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ihavesomemagic4u -> RE: Is this a real dom.. (4/10/2007 7:50:32 PM)
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Dear FiestyFi-
Here are some comments I found helpful and hopefully will help you answer your two main questions:
1. What is a dom or a "good dom"?
2. What is a D/s relationship?
What is a dom?
These are some of the Traits of a Good Dominant you should be looking for:
Acceptance:
Acceptance of self, what is within yourself, what your wants needs and desires are. Acceptance of your limitations and those of your submissive. The ability to accept another human being for the person they are, including their shortcomings and especially to accept your own. Accepting what being a dominant is to the individual and not being ashamed or intimidated by the needs within, but happy in ones mind set.
Communication:
This is the ability to talk and discuss things. It is an integral part of any relationship, but an absolute necessity within a D/s one. A dominant should have the skills to communicate their needs, wants, desires, fears, thoughts, limits or whatever else comes along. The ability to talk also calls into play the honesty and truthfulness of the dominant. Once communication is open it should remain that way, and will do so provided the dominant does not stop communicating honestly. To not communicate is to endanger yourself physically (by not telling the submissive your experience and other necessities) and emotionally.
Compassion:
The ability to see and at least attempt to understand the emotional aspects of your submissive's psyche. To understand and be aware of the multitude of things within reality that can affect a submissive physically, emotionally and mentally. To be able to apply that understanding to the many situations that arise within daily life that may prevent your submissive from serving to the best of their abilities. Using compassion wisely to allow you to aide your submissive, support him/her during times of stress shows that you are truly a well rounded dominant. One who realizes that a dominant and a submissive are people too. Without compassion you are not a dominant, only a sadist.
Courtesy:
This one is fairly self explanatory but many people have asked me for specifics on courtesy. It is the ability to show proper manners, pleases and thank yous. To address someone with a respectful tone of voice. A dominant should show courtesy to his/her submissive and other submissives around them. Just because you are a dominant does not give you the right to be rude or cruel. This includes courtesy to your peers.
Grace:
Elegance in the manner a dominant presents themselves is an important and desirable personality trait that many submissives say they prefer. The way a dominant carries themselves, their style of play, no matter how graphic should still flow with style and grace. Their actions should not be overly hesitant, stilted or confused. If this is lacking as an inherent ability, the dominant should be willing to learn and grow in this area.
Dominance:
This is the most important trait in a dominant. It is the inherent natural ability to lead. To exert control in a respectful, intelligent and humble manner. The strength of character which allows you to exert the control necessary in a power exchange relationship. The ability to care for another person's entire well being.
Honesty:
There are far too many people who lack honesty so it has to be said. Honesty is the ability to speak up, be open and truthful about what you say. Don't hide your emotions, fears, limits, fantasies, ideas and thoughts. Don't tell the submissive what you think he/she wants to hear. Honesty is the basis of trust, without it there is no trust. And without the trust, there is no true relationship. A successful dominant is an honest one, one who does not lie or attempt to deceive. One who is truthful when he/she speaks. Most important is to be honest about your level of experience, to lie is to endanger the very life of a submissive.
Humility:
This is basically the ability to see yourself as fallible. To see yourself as a person, not just a dominant. To see that sometimes in reality your needs must be set aside for the better of the relationship. (possibly to settle a disagreement, set limits or things of that nature) A successful dominant knows they will make mistakes, that they are no perfect. Sure they have pride in their abilities but they also know that everyone grows constantly and they are secure enough within themselves not to need to be the center of attention at all times. This allows the dominant to be open to learning new things and not have a know it all attitude. This brings into play bullying. Bullying is using your status as a dominant to push around submissives without any thought for their well being at all. Bullying is a completely selfish action. A dominant who consistently bullies will turn submissives away from them and lose the respect of their peers. It shows a lack of humility and can also mask a poor sense of self esteem or a possible abusive person using the lifestyle to hide their abusive nature.
Intelligence:
By intelligence I don't mean book smart, the ability to do long involved mathematical equations or pull apart and rebuild a computer. As it applies to a successful dominant intelligence is the ability to learn the proper way of playing with the toys inherent in the lifestyle before using them on a person. The willingness and ability to research and learn about the lifestyle itself. The ability to make informed decisions about what their needs are and how to attain them and just how far their domination goes. The ability to take the time to learn their partner outside the roles of dominant and submissive, to learn him/her as the person they are, their likes and dislikes. The ability to learn what pleases their submissive and remember those things. The dominant should not only take the time and intelligence to know the physical tools, but also the psychological tools of dominance. Along with some basic psychological aspects of their submissive. (Knowledge should grow as people change constantly) There is nothing uglier than seeing an ignorant dominant trying to use humiliation as a tool of dominance. Humiliation is a difficult tool that requires maturity, intelligence, and skill
Loyalty:
This is a very important trait in a dominant. It is the ability to uphold your personal honor and remain true to the agreement between you and your submissive should the agreement be one of monogamy or whatever. Fickleness is very unattractive in a dominant and dangerous to the emotional well being of the submissives who serve you.
Patience:
A good dominant has patience. The ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating and not being dominant. This does not mean you have to be lax or soft, but to learn the proper time to push and the proper time not to. It is also the ability to wait for those things which take time to develop and to learn, especially within yourself. To realize that it takes time for a submissive to learn all the intricacies of serving you and have the patience to teach the submissive what you prefer.
Pride:
This is the ability to know your capacities and realize you are not only a good person but a good dominant. The ability to recognize your own strengths. This does not mean you should be closed minded to new ideas. Nor does it mean you should be unaware of your faults or keep an inflated ego. Pride in your dominance is a beautiful thing, arrogance or false pride are deadly. False pride usually masks insecurities which can be life threatening to the submissive.
Respect:
A successful dominant will show respect at all times, until such time as the submissive proves he/she is unworthy of such respect. A disrespectful dominant does not earn the respect of his/her peers or the submissives around them. By giving respect to others, you earn it for yourself.
Responsibility
A good dominant should have a sense of responsibility and be aware that they are the ones who are in control of a scene. They should take this responsibility seriously and act in such a manner that will keep themselves and their submissive as safe as possible. A good dominant should take responsibility for his/her own actions, even so far as admitting a mistake when one is made and not push the blame onto someone else. A good dominant should use this sense of responsibility to learn before acting.
Self Control
A good dominant must be in control of themselves first before they can even hope to control another safely. A good dominant is not one who is prone to fits of out of control behavior, raging fits and other actions which show a lack of self control. A dominant should be able to keep his physical needs in check in order to maintain a scene safely for the submissive. A good Dom should also have the self control needed to stick to his/her guns when they are faced with a begging sub for something new that they know is dangerous and that they know they have no experience in.
Self Respect:
A good dominant values themselves, and respects their own limits. A bully does not thrill a submissive. A solid sense of self worth is a necessity for a dominant or they can cause serious damage to the submissive's psyche. This does not mean act like you are the universe's gift to domination.
Service:
This is applicable to dominants but not in the same way as a submissive. A dominant serves their submissive by and through their dominance. By intelligently applying their dominant nature, and meeting the physical and emotional needs of the submissive, the dominant mutually serves the submissive. A successful dominant remembers that without a submissive, there is no such thing as a dominant. And that to receive the submission of a person is a gift. The dominant will therefore cherish that gift, and do their best to uphold it and not abuse it. This is the key to an exchange of power relationship.
Those are the traits which I have repeatedly heard make a successful dominant. Many of them overlap and refer to other traits within them. And most of them are applicable to every relationship not just those within D/s. These are the traits I have heard many submissives speak of as what they are looking for in a dominant. Not everyone will have all of those traits bred into them, and some of them can be learned. But those traits do reflect what is within a true dominant. This list is meant as an informational aide only and not as a hard core end all and be all ruling of what makes a dominant.
Second,
2. What is a D/s relationship?
D/s stands for Domination and submission. It is a relationship between two people that includes what is known as a power exchange. The submissive consensually grants the dominant the authority to exert control over him/her. It is a mutual relationship. It is based on trust and commitment. The necessities of such a relationship are communication, trust, respect, knowledge, awareness of self, and ideally love. It is a very complex and varied lifestyle, with each relationship differing from another.
Communication is a major key in a successful D/s relationship. The people involved must be able to talk with each other openly and share their thoughts, feelings, ideas and fantasies. This type of communication is difficult to achieve and requires work to maintain. But without it, the relationship will not survive. The goals of both participants is the pleasure of the other. Neither participant can meet that goal if they do not know what pleases the other participant. Communication can take many forms, bedtime snuggle talk, notes, letters, even stories can relate your needs, and emotions to your partner. The important thing is to talk with each other, honestly and in an open manner.
Trust is another major key in a successful D/s relationship. Trust is earned, not forced. And it must go both ways. The submissive must trust the dominant with their very life. Trust is earned by the behavior of both participants. Open communication and honesty help to build the trust within the relationship. Respecting the limits of your partner will build trust. Accepting all aspects of your partner’s personality will also build the trust. Within life trust is a tenuous thing, within D/s it is even more so. It is easy to break the trust in a D/s relationship, and very hard to repair it.
The participants within a D/s relationship need to respect each other. Their partner's needs, wants, fears, doubts, achievements and abilities should all be respected. Respect is another earned aspect of D/s. Your actions will dictate whether or not you are deserving of the respect given within a D/s relationship.
The participants in a D/s relationship should have at least a basic knowledge of what they are doing. Of what the outcomes of their actions could be. How to use the various toys and equipment associated with the lifestyle. A basic knowledge of the emotional needs within the relationship, and a good working knowledge of each other. It takes time to know that much about D/s, and each other. Take the time to learn as much as you can and your relationship will work better.
Those within D/s should have at least a basic awareness of themselves. By this I mean a person should know what is in themselves. Know their own personal needs and limits before they can make the informed choice of whether or not to submit, or whether or not they have what it takes to be a dominant. This is a long process and takes some time to accomplish, though it never is finished. They should also be aware that despite the close bond which forms in such a relationship, that they are in fact individuals also. The people in the relationship should never forget that they are indeed people, and should give room for human error. Everyone is human and no human is perfect. Expecting perfection is the easiest way to be disappointed.
Ideally a D/s relationship should include love. Though this is not a necessity for a satisfying relationship, it does strengthen the bond between the two people. From experience, I have learned just how close a D/s relationship becomes. With enough time, patience and communication, there is literally no secrets left. Love itself is hard to define and each person has their own definition, to me it is an emotional bond between two people. There are varying degrees of love, my opinion is such that ideally in D/s, unconditional love should be present. It makes the relationship so much more emotionally satisfying when love is present.
Such a relationship is indeed a very complex one. The exchange of power from one person to another can be a frightening thing to think about. There are varying levels of such exchange of power… ranging from those who play every once in a while, to those who mutually consent to a slave arrangement and give total control to another. What each person, no matter their level of involvement, should also remember is to respect their partner’s limits. Those within the lifestyle should be tolerant of the differences between their relationship and another's. There are no set rules for what constitutes a "proper" D/s relationship. And those of us who are within the lifestyle should accept this fact. I believe that so long as the participants are happy and each person's needs are met consensually, then the particulars do not matter.
Hope this helps.
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