will I ever trust a man again

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darkprincess21 -> will I ever trust a man again (4/24/2005 8:22:55 PM)
Life is hard for me, at 21 I've already seen more than most people three times my age. at age eight my mother shot herself in the chest and barely survived and at age fifteen my father passed away and I was left to survive on my own. I've survived alot. I'm now living a semi-normal life. I left my ex-boyfriend in january, he wasnt worth the pain, he caused me to cry on almost a daily basis. I dont know why I'm posting all of this, I guess I'm just hoping that maybe somewhere out here there is someone who understands me. I dont trust men, I'm into bdsm but there is such a huge difference between this lifestyle and abuse. I dont want to be hurt again and I'm not sure whether just leaving this lifestyle alone would help with that(I somehow doubt it). I just miss having someone there to have fun with, someone I can talk to and who really wants to hang out with me. I'm so tired of talking on the internet but all the men who want to meet me dont seem to be willing to do things on my terms, Anyways......I guess posting this sort of thing on the internet isnt the smartest thing but I just need to have ppl understand. Much love to all of you, katy [image]local://upfiles/106818/8F098B1E5EF4433285240E8531E3CA67.jpg[/image]

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/24/2005 11:46:04 PM)
Hey Katy, You've been dealt a terrible hand in life... You should in my opinion be seeking counseling and continuing school, giving yourself the tools you need to survive and perhaps prosper. You are not in a good place, and I don't see how you will be able to trust yourself or anyone enough to have a good relationship where you can be a good submissive and not be open to a mountain or pain. I hope you have health insurance and can get counseling. Wish you lots of luck, M

MzBerlin -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/24/2005 11:49:33 PM)
katy- I think that blktallfullfig gave you the best advice that anyone could. I endorse her recommendations. Feel free to come to the forums and learn and grow. We are a pretty supportive bunch, and I want you to feel welcome here. B

darkprincess21 -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 12:55:17 AM)
I dont like counselors because they dont know anything about what I've been through. I have a job now and am working really hard to change things in my life. I'm just not dating until I meet someone who can meet me on my level or something. The thing is that I'm still here and I'm still surviving and striving to make my life better. I just need someone who respects that fact and maybe has some appreciation for the fact that I'm tougher than most people. Anyways, thats my peice for now. Much love. Katy

siamsa24 -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 5:27:13 AM)
I know what you mean about the counselors, I tend to get frustrated with them after about a week or so. What I have found that works very well is specific group sessions. There are thousands of support groups for people that have gone through experiences similar to yours. The first time you go you don't have to say anything (I went for almost six months before I even told them my real name). They accept you for who you are and are supportive. I don't know if there is anything like that in your area, but it may be worth looking into and trying. It really helped my self-confidence (although I still struggle, it did help) and I think that it is helpful to have people that really do know what you are going through that are available to talk.

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 12:02:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: siamsa24 I know what you mean about the counselors, I tend to get frustrated with them after about a week or so. What I have found that works very well is specific group sessions. I don't understand how this can be... You two make it sound as if every counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist is alike in terms of upbringing/experience, knowledge and approach to counseling. I believe that she has had to deal with too much, and has learned how to carry on despite all of it. I think she's fairly young, and not having had a lot of normal exposure, she should talk more to a professional who can help with that while understanding how to work through pain/disappointments she's encountered in life. I have no doubt you are a survivor Darkprincess, but surviving is not the same as living well, and if you open yourself up to healing, than it won't be so hard to trust in the future. It is also not realistic for you to want Dominant men (whom you can't submit to because you have a strong and defensive spirit as a survivor of these horrors), to learn to meet and deal with you "on your level" is not a reasonable or healthy expectation in my view. M

perverseangelic -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 1:09:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig I don't understand how this can be... You two make it sound as if every counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist is alike in terms of upbringing/experience, knowledge and approach to counseling. Well, I know I got frustrated with therapy because it wasn't what I needed. The people I saw had come to the conclution that talking therapy would "fix" me, when in fact I needed to fix the chemicals in my brain. Because my neurotransmitters were still all insane, sitting in a therapists office- any therapist- just made me angry, worried, upset, and sad. So....I can see how one could get turned off to all therapsist, regarldess of approach.

siamsa24 -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 1:25:34 PM)
quote: Well, I know I got frustrated with therapy because it wasn't what I needed. The people I saw had come to the conclution that talking therapy would "fix" me, when in fact I needed to fix the chemicals in my brain. Because my neurotransmitters were still all insane, sitting in a therapists office- any therapist- just made me angry, worried, upset, and sad. This has been my experience as well (although I only suffer from "severe depression and GAD"). The problem that I ran into was the therapists at my school (there are only 3) all approached me in the same way. Basically "let's talk about every traumatic event that has ever happened to you." This is stuff I don't share with anyone, especially not someone I have only known for less then 5 minutes. They also believe in using "talking cure" exclusively. I was on specific drugs for a while that worked wonders, I was able to function normally and was happy. Then I got kicked off medicaid and can't afford it unless I could buy it through the school, and they refuse to write a perscription for it because I "don't need it and it wouldn't help anyway" They basically ignore the fact that it did work and feel that they can "cure" me by talking about very personal things. My group sessions are more like circles where we can just talk about anything, we don't discuss our past, we discuss the present and future. It's not as good as the drug therapy, but it is better then nothing.

sub4hire -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 3:39:36 PM)
By the time I was 21 I had lost my brother to a freak ccident. Three best friends along the way. Grandparents. Basically I had already been to about 150 funerals. I will be 38 next month and it is well over 300 now. I presume you are saying your boyfriend was abusive? Why worry about finding a man at 21? I set goals for myself at 12 that I would not even consider marriage until I was 30. Well seated in my career and ready for that sort of a committment. Can you not go out and have fun with females? If so, you just never know who you may run into. He could end up being a friend and be worth the time and effort to pursue it further. If you want to learn about the lifestyle go to munches. From there you get invited to parties. You don't have to have a relationship to have friends or have fun. All you have to do is open up your horizons enough to allow other's in. Only share yourself with those you feel comfortable. If you don't then do not. Don't be in such a rush either. Try to figure out where you would like to be in ten year's then set out to achieve that. At 21 you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't rush it...just have fun.

darkinshadows -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 5:31:58 PM)
greetings fellow dark[;)] It hurts like f**k doesn't it? And it feels unending, unchanging. People want to change you, instead of nurturing whats inside. So counciling isnt for you. Something to consider though is that there are 'kink-aware' councilors and therapists... you need only look them up. A group may be able to advise. You will find them very understanding and they LISTEN, not expect the earth. Give it a try? One thing I would advise is do not 'look' for anything or anyone. Do not 'search'... just continue building up trust of yourself first. Learn about yourself. Submit to your fears. Recognise them, and then learn about them. Trawl the net is you must, read books. Discover what makes yourself tick, because until you surrender to your pain and your needs, you cannot surrender fully to another. You should desire yourself. Love yourself. See how worthy you are. Even if your 'kink' is humiliation, you must still understand your own worth to not have it anymore.(Does that make sense?) Once you are at peace with yourself - then you will trust again. It takes time. You need patience. Make yourself a person to be proud of. Study... learn... you are 21 ... I am 35 and I am still learning....! It doesn't matter how tough you are, how hard. Learn to soften. You have the ability to learn... so use it. Release yourself from the protection you have placed around you so you can be open and naked to what you can be - not just what you are. Your potential is there. It glows like the beginning of a fire that smoulders waiting for something to catch alight and burn furiously. Even a fire needs to be open to roar! Do not just survive - open yourself to live. Peace and Love

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 5:49:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: perverseangelic The people I saw had come to the conclution that talking therapy would "fix" me, when in fact I needed to fix the chemicals in my brain. Because my neurotransmitters were still all insane, sitting in a therapists office- any therapist- just made me angry, worried, upset, and sad. So how did you get this fixed? With a psychiatrist prescribed regimen or alternatives? I'm also a strong believer that a good support system keeps many of us from needing drugs most days. One of the primary reasons I thought she might benefit from counseling was that most of her problems have come from abnormal relationships around her, and she may have a skewed sense of what things are supposed to be like from never having seen/felt them before... M

siamsa24 -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 6:41:08 PM)
I know you didn't ask me, but the drugs that helped me were not prescribed by a psychiatrist, they were prescribed by my OB/GYN. In fact, when I at last went to the people that were "supposed" to help me they ended up doing more harm then good.

darkprincess21 -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 8:26:24 PM)
WOW, I cannot believe how much support I am seeing in just letting out a little bit of what has happened to me. Before I sort of thought that people would think I was just whining or being self-pitious or something stupid like that. You are all really awesome!!!! anyways, I really appreciate hearing about other peoples experiences and views on things. Thank you all so much. Much love, Katy

MsMacComb -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/25/2005 10:53:45 PM)
darkprincess21, In many cases for some people "talk therapy" is useful. Not so much that the councilor actually does anything for you but the person often figures things out for themself. Over time by hearing their problems and possible solutions coming out of their own mouth, they are able to fix, decide or resolve issues on their own. Oddly enough hearing it out loud is sometimes not the same as "hearing" it inside their head, so to speak. I'm not suggesting that you could or would benefit from this. Just trying to point out that the fact they dont understand and probably never will is not the main issue. If on an off chance it did help, even if its you fixing yourself, it was worth it. The point is to try to have as much of a happy productive and useful life as possible. How you achieve that is somewhat irrelevant. Anyway, good luck and I'm sure there are many people here who would be willing to help if they could, even just to listen (myself included).

perverseangelic -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/26/2005 12:06:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig So how did you get this fixed? With a psychiatrist prescribed regimen or alternatives? I'm also a strong believer that a good support system keeps many of us from needing drugs most days. I am on several drugs, perscribed by a psychiatrist. I can -gaurentee- you that without them I would not be where I am. In my partner, I have the best situation I have ever been in. However, my family is still insane. Before I found the combination of drugs that works, I couldn't even begin to deal with them. Even talking on the phone to my mom sent me into this huge spiral o self-destructive behaviors. Now that I am stable, I am able to realize that she -isn't- my problem and that most of what she says about me isn't true. I don't like being on medication. That I will be on them for as long as I can forsee was one of hte hardest things in my life to accept. However, I've seen what happens when I get off them. Aside from the immediate crash when one comes off, I fall back -immediatly- into the same problems. Even if I come off drugs and dirrectly into continued therapy. I believe that for some people, it is simply a matter of brain chemistry. I am not ok without drugs, medically. I am a pretty cool person without them, but I am, unashamedly, crazy. I don't like being crazy. I like being a functioning adult. Based on trial and error, I know that the best way to make this happen is by staying on the medication I've found to work for me. And I totally agree that the OP would be helped (probably) by therpay. I was simply presenting one reson people might not dig it.

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/26/2005 12:42:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: perverseangelic quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig So how did you get this fixed? With a psychiatrist prescribed regimen or alternatives? I'm also a strong believer that a good support system keeps many of us from needing drugs most days. I am on several drugs, perscribed by a psychiatrist. I can -gaurentee- you that without them I would not be where I am. In my partner, I have the best situation I have ever been in. However, my family is still insane. Before I found the combination of drugs that works, I couldn't even begin to deal with them. Even talking on the phone to my mom sent me into this huge spiral o self-destructive behaviors. Now that I am stable, I am able to realize that she -isn't- my problem and that most of what she says about me isn't true. Thanks for your reply... I'm touched by your candor. Some days I could identify with you on family issues, lol.. M

FangsNfeet -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/26/2005 6:47:08 PM)
"I don't trust men" What a coincidence. I don't trust women. We'll have to have a beer and see what else we have in common sometime but I guess that would have to envolve some trust. Any yahoo, Whatever life has thrown you just realize that you made it this far. I see no reason to give up now. For whatever reason you made this post and put yourself out in the open. That's a sign that you are showing the want to continue to move on. I'd focus less on relationships and more on self recolection. As you've probably told yourself in the back of your head "Only you can save yourself". No Dom, Friend, Man, Women, Dommina, Demon, Angel, or God can do it for you. But the smurfs can cheer you up. Don't let your past make you who are but rather guide your decissions to not make the same mistake.

Kinkypupper -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/26/2005 11:05:06 PM)
You will find that everyone here has some bad things that have happened in their lives. Its not fair , and its not equal. There is a saying "That which does not kill you will make YOU stronger" You have made it this far, You have a long life ahead of you and yes there will be some crappy times. But pleas accept the fact that there will be some VERY good ones as well. And just because one male is a scum bucket does not put ALL of us in the same pile. (hug)

MHOO314 -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/26/2005 11:44:59 PM)
The soul would have no rainbow had the eye no tear.

rubytuesday -> RE: will I ever trust a man again (4/27/2005 2:04:06 AM)
Awwww Mistress Hathor - that is by far the most profound thing I have heard in awhile and so true - thank you for making me smile Ruby

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