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demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 6:50:10 AM

cordelialove

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline

Greetings fellows submissives & slaves, I need a reality check please.

For my background, I've been living with my Master since December, everything has been great we're very happy. We got together originally as Master/slave and He tells the people we meet that I'm His slave. I thought everything was fine and had no idea otherwise.

Last night we were discussing punishments from this forum, at some point he mentioned that I do much better with positive reinforcements than negative, so far so good. Then it somehow went downhill from there and at this point I am forbidden from discussing this with him any further but I'm still hurt and confused so I'm seeking other slaves/submissives point of view to help me cope.

The topic turned into Him mentioning that He did not feel like He was in control of me, as He put it that I didn't obey Him anyway so what point was there of Him wasting his breath telling me what to do. Until He said this I didn't know of any way I had disobeyed, when I asked for any examples He told me that since He had avoided asking me to do anything, I had not ever disobeyed because He had not issued any order to be disobeyed on. Meanwhile all of this time I thought that everything was fine and I'd been happy giving my all to Him and tending to anything He wanted done, so I thought.

Seeing me start to cry on hearing that, He was shocked and said that He was extremely happy with me and didn't want me to change. He said I did not have the personality to become a slave and He wanted me to be a bedroom only sub or a switch. In other words that's what I already was and He was happy that way. Meanwhile He had been looking for another slave for us to play with, which I was happy to go along with until I found out that she wouldn't be a sister slave but that I was to be her top, in other words that she would have all the slave qualities I lacked in His eyes.

As I got more and more tearfully upset, He got very confused and said I was greatly overreacting, that "slave" was merely a label and why shouldn't I be happy with what I really was, a bedroom sub or switch, when it made Him happy for me to be me?

I'm still torn up about this and don't know what to think. If it's only a label and I make Him happy, then why do I feel as if I'd just gotten an excellent job review but fired the next day? Please help.

Post #: 1

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 6:54:14 AM

ayasha

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline

Are you new to the lifestyle, is this your first Dominant? That will help one answer your post.

Thank you, ayasha

one was in a relationship where one could never 'meet His needs'. What this meant was that He did not know how to own a slave; He did not know how to Master a slave, He did not wish to put forth any effort, did not wish to learn or grow. So it was easier for Him to blame it on this one than accept any responsibility Himself. (lol and your 'Master' sounds sooooooooo like one's former Master).

Let's see, you are forbidden from discussing this any further, He doesn't feel in control of you, He can't give you any examples and says that He has never given you orders to obey (so how can you fail?), He is looking for another slave for the two of you to play with and you will be her top? Hmmmmm, isn't that His job - to be the Master to both of you? Does He wish for you to do the job that He is not doing? If He can not Master you how in the heck is He going to Master two of you? one sees this happen far too often.

The sad thing is that so many you talk to will tell you how it is all about serving and pleasing Him - well that is true if you are the slave and He is the Master. That does not seem to be the case here. He is now telling you that you are not what you thought you were, not what you have strived to be. No wonder you are hurt and confused.

you don't have to rush into making any decisions, but you have the right to be happy, the right to serve, the right to be the best you can be - which does not include being told you are 'just a bedroom sub or a switch'. That may make Him happy, but does it make you happy? Does it bring you peace, does it bring you joy, does it fulfill you? If the answer is no, maybe it is time for you to move on. After all, He has told you that you are not a slave so you are free to leave. you are going to have to take charge of your own future here, and decide if and when the time is right for you to move on so that you can be fulfilled and happy.

Good luck...........

< Message edited by ayasha -- 4/13/2007 7:34:58 AM >

(in reply to cordelialove)

Post #: 2

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 7:05:17 AM

lapresence

Posts: 94
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

Hi there,

I'm sorry that you are feeling grief over this. What is it that the title slave means to you? Is it more important for you to be a slave or to please Him?

Now if you have issues with topping another female, I could understand that, and you should discuss that with Him. But I agree with your Master, don't get hung up on titles. Simply serve to the best of your abilities.

I have noticed that subs (and I did this too, so don't take it as an attack) have a preconceived notion about what their service should be, instead of what pleases the Dominant who is being served.

I hope I may have helped a little? I certainly hope I haven't offended you.

(in reply to cordelialove)

Post #: 3

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 7:05:48 AM

WillowRain

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

Dear cordelialove,

Ouch.
"If it's only a label and I make Him happy, then why do I feel as if I'd just gotten an excellent job review but fired the next day? Please help."

If it was me, I would be hurt because I would be hearing, "I like you, but you can't possibly meet my needs." I don't know that your Sir is saying that, but from what you describe, that would be how I would be taking what he said. My feelings would be hurt too, and I would be confused. There aren't any easy answers and you are going to have to talk with your Sir. I really wish you well with this and wish I could ease your hurt and confusion.

All my best in your quest to serve well.

(in reply to cordelialove)

Post #: 4

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 7:14:48 AM

CypherEnigma

Posts: 62
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline

cordelialove,
I have been through something very similar to this before. And it is hard to take. My issue in the end was i did not get to be what i wanted/ felt i was supposed to be. And i felt a failure when one was brought in to "fit my job discription". It caused stress between the Dom and me.( amoung other issues). All i can tell you is try to talk through it. And i wish you the best.

(in reply to WillowRain)

Post #: 5

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 7:45:51 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

There are serious communication problems here. If he is not prepared to clearly state what it is that he wants and expects from you, it's nearly impossible for you to do it. You cannot read his mind any more than he can read yours. If he's not willing to discuss it, it sounds like he's insecure and not willing to 1) look into himself and see why he feels that way and 2) make an attempt at a healthy relationship. It's now up to you to weigh what you're getting out of this. Are you getting a healthy barter or are you selling yourself in order to obtain his approval? The first is healthy, the latter is not.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to cordelialove)

Post #: 6

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 7:46:03 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

quote:

why do I feel as if I'd just gotten an excellent job review but fired the next day?

I felt this way before, though my situation was very different because we didn't have any formal committment. I can understand your confusion, especially since, by your account, he isn't unhappy with you or anything you've done.

In my situation I was "fired," but since your Dominant doesn't want to end the relationship, perhaps you can think of it as a "reassignment" and work within that frame? Perhaps he's aware of strengths that you haven't realized yet and wants you to pursue those.

I dunno.

I hope the situation becomes clearer to you as it evoves. :)

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to cordelialove)

Post #: 7

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 8:04:18 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

There are serious communication problems here. If he is not prepared to clearly state what it is that he wants and expects from you, it's nearly impossible for you to do it. You cannot read his mind any more than he can read yours. If he's not willing to discuss it, it sounds like he's insecure and not willing to 1) look into himself and see why he feels that way and 2) make an attempt at a healthy relationship. It's now up to you to weigh what you're getting out of this. Are you getting a healthy barter or are you selling yourself in order to obtain his approval? The first is healthy, the latter is not.

Master Fire

DITTO!

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 8:06:41 AM

BeltHerr

Posts: 16
Joined: 1/7/2007
From: Nashville, Tn
Status: offline

Although I do agree that as slave you should try to accommodate yourself to what your Master needs. However, the Master certainly has to let, or make- you undertand what it is He does want, by word or in action. However demanding a Master is, it is his/her responsibility to permit and foster the blossoming of his partner as a slave. After all, 'slave' is what you are, what he took you as, how he introduced you to others.

I think every sub/slave has the right to be fulfilled in his/her surrender, as the Dom has the right to be fulfilled in his/her mastery, with the obligation to make that happen on both sides.

you have the right to expect more, and certainly the right to express your situation to him, without complaint, but clearly. And, the right to expect a response.

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 9

HE CARES - 4/13/2007 8:17:26 AM

kiyari

Posts: 631
Status: offline

Sounds to me as though he CARES for you... and slaves are unworthy of heartful caring, is that your take?

For me, this would be a Good Thing, as I have not comprehension of the "little-i" lowly SLAVE mentality.

He is raising your status to what I have seen in here as "Alpha", whether sub or slave.

Seems to me that you could best please Him by accepting this honor... if it is a world of confusion to you, then do find some way to let him know that you two need a space of 'off the record' communications, to find the happy medium, or to discover whether between you, there is or is not a middle ground that will well serve the both of you.

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to cordelialove)

Post #: 10

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 8:28:05 AM

zindyslave

Posts: 601
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline

I agree with BeltHerr, he needs to let you know what he expects. How can you obey or disobey when you don't know what to do? If it doesn't fulfill you then you should talk to him and see if he will discuss this with you.

_____________________________

http://www.myspace.com/zindygirl

Only when you see the invisible can you do the impossible.

(in reply to BeltHerr)

Post #: 11

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 8:33:57 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

I am very confused as to why he feels he does not have control of you when he does not issue any orders. If you have given him no reason to believe you would disobey, it's possible he doesn't know what he wants.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to cordelialove)

Post #: 12

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 2:21:15 PM

Lythe

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline

It seems to me that you two are having communication problems. I think not talking about it is the worst thing you can do at this point though since you are forbidden to bring it up it seems you are a bit stuck.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 13

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 3:30:16 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Well since you've been demoted from a slave, I'd make it clear he was demoted from being a master. Quite honestly, he never asked you to do anything, he won't let you discuss it, he isn't capable of training a slave. I wouldn't submit anymore and make it clear to him. That means that since he wanted me an equal, I would have no problem constantly saying "Since you're up, would you get me a ..." He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Oh, and since I wasn't a real submissive I wouldn't agree to him seeing anyone else.

But I don't submit to people I can't respect. And someone who would blame all his shortcomings on me is certainly someone I wouldn't respect.

(in reply to Lythe)

Post #: 14

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 3:42:08 PM

subsa

Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

i think the best approach to take is to use this as an opportunity to define your relationship. take away the labels and discuss what each of you would like to give and get from the relationship. once you determine that you can call it whatever you two want. the only thing i would add is that until this relationship is worked out and stable it is proably not a good idea to bring in a third. that will only complicate the existing relationship and (in my opinion) is likely to end in failure.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 15

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 3:45:00 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

This makes my heart hurt. I am sorry, cordelia. ~sad eyes~ I wish I could muster some outrage or advice but all I can do is feel pain for you. I wish you well.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 16

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 4:05:10 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lythe

It seems to me that you two are having communication problems. I think not talking about it is the worst thing you can do at this point though since you are forbidden to bring it up it seems you are a bit stuck.

Actually, since he told her she's only a bedroom sub, then she has no reason to obey any more. He's only a bedroom dom too. And therefore he can't forbid her to do or so anything.

(in reply to Lythe)

Post #: 17

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 4:28:47 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

Seems a bit passive-aggressive to me to not give you orders and then tell you you're not capable of obeying them.

I can't imagine being forbidden to discuss things any further. This is someone you're supposed to be able to trust and submit to...I'd want open communication, first and foremost. On that point, there are times when my Daddy has forbidden me from discussing a topic "for now" but by the next day we're ready to rehash everything.

Granted, I can't measure your relationship by my own...but you seem to have a lot of questions that only the two of you can answer.

And, I'm not even going to touch bringing the poor third person into this mess.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to cordelialove)

Post #: 18

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 5:16:59 PM

Rose4Mistress

Posts: 162
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline

It sounds like he is the one in need of a reality check...
In my opinion, if a Master does not feel in control of his slave for whatever reason, they need to have a talk about it. And if he refuses to discuss that with you, this makes me think he is not very confident in his own status as a Master.
I wish the best of luck to you, and hopefully you will be able to get things straightened out so that everyone can be happy.

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 19

RE: demoted from slave? - 4/13/2007 5:19:34 PM

Stranger1

Posts: 219
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline

Why is the role validation more important to you emotionally, than the overall relationship with him?

Have you really LOST something? And WHO was it of value to?

(in reply to cordelialove)

Post #: 20

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