Sincere Casual Questions

Sincere Casual Questions (Full Version)

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willing2serve -> Sincere Casual Questions (4/24/2005 12:12:03 AM)
Please bear with me, I have a distinct and sincere purpose in asking the following questions. These are questions of learning for me and would like to thank you in advance for your replies, insights, and more information about you. What is casual play? What is casual sex? How are they alike, and how do they differ? Are they opposites or can they parallel? Are Doms responsible for the emotional well-being of the sub after casual play and/ or sex? If one partner develops feelings for the other does it still remain casual sex or play? If penetration with an object, can that be considered casual play only? If developing a monogamous relationship with a partner and casual play outside of the relationship occurs without prior knowledge, is this being disloyal? Does it depend upon if it is the Dom or sub that is involved in the casual play, meaning most subs are required to give full disclosure...is that also required of Doms? Are you active in the bdsm community? Why or why not? How long have you been involved in the lifestyle? Are you involved in a poly, one-on-one relationship or no relationship at this time? If applicable, do you consider your relationship D/s or M/s? Do you consider yourself a Dominant, submissive, or switch? (I understand most do not like labels; however i am trying to learn from the perception of your answers to the aforementioned questions) Again, thank you for your time and sharing your thought processes with the forum. Respectfully, Willing2serve1

Focus50 -> RE: Sincere Casual Questions (4/24/2005 4:11:51 AM)
1) Casual play within the lifestyle is where there is no greater personal relationship together other than the D/s play. Basically, you're sharing kink for mutual benefit but not your general life as a whole. 2) Casual sex is the same thing except it's sex! You're only sharing a physical, intimate act - a fuck-buddy for example.... 3 & 4) Within BDSM, you can combine or separate both as part of a casual relationship. Obviously they're different forms of intimacy. 5) A caring Dom is and will take responsibility for his sub's emotional after-care but at a casual level, don't be surprised if he doesn't just the same. 6) If one partner develops feelings that aren't reciprocated, it'd probably be better for both to end the relationship. You don't go from casual to a full-time relationship unless both share the same need. 7) Penetration is or isn't part of casual play - it's up to both of you to decide the limits beforehand. 8) If one or both are playing outside a monogamous relationship, it's no longer monogamous.... Some Doms claim a "right" to play with other partners and if the sub doesn't approve or agree, she has the right to not be in that relationship anymore. 9) As for the rest of your questions, information about myself is what my profile or personal contact is for, not a public board. However, there's nothing wrong with "labels", it's how we distinguish for the purposes of communication and understanding. For example, I'm a Dominant, not a Top.... Focus50.

Padriag -> RE: Sincere Casual Questions (4/24/2005 7:46:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: willing2serve Please bear with me, I have a distinct and sincere purpose in asking the following questions. These are questions of learning for me and would like to thank you in advance for your replies, insights, and more information about you. What is casual play? Casual play is playing or "scening' with other individuals whom you do not have an ongoing relationship with. Someone you scene with for the purpose of that scene only with not commitments or expectations beyond that scene. quote: What is casual sex? Pretty much same conditions as casual play... you get together just for sex, a fuck-buddy, friend with benefits, etc. quote: How are they alike, and how do they differ? For some scening and BDSM play do not involve sex, for some its optional, for some its an intregal part. I guess the best way to define them is that they are two different things which some people choose to combine and some do not. That said, they differ in that sex is well... I hope you know what sex looks like [;)] Which leaves scening or play which is the BDSM stuff. quote: Are they opposites or can they parallel? They can be combined, I wouldn't call them opposites, just different. quote: Are Doms responsible for the emotional well-being of the sub after casual play and/ or sex? Immediately afterwards, as in aftercare, yes. For the long term, no. If you consent to a scene with a Top and you freak out during the scene, the ethical Top will stop the scene and do what he or she can to help you calm down and come back to a heathier frame of mind. They'll do what they can to comfort you, and make sure you are okay before you leave. On the other hand if you consent to scene with a Top and a month afterwards freak out about what you did, that's on you and not the Top. quote: If one partner develops feelings for the other does it still remain casual sex or play? Probably not, what it most likely becomes is complicated. Things have to be discussed an explored, and if the person with the feelings isn't honest about them it can really get messy. Its one of the reasons I don't personally do casual play and will NOT do casual sex at all. quote: If penetration with an object, can that be considered casual play only? It could be just casual play for some... others would feel that was too sexual to be considered casual play. Its a personal preference call, there is not "right" answer except what is right for the individuals involved. quote: If developing a monogamous relationship with a partner and casual play outside of the relationship occurs without prior knowledge, is this being disloyal? Does it depend upon if it is the Dom or sub that is involved in the casual play, meaning most subs are required to give full disclosure...is that also required of Doms? To your first question, yes that would be cheating. Building a relationship is a delicate thing, it should be given your full attention and full honesty. After all, if you care about this person enough to tell them you love them and want an exclusive relationship with them, then don't you think you own them full honesty about your activities? To your second question, no it does not depend on being Dom or sub, honesty should go both ways. If it doesn't I'd say there is a problem that needs to be worked out. quote: Are you active in the bdsm community? Why or why not? I am active online only right now. Where I live one has to be very discreet, as you can still lose your job for being involved in this lifestyle (I live in a rural community, very conservative and a "work at will" state... which means they can fire you if they don't like the length of your hair (which has happened to me)). I have been invited to events out of state which I would like to attend and probably will in the future. quote: How long have you been involved in the lifestyle? Eleven years, nearly 12 now. Since late 1994. quote: Are you involved in a poly, one-on-one relationship or no relationship at this time? No, not at this time. quote: If applicable, do you consider your relationship D/s or M/s? My preference is M/s. quote: Do you consider yourself a Dominant, submissive, or switch? (I understand most do not like labels; however i am trying to learn from the perception of your answers to the aforementioned questions) I'm dominant

Lordandmaster -> RE: Sincere Casual Questions (4/24/2005 12:21:23 PM)
CAUSAL SEX IS LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE SEX IN SHORTS OR A TSHRIT OR SOMETHING. ITS OPOSED TO FORMAL SEX WITCH YOU HAVE TO WEAR A TUXEDO. SO WHEN YOU GET MARRIED YOU HAVE TO HAVE FORMAL SEX.

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Sincere Casual Questions (4/24/2005 3:30:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: willing2serve What is casual play? Play that is for fun to enjoy an experience with someone with no real expectations beyond the scene itself. quote: What is casual sex? Sex that is for fun to enjoy an experience with someone else with no real expectations beyond the sex itself. quote: How are they alike, and how do they differ? Play is kinky play, sex is sexual play. They can easily be combined if you desire. quote: Are they opposites or can they parallel? To me it's like asking is horse back riding opposite or parallel to sex. quote: Are Doms responsible for the emotional well-being of the sub after casual play and/ or sex? Everyone is responsible for their own well-being and for trying to maintain the well-being of the relationship. The top in the scene is responsible for doing what they can to help the bottom enjoy and come down well from a scene. quote: If one partner develops feelings for the other does it still remain casual sex or play? That is up to everyone involved. quote: If penetration with an object, can that be considered casual play only? Depends on your personal values. For me it has nothing to do with the action, but with the expectations and connection I have. quote: If developing a monogamous relationship with a partner and casual play outside of the relationship occurs without prior knowledge, is this being disloyal? Only if it was clear that they were not and would not be dating others during this time. Otherwise, it's not being disloyal, but it is something that obviously now needs to be discussed. quote: if it is the Dom or sub that is involved in the casual play, meaning most subs are required to give full disclosure...is that also required of Doms? Subs are required to give full disclosure to their doms. Doms are not required to give full disclosure to their subs, however, I would consider it unethical if a dom were not being fully up front about their sex partners, if only to understand safe sex issues. quote: Are you active in the bdsm community? Why or why not? Yup, I've got the time, money, there's a big active community near me and I like the socializing, connecting and opportunities that being active brings me. quote: How long have you been involved in the lifestyle? About 6 and a half years now. quote: Are you involved in a poly, one-on-one relationship or no relationship at this time? Open poly family quote: If applicable, do you consider your relationship D/s or M/s? My primary relationship is Ms. quote: Do you consider yourself a Dominant, submissive, or switch? A slave top.

willing2serve -> RE: Sincere Casual Questions (4/24/2005 3:35:55 PM)
Thank you for your sincere responses to my casual questions. I am really trying to understand if people in the "community" perceive casual play differently than people not in the "community". Can you truly have casual play without any type of attraction or attachment? Can it be just an activity as a round of golf? As you can probably tell, I've never been involved in casual scenes. There has always been some kind of bond that created closeness and intimacy. So, I am truly trying to comprehend the concept of casual play. Respectfully, willing2serve1

willing2serve -> RE: Sincere Casual Questions (4/24/2005 3:42:32 PM)
quote: To me it's like asking is horse back riding opposite or parallel to sex. Comparing casual play and casual sex.... As always Emeraldslave, I enjoy reading your views. Can the two be as vastly different as you portray?

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Sincere Casual Questions (4/24/2005 4:35:14 PM)
For some people, yes they can. Sex for me can be as casual as going to the movies or as intimate as it gets. For me it depends on the person, the relationship and what connection we have together at that time. Just depends on who you are as a person and how you operate.

princess4Sir -> Lordandmaster (4/24/2005 4:44:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster CAUSAL SEX IS LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE SEX IN SHORTS OR A TSHRIT OR SOMETHING. ITS OPOSED TO FORMAL SEX WITCH YOU HAVE TO WEAR A TUXEDO. SO WHEN YOU GET MARRIED YOU HAVE TO HAVE FORMAL SEX. you, sir, are almost as cute as your av

MzBerlin -> RE: Sincere Casual Questions (4/24/2005 5:55:32 PM)
My, what a detailed questionaire...... Please remember that all of these answers are from my perspective only and may or may not represent the views of others... 1. Casual play is play that does not revolve around a dynamic. For instance, I am currently involved with a gentleman and we are casually dating. That is, dating without a predetermined goal in mind (such as marriage). We don't have a M/s relationship, although I am in the submissive mindset when I'm around him. I call our play 'casual' even though we engage in heavy and risky behavior because we are in a casual relationship. I suppose I'm allowing the structure (or lack thereof) define whether this play is casual or not and I tend to do that in my BDSM relationships. Conversely, if I were in serious negotiations with a Dominant regarding a LT relationship, I would not consider that casual play. 2. Casual sex is the sex that I have with men that I am not in a relationship of any kind with. For example, with "X" (the guy I've already mentioned) I do not consider our sex casual, as we are in a relationship. I would consider a one-night stand casual. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it's how I look at it.. 3. I think that I've tried to explain this above... If you need any clarification, please let me know. 4. The seem to be able to parallel, as indicated above. While I play casually with X and we do sleep together, the definitions may change depending on the dynamic I've developed with someone. 5. I feel that the Dominant partner should take an interest in aftercare and the submissives emotional well being. When I play hard with X, he always makes sure that I'm O.K. afterwards, both physically and mentally. I don't feel that it's an inherent responsibility, though I do feel it's a 'should'. 6. I like X, and I have feelings for him. We spend time together. I don't think that makes it any less casual. If I suddenly fell in love with him or what have you, we would def. have to discuss the structure of the relationship, where it was going and blah blah blah in order to make sure that everyone knew where they stood. I think that is more about communication. 7. Ummm, it would really depend upon the dynamic. I'm going to continue using my current state of affairs (pun intended) as an example, I hope you don't mind... I am casually seeing X right now, but lets pretend that I met Y and we seem to have more in line as far as a LTR goes. If I continue seeing X while my relationship with Y is getting established, then I don't think that it's disloyal to Y. I DO think that Y and X should know about each other and the intentions that I have with each of them. I DO NOT feel that full disclosure is "required" on my part, or the Dominants' part. Now, if I were looking to engage in a casual relationship with Y, then I don't feel that X needs to know or Y needs to know. While I would probably choose to inform everyone of my multi-partner status, I don't think it's neccessary. 8. I'm fairly active. I recently moved to L.A. and am slowly but surely putting myself out there. I plan on becoming very active this summer and getting really involved once I'm completely situated here. 9. I am in one consistent casual relationship and am dating several other people. 10. I consider the relationship that I'm in to be D/s oriented. 11. I consider myself selectively submissive and occasionally sadistic. Sorry if I was clear as mud!! If you have any questions, feel free to post... B

willing2serve -> RE: Lordandmaster (4/24/2005 6:19:15 PM)
quote: Sex for me can be as casual as going to the movies or as intimate as it gets. Suprisingly I can understand casual sex and I do understand not having intimacy during sex....Even faceless, meaningless sex. I am not a woman that has to "make love". However, casual play..still do not comprehend...again it must be based on the person. But play creates intimacy for me, it creates emotions that I couldn't just share with anyone. Would love to hear from someone with an opposite perspective

PenelopePitstop -> RE: Lordandmaster (4/24/2005 8:05:10 PM)
I am such a questionnaire whore: This is the newbie perspective here. Based on the years and years of self-questioning I have undertaken. What is casual play? I've not had the opportunity but I would imagine it as something where both parties come away happy and don't have worryingly deep thoughts about it the next day What is casual sex? For me, a cold emotionless experience but for others a fulfilling hobby that fits in well with their lives. Sex that fulfils it's purpose - no more and no less. How are they alike, and how do they differ? I think with play, you probably wouldn't be able to get away with faking it! Are they opposites or can they parallel? Good question, but I don't think they are related directly or inversely. Different dynamics. Are Doms responsible for the emotional well-being of the sub after casual play and/ or sex? Not completely responsible but at the very least should be aware. In a total control relationship then possibly, yes, but in others, no. If one partner develops feelings for the other does it still remain casual sex or play? God. This is something I know I'm going to have trouble with myself. I guess it depends on the participants respective ideas/values regarding love and sex. Some people can separate these things, other people can't. I don't think it could be casual once those kind of emotions are involved. If penetration with an object, can that be considered casual play only? I don't think it's the physical act that defines it, more the attitudes of the people involved If developing a monogamous relationship with a partner and casual play outside of the relationship occurs without prior knowledge, is this being disloyal? Does it depend upon if it is the Dom or sub that is involved in the casual play, meaning most subs are required to give full disclosure...is that also required of Doms? To me any act that involves deception of a partner is disloyal. But I guess it depends on the rules that have been agreed upon within the respective relationships. They need to be compatible from the outset or divided loyalties will screw things up. I for example would never pledge allegiance to two doms. I just don't see how that could work. To be honest this question confuses me a little. Are you active in the bdsm community? Why or why not? I'm not active because I'm new. I'm going to need to summon up a fair amount of courage for that. How long have you been involved in the lifestyle? three days lol...and that's only online Are you involved in a poly, one-on-one relationship or no relationship at this time? One vanilla realationship and numerous BDSM online friends If applicable, do you consider your relationship D/s or M/s? N/A Do you consider yourself a Dominant, submissive, or switch? 110% Submissive

ravenna -> RE: Lordandmaster (4/25/2005 1:09:59 AM)
Thanks for asking, i'm a questionnaire whore too, so here i am, reporting for duty! However, i used to be the property of a very sharp political operator in DC, and his rule on answering questions (for him, NOT for his slave!) was, "To hell with what they ask you, only answer the question you want to answer." So forgive me if i feel free to skip around selectively... i never have casual sex or casual play. Others, my owners or those very few people who have their permission, do often have casual sex or casual play with me, though more often the sex they want is not casual but profoundly *non-casual. But i am not permitted to have "casual sex," or really even capable of it any more. (i could at age 15-20 or so.) i am required to give my utmost to my owner(s) or user(s) at all times, physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually, whenever and however and by whomever i am being used, and it's not up to me, or really any of my business, whether the cock ejaculating in me or on me or the hand striking me or stroking me is using me "casually" or "seriously." And yes, this would include being fucked in the ass by a champagne bottle, for example; i give that Dom Perignon all i've got to give, baby, because he's just a stiff glassy stand-in for my owner's cock, to which i owe my maximum exertions and utter devotion at all times. Besides all that, i seem to be incapable of being used sexually without eventually (soon) developing warm fuzzy feelings for my user, even when this is inappropriate and requires punishment. (But that makes me warm and fuzzy too.) Full disclosure required of me? Sir, yes, sir, and then some. Full disclosure required of them? No, but i often hear a lot of it anyway, and i never get enough of it. My owners take excellent care of my emotional well-being, because they love me and care for me and want to ensure my continued satisfactory functioning, but they are not required* to, and they occasionally skip the after-race rubdown for their faithful steed, especially if they intend to climb back into her saddle soon. i'm the slave here, not the guys who own me, they can use me as hard as they want, i'm here to give them more freedom, not less. i am only active in real life in the tiny BDSM community of my owners and a few select friends on Planet Ravenna, plus i am allowed to make friends and share secrets and gossip and weigh in on endlessly fascinating rambling discussions like this one here at CollarMe and a couple of other websites. My owners have less than ZERO interest in being part of any BDSM scene, community, society, group, club, munch, bunch or menagerie of any description, and i'm really only allowed to be here to become a better slave for them. If they thought it wasn't working that way they would pull the plug on me in a heartbea Wait, false alarm, i'm still here! How long have i been involved in this? Since i was a little girl (in my dreams), i was kind of a bi switch at 15-16, a slave unofficially since i was 19, definitely a slave since i was 22 when i was "officially" collared by my first owner, changed hands at 23 and 27, repossessed by the love(s) of my life at 29, and now i'm 30, so take your pick of the math. And i expect and hope and pray to be my owners' slave for the rest of my life. Oh, and it's definitely poly: Master/Master/slave. i'm sometimes very submissive, sometimes very *not* submissive, sometimes a switch if it's a female on the bottom and a male on top, but always owned, always a slave...

Focus50 -> RE: Lordandmaster (4/25/2005 2:28:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: willing2serve Suprisingly I can understand casual sex and I do understand not having intimacy during sex....Even faceless, meaningless sex. I am not a woman that has to "make love". However, casual play..still do not comprehend...again it must be based on the person. But play creates intimacy for me, it creates emotions that I couldn't just share with anyone. Would love to hear from someone with an opposite perspective You're possibly overthinking the concept of "casual play" and not seeing the practical simplicity because you're trying to understand something you think complicated.... Whether it's D/s play or sex, it's intimate! Some people can have sex (or D/s play) on a casual basis with little or no emotional connection, such as a one-night-stand, but many can't. I'm among the latter; the most important part of play for me is who I'm playing with.... I won't play with just any willing fem/sub, she has to be someone I share an emotional attachment with. For many on these boards, casual play is a normal and accepted form of BDSM practice but that doesn't mean it's for everyone and nor does it mean you have to do it that way if it's not your desire or need. BDSM is the core of my intimate relationships, it's how I mostly share and express private intimacy.... As I said, the most important aspect is who I dominate, not the physical acts themselves. The times I've played "casual", it's been with a sub I was formerly sharing a greater D/s or M/s relationship with anyway. So if you get what casual sex means, you should be able to grasp casual D/s play. In such relationships, the emphasis is more on the physical actions rather than a sharing of emotional intimacy with that someone special in your life.... For example, prostitutes have casual sex with paying clients but I doubt they do anything emotionally intimate such as a romantic kiss. Focus50.

allyC -> RE: Sincere Casual Questions (4/25/2005 10:38:59 PM)
quote: What is casual play? I have always been of the understanding that casual play is something shared between two people without any profound interest in each other relationship-wise. i.e. acquaintances at a party who decide to scene together. quote: What is casual sex? The same as above except sex instead of play. Better defined as sex between people with no strings or comittment. quote: How are they alike, and how do they differ? Well they're alike in the way that they both occur between consenting adults who are not seriously involved. They differ because one is play and one is sex. Each, however, can be dangerous. quote: Are they opposites or can they parallel? Please see above. quote: Are Doms responsible for the emotional well-being of the sub after casual play and/ or sex? If you're talking "after care" then I believe the answer is yes. The Dom is responsible to see to the emotional well being of the sub. The scene isn't over when the implements stop flying. Its over when the endorphines have settled nicely back into their hidey holes. As far as after sex? Is that sex during a scene or just run of the mill sex? If it is just sex then they'd both be responsible for themselves and each other to a degree. After a scene with sex? Then the Dom is still responsible to see to the emotional well being of the sub quote: If one partner develops feelings for the other does it still remain casual sex or play? I think that depends on the individual situation or people involved. quote: If penetration with an object, can that be considered casual play only? I think that depends on the play and the people involved. quote: If developing a monogamous relationship with a partner and casual play outside of the relationship occurs without prior knowledge, is this being disloyal? Disloyal? I'm not sure. Unethical? I think so. Deceitful? Only if the person deliberately hid the fact. I don't believe it would be very cool if they were developing a monogamous relationship together. quote: Does it depend upon if it is the Dom or sub that is involved in the casual play, meaning most subs are required to give full disclosure...is that also required of Doms? I think that again it depends on the people involved. I think each relationship is structured differently. For example in my relationship, my owner is not "required" to tell me anything about his sexual life. He prefers to, though. I have seen other relationships that were completely open - i.e either party could have sex/scene with anyone they wanted to. I think, however, that communication is essential to any relationship and choosing not to disclose something like sex is dangerous. quote: Are you active in the bdsm community? Why or why not? We are active with a small group of like-minded people. We used to be active in our community and after years of ridiculous politics, egos, community division, and general immaturity amongst the group leaders at the time, we chose to avoid the B.S. and stick to quality over quantity. quote: How long have you been involved in the lifestyle? I have been owned for nearly 7 years to the only Master I've ever had. Prior to that, I had an interest for a few years but no interaction or experience. quote: Are you involved in a poly, one-on-one relationship or no relationship at this time? My current relationship consists of my owner and myself, however we've been searching for a 2nd for some time now. Do you happen to know anyone who'd be interested? wink quote: If applicable, do you consider your relationship D/s or M/s? Both really. It is an absolute Master/slave relationship that obviously involves dominance & submission :) quote: Do you consider yourself a Dominant, submissive, or switch? (I understand most do not like labels; however i am trying to learn from the perception of your answers to the aforementioned questions) I don't really fit into the above 3 categories very well - My role in my relationship with my owner is that of a slave. I am submissive to him, however I'm a pretty dominant person. :) I'm not a switch though as when it comes to M/s interaction, I'm definitely on the "s" side, having no desire to be a "Dom". My two pesos :)

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