Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (Full Version)

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jbll -> Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/15/2007 5:21:02 AM)

The following question is mainly for those Femdoms that are married to or have a very close boyfriend that is your submissive, though opinions from others with different views are also appreciated.

Let's accept, for this discussion, that a marriage or long term relationship, implies love and respect and equality between partners – this is the television definition, but most people would agree.


How can you justify partaking in any of the following, that I pulled off this site after a random walk?

Pain and maybe damage category: Canes and Crops, CBT, Electrical Play, Face Slapping, Fire Play, Gags, Hair Pulling, Knife Play, Needle Play, Orgasm Denial, Sensory Deprivation, Spanking, Toilet Service/slavery, Whips

Humiliation category: Begging, Collars, Leashes, Watersports


Don’t feel threatened or that I am being judgmental. I am just curious, especially if and how people can inflict pain, draw blood, leave marks or relieve themselves upon a person at one moment and still love and respect the person they are tormenting at a later time. It seems from reading other posts by Femdoms that this can be done and even is preferred. That is, that some Femdoms can only ‘hurt the ones they love’ or respect.



MstrssPassion -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/15/2007 5:24:11 AM)

because my partner loves it when I do these things

To understand why we do what we do you must understand why those we do it with also enjoy it.

Then you need to understand what is that you are hoping to acheive with all these things that you can do.

This is not something that can not be asked in a simple question nor can it be addressed in a simple reply. It takes many people who are actively pursuing & living this "lifestyle" years to come up with these answers.



BeatMeDaily -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/15/2007 5:28:57 AM)

exactly, I love pain and it turns me on, more than just sexually. A Mistress who is willing
and likes to inflict pain on myself is what i like.  After a session like that, i feel closer
to Her than ever before, the TPE is what i like (Total Power Exchange)



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/15/2007 5:30:47 AM)

jbll, let's put this in a different light and see if it makes sense to you.
 
Let's say your SO really enjoys long sessions of oral sex, lots of kissing through out the day leading up to a passionate evening. And let's say that you also enjoy those things. Can you do that and still continue to love and respect her/him? It's the same thing, just different activities. For some a five minute blow job is all they need to be happy, for others the sensations need to be much stronger. Different strokes... you know? In both case you are just doing what the other really enjoys, you are giving them pleasure and gaining pleasure in the process. Make sense?
 
Jewel



earthycouple -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/15/2007 10:15:18 AM)

We are all different.  What is unbearable pain to you is a turn on for another.  What is humiliating for you might be a sexual charge for another. 

I can be fairly extreme at times and once had a sub who loved to endure pain.  Over the course of a few weeks I carved, using an Xacto knife, a "D" in his thigh.  I would carve, swipe with alcohol, carve and so forth.  The entire time I did this his cock remained rock hard and we had amazing sex after I finished carving at each session.  He got off on the pain, I got off on administering it.  It was completely and totally a power exchange that gave us both excitement.  Now, am I going to do this with EVERY sub? No.  Would I do it with another who enjoys it so?  Absolutely! 

Now just to shake you up a bit more....I often licked the dripping blood from his thigh.  *Of course safe applies here and we were both health concious and free from health problems*  Oh how I miss him sometimes.

So you don't wonder if I chased him away by slicing and dicing him....we broke up because we lived in different states and were both single parents.  It was simply too difficult for us.  To this day I know he has a "D" carved on his hip in honor of the loving beautiful relationship we had.

D~



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/15/2007 6:21:46 PM)

BDSM activities are just another way we can express our love for each other, and the power exchange enhances our relationship.  As many have stated here, if he didn't desire those things, I wouldn't be able to do them and enjoy the experience. 

Be well,
Julie



AAkasha -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/15/2007 7:52:29 PM)


I have always loved the idea of surrender and felt nothing but admiration and lust (or, in some cases, love) for a man that is willing to endure things for me because he wants to please me.  My respect for him, regardless, comes much more from the way he treats me on a daily basis than from how he reacts when I torment him.  It's all one, wonderful ball of wax anyway.

Akasha



Misstoyou -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/15/2007 8:04:54 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: jbll

Let's accept, for this discussion, that a marriage or long term relationship, implies love and respect and equality between partners ...



One can have love and respect without equality, and I certainly can love and respect a man who takes my torment, in whatever way I choose to administer it, just because it makes me happy... for whatever perverse reason. [:D]



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/15/2007 8:42:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbll

Let's accept, for this discussion, that a marriage or long term relationship, implies love and respect and equality between partners – this is the television definition, but most people would agree.


How can you justify partaking in any of the following, that I pulled off this site after a random walk?

Pain and maybe damage category: Canes and Crops, CBT, Electrical Play, Face Slapping, Fire Play, Gags, Hair Pulling, Knife Play, Needle Play, Orgasm Denial, Sensory Deprivation, Spanking, Toilet Service/slavery, Whips

Humiliation category: Begging, Collars, Leashes, Watersports



Because this is the accepted by society mainstream "television" definition of marriage or as it applies to a long term relationship.  You said it yourself, and then you ask us to accept this definition for the purpose of this discussion.  You are asking a group of people who are involved in a completely different and not mainstream style of life. 
*EQUALITY* does not exist in the D/s and M/s relationships we discuss here. 
It is understood that these activites are part of this lifestyle for many.  They may be worked out on an individual basis for each individual relationshjip, but if they were not mutually fulfilling in some way, then the couple or whatever dynamic with however many people involved, should not be together. 



Lashra -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/15/2007 9:29:13 PM)

Because my sub/boyfriend loves when I do these things to him he is a masochist and I am a sadist, I enjoy doing them to him. I leave no permanent damage and he happily wears the temporary marks of our passion.

For some people bruises and welts are foreplay. To each their own.

~Lashra



MariaB -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/16/2007 1:50:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbll

Don’t feel threatened or that I am being judgmental. I am just curious, especially if and how people can inflict pain, draw blood, leave marks or relieve themselves upon a person at one moment and still love and respect the person they are tormenting at a later time. It seems from reading other posts by Femdoms that this can be done and even is preferred. That is, that some Femdoms can only ‘hurt the ones they love’ or respect.



Hi jbll

I need to ask you, why do you think a dominant enjoys doing these things?
I find it interesting that you use the word ‘relieve’ do you think that is what its all about?



canupleaseme -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/16/2007 2:49:37 AM)

I can do those things because we love each other.  We got together because doing those things are what floats our boat.  Flogging or whipping or cbt doesnt make me love him anyless or see him as less significant in our relationship.  The fact that he allows me to do such things to him shows his love for me and visa versa.  Everything we do is out of love and because thats what we both need[:)]



MistressLorelei -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/16/2007 7:03:17 AM)

We are all wired differently.  I spent years and years thinking something was wrong with me as vanilla sex never contained the complete passion that I thought a relationship should have.  When I discovered bdsm, I was thrilled that not only was I 'normal', but that there were partners who desired to be on the other end of what I felt I needed to give in a relationship

Most everyone in the world expresses their intimacy with intercourse and vanilla sex/contact and little else.  But in our world, we can go so much deeper to feel that connection.   Pain, pleasure, surrender, yearning, passion deep from within the soul.... shared by two (or three or four) in ways that most people can't and will never understand.  I wouldn't share this experience with just anyone, but only one(s) I care for beyond superficial intimacy, whose needs are being met in all that I can give him.



LaMistressa -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/16/2007 7:35:51 AM)

Is this a trick question or something?

I do it because I love it and he loves it.



thetammyjo -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/16/2007 9:25:36 AM)

Because for me, these activities (not all of which all of do by the way) are examples of profound trust between two people.  The people I trust most are those I love and am loved by most in return.

I can't imagine doing any of those things with someone I didn't at the minimum like a great deal and consider a friend.



Domin8tingUrDrmz -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/16/2007 9:58:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbll

Don’t feel threatened or that I am being judgmental. I am just curious, especially if and how people can inflict pain, draw blood, leave marks or relieve themselves upon a person at one moment and still love and respect the person they are tormenting at a later time. It seems from reading other posts by Femdoms that this can be done and even is preferred. That is, that some Femdoms can only ‘hurt the ones they love’ or respect.



Hi jbll

I need to ask you, why do you think a dominant enjoys doing these things?
I find it interesting that you use the word ‘relieve’ do you think that is what its all about?



I believe he intended the word "relieve" to mean urinating.  



Elorin -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/16/2007 6:38:14 PM)

I feel like the key part of this question is an unspoken assumption on the part of the OP: you seem to feel that you have to despise someone in order to do these things to them.

I don't piss on someone and then love them LATER...I love them before, during, and after. I love them for not judging me for liking pissing on them, I love them for laughing, grinning, and getting hard or wet (well, wet in more than one way) while I piss on them, and I love them afterwards when they come chasing after me to give me a big pissy smelling hug. There is no suspension of love or respect.

Some of the things listed in "Pain and maybe damage" I would ONLY do with someone I loved. None of them will I do with someone I do not respect and trust. Part of why they trust me is that they know I have taken time to learn these things, therefore the risk of damage is minimized. But the pleasure of causing the pain is that they enjoy the pain, or that enduring the pain brings them pleasure in another way (joy to be of service, joy in being pleasing). It isn't all about me being cruel, and it's never about me despising them.

Orgasm denial and sensory deprivation are hot because of what comes as a result of those actions, heightened sensitivity and awareness, mind racking orgasms that you would not believe.

And in the humiliation category, I make someone I love beg because he begs beautifully. And because I know that the place his mind goes when he begs is one he likes, and one I like too.

~E



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/16/2007 6:45:07 PM)

Angel isnt my boyfriend, but he and I are extremely close.  I do not physicaly harm him, but I do humiliate and degrade him.  And I would never trust myself to do so if I didnt love and respect him.  I know which buttons to push to get the proper responses and which to steer clear of.  I know how to coddle him after the fact and make everything all better.  I would never HARM him, but I can hurt him. Why, becasue it is what he needs. Psychologically and emotinoally, it is through having his inadequacies pointed out that he is pushed to work harder on what he is good at to make up for his short comings. He knows I love him, and that anything I would degrade him for isnt going to change that fact. He knows hat I dont expect him to be anything less than disappointing in some areas, and reminding him that he has not surprised me has done wonders for his abilities in other places. 
Were I ever concerned that there was actual damage done, I would not only stop, but I would make sure that it was eplained and he knew how I felt. We have been through alot together and at this point, we can read one anotehr fairly well. But the need he has for these actions outweighs the negative effects they would ahve for anyone else.  Personally, they wouldnt do much for me if they didnt have such a major effect on him.  But since they do, they hav become a big part of our lives.

DV



lockedaway -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/16/2007 6:48:35 PM)

DiurnalVampire, You sound like a wonderful Mistress.  Humiliation can be a very effective tool in shaping a sub and, if it is done right, it can be very bonding.



jbll -> RE: Femdom - tormenting/humilaition and love/respect? (4/18/2007 2:48:10 PM)

Hi Maria,

Just reading through some of the responses here indicates some femdoms do enjoy tormenting and humilating. My question arrose though as I read through other postings under various topics, where I saw expressions of enjoyment.

Relieve does mean urinate in this case as somebody already recognized.

Thanks to all for your responses.



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