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thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 11:58:59 AM   
angeleyez1983


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		i met a Dom about 3 months ago, and have been exploring the lifestyle with Him for the last month.  Although i am a newbie to the lifestyle, I have read many things online, and done a large amount of research since a young age. 

When we are in a scene, i am very happy to give up that control, but as soon as we are in an “everyday” situation, i often find myself having to bite my tongue, or getting annoyed when he corrects me.  i don’t mean to develop this attitude, and i know its still very early stages for me to just changed my old ways, but i am trying hard.  i have fantasised about entering this lifestyle for so long, and now i found someone who is happy to guide me, and He is everything i could ask for in a Master, but i am finding it hard to make that final transition.

i would like some thoughts / advice / guidance from other submissive’s to please help me take that final step.

< Message edited by angeleyez1983 -- 4/17/2007 11:59:39 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 12:02:20 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You are doing fine.  Be patient and laugh with yourself.  As you said, this is still very new and you have to LEARN new behaviors and patterns.  That's what training is.  I'd be surprised if you still didn't have occasional quirks even two years from now.

It took you your whole life to develop what you are now- it's going to take a little time and effort to get you to change things.

You're realizing that fantasy is great, but you gotta work for it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to angeleyez1983)
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RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 12:07:09 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		The best thing I could say is that opening up about your feelings could be very helpful. In other words, talk to your dom and tell him sometimes you feel angry, frustrated, annoyed with your submission to him. These are feelings, and feelings are never wrong, it is what we do about our feelings that leads to the trouble

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to angeleyez1983)
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RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 12:53:35 PM   
Casie


Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		What you're feeling is very normal. It's common to be fusterated with your submission at times expessailly in the begining. Habits are hard to break, and you are learning new habits. With time it will come more naturally. I've been at this submission for 4 yrs and I still get those feelings from time to time. Hang in there doll. 

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 1:34:16 PM   
angeleyez1983


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for you help!  i really appreciate this. 

LA, you are right, I should laugh at myself more, which i did, i was doing some work, and i just thought about this situation, and i laughed about it, and it immediately made me feel better.  As if all the tension was just released. 

Casie, thank you for the for kind words…it is good to know that there are people out there who have gone through what I am going through, for a while I was very shy about it, and didn’t want to really get in contact with other people, but its true, many friends don’t know what i am feeling because either they feel my fantasies are “weird” or they don’t know that side of me.  Its important to get actively involved in the lifestyle, and not just want to be in parts of it that makes me comfortable. 

juliaoceania, I have started to compose in writing my thoughts and my frustrations, He encourages me to write to him, and tell Him what i am feeling, and although sometimes i don’t always want to share, communication is very important, even if its things He might not like to hear.

i realised something…its not about me, and always getting what I want…its about me doing things that please Him, and in the end both of us being satisfied in the end results.

Thanx guys….i am sure there will be MANY more questions!

(in reply to Casie)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 2:01:49 PM   
OnlyHis


Posts: 137
Joined: 2/25/2004
Status: offline 		The only advice i can give you is take it one day at a time. Both of you will make mistakes and likely anger one another at times. Allow yourself to learn from your mistakes, from what makes you angry. And take your time. There is a whole new world to discover and experience within the lifestyle, take it slow and enjoy it.


(in reply to angeleyez1983)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 2:09:12 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		I had the same problems. I love to give up the control in the bedroom or during scenes. But I soon found out that giving up everyday control was something I didn't get much satisfaction from. But I did try for a few months so I can't be accused of not trying. I came to the conclusion that maybe I'm just a playbottom. And for the last couple of months my relationship has taken a different dynamic accordingly. Full time subbing to somebody is not for everyone and I do admire those who are able to do it, but it took just as much courage for me to admit that I was in fact just a bottom and not generally submissive as it took to admit for me that I was a kinkster. Give it your best shot and use the time to get to know yourself, your needs and wants. You'll find your balance in the end  Best wishes.

edit: bleh, this was in reply to the original post.

(in reply to OnlyHis)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 2:19:24 PM   
thirdPaw


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		I find this thread very interesting because I'm wrestling with the same thoughts myself. I don't want to hijack the thread, but it seems like no-one has posed this opinion yet...

My inclination is to question whether you should have to be submissive in everyday life. Every relationship is different. If your dominant requires that you cede your everyday control and it is not so fundamental to yourself that you would not be the person you want to be without it, then I it's something to work at. If it is not something that you can give up, then that may be something to realise and deal with early.

I'd be interested to hear the thoughts of angeleyez1983 and others on this

(in reply to OnlyHis)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 2:52:49 PM   
firesign


Posts: 19
Joined: 7/7/2005
Status: offline 		I had this experience in a relationship (having the everyday control grate on me), and I think it's because he didn't take the time to get to know me *outside* of a submissive role.  Towards the end, I realized that all he really knew about me was whether or not I enjoyed the things he liked to do.  So he'd try to help me change negative things about myself, but he'd do it in a way that didn't really fit with how I operate.  Should I have changed my operations for him?  Possibly, but it's quite hard to do when the person isn't aware of what they're making you change - or even that they're making you change at all.  It was like unintentional pain.  I'm not all that masochistic, but I'll accept quite a bit of pain as long as I trust that they know how much they're hurting me.  It's the difference between accidentally stepping on my foot and doing it on purpose.  On purpose is fun; accidentally sucks.   

I don't really have any advice, but I hope that sharing the experience might help in some way.  :)

Good luck,
firesign

(in reply to thirdPaw)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 3:25:02 PM   
angeleyez1983


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		This is a very good question thirdPaw and it was something i asked myself many many times before i took the step into this relationship.  Would i want to give up that control in everyday life, or would it just be sexual and the answer was yes, i do, and with Him, it is so much more than just the sex aspect.  It appeals to me very much to give up that control in every day, certain things He lets me have control over certain things,  things regarding my work mainly, otherwise, i am very much happy to want to give up that control in everyday, but wanting to do it, and actually doing it is different things.    

firesign is right… i have met many Doms, who are only interested in what pleases them, but He is very caring, and very gentle in all aspects, He wants to know about me, and what is inside me, inside and outside of play.

i enjoy hearing all these experiences, i think reading what others goes through, gives you a new perspective on things you are going through, and it eases your mind.

(in reply to firesign)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 5:41:50 PM   
raevnn


Posts: 152
Status: offline 		Every step of this 'journey' (I apologise for using cliche terms, I really do) has challenges and hurdles. Sometimes, we fight the most just before we overcome those hurdles.

It helps to be able to write it down or talk about it or think about later and attempt to figure out why you might be fighting his control. Sometimes it's conditioning or fear or something from your childhood popping up... or, it could be as simple a thing as not having enough sleep or being hungry.


_____________________________

-raevnn

(in reply to angeleyez1983)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 6:05:41 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Three months is way too early to be giving over total control and to feel comfortable doing so. The Man took control of one thing at a time and allowed me to become comfortable with the first before adding the second. And on the things I balked at he didn't push, he just let it drop for months and moved on to something else. But at three months we really didn't know each other very well and I was still slowly putting down my defences and learning to trust him and that he was someone I could depend on.

(in reply to raevnn)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 6:11:57 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		If I may, from the otehr side of the training. We dont expect our pets to become the perfect subs overnight. I would not be surprised if your Master knows what you are struggling with. It is possible you may not be expected to be submissive in everyday life, not yet at least.  I have had my boy Angel for nearly 8 months and I am still quite tolerant of his less than submisive behavior in everyday life sometimes. AS long as it isnt necessarily innapropriate, he is still adjusting. It will take time and as long as I see improvements I am not going to get upset.
The best advice is talk to him about how you are feeling.  See if maybe he has some advice about what you should be doing, or how you are doing. You might be surprised, he might be happier with how you are progressing than you know.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 6:57:57 PM   
angeleyez1983


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		He often tells me He is very happy with the progress i have made, and is very happy with where i am going, so the doubt is purely within myself, sometimes i feel like i should be doing more, or getting frustrated about silly things, which i do need to work through.  He is very tolerant about my behaviour, considering i have relatively new to the lifestyle.

But having spoken about this, i feel less of that self doubt, and know i am trying hard. 

Thank you again for all the advice everyone

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/17/2007 10:05:30 PM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		We are frequently our harshest critics.

Give yourself a chance...you're doing fine. ~s~

(in reply to angeleyez1983)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: thoughts / advice / guidence from other subs - 4/18/2007 4:52:30 AM   
Obsidiansnamaste


Posts: 266
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angeleyez1983

i realised something…its not about me, and always getting what I want…its about me doing things that please Him, and in the end both of us being satisfied in the end results.

Thanx guys….i am sure there will be MANY more questions!



Greetings angeleyez,

you are 100% correct in your observation. If He began to let you rule the relationship or rule yourself, the relationship would become vanilla and not be satisfying to either partner. Remembering that we submit because it fulfills us ultimately can help a great deal when situations occur and we automatically resist that submission.



_____________________________

Always in His service,

~Master Obsidians namaste
http://houseobsidian.wordpress.com
http://his-namaste.livejournal.com

(in reply to angeleyez1983)
Profile   Post #: 16
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