RE: What is in the closet?

RE: What is in the closet? (Full Version)

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cjenny -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/16/2007 9:55:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: selfbnd411 quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny So do you think that is true? IOW, would the reception be different if I said 'yo Mother I am a dominant strong female' vs 'yo Mother I am a submissive happiest with a strong man'.? My family doesn't know, but there is a difference I think. As a guy, it seems that there's more respect and firewalls for my privacy. If I want to talk about something that's fine, but they generally won't ask questions. It's not the same for my sisters. Ah, I grew up as the youngest in an all girl family so I am personally unfamiliar with how different sexes are treated within a family unit... interesting, and close to what I thought. Possibly protectiveness towards the females? I think it's a better question to ask about whether there's a difference when telling friends, though. I talk about sex with friends, but not with my parents. I don't want to know what my parents do and they probably don't want to know what I do. =) Friends really don't matter as much to me in this regard. New friends can be made but I'm stuck with the folks I was born to lol. I DON'T want my family to think I'm some kind of helpless doormat freak that cannot manage on her own [:(] but apparently it is easy to view someone who is sub as someone who is also incapable. Honestly if I could I would take back that conversation with my sister in a heartbeat. I don't think I can ever get them to see that I am strong, that I am okay... and that I am submissive. It isn't like I announced that the flogger is my friend (hehehe), I just said that I don't want to hold the reins. This whole thing is snowballing so so quickly.. now a family member called me to make sure I still run my own finances. Sheesh. ~~~it makes me feel like that there is something wrong with me~~~ I know it is THEIR perception of an alt lifestyle but jeez I thought saying what I said was pretty tame! I just keep wondering.. if my name were John instead of Jenny.. what would have happened. If I had said 'Gimme the control'. Eeep I didn't mean to go on so much. [sm=boohoo.gif]I'm done for now!

ExSteelAgain -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/16/2007 10:41:40 AM)
I mean how the fuck do you let her family know that you do BDSM things to her? I think it is best to be discreet, bigtime.

selfbnd411 -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/16/2007 1:19:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny Honestly if I could I would take back that conversation with my sister in a heartbeat. I don't think I can ever get them to see that I am strong, that I am okay... and that I am submissive. It isn't like I announced that the flogger is my friend (hehehe), I just said that I don't want to hold the reins. This whole thing is snowballing so so quickly.. now a family member called me to make sure I still run my own finances. Sheesh. So exactly how much did you tell her? You literally told her you didn't want to hold the reins, or did you go into more detail about being a submissive? I'm surprised that your rather innoculous statement triggered a family crisis. Anyway, I just came out to a female friend of mine in email. She's been a good friend, a bit older and a great deal wiser. Fingers crossed that she'll understand! Back to your question, though...I wouldn't come out to a guy. Not at this point, because telling a guy that you're submissive carries the risk of being seen as a wuss.

cjenny -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/16/2007 1:24:36 PM)
Yup I literally said that lol. Of course the conversation continued for a bit, I mentioned that I am most comfortable when I know certain things are taken care of by my partner and other fairly innocous comments. Nothing about discipline, sex.. kink, no buzz words like dom or sub. My family is a wee bit hyper on self sufficiency, apparently my words were akin to some sort of familial blasphemy. Now I am trying to figure out how to minimise the damage without having to act as someone I am not. Ah I am glad they all live in different states!

selfbnd411 -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/16/2007 1:41:21 PM)
Wow Cheers for family overreactions! At least you tested the waters and you know where you stand. Maybe you should just claim to have been misunderstood. "Oh, I just meant things like what hotel to stay at while on vacation..." Good luck w/ the family!

Xeandra -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/16/2007 3:01:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny Bounty, and others... I am curious about something. Do you (general) think that there is a difference between the sexes in coming out? Or is there a difference between someone coming out as a dominant vs coming out as slave or submissive? Struggling again for clarity lol. Is a female or male perceived by the 'nilla world in a different manner if they declare themselves as submissive? So many seem to see those that are sub slave, bottom as someone who is weak-willed or unable to take care of themselves.. So do you think that is true? IOW, would the reception be different if I said 'yo Mother I am a dominant strong female' vs 'yo Mother I am a submissive happiest with a strong man'.? I do think ther is a baias.. I had en elementery school reuoionin that i went to and everyone kept asking me what it do i told them all that I was a pro domme we laoughs for alot of minutes they knew i was serious but as usual just thought it was about beatings it told them there is alot more involved and it certinly dosen't mean im a prosititute. I think I unnerved them all but i warend them ticwe and they contnued to bother me so out i came. three were only teo that were really upset about it . but you can't win them all.

Tristan -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/16/2007 3:44:37 PM)
I've never seen the need to talk about what happens in the bedroom. Sure, I've talked about sex and stuff like that. I don't hide anything, but I also don't go out of my way to talk about specifics either. Most people would not understand so why bother bringing this stuff up? I save the specifics for other people in the lifestyle. It is nice to talk to others who share a common interest. As for the lifestyle relationships, I think you can have a D/s relationship without it seeming out of the ordinary. There is no need to use lifestyle protocol or terms in public. Just be respectful. I occasionally see lifestyle people in public, and it always seems contrieved or artifical. Tristan

Griswold -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/16/2007 4:00:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Xeandra Ok I know the term is kinda odd applied here. The only people that don't know im into D/s or bdsm is my parents. So id say that im not really in the closet since they obviosly have no need to know what i do in the bedroom. My question is though how may of us are in the closet with whom and what keeps you there or what has opened you up? (I've actually told your parents).

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/17/2007 7:02:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny Yup I literally said that lol. Of course the conversation continued for a bit, I mentioned that I am most comfortable when I know certain things are taken care of by my partner and other fairly innocous comments. Nothing about discipline, sex.. kink, no buzz words like dom or sub. My family is a wee bit hyper on self sufficiency, apparently my words were akin to some sort of familial blasphemy. Now I am trying to figure out how to minimise the damage without having to act as someone I am not. Ah I am glad they all live in different states! Could you maybe revisit the conversation with her and slip in there that what you meant was in regards to sex? It is my understanding (and of course I could be wrong) that it is generally accepted in the vanilla world that most women want to be "taken" or ravaged by their partner in a Fabio, romance novel sort of way.. Like "i'm saying NO but what I mean is YES, and OMG I pray he doesn't stop.. Some sort of damage control so you don't have to go through all the crap? When I was 19 I was involved with a guy who worked at a nightclub. He was my first love. He also introduced me to this lifestyle. One night at about 1:00 am my DAD shows up at the club to drag me home. Apparently, sister told my dad some details of my relationship with him. "He hits her and she loves it." What sucked most about that was that my sister was totally wrong! He never hit or hurt me and I wouldn't have liked it if he did. He forced me to do many nasty, slutty things for him and I fucking loved it!!

Elorin -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/17/2007 11:01:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny On the other, it is a personal thing. I don't usually discuss sex or relationships with family. 'Til last week heh, I told a sister that (struggling for exact words..) 'I prefer not to be holding the reins in a relationship, I am more comfortable and happy if I can leave certain details up to someone else'. Can we say.................... Family Intervention? It is 'set up' for mid summer when the whole happy clan gets together to try and save the deviant daughter dancing down dark dreams. Ugh. Any tips are so so welcome. Please. My advice? Tell them "the way that I choose to live my life is my business, and not yours." Do research on abuse vs. BDSM and bring it with you. Possibly bring up things like the Surrendered Wife or whatever that book is, which might downplay it to your family. I was much luckier in coming out to my family. The year that my mother lived with me she ended up being the one taking pictures of me being fire cupped during a fire play demo at my house....can we say she was pretty accepting? Dad disagrees and wisely keeps his mouth shut. My disapproving sister disowned me. My brother thought having a sister in law on our side was cool, especially since he doesn't have any brothers. Best wishes in the intervention. ~E

adoracat -> RE: What is in the closet? (4/18/2007 3:54:37 AM)
i dont fit in with my family. at all. mama has called me "changeling" all my life, and has told me on many occasions "if you werent the ONLY baby in the hospital, i would be SURE you were not mine!" grins i offered to tell mama who her daughter is the last time i was home. she HASTILY declined. maybe it was the wicked grin on my face, maybe it was the stance i had taken last year when Lord Fallcon had offered to go to see my family with me "and fend off the idiots" and i had told her flat out we'd be sharing the same room. he was not my husband. wolf is and has been for some nearly 15 years now. she knows me enough that when i get a certain look in my eye, she does NOT wish to hear whats coming next. same thing with satan, she's another one that makes mama nervous. of course the LAST time satan (my grown kid's nickname) showed her something, it was a tattoo and a piercing. ;) kitten, who is still amused at THAT mental image

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