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ravenna -> RE: A Guilt Problem (4/25/2005 9:47:51 PM)
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Before i was enslaved i felt enormous "guilt" for every step i took away from being what i knew, and had always known, that i was supposed to be: a sex slave. Being true to what i was meant to be, what God made me after all, has ended the guilt. i don't feel guilty about being a slave anymore, because i know i am now what i was meant to be.
But what i do feel, what i will probably always feel, is shame. i'm a Catholic, i'm proud to be a Catholic, but along with my faith part of what i received from my church and my family in childhood was the sense of burning shame for my sexual nature, for expressing my real sexuality, shame for my submission and surrender, shame for my eagerness to be owned, shame for my embrace of my enslavement, shame for my openness to sensations and experiences and desires that most of my family (and the world at large) would call shameful. In practice much of what i do every day and night is a sin in my church and an occasion for shame. But i go to Mass, i take Communion, i go to confession, and no, it doesn't take all day, smartypants! i simply confess that i have committed the sin of fornication since my last confession, if the priest wants a number i make a guesstimate, he almost never wants the details, if he does i offer some, he'll stop me when he's heard enough, it's usually sufficient to specify that the fornication was out of wedlock and sometimes involved birth control, and then i do my penance, usually something i can do in church on my knees (and get your minds out of the gutter, you guys), and i am forgiven. i feel better for making an honest confession (of sorts), the priest feels better, life goes on -- and i make my real confession to Christ every night and day, and i know my Saviour does forgive me for being the sinful creature He made.
But what has truly saved me from being crippled by shame is my masters' training, especially my master Michelangelo, who comes from the same background and loves it and rebels against it in much the same way i do. He taught me to experience my shame as just another emotion, an emotion ultimately not different from and not superior to my lust, my desires, my twisted sexual curiosity, my burning hunger to open and submit and obey, my overwhelming drive to be owned and enslaved and to serve my owners, to turn myself inside out for them, and most of all an emotion that does not trump my owners' emotions and needs and demands; even an emotion not different from pain and humiliation and degradation and objectification, all of which i am deeply drawn to. He has trained me to accept all these emotions and sensations, to say yes to them but not to let them rule me, to let myself feel them all fully, to let my surrender bypass all other emotions, to wallow in them all at the same time, and to press through them, to submit not just in spite of my shame, but to use the shame to deepen my surrender and make it richer and more complex and (to my owners) more valuable. They say that real courage is not the absence of fear, but feeling the fear and still doing what must be done, no matter what. Well, this is my version of courage: My masters have trained me to live a life of sexual enslavement and surrender that is not the absence of shame, but feeling the shame, reveling in it, pushing through it, and still submitting to them, no matter what.
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