Frustrations and young Doms/subs (Full Version)

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BondageTopJere -> Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 8:22:22 PM)

 Another thread inspired this set of questions.

Do the younger set, under 30 crowd in BDSM and on here truly experience a greater lack of relationships, or is simply we have not become completely reconciled to the fact that having a successful D/s relationship is much harder than vanilla one?  I was going to ask this from a Doms viewpoint at first, as that frustration at my ability to find a sub in the past has been personally felt, but then silly me, realized that subs have it as bad if not harder go of it.

I met quite a few folk that have stated "age is simply a number" (although to the best of my admittly hazy recollection, that seems to be primarily a sub statement).  I can see where this is true for people in their early-mid 30's on up, as you can both go down and up the age scale, sometimes a good ways, and still feel that it simply isnt in issue.  But when your in your 20's theres not a lot of down the scale before you hit the limit, which leaves petty much well up the scale.

So already the available "pool" is restricted for younger people before we even get to join the rest of the mad hunt.  Now add into this a couple of distinct disadvantages, both for doms and subs. I have percieved that being a young as a dom can be a distinct disadvanatage, as generally we do lack the experience and simply not have had enough time to grow into ourselves, whereas being a young sub is an advantage, because that very inexperience can be seen as very attractive to a certain dection of doms, but that  inexperience also means more likelihood of Bad Things happening, whatever that bad thing is (pick your poison, it all applies)

So at least for me, I already see 2 distinct disadvantage to being under 30 and into BDSM, lack of experience and a smaller pool of potentials.  Now comes another question;  is my reasoning and perceptions about the disadvantages generally true or not?  If it is true,  how big of an impact are they on a precieved lack of relationships and the resultant frustrations that arise



WhipTheHip -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 8:34:38 PM)

I think guys in their 20s have it made as far as bdsm goes.   Every year you age, more people in your age group are taken.  When your twenty just about every girl you meet is single and most are available.  A large percentage of these females will have an interest in bdsm if they are exposed to it the right way.  Never before has bdsm been so accepted.   Most normal people marry by the time they are 30.   There is something wrong with people over thirty who have never married. 



selfbnd411 -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 8:38:49 PM)

Actually I would put the inflection point for ease of moving up or down the age scale in the late-20s.  I'm not old enough or experienced enough to comment too much on this question, but I think it's important to remember the insecurities of youth.  Remember the first time you expressed your kinkiness to a vanilla partner?  Hopefully they were into it, but I that a lot of people had a similar experience to mine--my vanilla g/f looking at me with the most disappointed look on her face I had ever seen.  Now I think it's funny, because she immediately went to her therapist (she was in counseling for other issues) to find out what was wrong with me!  But at the time I was horrified.

It's a lot easier to meet people when you're college age, and it's a lot easier to get into relationships, but I think people are very insecure and it's very hard to "come out" as kinky.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:00:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BondageTopJere

Do the younger set, under 30 crowd in BDSM and on here truly experience a greater lack of relationships, or is simply we have not become completely reconciled to the fact that having a successful D/s relationship is much harder than vanilla one? 

These relationships aren't any harder...if you're working to have GOOD relationships all around.


quote:

is my reasoning and perceptions about the disadvantages generally true or not?  If it is true,  how big of an impact are they on a precieved lack of relationships and the resultant frustrations that arise

Again, I think your talking about all intimate relationships, not just Ds or Ms ones. We aren't any better or worse than vanilla relationships...just different. The struggles you face here are some of the same that you're face in the vanilla community. Although, I do agree with the statement that the pool is smaller...that's true simply because we are a subset of society and thus, by definition, we are smaller in number.

Master Fire



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:02:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip
There is something wrong with people over thirty who have never married. 


A slight hijack....this statement is a gross overgeneralization. I know MANY people over thirty who have never married. But, they have been in strong, long-term, loving, healthy relationships. You don't need a piece of paper to have that.

Master Fire



littlesarbonn -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:05:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip
There is something wrong with people over thirty who have never married. 


A slight hijack....this statement is a gross overgeneralization. I know MANY people over thirty who have never married. But, they have been in strong, long-term, loving, healthy relationships. You don't need a piece of paper to have that.

Master Fire



I agree. What's even funnier is there are people who are over 30 who have married and divorced twice or more who point at me and say there's something wrong with me because I never got married once.



SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:08:30 PM)

quote:

Most normal people marry by the time they are 30.   There is something wrong with people over thirty who have never married. 


Normal people??? What, pray tell is YOUR interpretation of normal. Seriously, I don't want to put words in your mouth on this. Give us your definition of "normal" whip.

I just can't even begin to respond to this beyond that.



Slavetrainer2007 -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:09:59 PM)

Well ive been into D/s really since i was teenager i just didnt realize it until i got older, near 20.  Finding subs then was fairly hard unless they was new but i managed a couple of relationships, before i hit  the big 20. after that it started to become alot easier.  by  mid 20s i entered into a D/s relationship that went vanilla which i hated, and came back last year. Finding  prospective subs now is  a little easier for me now and i tend to be generally picky before i even consider considering.

My age and experience, or lack there of played a part  in conversations when i was younger. people dont tend to believe  right off that someone who is 22 has 4 years of experience. so if i said i was 44 and 4 years experience no one would question me? that  is extremely illogically. Since i know of many who didnt enter this lifestyle till at least their 30s. People dont use common sense sometimes when  judging others. is it possible to be to young and experienced yes and  age shouldnt factor in. Ive had to explain this to many, who mentioned my age.

On another note,experience dont determine ability.  again people seem to have a really illogical  way of thinking when it comes to these things. i can be experienced at bondage but that dont mean im good at it. Just ive done it. i guess my line of work has its advantages in this sense, because its taught me that  experience does not =ability or skill, and age does not=experience. therefore age does not = ability or skill either.
Therefore the only way to know how good a dom is at what they do is to talk to them and experience it or talk to someone that has experienced it with them( but thats implying  get references and i hate references its too jobish.)

As for your questions, in general. Subs are out there and they are available and you can find one be you 20 or 65. You just have to know where to look. Once you know where to look, you need to figure out how to attract them to you, and then you need to be able to keep them interested in you. Tis a hard task but then again  the reward is much worth the time and effort needed.

Look at your target age group, if that is college age women  then  you need to go where college age women are( which isnt these boards typically).  To be  honest i find if your looking for college age most hang out in  popular chat rooms and such. and thats the mostly likely place to find them.
If you are looking for older women  they typically hang out on boards blog sites and  things like that.
Its not how hard you search but where you are looking. Look in the right spots and you will find what your looking for.



littlesarbonn -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:10:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SDFemDom4cuck

quote:

Most normal people marry by the time they are 30.   There is something wrong with people over thirty who have never married. 


Normal people??? What, pray tell is YOUR interpretation of normal. Seriously, I don't want to put words in your mouth on this. Give us your definition of "normal" whip.

I just can't even begin to respond to this beyond that.


That's easy. Normal people are just like me. Everyone else is crazy.



WhipTheHip -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:11:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: selfbnd411

Actually I would put the inflection point for ease of moving up or down the age scale in the late-20s.  I'm not old enough or experienced enough to comment too much on this question, but I think it's important to remember the insecurities of youth.  Remember the first time you expressed your kinkiness to a vanilla partner?  Hopefully they were into it, but I that a lot of people had a similar experience to mine--my vanilla g/f looking at me with the most disappointed look on her face I had ever seen.  Now I think it's funny, because she immediately went to her therapist (she was in counseling for other issues) to find out what was wrong with me!  But at the time I was horrified.

It's a lot easier to meet people when you're college age, and it's a lot easier to get into relationships, but I think people are very insecure and it's very hard to "come out" as kinky.


You don't have to come out as kinky.  Just tie ropes around the legs of your bed and drape them over each cornor of your bed.  Half the females you invite into your room will lay down on your bed, ask you to tie them up and fuck them.  It's almost instinctual for young females to want to get tied up and fucked.  Then you just have learn how to use a flogger and feathers.  This was my error.  I learned this stuff too late.  It is funny how young women notice the ropes, then slowly figure out their purpose without you having to say anything.  It is even better if you can get four fur-lined cuffs.    I just worry fur-lined bdsm equipment is made in China where they kill and skin cats alive for their fur.   A twenty-something guy into bdsm will be the most popular guy on campus.  I was the shyiest guy around but was never shy about bondage stuff.  I just figured that was every girls secret fantasy.  I couldn't think how that could not be the case.  I just figured it was obvious to everyone that asses were made to be spanked, female ankles and wrists were made to tie down, and female orifices were made to fuck.  I had one recurrent dream where where I was captured and tied naked face to face with a female.




SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:15:29 PM)

quote:

You don't need a piece of paper to have that.


Well, we all know how whip feels about certain pieces of paper now don't we?

I apologize for the highjacking.

To the OP I think that age isn't the actual limitation but moreso experience at least from perhaps a Dominant perspective. One can be 30, 40, 50 or 60 and just getting into their D/s lifestyle. Submissives, no matter their age, are in effect going to be trained in that individual Dominant's preferences regardless of having previous experience or not. However from some of the new Dom/mes I've mentored over the years the biggest complaint I've always heard is that lack of experience, rather than age, has always been the biggest hinderance.



SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:18:09 PM)

quote:
quote:

ORIGINAL: SDFemDom4cuck


quote:

Most normal people marry by the time they are 30.   There is something wrong with people over thirty who have never married. 


Normal people??? What, pray tell is YOUR interpretation of normal. Seriously, I don't want to put words in your mouth on this. Give us your definition of "normal" whip.

I just can't even begin to respond to this beyond that.



That's easy. Normal people are just like me. Everyone else is crazy.


Ahhh I see, thank you for the clarification, although I really would like to see whip's definition of normal.
Hey wait a second....are you intimating that I would then be crazy as well??????

Don't feel bad, I just turned 41 and have never married either.



BondageTopJere -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:18:13 PM)

quote:


Remember the first time you expressed your kinkiness to a vanilla partner?


*Shrugs*  Wouldn't know as I've never had a romantic relationship of any type before, vanilla or BDSM.  I know I have it within myself to "fall" very hard for someone; quite frankly I don't see the point in attempting to have a vanilla relationship when there is a very high liklihood that I'm just going to get my heart ripped out in the process

[qoute]
A large percentage of these females will have an interest in bdsm if they are exposed to it the right way


Personally, I think this statement should read " A large percentage of these females will have an interest in kinky sex if they are exposed to it the right way".  Unfortunately, while kinky sex is part of BDSM, kinky sex does not need BDSM. Which then leds back to the first statement.

quote:

 
Most normal people marry by the time they are 30.   There is something wrong with people over thirty who have never married. 


I turn 28 in May, and my track record isn't looking so good about it happening anytime soon.  To be fair though, I'll have to admit my lack of a relationship is entirely my own fault.  I spent way too many years being confused as to where I came from as a Dom.  And also,  I have, had....  issues with larger women, which in my own biased memory seems to be the only kind of women that were attracted to me in a way that I could recognize.  I very recently started talking to a girl who is on plus size, and for the first time I can remember I'm still attracted to her after seeing her for the first time so I'm sincerely hoping that I have managed to put that paticular hard limit aside.

Put all this is in dealing with vanilla types.  My OP was in regards to those who have already found BDSM and knew it for what it was.



Slavetrainer2007 -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:30:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

I think guys in their 20s have it made as far as bdsm goes.   Every year you age, more people in your age group are taken.  When your twenty just about every girl you meet is single and most are available.  A large percentage of these females will have an interest in bdsm if they are exposed to it the right way.  Never before has bdsm been so accepted.   Most normal people marry by the time they are 30.   There is something wrong with people over thirty who have never married. 


I am almost 30 never married. And if i can help it wont get married. So their is something wrong with me? Your right their is by social standards. I like tying women up  nude and using various, sometimes not so nice, gadgets on  them. I like what society thinks is just plain weird. But thats ok, because society  is a bunch of boring  sheep that go through life doing what other sheep tell them too and none of them have a clue as to what is going on or what happiness is.

I am normal, Society isnt. It is a common misconception. Normal is being able to think for yourself formulate opinions by yourself and  accept that your going to be different from everyone else and everyone else is going to be different from you.  Thats normal.

Whats not normal is, doing something just because someone else says its right or thats the way its been done since 1608. Their is something wrong with society, they judge people based on social standards that they never themselves determined if they were good or bad  standards. they just simply accepted them and started judging based on them.  Hence society is a bunch of sheep in a pen of social standards. To afraid to venture out, to brainwashed( for lack of a better word)  to know their is something outside that life of social standards  and that something can be much better than the standards they live by.

I choose not to get married because, a license of mariage proves nothing to me. except when we get divorced she gets 1/2. I dont need it for a relationship, love, sex, or anything else. it is a meaningless piece of paper that only gives you slight advantages  in life.



hisannabelle -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 9:45:39 PM)

greetings jere,

i've been lucky. i have had two really good, relatively long-term (for my age anyway) d/s relationships, and i'm 19. now, neither of these were started in the vanilla or bdsm dating worlds; both my previous and current partners and i were friends long before there was ever a relationship. so i can't speak to the frustration of searching for a dominant partner in that way. my experiences dating in the vanilla world in my own age range while being with my current dominant have by and large pretty much sucked. i think i'm just bad at dating, really. i don't know what i'd do if i were seeking a dominant right now...i don't think i'd have a whole lot of faith in finding one through dating online or offline, just because i've never really had good dating experiences that went anywhere. dating, period, frustrates me.

as far as age is nothing but a number...well...there's 35 years between us and we've been happily together for a year or so now. i don't see either of us going anywhere anytime soon. for every submissive/slave who is or has been with an older dominant, then you gotta account for the fact that there are older dominants who think the same thing ;) it's not just an s thing imho.

there are unique dating/relationship hunting problems at every age, really. people in their 40s and 50s also have challenges when dating. everybody's got problems and hurdles. i don't think it's fair to say any one age group has the monopoly.

as far as being unmarried and over 30 being "wrong," well, some people just aren't the marrying kind. there's a lot wrong with my sister, but it has nothing to do with the fact that she's not the marrying kind, and she's 32. i know plenty of people who are perfectly well adjusted, over 30, and unmarried. the idea that any age is the right age to get married is such bs to me. one of my old roommates had her future all planned out and she was going to get married to a specific kind of guy at a specific age and everything was going to work out. and i'm sitting here going...aaaaaaand what if you don't meet a person who'd be a GOOD husband for you until five years after that?

just some thoughts.

annabelle.



boltaction -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 10:25:11 PM)

Though I find it hard to date, I am involved in the local spanking community and as such I have a wealth of knowledge at my fingertips. Whenever I go to the monthly parties I ask lots of questions and really study how to be better at who I am.

I think because it shows, I am quite popular there with people of all ages.

So... be sincere and try to involve yourself in the community. If you don't have a community around you, I am very sorry!



spanklette -> RE: Frustrations and young Doms/subs (4/12/2007 10:33:35 PM)

Well, I'm 26...and have really only been frustrated with the lifestyle when I put my mind to it. I'm owned by a man who is 15 years my senior...so, maybe I do go for the older Doms. Know what? He's got less time in the lifestyle than I do. That doesn't make me trust His guidance any less, because He trumps me in the life time experience department.
 
I've enjoyed the charms of younger Dominants, when I was younger too...my Daddy just happens to be older.
 
If you put yourself out there in your local community, you should have no shortage of willing submissives. Just be expected to be taken at face value...you are a twenty-something, and people will generalize. Let them. Don't argue. Learn from them and don't let your ability to learn be clouded by the frustration of not being taken seriously. Soon enough, once you show maturity people will respect it more than if you shout out how many years of experience you have from the roof tops.



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