I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (Full Version)

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BondageTopJere -> I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/16/2007 10:38:16 AM)

I'm not entirely sure if I'm asking for something specific with this thread. Thoughts, impressions, maybe some advice if you think I'm missing something which should be obvious.  I'll just lay out the situation, feel to ask for clarification if you need it,'

I've never been in a relationship before, vanilla or D/s. I've made more attempts than i can count, but none have ever gone past the first few times together.  Just recently in the last few weeks,  I met a sub through CM where its actually going... well.  We've been out a few times, talked semi-regularly on the phone ( our schedules are off from each other and her case, very busy ).   We're planning on going to a local BDSM meeting later this month and we've got a shopping trip planned in a few days.  I really like her to say the least, all signs point to up etc.

Now my only problem, I'm kinda clueless on where to go from there. This has never happended before and I'm thrilled and to be frank, a bit initimidated by it all.   I think I'm fairly knowledgeable about BDSM, but I'm very short on the hands-on experience to put it one way.  A lot of Dom's I've meet and talked to have an assurance about themselves, but that is something that only true experience can grant.  No matter how good you think you are at something, there's alwasy going to be some butterflies the first time you actually do it, and having a relationship is no exception.  Thats the point I find myself at now.  I'm not even going to attempt to fake it, and I have been honest her with about my lack of experience. But I'm left with a... hole that needs to have something put into place while I gain that experience to put in there. 



Celeste43 -> RE: I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/16/2007 10:56:50 AM)

Presumably you have been practicing your ties on chairs, stuffed animals, pillows and whatever. And on yourself to see what pinches and what doesn't.

Presumably you have also gotten from her what are the things that most excite her. Does she fantasize about you pinning her down and cutting off her (old) clothes or about being tied up and teased for a long time. Is she interested in a light spanking with stroking between?

Assuming you've done your homework, now is the time to make a list of stuff you want to do and what you might need, a feather, ice cubes, low temp wax etc. Assortment of rope in different sizes because you want to go around the body several times in order not to have all the pressure on one point.

Have the list in order of what you and she would like to try first and add one more ingredient, a blindfold. That way when you suddenly blank out about what next, you can open up your wallet and look at the list without her seeing it. And then you come back with the feather, the wooden spoon or whatever.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/16/2007 10:58:01 AM)

Why don't you ask her how she feels and if she has any particular ideas of where she wants things to go.

If it ain't broke, just let things progress as they do.

A lot of doms SAY and ACT like they have an assurance of themselves, that doesn't mean it's really there.  One can also be sure of many things AND be unsure of many things.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/16/2007 11:12:19 AM)

The key is to talk to her about it. If she doesn't understand that Dominant can struggle, too, she's not ready for a Ds relationship, in my opinion. But, most likely, she will be happy to discuss the direction of the relationship with you. Have her give several options of where she'd like to go in the immediate future...then you decide where you're going to go.

Master Fire



proudsub -> RE: I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/16/2007 11:30:00 AM)

quote:

Now my only problem, I'm kinda clueless on where to go from there.


You might find it helpful to browse throught he "health and safety" forums too.



Devilslilsister -> RE: I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/16/2007 12:49:09 PM)

i say just be yourself.  Thats what caught her interest right?  Find out where she wants to go with things, incorporate it into where you want to go with things.  What do you want out of the relationship?  What does she want out of it?  Take steps to accomplish those things.  Find point B and map out logically how to get from point A to point B.  I think its really important to figure out what her impression of all this is too.  What does it all mean to her?  It'll help you get together a game plan of your ideas and her ideas....... to make "our" ideas. 

Figure out what the goal is......... and then mapquest it   = )



HutchGarahl -> RE: I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/16/2007 1:35:18 PM)

Best advice...TALK. Here's an idea. One i've often done myself. Each of you write down and and all ideas, preferences, desires, dislikes, limits and what your hoping to gain in this relationship.  Give each other your papers so each can read and get an idea of what the other wants or doesn't want. Then talk about it. Above, just be yourselves. Have fun and good luck to ya in yor new ventures.



N4SDChastity -> RE: I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/16/2007 2:14:57 PM)

DOH!!!  Wrong thread...



MadRabbit -> RE: I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/16/2007 4:38:59 PM)

My advice had nothing to do with bondage, but rather more towards the relationship aspect of it and a bit off topic. Plenty of good advice has already been given and I cant really contribute anymore toward the jist of the thread.

I would do a little soul searching.

As much as I hate to sound harsh, I would contemplate why you have had some many issues with relationships and have yet to be in one at the age of 27.

I'm not preaching to you. My past isnt too much better. I have had my own issues to resolve.

Assuming you want something more with this person past simply tieing them up.




BondageTopJere -> RE: I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/16/2007 11:46:32 PM)

Thank you so all so much for the advice.  As I was sitting here reading this, the first Dom-ly need of mine [:)] leapt into mind.  Patience with my mistakes and occasional waffling until I learn what I should typically do. 

quote:


As much as I hate to sound harsh, I would contemplate why you have had some many issues with relationships and have yet to be in one at the age of 27.


Rather easily answered, mores the pity.  I had a childhood incident early in junior high (that time when most poeople learn how to date ) left me pretty much persona non grata to all of the girls in my nice rural, midwestern town I grew up in. By the time I mostly got over it and most others had forgotten it, it was time to get the high school diploma and move on. So as a new freshly minted adult I had literally zero idea on how to even complement a woman or let her know I was interested in her, much less asking her out.  There was a few abortive attempts in the year after high school and joining the Navy that left me pretty soured by the whole experience for another 5 more years give or take. But thats when I'm interested in her in the first place.

On the other side of the coin, when they're interested in me, I can chalk that up to 3 major factors: I'm clueless at reading body language that says "I'm interested" (still am for the most part but I'm getting better at, leftover self-esteem issures regarding attraction and dating from high school, and a very shallow tendency I'm just now getting over with the girl I'm now seeing, overwieght was a "hard limit".

And people always sound so suprised when I say I've never had a girl before [:D]



ExtremeOwnerIL -> RE: I want it, I want it, I got .... err, now what do I do with it? (4/17/2007 5:56:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BondageTopJere

Thank you so all so much for the advice.  As I was sitting here reading this, the first Dom-ly need of mine [:)] leapt into mind.  Patience with my mistakes and occasional waffling until I learn what I should typically do. 



I remember when I was taking my first steps into a public dungeon as a first timer. It was called the "Leather Rose" and it was in a rather rough part of Chicago, right next to the elevated tracks. You had to go into a warehouse area and go around back - to get in, you went through a loading dock. My knees were knocking already. You walked in and it was like walking into the seediest porn shop on the planet. A tall, thin, pasty faced man with long stringy unkempt hair greets you and the smells of leather, rubber, candles and scent hit. I thought I was going to flee, but I kept taking steps. My first night, I just sat and absorbed. It was the first step along the way, but from that moment I stepped in, I felt at peace, because I was taking steps, small steps.

Right now, it may seem overwhelming but the keys as many have pointed out: knowledge, patience, open mindedness to learning from mistakes - those are all the tools you're going to need. Just take small steps. Take a step that feels comfortable to you and that you know will be safe to her. If she's interested, if she likes you for you, then it will be good. Take another step. And give yourself time to process each step, learn from it and grow.

Unfortunately, that Leather Rose has since been long gone, Hans left to go back to Denmark in 2003. I still remember that first visit.

Good luck to you,
Regards,
EO



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