left confused

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Subalways -> left confused (4/13/2007 6:16:12 AM)
I do not understand how some dominant men can flip like they do. They only want to be a Master when the mood strikes them. The sad truth they are great at times and really lack direction at other moments. Could it be being a full time Master is just to overwhelming? I have struggled with this question for months and I cannot think of one could reason for this. I guess they are really not Master material.

countrygirl69 -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 6:19:00 AM)
I agree totally subalways I suppose they really arent Master material to bad there isnt a wand we could wave over them to know before hand although I suppose that could be said of all things .its just a chance we take

OsideGirl -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 7:08:36 AM)
Men who are Alpha Males, are Alpha Males all the time. It's part of their nature. Many in the scene are not Alpha Males, they have to work at it. It could also be that you have unrealistic expectations. Being in "Master mode" 24/7, 365 days a year is exhausting. Let's face it, real life happens. Most successful D/s relationships that I know: have a 24/7 undercurrent of D/s (think 1950's marriage) with periods of intensity.

Subalways -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 7:12:15 AM)
You are right I think my expectations are much more than anyone could live up to. I think it is his job also he is a Truck Driver and gone all week. I guess I should work more on me and see what happens.

aldompdx -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 7:25:51 AM)
> I do not understand how some dominant men can flip like they do. That is like asking how some coffee cups can be filled with tea at times. The "problem" is not with the man, but with the label -- which often implies desire, expectation, attachment, fanatsy. Every person is different, and has a different "set point" or natural balance along the continuum between control and surender. Additionally, there are different balance points for each level within a person. Further, a person can have switch tendencies at one or more different levels. In my experience, Sub-always and Dom-always, are unrealistic concepts. Flush the toilet, and you have dominated the plumbing. Drive a car, and you have submitted to the "rules of the road." Live in america, and you submit to the tax laws, and more; but you have dominated the government by voting or affirmatively choosing not to. Turn it inside, and there are infinite combinations. First understand both control and surrender aspects that are within yourself. Then it is much easier to understand them in another.

N4SDChastity -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 7:27:03 AM)
SubAlways & CountryGirl69, I think you two are looking at it from the wrong perspective. Say, for instance, that one is a comedian. When you're on stage, or in an environment conducive to a stage(ed) atmosphere, you're "ON." But, you can't be "on" ALL THE TIME. It's too much energy focused on a singular goal for too long a time. Race-car-drivers don't go around "racing" to and from the Quik-E-Mart. They'd scare the crap outta 99% of the rest of the people on the road, and, again, it takes TOO MUCH concentration to do ALL THE TIME. Trapeeze artists don't "tumble" their way down the aisles at Wal-Mart. There are HOURS of prep-work before performing. It takes TOO MUCH concentration to do ALL THE TIME, and they need time to wash their tights. Sadly, you can't just ORDER dirt out of your clothing. And YOU TWO certainly don't address as Master/Mistress, or demure to, EVERY SINGLE PERSON you come into contact with, EVERY SINGLE DAY of the week, do you? It would take TOO MUCH concentration to do ALL THE TIME, and you'd be ridiculed by EVERYONE you know and/or meet. Got children? Any of them "pushy"? Do you subjugate your (sub) personality to THEM, simply because you are sub and they possess an affinity for domminance? Even if you were so inclined, would you do something as retarded as this ALL THE TIME? Their has to be to time to recharge. Try this: For the next hour, every though that pops into your head MUST be SCREAMED, out loud, at the top of your lungs! EVERY ONE! Now, imaging doing that ALL THE TIME. To be "on" all the time would be draining, mentally, physically, and emotionally. BTW, I feel assured, within myself that the two of you have actually done the little test that I have asked of you. Being non-hypocritical subs, you of course ALWAYS comply with things you are directed to do by a Dom, such as myself, right? Now, rest for 5 minutes, then go suck on a cough-drop or piece of hard candy, to soothe your tired throats... Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be "ON," right. Make that: Gargle with a hand-ful of sand and flog yourself until I get back to you. NO CHEATING!!!

Subalways -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 7:37:00 AM)
Ok N4SDChastity in some ways you have a point. But to live with someone who is not consistant is hard on any human being. I know no one can perform all the time. I am talking about the times we are in scene and actually together. As far as labels I know who I am and I do not need anyone to tell me. I think I can figure that one out myself.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 7:38:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Subalways I guess they are really not Master material. In you're mind, they aren't. In their mind, they are. Some people find that this is fun role play. Others find that it is a lifestyle. It seems that you are looking for the latter, so all you have to do is move on when you find that someone else is not. Both ways of approaching WIITWD are valid. Master Fire

Subalways -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 7:41:03 AM)
Very true Masterfiremaam . Thank You

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 7:58:33 AM)
I'd check to make sure that you a) don't have unrealistic expectations b) understand what they consider to be a dom Give yourself time before making a commitment to someone.

N4SDChastity -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 8:02:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Subalways Ok N4SDChastity in some ways you have a point. But to live with someone who is not consistant is hard on any human being. I know no one can perform all the time. I am talking about the times we are in scene and actually together. As far as labels I know who I am and I do not need anyone to tell me. I think I can figure that one out myself. My post WAS simply to make a point, and it appreas to have been taken as such. I was in no way/shape/form attempting to "lable" you. You and I are not in a relationship, so I have no point of reference for any lable that might best "fit," if you will. "IN" scene is differnet, but no terribly so. Unless the activites inolved actually require YOU to DOMME your "Master/Mistress" why can you not assume that their behavior is simply a part of their style, or personality? If this aspect of their "ways" leaves you wanting more I suggest to you that you are sceening with the wrong Master/Mistress. Find a relationship that is more conducive to what it is YOU seek, as a sub. You will be happier, and so will your new Master/Mistress.

Kinkypupper -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 8:27:59 AM)
Sounds like he is playing a bit and cannot get the "role" right

AquaticSub -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 8:31:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Subalways I do not understand how some dominant men can flip like they do. They only want to be a Master when the mood strikes them. The sad truth they are great at times and really lack direction at other moments. Could it be being a full time Master is just to overwhelming? I have struggled with this question for months and I cannot think of one could reason for this. I guess they are really not Master material. Exactly what are you expecting? Like the others, I wonder if your expections at too high, or too wrapped in fantasy. Valyraen owns me quite definately but he doesn't run around shouting about it, or pushing me to my knees in front of company. He makes his "displays" of ownership when he feels like it. Otherwise, I simply am owned as I am his girlfriend - it doesn't require a constent reminder. Or perhaps you want a mirco-managing master? Either way, you can only say that they are not master material for you. Which is all right because the flip could very be true as well.

Subalways -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 8:31:30 AM)
I think he is still in the mindset that he doesnt feeling comfortable with the feelings he has. After sitting here and really giving it a great deal of thought I believe I could give him more assurance. This is the first time into a relationship of this nature for both of us. I think for some to get over that mental block of what is normal is very hard. I think I could give a little more on my end and see what happens. As with anything it takes a lot of time and communication.

AquaticSub -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 8:37:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Subalways I think he is still in the mindset that he doesnt feeling comfortable with the feelings he has. After sitting here and really giving it a great deal of thought I believe I could give him more assurance. This is the first time into a relationship of this nature for both of us. I think for some to get over that mental block of what is normal is very hard. I think I could give a little more on my end and see what happens. As with anything it takes a lot of time and communication. If it's his first time, you should be prepared to be a lot more patient and be pleasently surprised if you don't have to be. I was with Valyraen for over six months before we become 24/7 and I was aware that it might never get there. There are lot of misconceptions floating around out there and he needs to take his time in getting over them. A relationship can only move as quickly as it's slowest partner and still be healthy.

sleazybutterfly -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 8:42:20 AM)
I don't think he isn't "master material", maybe you two just have different expectations on what an M/s is. It really is different for most people and doesn't fit into the box that we want it to. It is confusing, I have been thru it. When M and I moved in together, it wasn't what I expected. I think that he thought it had to be a certain way, and I did also. In the end, we were both confused and pretty much only did the M/s thing in bed. It's hard to have those feelings where you are a slave one minute, but not the next (or treated how you think one should be). It was when we talked about it and realized we don't have to be anything, we can just be ourselves that things started falling back into place with us. I don't need him to make sure I do things, I do them myself. He is the man of the house and doesn't need me kneeling naked when he comes home, he knows I am at his service for whatever he wants. He is who he is, you can't change that anymore than you can change the feelings you have. I know that he is my Master, I don't need him to pound his chest and put on a show everyday. I know what I need to do around the house and when we are together, I don't need that made out in lists or micromanaged at every turn. We all need something different, maybe you do also. Just because he isn't what you think he should be, doesn't make him not a master, it might just mean he isn't the master for you. That happens all of the time with different degrees of control that are taken. I don't think the one that wouldn't let me shut the restroom door to pee, is anymore of a master than mine that gives me total privacy. It's all in how you see things and what you expect in a relationship. Just as I am no less of a slave than one that walks around naked all day with whip marks on her ass. We are what we are, naturally, it's just we all have different desires and needs.

SirDominic -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 8:59:57 AM)
quote: In you're mind, they aren't. In their mind, they are. Some people find that this is fun role play. Others find that it is a lifestyle. It seems that you are looking for the latter, so all you have to do is move on when you find that someone else is not. Both ways of approaching WIITWD are valid. Wellllllll, yes and no. Everything you said I agree with. I don't think you covered all the bases though. There are a lot of pretend Doms out there, who say they are dominant, and give it a good try until they catch a sub. After that their motivation drops, and they begin to slip back into their normal, nondominant character more and more. We have seen more than one person on here asking essentially "What won't my Master dominate as much as he used to?". To subalways, only you can know if your expectations are realistic or not. The important thing, though is not your expectations, but how your expectations relate to his. You need to talk to him about what it is you are looking for, find out what he is looking for. That is the only way to know if your expectations are similar enough to work as a D/s couple. Namaste, Sir Dominic

N4SDChastity -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 9:18:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Subalways ~This is the first time into a relationship of this nature *for both of us*. (emphasis MINE, not OP's) It would have helped us frame our responses more aptly if you had included this tidbit in your orig post...

minnetar -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 12:53:16 PM)
Sir Dominic, Very well stated and the first thing that comes to mind. minnetar

Celeste43 -> RE: left confused (4/13/2007 3:03:38 PM)
Part of being the dominant is that he decides when he wants to take active charge and when he wants to be more laid back. If you feel in need of more direction, you could ask him to slowly add some rules. If you have a set of rules in place, he may be perfectly happy that you are following them and doesn't feel any need to add more and more.

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