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Relationship with limited bondage? - 4/12/2007 6:27:02 PM

Bound2SteelMK

Posts: 12
Joined: 1/6/2007
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I wasnt sure if this is the right section to post this but here it goes.....

Theres someone who i enjoy being with, she enjoys being with me. we daited for 4 months a split up. we recently got back "together" to see if things could work out again. Last week, we did a few bondage related things, and i felt it went well, as it had in the past. She calls me yesterday saying that she just cant be that aggressive and isnt turned on by it. She dosent want to go "further" with the aggressiveness part.

i like to be dominant and be aggressive, but i also like to be submissive and have the girl be dominant, depends on the mood and the situation. So i cannot just decide if i wanna be one or the other. so if i was dominant, then id hafta worry about being too agressive? or if i was submissive, she wouldnt be very agressive with me?

Now that i have a very good job and taking on more and more adult responsabilities, i can afford to expand my bondage horizon. The question is: Can i be with someone that may have a limit on what she wants to do, when my limit is much much higher? I cant imagine 2 months or so down the road doing a scene, and she saying its "too much" when im already into it.... or wanting to be spanked or slapped, and she wont.

has anyone else come to this type of situation? should i get involved with someone who makes it clear she wont be very aggressive with me, and that i cant be very aggressive with her? aggressiveness is part of bondage, atleast for me. i enjoy the pain and pleasure, but, i dont think shes see's it that way. The odd part is, she enjoys being cuffed and collard, and locking me in a chastity belt, yet, finds it weird to slap or spank me.

any and all advise is welcomed!

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RE: Relationship with limited bondage? - 4/12/2007 6:50:41 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

It sounds as if you have answered your own question. You seem to have different desires and expectations when it somes to bondage play. Perhaps try to discuss it further with her and find out at what point things become uncomfortable and why. If it still looks like you can't come to an agreement on things, you might need to re-evaluate what you really want and need in a relationship and decide if you are with the person that fits your ideas.

Be well,
Julie

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RE: Relationship with limited bondage? - 4/12/2007 6:53:41 PM

BondageTopJere

Posts: 170
Joined: 8/22/2006
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As someone with no relationship experience, take my answers with a grain of salt

Peoples interests do change over time and to be honest, considering ending it over different play styles seems well... kinda dumb. No offense meant, but its rather find someone at all at 19 to play with. The more important question I would ask is how well the vanilla aspects of you both mesh? If the two of you are together simply for the play, then yes, I don't see much of a point in continuing on. If the two of you do mesh reasonable well, then comes the more hard question. To be honest, I can't really tell from your post if she has any sub/dom/switch nature in the first place. In which case, the question is does she?

Play is... a poor place to begin from IMO, especially if one of the partners is only in it for the physical part of the play to begin with.

quote:

Can i be with someone that may have a limit on what she wants to do, when my limit is much much higher? I cant imagine 2 months or so down the road doing a scene, and she saying its "too much" when im already into it....

To be honest yes you can. Tastes in play can change quite rapidly if one approachs the not-fun activity in a new light. An activity I found totally "hard-limit" a few weeks ago is having some very unexpected appeal to me right now. If this girl someone you truly enjoy outside of play, 2 months is a rather paltry amount of time to work out your kink differences. Is there anything she enjoys kink wise that you don't? Show her that your willing to do it for her, she may find in herself to doing the same for you in short order.

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RE: Relationship with limited bondage? - 4/12/2007 8:06:21 PM

selfbnd411

Posts: 598
Joined: 7/23/2005
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It sounds like you're just starting to explore BDSM, so what's the rush to decide on one play-style right off the bat? I take it that you two have a romantic relationship and BDSM is part of that, which is fantastic. I would play it by ear, let her know what you like, and pay attention to what she likes. Maybe she'll come over to your camp, or you'll go over to her camp, or the two of you will find a happy medium.

Be careful what you wish for, though. I'm a mild masochist, and I served a very sadistic Domme for a short while. It was great for a while--all of my dreams of being slapped, whipped, and beaten were being fulfilled. Then I started to realize that she just wanted a guy to serve as a punching-bag for her anger. I might even have enjoyed that, because I did like the pain, but shoot--she didn't even appreciate me as a punching-bag! I would *much* rather compromise a little with a Domme who appreciates me than get everything I think I want from someone who sees me as an object of scorn.

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RE: Relationship with limited bondage? - 4/12/2007 8:34:17 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bound2SteelMK
i like to be dominant and be aggressive, but i also like to be submissive and have the girl be dominant, depends on the mood and the situation. So i cannot just decide if i wanna be one or the other. so if i was dominant, then id hafta worry about being too agressive? or if i was submissive, she wouldnt be very agressive with me?

It simply sounds like the two of you aren't a good match, for a primary relationship, unless both of you are open to the idea of you finding a more agressive female partner as a secondary relationship. But, being poly is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

quote:

Now that i have a very good job and taking on more and more adult responsabilities, i can afford to expand my bondage horizon. The question is: Can i be with someone that may have a limit on what she wants to do, when my limit is much much higher?

has anyone else come to this type of situation? should i get involved with someone who makes it clear she wont be very aggressive with me, and that i cant be very aggressive with her? aggressiveness is part of bondage, atleast for me. i enjoy the pain and pleasure, but, i dont think shes see's it that way. The odd part is, she enjoys being cuffed and collard, and locking me in a chastity belt, yet, finds it weird to slap or spank me.

You have to look and decide if you are getting a decent barter...or if you are selling yourself short in order to have a relationship with her. If the first is true, it's a good relationship. If the latter is true, it's not and you'll end up resentful.

Master Fire

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RE: Relationship with limited bondage? - 4/12/2007 8:45:23 PM

Bound2SteelMK

Posts: 12
Joined: 1/6/2007
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no, im not just starting out in this. Ive been interested in bondage since 14 or 15, and acting on it around 16 and now, almost 20. ive done a lot, but, theres sooo much more to explore. The stuff i havent done, i have knowledge of and want to explore.

vanilla wise, we have fun, and have things in common, we dont have issues on that end. we daited for 4 months, did plenty bondage wise, but, she always refused to hit me in any way, or cause me "pleasurable" pain. i always disliked that, and, she wont budge on that.

she wasnt into bondage before me, but, neither have most girls ive dated. I dont LOOK for girls already into bondage nessasarily, because they arent easy to find, esp at my age. once you build trust with someone, then that person will be willing to open up to new ideas.

it isnt a 100% bondage relationship, but, when we do have private time, we are active in it. i dont always wanna be whipped or spanked, but, only when the time is right.

i hope this answerd your questions!

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