a question regarding "Baggage" (Full Version)

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APhacetoSit -> a question regarding "Baggage" (4/24/2005 1:30:43 AM)

Mes Dearest Dames et Patrons,
i was recently summarily dismissed from continued discussion with a potential Dominant situation with the comment that i had "too much baggage" to be of interest.
my humble question has several facets, and i would greatly appreciate any input in this area.
1. how might one go through nigh on a half century of life experience without carrying forward some of that experience.
2. doesn't the seasoning one encounters during that journey add spice and flavor to the future experiences for those involved?
3. if a submissive takes nothing away from any prior sessions, does it become frustrating to have to retrain them continuously? i would hope to learn from earlier experiences to enhance Mistress's pleasure and control, and would expect to be corrected if i learned or interpreted incorrectly, or Mistress's needs had changed.
to me, it would seem that a good submissive would have the experience to add interest, and the openmindedness to continue to learn.
Have i, perhaps, misunderstood the term "Baggage?" Once again, any input would be greatly appreciated.



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/24/2005 2:31:23 AM)

Welcome to the boards, APhacetoSit.
Since I do not know what you and the Dominant were specifically discussing I can only give you My own (and I believe the general consensus) definition of the term "baggage.
It is used to refer to past experiences that continue to negatively affect your life or your ability to move in a new or needed direction.
Some people would consider a divorce with heavy continuing financial obligations to be "baggage". Some think of young children still needing care to be "baggage". Heavy extended family obligations may be considered "baggage".
I don't personally use the term, but I probably do unconsciously think about it. And if a boy has had bad experiences not only in vanilla areas, but also in the BDSM realm, there may be too many trust issues to overcome and that could be considered "baggage".
I personally do not consider good life experiences, wisdom, et al to be "baggage". The term is normally used to denote a negative...something or things that need to be overcome in order to progress appropriately.
Most of us have baggage of some sort. It just depends on who you are trying to relate to and whether or not they can handle your particular baggage.
It seems this particular Domina could not. Best to think about why She may have considered anything you discussed as "baggage" and then just chalk it up to a bad match and move on. The next Lady you correspond with may not feel you have this "baggage" at all!
Good luck!



SweetDommes -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/24/2005 7:41:57 AM)

Speaking from the experience of having our "baggage boy" decide not to move - in our situation, he had so much emotional baggage that he couldn't just let go of that when we made him decide between us and the person who kept piling the baggage on him, he chose the other person and not us. Now, in this instance, the baggage was an ex who was blackmailing him emotionally by threatening suicide if he left the area that they are both from. That is an extreme example of baggage, and I hope for the sake of many people that it is far from the norm.

Other examples can be attachment to people/places/things that interfere with new relationships that the person is trying to form. Bad experiences that cannot be worked past (I'm not saying to forget them ... but being able to deal with them properly is very important) is another example (which DustyGold mentioned). There are hundreds of other examples, but as DustyGold said - they are all things that affect the person and/or their relationships with others negatively.



MstrssPassion -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/24/2005 9:04:49 AM)

As already stated... there is no way for anyone reading your post to know what took place in the conversations you had with the potential Mistress.

Honesty is the best policy. It is far better to be honest about yourself than to have someone find out something later & then resent you & accuse you of holding out information.

As to an experienced sub seeking a dominant, I would keep in mind that in this day of age there are many people out there with very little realtime experience. Those that have a great deal of experience will recognize this about you through their own methods of interviewing. I would keep it simple as to your level of experience & allow the potential dominant ask you for details.

Now assuming that your conversation with the Mistress was about your background & she dismissed you based on it & considered it baggage... maybe she just was not experienced & felt threatened that her lack of experience may be perceived as a weakness. That is nothing more than a personal issue of confidence & esteem & not the fault of anyone else. Just a wild guess though on my part.

MstrssPassion



SecretDomme -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/24/2005 9:40:11 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: APhacetoSit
1. how might one go through nigh on a half century of life experience without carrying forward some of that experience.


We all carry forward experiences from our past. The important thing, in my opinion, is whether we choose to deal with the present in the same way, or bring forth a new attitude based on lessons learned or healing that may have taken place. If the Domme to which you refer did not find you compatible with her needs or personality, she has the right to say "no thanks". However, communication is the key, and if she simply dismissed you without an explanation other than "you have baggage", I can see where you might be seeking more information.

quote:

2. doesn't the seasoning one encounters during that journey add spice and flavor to the future experiences for those involved?


Again, I think it's how you present yourself in your new experiences. If one simply has to have things the way they used to be, or in only one way because that is what they know, then forging new relationships may be difficult.

quote:

3. if a submissive takes nothing away from any prior sessions, does it become frustrating to have to retrain them continuously? i would hope to learn from earlier experiences to enhance Mistress's pleasure and control, and would expect to be corrected if i learned or interpreted incorrectly, or Mistress's needs had changed.
to me, it would seem that a good submissive would have the experience to add interest, and the openmindedness to continue to learn.


I think if the basics of respect, trust, communication, and compatibility are there, then there is a foundation for growth. Personally, when a sub tells me he has been trained by another Domme, I respect that, but his previous experience does not necessarily apply to what I desire. I've encountered many subs who are used to doing things one way and who are not able to step back and become a blank canvas for me and what I choose to do. In those cases, I am unable to progress in the relationship.

I wish you luck in your search,
Julie



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/24/2005 12:41:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes
he had so much emotional baggage that he couldn't just let go of that when we made him decide between us and the person who kept piling the baggage on him, he chose the other person and not us. Now, in this instance, the baggage was an ex who was blackmailing him emotionally by threatening suicide if he left the area that they are both from.

Know what you mean... It's very unfortunate that people who complain the most about how awful the girlfriend or X is are the people who are unable to detach from those situations... I believe a lot of sick relationships last because the participants feed on the drama and need it. I dated a person I felt was a wonderful guy briefly, but he was so busy hating women and his ex, that I felt like physically smacking him out of it, so had to let him go with that baggage.

Aphacetosit, I understand that you should be expected to have some baggage given age/experience, but it should only be there to have taught you how to live better and not repeat mistakes; it should not be there if it's preventing you from trusting, and it most definitely will bother someone else if it comes by way of heavy financial burden. Having baggage doesn't make you undesirable, it simply means you need to sort it out and be honest/open with potential Domme before you enter a relationship. M



Spike1777 -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/24/2005 3:34:15 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

it should not be there if it's preventing you from trusting


i think that trust is very important to a relationship. Although i feel that communication is most important in a loving relationship



LadyAngelika -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/24/2005 3:47:22 PM)

quote:

"too much baggage" to be of interest.


Like Dusty, I'm not so fond of the term baggage.

That said, we all have baggage. As you mentioned, as we get older, we will accumulate some baggage. I think it becomes important to identify our baggage and figure out how we are going to deal with it so that it doesn't drag it down.

I have dismissed potential subs for not being able to overcome certain things. I'm not saying all Dommes should. But I do. I admit it. Being able to overcome issues is one of my highest criterias when looking for a partner. But that is because above all, I am looking for someone who is into self-actualisation.

- LA



SweetDommes -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/24/2005 3:48:50 PM)

the trust/communication thing is a cycle though - I will not communicate beyond the basics with someone that I do not trust, and I cannot trust someone who doesn't communicate with me.

but that's a whole other topic ...

aphacetosit: you have been given a lot of good examples and advice. No two situations are the same, and as long as you realize this (and can still apply lessons learned from previous experiences), then you are way ahead of the game. Not everyone will see whatever 'baggage' the other domme saw as a problem (or might not even consider it to be 'baggage'). As long as you don't always fall back on your experience, I don't see that it will be a problem for most people.



APhacetoSit -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/25/2005 12:52:25 AM)

MesDames,
Thank You All so much for Your responses, and for Your welcome to the message boards.
i humbly appreciate Your answers, and insights. i do assume that the "baggage" that i carried was a reluctance to travel a great distance for a short meeting. i felt that it would be a disservice to try to be a Mistress's beck and call with a 6 hour commute separating us. She was not seeking 24/7 servitude, nor did She seem to be seeking LTR. i did understand that i did not meet Her needs, but i have seen the words "NO BAGGAGE" in a few profiles, and was not quite sure as to what "Baggage" might be.
She also seemed somewhat disappointed (perhaps skeptical) that i did not view Her size or race as an obstacle, but as an enhancement to Her appeal, however i may have read too much into that.
once again, i do appreciate Your answers. i am relatively unscathed from my life's experiences, and i wear more laugh lines than battle scars. (whip and paddle lines do wear off after a time). but i do carry smiles, and hard learned lessons in my "baggage"
Thanking each of You humbly, and if You ever need a place to sit...,
Phace




LadyAngelika -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/25/2005 4:43:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: APhacetoSit
MesDames,
Thank You All so much for Your responses, and for Your welcome to the message boards.
i humbly appreciate Your answers, and insights. i do assume that the "baggage" that i carried was a reluctance to travel a great distance for a short meeting. i felt that it would be a disservice to try to be a Mistress's beck and call with a 6 hour commute separating us. She was not seeking 24/7 servitude, nor did She seem to be seeking LTR. i did understand that i did not meet Her needs,

I wouldn't call that having baggage, I would call that having good judgement. Why on earth would you go the distance for pitance? Just because you are the submissive, doesn't mean you have to have the short end of the stick.

quote:

ORIGINAL: APhacetoSit
but i have seen the words "NO BAGGAGE" in a few profiles, and was not quite sure as to what "Baggage" might be.


Well now hopefully you have a better idea. Though I find it humourous that people would write "no baggage" in their profile.

quote:

ORIGINAL: APhacetoSit
She also seemed somewhat disappointed (perhaps skeptical) that i did not view Her size or race as an obstacle, but as an enhancement to Her appeal, however i may have read too much into that.


If I had to guess at why, I'd say probably deep rooted insecurity about who she was on her part. The main reason why people can't believe that someone would be attracted to them is because they don't feel worthy of someone else's attraction/love.

quote:

ORIGINAL: APhacetoSit
once again, i do appreciate Your answers. i am relatively unscathed from my life's experiences, and i wear more laugh lines than battle scars. (whip and paddle lines do wear off after a time). but i do carry smiles, and hard learned lessons in my "baggage"


Well that's refreshing. Welcome to the boards, APhacetoSit :)

- LA



APhacetoSit -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/30/2005 10:32:21 PM)

Dear Lady Angelika,
i appreciate the response and the insight. is there a convincing way to say to a potentially insecure Domme that it is not so much the way She might look, as the way that i as a sub might look at Her? (from the toes up, Ma'am, can create quite a different perspective.)




MsSilvie -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/30/2005 10:57:49 PM)

I believe mostly what people mean with "no baggage" is "nothing that would interfere with your ability to develop a new relationship".

Or sometimes, it means "no fruit loops".

Everyone has experiences, good and bad, that influence their decisions and . But some folks have a harder time letting go of the past than others. That tends to be the baggage that makes you unable to move on to new things.



APhacetoSit -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/30/2005 11:35:59 PM)

quote:

Or sometimes, it means "no fruit loops".
Goodness Gracious, Ma'am, where did You meet me? Or are You a true psychic.
Thank You for Your response.
phace



dragonofjapan -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/30/2005 11:41:55 PM)

let the bellboy carry the baggage

never carry a grudge, it weighs a lot and doesn't have a handle

consider it a blessing the asshole found a good excuse to leave be fore they Really disapointed you.



MsSilvie -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (4/30/2005 11:58:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: APhacetoSit

quote:

Or sometimes, it means "no fruit loops".
Goodness Gracious, Ma'am, where did You meet me? Or are You a true psychic.
Thank You for Your response.
phace


Why, we are practically neighbors. In fact, if I get the really high power binoculars out, I can almost see your house!

You really should invest in some drapes, you know....

[sm=lol.gif]



APhacetoSit -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (5/1/2005 1:02:19 AM)

quote:

You really should invest in some drapes, you know....
Not only a froot loop, but not appealing to Your eyes, Ma'am? quel dommage, que lastima, or as they say in my country, what a shame (i do have a strong exhibitionist streak). if drapes are Your request, it could be done. it is quite wonderful to know that there are neighbors who care about such things.



LadyAngelika -> RE: a question regarding "Baggage" (5/1/2005 6:38:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: APhacetoSit
Dear Lady Angelika,
i appreciate the response and the insight. is there a convincing way to say to a potentially insecure Domme that it is not so much the way She might look, as the way that i as a sub might look at Her? (from the toes up, Ma'am, can create quite a different perspective.)


Unfortunately no. There is nothing that you can say to someone insecure to make them realise that they are beautiful to you. Not anything instantaneous anyways. Perhaps over time, if you are willing to devote your life to rebuilding someone's self-esteem. I tried that a few times and I gave up.

- LA



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