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RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 9:23:33 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		My husband showed his submissive nature before I even met him. We were at a dungeon opening party. When I first saw him, he was serving and being attentive to the women. (The other subs were off socializing or standing around in groups.) His attitude caught my eye. And it turned out to not just be "party behaviour.." His idea of dealing with a woman is to focus on her, anticipate her needs and fulfill them. He is polite, lets her lead the conversation and make the decisions. He also puts aside his needs and wants to make sure mine are satisfied. Some might consider his behaviour to be chivalrous.

Now, from what you wrote, you're not submissive to her. You want to meet and learn to submit to her. But from what you said she said, she wants someone who is already a submissive. You have opposite expectations of how the relationship should progress. While neither of you is right or wrong, either you clear this up prior to meeting or you will both be disappointed.

And personally, I'm in her camp. I passed over many subs like you to find one that already displayed the characteristics I wanted in a mate.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 9:27:20 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		I personally think that if you wait that long to start demonstrating that you have a submissive side, she'll be long gone.  (But that's just me....)

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 9:32:34 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		I've got the kevlar blanket for you.  No flames from me, that's for sure.  This was a brilliantly written repsonse!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 9:35:14 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

Thank you for your responses. But for clarification my being submissive isn't a choice, it's the way I'm hardwired, the way I have to express myself and my feelings to feel fulfilled and happy.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough in my original posting, I am submissive to her, her word is already my law. Our relationship will be as she wants it, if she asks me to do something I do it and I do it willingly, because she wants it, but at the moment I can only show my submission in small, limited ways, as there isn't any way of showing my submission either on a bigger scale or more than she actually requires.

Right at the start once we cleared up the gender perception issue I've always tried to make it clear to her that my role in our relationship will be the submissive one, I'm open, honest, emotionally transparent, and explained that my submission will grow over time, is there to be shaped and modified by her to suit her needs and desires, and as far as possible it will be total so that it completely satiates any desire or need she has to be dominant.

I know that face to face in real time I won't have an issue with being submissive or submitting the way she wants, because that is the role we both want, it was clear from the start and it was what I agreed to right at the start of our correspondence. She is into control, I am into being controlled, but this is the first time I'm having to develop such a relationship over a long distance having only the Internet, e-mails and IMs.

Sometimes I wonder whether what I am doing is enough, or whether it is going in a direction that she wants- and these are my doubts and concerns. I wouldn't be happy for her to have to compromise what she wants just to be with me, but I do genuinely want her to be happy with me and to not only be in the dominant role but to feel that she is being herself in the dominant role and to feel that she is happy being herself in the dominant role with me.

I was just wondering if and where I could be going wrong, if anywhere.

This wasn't really a clarification to what many had questioned: What did she mean by "you're not very submissive."???  Clearly, she said it for a reason -- that you're not meeting up to her expectations for what that should look like at this point in time.  So what is that expectation and how is it being failed?

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 11:29:04 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

I personally think that if you wait that long to start demonstrating that you have a submissive side, she'll be long gone.  (But that's just me....)


....and Me.......

quote:

 
This wasn't really a clarification to what many had questioned: What did she mean by "you're not very submissive."???  Clearly, she said it for a reason -- that you're not meeting up to her expectations for what that should look like at this point in time.  So what is that expectation and how is it being failed?


Ditto. (and thanks, MisPandora!)
TM

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 11:33:06 AM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		stella,
 
You need to be aware that I am not necessarily pointing a finger at you, and I don't believe other Dominas responding to this thread are either.  We are trying to get to the crux of the reason your Lady would say you do not seem submissive to her, and why you would entitle your thread, "When should I start showing my submission".  Our natural first response would be, why aren't you already showing that submission?  Both of these items are very telling, and we try to build a response from  those two most major of clues. 
I do understand that you may not be able to physically demonstrate submission in many ways since you are so geographically distanced.  Perhaps it is something in your demeanor, or a certain independence you automatically exhibit because you are not side by side as yet.  I truly do not know.  But there is something that is bothering Her. 
I agree with MsPandora.  You need to ask your Lady why she feels you are not submissive, (ask for examples!) and you need to examine your own behavior to try to figure out what it is you may be doing, or holding back, or reserving for the future when you feel more confident or more secure, and work from there.
Something is not satisfactory on Her side, and if that is not going well, it soon won't be going well on your side either. 
Good luck.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 2:51:11 PM   
stella40


Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline 		Thank you once again everyone for your postings and advice.

I think I chose an inappropriate title for this posting. Am I submissive? Yes I am. But this isn't either a cyber relationship or a relationship that's based on BDSM play. If I were in the same place as my Domme and we were meeting for play this posting wouldn't exist because it would be pretty clear which role I would be expected to fulfil - the submissive one. But although this is at present an online relationship it is not defined as an online relationship, but this is merely a stage in the whole relationship and is just online due to circumstances until I can get to meet my Domme. I somehow don't see how me being submissive online and constantly repeating 'Yes Mistress, yes Mistress' is going to progress the relationship.

I have discussed with my Domme her doubts and she knows of this posting (along with my others) and has also read the responses and we are talking. We are both playing for the high stakes - a permanent 24/7 Dominant-submissive relationship, but not one based purely on 24/7 BDSM play, but a relationship based on D/s values and elements.

These are my doubts. I have it easier, I am the submissive, and when it comes down to it I guess the bottom line is always going to be on the principle 'do as you are told to do'. This isn't therefore an issue as to whether I am submissive, I am submissive and have experience of being submissive. My expectations from this relationship when I first started out no longer exist, our relationship is being shaped and defined by my Domme.

But what should really be the basis of the relationship? Is the degree to which I am submissive to my Domme really more important than her knowledge of who she has got as her submissive? And what importance has friendship? Communication? Trust? Confidence? Mutual interests?

The basis of my Domme's experience has been play, and meeting submissives for play, and finding her fulfilment through these meetings. However when the play ends my Domme was probably thanked, the submissive left and went home, and my Domme was left alone to clean up after the session and probably went to bed alone. This is probably a common experience for most Dommes. But my question is what next? What happens afterwards? What about when you are not playing?

I am aware that I may never reach a point where I will feel I know my Domme enough, that each and every day, as it has been right from the start, is a new day and I will learn something new about her. I see my submission as a gradual process, something I have to work on and develop under the guidance and control of my Domme, something which evolves, develops. A normal long term relationship requires hard work and commitment, more so if it has a D/s element. I constantly ask myself the question if I can provide the mental stimulation and progression that a Domme not only looks for but needs to be able to sustain the relationship.

I guess what I'm looking for is something which ticks all the boxes. I'm looking to inspire confidence in my Domme that I am the submissive for her so that she has no doubt as to whether I am being submissive or not. I've suggested writing a daily journal, which I send to her each day, which records what I do,what I have done, my thoughts and feelings, and which she has accepted.

I'm trying to look at the reality of the situation we are in. We have Collarme, e-mail, Yahoo! Messenger, but it's still online, and it's limited. Everything she's asked for I'm doing, this daily journal was about the only thing I could think about, without getting into the online 'Yes Mistress, yes Mistress' routine. I guess I'm looking for ways that I can inspire confidence in her and show my submission in small but meaningful ways.

But then again, I also realise that this is a new situation for her, and what I am offering (and what she is seeking) is quite different from her previous relationships or meetings with submissives. Maybe I am asking too much from her, and from myself, maybe I should allow her to find her own learning curve and to have her own doubts, but just to give her time and be there for her if and when she wants to discuss these issues.

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.


(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 3:51:29 PM   
MistressLorelei


Posts: 997
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		I think a power exchange evolves over time and develops much stronger and more quickly in real-time scenarios.  Online often  carries with it an element of 'game' or uncertainty, even when both people are sincere in their desires. 

Some submissives are indeed exhibiting their natural submissive nature by proceeding with caution; by not knowing what to do or expect, and by being uncertain of what she may want and expect from you.   Perhaps you need more guidance from her so that you may cross obstacles which stand in your way. 

Perhaps write to her in detail at the end of each day, telling her your thoughts and bringing her into your mind so that she can get a clearer picture of you.  Often you discover things within yourself that could be holding you back.  If she is thinking you aren't showing her all that she wants, and you aren't certain what that is or how to be it.... work on closing that gap which stands between you so that her needs are being met, and you are fulfilled in meeting those needs. 

Maintain communication, be attentive and realize that when distance is involved, you need to show her even more that you want to be hers.... and the same is true for her, in mirror image. 

Those are my thoughts anyway... 

< Message edited by MistressLorelei -- 4/15/2007 4:05:54 PM >

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 3:55:12 PM   
NakedGirlScout


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		Far from being flamed, You have said exactly what I would have said (but you've said it better, and with better grammar).

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

I'm sure I'll get flamed for My personal penchant for protocol here, but you asked, so I'll answer:


(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 4:10:55 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Why can't you also talk on the telephone? That's also a little more intimate.
I am not sure I am understanding your situation, but if she's hinting or indicating that you are not being submissive enough but you feel like you've done everything, she might be looking for some sort of a gesture that is kind, sincere, generous (of the heart) and comes without being "ordered" to.  Send her flowers, hand write a poem and mail it, or send her a small stuffed animal.  Whatever fits your personality.

I had a difficult long distance relationship for 2 years that was mostly over the phone, and what made it much more bearable were him sending videos/photos every single day to me, writing stories for me, and sending small care packages that included things like a flannel shirt he wore or a small gift (under $5) he picked up when thinking of me.

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: When should I start showing my submission to my Domme? - 4/15/2007 4:25:43 PM   
stella40


Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Why can't you also talk on the telephone? That's also a little more intimate.
I am not sure I am understanding your situation, but if she's hinting or indicating that you are not being submissive enough but you feel like you've done everything, she might be looking for some sort of a gesture that is kind, sincere, generous (of the heart) and comes without being "ordered" to.  Send her flowers, hand write a poem and mail it, or send her a small stuffed animal.  Whatever fits your personality.

I had a difficult long distance relationship for 2 years that was mostly over the phone, and what made it much more bearable were him sending videos/photos every single day to me, writing stories for me, and sending small care packages that included things like a flannel shirt he wore or a small gift (under $5) he picked up when thinking of me.

Akasha



We've been doing this for a couple of days over a month. So far we have 2,000 minutes of phone calls to our credit.

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.


(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 31
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