PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate

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UR2Badored -> PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 8:36:29 AM)
I found the Passive Aggressive Dom thread to be a real eye opener for me and very informative. I did not want to hijack that thread. I wonder how many people who suffer from this (passive aggressive disorder or any suppossive neurotic order) would be able, inclined, or mentally equipped to recognize a problem. It got me thinking to how we recognize red flags in a relationship or potential relationship. Are we proactive or reactive? I think we all have a tendency, at least I do, to morph off and have a moment of regret. The patterns people display are more telling. In a proactive approach, what is your basic criteria when seeking a mate particularly in this lifestyle? Here are a few of mine: 1) I like to ask about past relationships. I am not so interested in the relationships as I am to his/her role in the relationship and how he/she treats pass partners. Simply to find out if the person is always a victim in relationships or displays any symptoms of grandiosity. If the last few relationships were really bad and entirely the other person's fault, that is a big red flag. 2) If they identify as a Sadist, I want to know exactly how they relate to that term and not just what he/she is labeled as. I think there is a distinct difference between consensual sensual pain and a desire to inflict real pain and harm. I dont tend to think that all people see the two distinctly. 3) Can one admit to mistakes in everyday life? Is one constantly defending the actions in a self-righteous way? Does he/she displays any signs of responsibility and fair judgement? Questions about his/her job can be helpful in this. 4) How does he/she react to confrontation in a conversation? I want to know if they cope by retreating or by having an honest open dialogue. Does he/she have difficulty in OCDing and have a tendency to rehash past experiences? It is funny, but I dont necessarily look for someone with similar "lifestyle" (sorry not enough coffee yet to think of a better word) interests. I find that the best Dominant/sub experiences I have are with people who did not necessarily fit my sensual activities criteria (people vary). If the chemistry is right, I am open to new things (for the most part). 5) Is having the same sensual interests part of your criterial for you search? Needless to say exploring the same interests is fine......it is more of a question to how highly you might rate it on your criteria for finding a mate. 6) When seeking a Dominant, I want to know if they want things his/her way or if he/she has any concern for submissive's welfare. I am not seeking a tyrant. 7) I try to access if I truly admire a person and seek out a person with character. It is very important in my criteria to find someone I truly adore as opposed to me "roleplaying" a submissive. I like to learn about a person's childhood and their struggles. 8)I also tend to be suspicious of someone who is too caught up in labels. Just because someone slaps on labels or hasnt slap on labels for that matter has no bearing on me. I want to make/form my own opinion on whether someone has qualities.....not have someone list them in a font as "proof". (I am a hypocrite see #2) 9)Does relationships to family members play a role in your criteria? I know that balance is key to all things. I know that people want things like humor, empathy, and intelligence...but I am asking about criteria and questions you base/access judgements or red flags on a potential mate. This may be common sense to some, but I am genuinely curious to what other's criteria might be as an added insight in a future search. 10)Do you based your criteria (red flags) as you go along or before you initiate the relationship? Thanks for any insight on this--I enjoy the different perspectives from this board.

DesertRat -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 8:44:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UR2Badored ...I wonder how many people who suffer from this (passive aggressive disorder or any suppossive neurotic order)... I don't see it as a disorder that someone suffers from. I view it as a set of behaviors that anyone can engage in. It's my choice whether I use it or abstain from it. Bob

UR2Badored -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 8:47:31 AM)
I probably was not very clear......I have read some articles on the subject and some discussions do not even consider it a disorder at all. My key interests here are the different perspectives in criteria when choosing a mate.

happypervert -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 8:50:51 AM)
Everything you said makes sense. However I suspect that while most will agree with that list of criteria, when it comes down to it they subconsciously seek others who have compatible dysfunctions. Even the passive agressives will find someone who is codependent or otherwise will only thrive with someone who is equally fucked up.

MstrssPassion -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 8:56:18 AM)
compatible dysfunctions... lol I laugh but I also agree. I think this just might be a great goal for many... lay it all out there, all the sorted details... seeing that buyer beware isn't considered & the results are so many vendictive retorts

DesertRat -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 9:02:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion compatible dysfunctions... lol I laugh but I also agree. I think this just might be a great goal for many... lay it all out there, all the sorted details... seeing that buyer beware isn't considered & the results are so many vendictive retorts Yeah, compatible dysfunctions, complementary neuroses, whatever we call it, it all boils down to individual preference and tolerance. Bob

Suleiman -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 1:29:46 PM)
My criteria: 1) Must know that I am married, and that I have no intention of leaving my wife. 2) My wife must approve. 3) Must be capable of at least behaving civilly towards my wife, if not get along with her. 4) Must be someone I am willing to spend 'nilla time with, which basically means they have to be a serious geek. Preference is towards SciFi fans and old-school Gamers, but other sorts of intellectuals and academics are acceptable as long as whatever it is that they're passionate about is something that I'm interested in. History is great, for instance. Philately is not. 5) Must be capable of waiting until I know them well enough to assess whether I want to consider becoming comitted to them. That can take weeks or months of face-to-face interaction before I'm willing to decide I want to play with them, and years to decide if they are someone I want to commit to. If I'm unwilling to commit, I quickly lose interest (although I have, for the most part, remained on good terms with past lovers). I am intensely proactive in my search, keeping in mind not only my own experiences, but those of my friends and family as well. I've managed to avoid a lot of bad stuff over the years by learning from other people's mistakes.

KatyLied -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 2:02:31 PM)
I like to get to know the person first. I ask about their daily life - work, interests, hobbies, inquire about what sort of relationship they have with: their friends, ex's, um's, family. I don't rush into conversations about sex and kink and anyone who hurries that along won't get far with me. The things I will rule out quickly: a physical sadist, becuase I don't enjoy pain and I don't want to endure a lot of it, that much I am sure of, someone who is desperate and in a rush to make a relationship happen. I'm not desperately seeking and I don't want to be with someone who is desperate, to me that is indicative of some interpersonal issues that I don't want to be a part of.

OedipusRexIt -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 3:59:26 PM)
I have finally thrown out all my criteria, except: You must be able to think and communicate coherently. Beyond that, I really have made a concerted effort to throw out all the other checklist stuff, and attempt to respond to individuals on a gut level. It's opened my world, as well as a chasm here and there, but it's working for me. What works for you could well be different.

Griswold -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 4:05:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UR2Badored I found the Passive Aggressive Dom thread to be a real eye opener for me and very informative. I did not want to hijack that thread. I wonder how many people who suffer from this (passive aggressive disorder or any suppossive neurotic order) would be able, inclined, or mentally equipped to recognize a problem. It got me thinking to how we recognize red flags in a relationship or potential relationship. Are we proactive or reactive? I think we all have a tendency, at least I do, to morph off and have a moment of regret. The patterns people display are more telling. In a proactive approach, what is your basic criteria when seeking a mate particularly in this lifestyle? Here are a few of mine: 1) I like to ask about past relationships. I am not so interested in the relationships as I am to his/her role in the relationship and how he/she treats pass partners. Simply to find out if the person is always a victim in relationships or displays any symptoms of grandiosity. If the last few relationships were really bad and entirely the other person's fault, that is a big red flag. 2) If they identify as a Sadist, I want to know exactly how they relate to that term and not just what he/she is labeled as. I think there is a distinct difference between consensual sensual pain and a desire to inflict real pain and harm. I dont tend to think that all people see the two distinctly. 3) Can one admit to mistakes in everyday life? Is one constantly defending the actions in a self-righteous way? Does he/she displays any signs of responsibility and fair judgement? Questions about his/her job can be helpful in this. 4) How does he/she react to confrontation in a conversation? I want to know if they cope by retreating or by having an honest open dialogue. Does he/she have difficulty in OCDing and have a tendency to rehash past experiences? It is funny, but I dont necessarily look for someone with similar "lifestyle" (sorry not enough coffee yet to think of a better word) interests. I find that the best Dominant/sub experiences I have are with people who did not necessarily fit my sensual activities criteria (people vary). If the chemistry is right, I am open to new things (for the most part). 5) Is having the same sensual interests part of your criterial for you search? Needless to say exploring the same interests is fine......it is more of a question to how highly you might rate it on your criteria for finding a mate. 6) When seeking a Dominant, I want to know if they want things his/her way or if he/she has any concern for submissive's welfare. I am not seeking a tyrant. 7) I try to access if I truly admire a person and seek out a person with character. It is very important in my criteria to find someone I truly adore as opposed to me "roleplaying" a submissive. I like to learn about a person's childhood and their struggles. 8)I also tend to be suspicious of someone who is too caught up in labels. Just because someone slaps on labels or hasnt slap on labels for that matter has no bearing on me. I want to make/form my own opinion on whether someone has qualities.....not have someone list them in a font as "proof". (I am a hypocrite see #2) 9)Does relationships to family members play a role in your criteria? I know that balance is key to all things. I know that people want things like humor, empathy, and intelligence...but I am asking about criteria and questions you base/access judgements or red flags on a potential mate. This may be common sense to some, but I am genuinely curious to what other's criteria might be as an added insight in a future search. 10)Do you based your criteria (red flags) as you go along or before you initiate the relationship? Thanks for any insight on this--I enjoy the different perspectives from this board. (I thought you were talking about that acne stuff they talk about on channel 39 at 4:30 a.m.)

Celeste43 -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/17/2007 4:10:09 PM)
No sadism. I'm not a masochist and I deleted any email saying he would train me to be one. I'm a wimp and proud of it. Bondage and sex. Intelligent, educated, travelled, and also competent with his hands. Most things that go wrong in life are small things, washing machine backs up, garage door stops working. If you need to wait three days to get anything fixed everything else becomes problematic in the meantime. A man who can jury rig a solution until the repairman comes, or even better fix it himself is someone who can solve the small problems, who makes life enormously easier. The Man and I were still LDR when my beginning driver drove into the garage door track. Instead of having to pay for an emergency repair or wait several days, he talked me through repairing it myself. I was incredibly relieved, grateful, happy etc. Someone else who is as clueless as me would not complement my life. Has children and is passionately devoted to them. Pays support on time and gladly. Knows what's going on in their lives. He may not know their shoe sizes, but he knows who their best friends are and what subjects are their best and worst in school. Talks to their guidance councillors regularly and insists on being kept in the loop. I have contempt and disdain for men who get divorced, bad mouth the ex's raising and yet never see them, don't pay support, have no place for them to come stay, and when with them and a date turn over all his responsibility to the date of the week.

Halley -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/18/2007 9:16:40 PM)
must be intelligent must have a sense of humor no drama queens must be able to hold an interesting conversation

MzMia -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/18/2007 9:21:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UR2Badored I found the Passive Aggressive Dom thread to be a real eye opener for me and very informative. I did not want to hijack that thread. I wonder how many people who suffer from this (passive aggressive disorder or any suppossive neurotic order) would be able, inclined, or mentally equipped to recognize a problem. It got me thinking to how we recognize red flags in a relationship or potential relationship. Are we proactive or reactive? I think we all have a tendency, at least I do, to morph off and have a moment of regret. The patterns people display are more telling. In a proactive approach, what is your basic criteria when seeking a mate particularly in this lifestyle? Here are a few of mine: 1) I like to ask about past relationships. I am not so interested in the relationships as I am to his/her role in the relationship and how he/she treats pass partners. Simply to find out if the person is always a victim in relationships or displays any symptoms of grandiosity. If the last few relationships were really bad and entirely the other person's fault, that is a big red flag. 2) If they identify as a Sadist, I want to know exactly how they relate to that term and not just what he/she is labeled as. I think there is a distinct difference between consensual sensual pain and a desire to inflict real pain and harm. I dont tend to think that all people see the two distinctly. 3) Can one admit to mistakes in everyday life? Is one constantly defending the actions in a self-righteous way? Does he/she displays any signs of responsibility and fair judgement? Questions about his/her job can be helpful in this. 4) How does he/she react to confrontation in a conversation? I want to know if they cope by retreating or by having an honest open dialogue. Does he/she have difficulty in OCDing and have a tendency to rehash past experiences? It is funny, but I dont necessarily look for someone with similar "lifestyle" (sorry not enough coffee yet to think of a better word) interests. I find that the best Dominant/sub experiences I have are with people who did not necessarily fit my sensual activities criteria (people vary). If the chemistry is right, I am open to new things (for the most part). 5) Is having the same sensual interests part of your criterial for you search? Needless to say exploring the same interests is fine......it is more of a question to how highly you might rate it on your criteria for finding a mate. 6) When seeking a Dominant, I want to know if they want things his/her way or if he/she has any concern for submissive's welfare. I am not seeking a tyrant. 7) I try to access if I truly admire a person and seek out a person with character. It is very important in my criteria to find someone I truly adore as opposed to me "roleplaying" a submissive. I like to learn about a person's childhood and their struggles. 8)I also tend to be suspicious of someone who is too caught up in labels. Just because someone slaps on labels or hasnt slap on labels for that matter has no bearing on me. I want to make/form my own opinion on whether someone has qualities.....not have someone list them in a font as "proof". (I am a hypocrite see #2) 9)Does relationships to family members play a role in your criteria? I know that balance is key to all things. I know that people want things like humor, empathy, and intelligence...but I am asking about criteria and questions you base/access judgements or red flags on a potential mate. This may be common sense to some, but I am genuinely curious to what other's criteria might be as an added insight in a future search. 10)Do you based your criteria (red flags) as you go along or before you initiate the relationship? Thanks for any insight on this--I enjoy the different perspectives from this board. Wonderful post, I get to know a person WELL before I meet them real-time. I want to know all the 10 points you have listed and more [:D], if you are seeking more than a good time and a play partner it is hard to KNOW too much about a person. Great thing I always thought I would love to be a detective Well I play my own detective when it comes down to me and my life. Funny I have never heard anyone complain they knew too much about someone they met or wanted to get involved with. It takes time to get to know someone, find out how they really are and live and to get details, I don't know of any shortcuts. Of course I don't expect to everything prior to meeting, but I want to know a certain amount to even bother or feel comfortable enough to meet them. I feel as you do on this, I take people seriously who I want to bring into my space, my world, or my life. Yet so many are eager to jump into meeting and relationships, amazing and amusing, great post.[:)]

OedipusRexIt -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/18/2007 10:59:46 PM)
It is a wonderful post, and full of good insights. I can understand how these criteria will help some people a lot - a good thing. There isn't much that is meaningful and tangible, though, without the opportunity to gaze across the table and into a pair of live, expressive eyes. Who hasn't fell for words on a page, or all the right answers?

MzMia -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/18/2007 11:10:57 PM)
I think you missed mine and the OP's point of view. I have been around the block and I was not born last night. We are looking for a lot more than looking into someone's eyes over a table. That was fine for me, 20 years ago. As someone else said, if I wanted to meet every man I exchanged emails with, I would be spending all my time meeting STRANGERS and that does nothing for ME. [;)] I have found that IF you actually talk about the 10 points and MORE that are listed for a few weeks in detail, you WILL discover many things about the other person. Most people do not discuss all those things when they first meet. I can totally understand why a man, would want to run out and meet a woman right away. But many of us, go about it a different way. I have found it is hard to lie, and keep up the lies {like being single and available, etc.} when you are talking on the phone on a regular basis. You might even be surprised at the men on this site that can't give their home numbers or are UNABLE to talk on the phone on a regular basis because of {their living arrangements}. hahahahahaha, please If what you are doing works for you, great. But it does NOT seem to work for many online, yet they keep doing the same stupid things. The mark of insanity is, well doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. This is working for the OP and myself.[:D] I can always understand why a woman would want to error on the side of caution, and why a man would not.

MzMia -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/18/2007 11:16:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied I like to get to know the person first. I ask about their daily life - work, interests, hobbies, inquire about what sort of relationship they have with: their friends, ex's, um's, family. I don't rush into conversations about sex and kink and anyone who hurries that along won't get far with me. The things I will rule out quickly: a physical sadist, becuase I don't enjoy pain and I don't want to endure a lot of it, that much I am sure of, someone who is desperate and in a rush to make a relationship happen. I'm not desperately seeking and I don't want to be with someone who is desperate, to me that is indicative of some interpersonal issues that I don't want to be a part of. I totally agree, if the submissive can't take the time out to get to know me and move at my pace he can exercise his other option. the highway I will not be rushed, pushed or intimadated, I rather say--> goodbye. Funny, so many of the men that are road kill due to attempting to rush to meet me, are still looking years later, what were they rushing me for? so they could search forever? LOL

OedipusRexIt -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/18/2007 11:20:10 PM)
I respect your need for caution, and your right to exercise it as you see fit. My own brand of caution, like my own experiences, differ. I'm glad your methods work for you, and didn't disparage them. Please extend a reciprocal courtesy, sans snarkieness. Much can be hidden from view online, as well as in plain sight. I prefer to look into those eyes (it was a metaphor, my dear) and make my judgements in person.

MzMia -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/18/2007 11:25:39 PM)
To each their own! Whatever works for you! This works for ME. I met my exhusband 9 years ago online and we became great friends PRIOR to meeting. We are divorced and we are the best of friends, I don't know any other divorced people that are friends like we are. WHY? We were friends before we met, after we met, and after we divorced. [:D] In fact he just fixed my computer! My way works for me, so I will continue doing what I do.[:D]

MzMia -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/18/2007 11:32:03 PM)
Also, SOME of us ladies are hard to get, ya know? Everyone CANT be so easy, I love being hard to get. Would not change it...nope. I don't play hard to get, I AM hard to get. [:D]

WhiplashSmile -> RE: PROACTIVE: Criteria in Seeking Your Mate (4/18/2007 11:54:41 PM)
I just went through something, I don't consider this to be P/A behavior. However, I found myself growing less tolerent of something. I was dealing with one where a series of lies and bullshit was coming undone. The first couple of times I caught them lieing, I offered geniune ear for understanding. However, the more the Bullshit and Lies started to come updone. I found myself, simply getting pissed off.. because I was so confused about where the lies end the truth begins. Anyways, needless to say.. I totally ran out of patient and understanding. I tried to deal with 4 more red flags and lies within a 24 hour period and just snapped. I had enough, it was like the straw the broke the camels back. I found myself expressing scarcastic things and actually even was laughing about it. I was trying my best to seek out understanding and hear explainations, however it was just more Bullshit upon layers of bullshit. Got to the point I did not trust anymore. So I simply went off on 'em and kicked them to the curb. It was not something I enjoyed doing either.

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