of this...the one i was supposed to have in arkansas...i was there 2 days and then she says she can't do it real time and thought she could... the one in michigan is young enough to be my daughter...with no real life experience. i have yet to find any serious experienced mistress'..... so far all i find are game players, and/or those with their hand out and purse open...i had one i talked to one collarme expects a boy to buy her a new house.......a lot of nerve!!! what happens is they play games behind a computer screen and then when i show up they figure out the game is over and i called their bluff...only to find they only play at life...not live it. if i EVER find 'a' real life, living serious mistress.....i swear to all the gods man ever believed in......... anyway..... please have a good week coming up.. sincerely houseboy in iowa On all of these occassions did you have an invitation for real life? Did you exchange photos, do phone calls, discuss compatibility? In the past once I had a sub I was getting to know go ahead and buy a plane ticket and called me up and said 'Guess what. I'm coming to see you in a few days!" and I said, "Uh, no you're not!" That's something that needs to be agreed on. The one that is young enough to be your daughter, how could you not know that before going out there? You knew her age, right? As for the one that said she could not do real time..well, that does happen with some people. And some do not "click" right away. That's why having a lot of pre-screening is important. You mentioned in one of your posts but your not profile that you are disabled. That also is information the ladies need to know. Did they know this before you came to see them, and what implications (if any) it might have? Something just doesn't sound right with these scenarios. I've heard of bad luck and poor choices, but that seems like a lot of work (all that travel) -- I think you need to work harder on establishing a connection, chemistry and a mutual understanding before meeting people in real life. Akasha

AAkasha -> RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances (4/24/2005 2:33:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: goodhouseboy quote: What went wrong on all those recent visits? Why didn't it work out? What the did the femdoms say was the reason they were not interested in keeping you as a houseboy? Akasha ============== mostly they hide behind the computer screen,...just like the one i went to go see in north carolina...never even met me in person...i was called late night at the hotel...on the phone. the one in missouri hides behind her female subbie that she lets run her life...and i have proof of this...the one i was supposed to have in arkansas...i was there 2 days and then she says she can't do it real time and thought she could... the one in michigan is young enough to be my daughter...with no real life experience. i have yet to find any serious experienced mistress'..... so far all i find are game players, and/or those with their hand out and purse open...i had one i talked to one collarme expects a boy to buy her a new house.......a lot of nerve!!! what happens is they play games behind a computer screen and then when i show up they figure out the game is over and i called their bluff...only to find they only play at life...not live it. if i EVER find 'a' real life, living serious mistress.....i swear to all the gods man ever believed in......... anyway..... please have a good week coming up.. sincerely houseboy in iowa One more thing. You made it very, very, VERY clear that as a submissive you have no expectations for play -- at all, period. If so, then why would it matter or not if one of the femdoms had no real life experience? If she isn't going to be expected to "dominate you" then what kind of experience are you talking about? One doesn't need experience to have a houseboy pick up for them or do chores. Akasha

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