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Approaching... - 4/12/2007 1:40:16 PM   
NorthsideBill


Posts: 37
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline 		Hello, I am a relative newcomer to the lifestyle and have been blessed with a perfect submissive to play and learn and spend time with. We have both been learning and this seemed like a very good place to post a question.

She wants to have a scene with a Dom that is in a local BDSM group that we are both a part of. I want her to be able to but our problem is that neither of us knows exactly how to approach him and ask him. Does she or do I? How does the person who approaches him broach the subject? This is a sort of laid back group, its true, but I dont want to go breaking any protocol or rules.

Any help would be most appreciated...


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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 1:53:05 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		Most people, regardless of personal feeling and whether or not they would actually agree to do it, would not be offended by a polite, sincere inquiry.  In my opinion, the person who has the best relationship with this dom should first approach and state that if it was a possibility at all that further discussions between all of you would be welcomed.  This would let the dominant know that all would be aware and accepting of the situation.

Some might say it would be better protocol for the dominant to approach first but I don't think that is always the case.  Especially if this is a casual, laid back group, I'd just sit down with him and ask if you could run something by him.  I'm sure after a bit of discussion you'll be able to work out the details.

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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 1:59:09 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		If you're at a party, just go up to him early, make small talk and then say what you've just said here.

If you want it to be private, then ask for a moment at the next meeting, say what you've just said here and see where it goes.

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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 2:01:47 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I have to disagree a lot.  The dominant should approach the other dominant.  Not so much for chest thumping reasons but because it will make it clearer that she isn't sneaking around or suggest "feeling" for the outside part.

Plus it makes it a bit clearer who is in charge, and your girl will feel your power if you do this rather than delegate it to her.  I would also have a long talk first with her about her boundaries as well as yours and if you don't think you have any then my money says you aren't really ready to do this with her.  I would then have a talk with them together with YOU being the "decider" again, in this sort of situation a bit of subtle but well placed chest thumping will do some good. 

As for rules, very few people object to being told "your hot enough/good enough for me to offer my girl to you" 

(in reply to MsKatHouston)
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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 2:03:37 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		If it's a laid-back situation, then just tell him what's up. If he has a submissive, I would make sure she's included in any opening conversations. Be courteous and respectful, and understand that he might say no. If you're prepared for any answer he might give, that might make you more comfortable approaching him. So, maybe go over a list in your head of his possible answers.
 
Whenever I'm nervous about something I always go over the worst case scenario's in my head...it generally helps me get past the nervousness and on to the task.
 
Hope that helps! And, good luck!

< Message edited by spanklette -- 4/12/2007 2:04:09 PM >

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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 2:04:48 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I have to disagree a lot.  The dominant should approach the other dominant.  Not so much for chest thumping reasons but because it will make it clearer that she isn't sneaking around or suggest "feeling" for the outside part.

Plus it makes it a bit clearer who is in charge, and your girl will feel your power if you do this rather than delegate it to her.  I would also have a long talk first with her about her boundaries as well as yours and if you don't think you have any then my money says you aren't really ready to do this with her.  I would then have a talk with them together with YOU being the "decider" again, in this sort of situation a bit of subtle but well placed chest thumping will do some good. 

As for rules, very few people object to being told "your hot enough/good enough for me to offer my girl to you" 


What he ^ said.

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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 2:07:05 PM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Kat has given you very good advice. The only difference between my opinion and hers is that I do believe it is the Dominant's responsibility, yours, to initiate the subject.

I would add one other thing that as a newcomer you might not have considered. Have you talked this idea through completely with your sub? Have the two of you discussed all the potential outcomes, good and bad that you can think of. Have you talked about what is to happen if the experience starts to go bad?

As the Dom, it is your responsibility to be absolutely sure this is what your sub wants, that she is truly ready for this kind of experience, and believe yourself that there is a very good probability that this will be a positive experience for her.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 2:08:41 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		In my circles, the Master asks the Master. It can be done any number of ways, of course, but I doubt you could go wrong with that.

Master Fire


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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 2:09:54 PM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		I was typing while Michael was posting. He said it better than I did.
Namaste, Sir Dominic

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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 2:10:56 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		I can certainly see where you are coming from with this and do not disagree with it.  But I also know people who are in open relationships and one is closer to someone than another as is what happens from time to time.  In casual situations it is really not uncommon for the sub to approach and there be no problem.  However, granted, these people are a lot more experienced and established in their own relationships also.


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-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 2:16:26 PM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		IF a girl sees someone that she believe is a good match for her then by all means approach in a respectable manner and address your desires,your needs to the dom..bounty

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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 4:51:35 PM   
Rafters


Posts: 266
Joined: 3/9/2006
Status: offline 		Try doing it British style

Ask a mutual friend to introduce you two, make small talk to bond, and then nonchalantly enquire about the possibility during the after-dinner port and cigars?

Why?
Because all these steps serve discretely valuable purposes

The Introduction, serves as a simple background check. In effect, your mutual friend trusts you both enough to put their reputation into the intro.
So if they are a Dom on different scene, then ask a friend on your scene to ask a friend on their scene to get you or the Dom a mutual invite to something.
It’s a small incestuous kink, everyone has mutual friends

Here comes the science http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_degrees_of_separation

If you or the Dom aren’t within 6 friends of each other or don’t have any friends at all, then you break out the formal background check within extreme prejudice, since there may be trail of wreckage just waiting to be found.

The small talk costs nothing but lets you two put out feelers to get an idea of how the other works in a non-committed, sober, vanilla environment. Little things like smelling nice, gentle hands or a sense of humour that clicks, become factors around here. Before the offer and negotiation, you need to ask your gut instinct, “Can you get on with this person?”

Finally when you have made friends with someone who doesn’t break their toys, then you lightly ask the question when the food has raised their blood sugar, the alcohol has boosted their sociability and they’re already into one major vice already. The less of an arm-twisting hard-sell of a question you do, the less pressured the Dom will feel, and the more good natured their answer.



< Message edited by Rafters -- 4/12/2007 4:55:34 PM >

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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 5:20:01 PM   
TigressFL


Posts: 239
Joined: 6/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I have to disagree a lot.  The dominant should approach the other dominant.  Not so much for chest thumping reasons but because it will make it clearer that she isn't sneaking around or suggest "feeling" for the outside part.

Plus it makes it a bit clearer who is in charge, and your girl will feel your power if you do this rather than delegate it to her.  I would also have a long talk first with her about her boundaries as well as yours and if you don't think you have any then my money says you aren't really ready to do this with her.  I would then have a talk with them together with YOU being the "decider" again, in this sort of situation a bit of subtle but well placed chest thumping will do some good. 

As for rules, very few people object to being told "your hot enough/good enough for me to offer my girl to you" 



I third what Michael said. If an owned submissive came to me I would tell her or him to have their owner talk to me about it. By the same token, if I want to scene with someone or anything I talk directly to their owner.

Tigress~FL

P.S. Michael, I always enjoy reading your posts!!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 5:31:36 PM   
BondageTopJere


Posts: 170
Joined: 8/22/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with most of the replies here, in that the Dom should ask first.  Is it typical for the sub in question to be there or not? Because on one hand I can see it being a good idea, as there can be no "misplace" communication if all parties are present, but on the other, i can see several instances why not as well.

(in reply to TigressFL)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 5:33:45 PM   
ownedkitten


Posts: 200
Joined: 4/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I have to disagree a lot.  The dominant should approach the other dominant.  Not so much for chest thumping reasons but because it will make it clearer that she isn't sneaking around or suggest "feeling" for the outside part.

Plus it makes it a bit clearer who is in charge, and your girl will feel your power if you do this rather than delegate it to her.  I would also have a long talk first with her about her boundaries as well as yours and if you don't think you have any then my money says you aren't really ready to do this with her.  I would then have a talk with them together with YOU being the "decider" again, in this sort of situation a bit of subtle but well placed chest thumping will do some good. 

As for rules, very few people object to being told "your hot enough/good enough for me to offer my girl to you" 


For us, it is a sort of unspoken rule that should cari or I desire to scene with another Dom, our Master will make the initial contact.  Then perhaps we will be brought into the conversation to help smooth out the details. 


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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 7:02:53 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I guess it shows how comfortable I am and the people I've hung around that for me- if you want to play with someone, you ask them.

I assume THEY will ask the dom for whatever needs to be asking and/or inform ME if I need to ask or approach the dom (or whoever) for anything extra.

I don't see anything particularly wrong for a subs dom to ask on behalf of their sub, but I don't see anything wrong with a sub asking on behalf of his/herself either.  My ex master sent me off to enjoy parties on my own plenty of times and I made sure to go for the opportunity.  Never had a problem.



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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 9:16:25 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		LA,

Normally I love your advice but think about it, how many YEARS have you been in the scene and how extensive the experience you have had IN those years have been.  I mean its like about 5,000 chat years of experience.

The major reason I said what I said wasn't about rules or etiquette, it was about protecting the relationship both from accidental and purposeful violation.  I know what it is like to be young and inexperienced and have a beautiful and highly desirable submissive greedy for experience and many more "helpful" people more than happy to feed that greed, even those who were truly without agendas.  Fucking fat load of headaches much of that help caused.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Approaching... - 4/12/2007 10:28:36 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		I also feel that the Dominant should be the one who broaches the subject with the other Dominant. I've personally been approached both ways, and any time the sub has made first contact, I've said no. It always feels to me like the submissive is the one pushing for the contact and that their Dominant is just "going along with it." Also as was mentioned, it feels like the submissive may be sneaking around behind their Dominant's back. I am very respectful of other's property.

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