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an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 1:12:19 PM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		I’ve not posted this before, mainly because I’ve not been able to get my head around it until now, and I’m not too sure I have even now.
 
It was Friday night, last week. With the UMs away for the night. A guy I’ve known for some time came round to talk about the problems he was having with his girlfriend; I seem to be everyone’s informal life counsellor where I live, so that was no big thing.
 
We talked. He then got closer and closer until after about an hour I guess, he began what I can only describe as a two hour sexual assault. And yes, he knows my background. Throughout he was calm, but forceful, and being much stronger than I, pretty much did as he wanted, short of raping me.
 
I fought. I hit him, kicked him, shouted and screamed at him. But he would stop for a minute at that, and then resume, telling me that if I wanted to be a woman then he was doing me a favour and showing me what that meant and that I should get used to being treated this way and take it as a compliment.
 
I’ve known this guy for a long time, I know his girlfriend and I know his mom and dad. Somehow with knowing this guy I couldn’t bring myself to do anything that radical to stop him. I have to admit I was scared too, since however hard I hit him it made little difference to him, it was as if he didn’t feel it.
 
This guy has some major issues with his relationship with women – that I know from previous sessions. He is a mixed up ball of awe, love, lust, fear, anger and hatred when it comes to women. He has also made clear in the past that he has done similar things to other women that he did to me last Friday, so its hardly an aberration.
 
Was I the surrogate for his anger the other night? Someone sufficiently representative of woman who isn’t really a woman, making it OK in his eyes to exorcise his demons on me?
 
Is this guy a potential rapist that I should report, even though I have no proof but my own testimony, and reporting it would mean enormous problems for me as well as him? Is he working on the basis that I want to avoid publicity of my situation, so I’m an ideal victim?
 
Should I take it as a compliment?
 
E

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 1:17:39 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen
I’ve known this guy for a long time, I know his girlfriend and I know his mom and dad. Somehow with knowing this guy I couldn’t bring myself to do anything that radical to stop him. I have to admit I was scared too, since however hard I hit him it made little difference to him, it was as if he didn’t feel it.

While it's understandable, you should have ordered him to leave after the very first incident.  You need to do something to teach yourself to be comfortable doing this so you don't have this happen to you again.

quote:

Was I the surrogate for his anger the other night? Someone sufficiently representative of woman who isn’t really a woman, making it OK in his eyes to exorcise his demons on me?

I think he's an asshole who was taking advantage of someone who happened to be available.

quote:

Is this guy a potential rapist that I should report, even though I have no proof but my own testimony, and reporting it would mean enormous problems for me as well as him? Is he working on the basis that I want to avoid publicity of my situation, so I’m an ideal victim?

Should I take it as a compliment?

E

You should take it as a warning of your own weakness and work on it, be grateful it wasn't worse.

You can decide for yourself if you wish to press charges and go through that- there's too much personally involved for anyone here to advise on that.  Is he a potential rapist?  Perhaps, though it seems like he would have that night if that's where he was going.

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 1:21:04 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I would make a police report, at least get some order of protection, restraining order, or the like. If he thinks he can attack you whenever he feels like it, it may not be the last time. He sounds like a real sicko and I would not associate with him or anyone close to him

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 1:24:52 PM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		he's on the phone to me now. Doesnt recall anything. Called me whilst I was posting would you believe.....

E

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 1:31:16 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I do not believe he does not remember.

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 1:34:10 PM   
farglebargle


Posts: 10715
Joined: 6/15/2005
From: Albany, NY
Status: offline 		I don't think it MATTERS if he remembers, YOU DO.



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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 1:39:54 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I can't believe you answered the phone and talked to him about it.  Do you find it exciting to be violated?

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 1:50:25 PM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		Well, he's now off the phone. It gets better. He doesnt remember because he had shot up on his girlfriend's drugs, apparently. He doesnt remember wrecking my front room, waking the neighbours up when I finally got rid of him or the stuff I posted above. How he remembers shooting up but nothing else is quite interesting. That he shot up with someone else's needle makes things really interesting, for me anyway.

And conciliatory tone? Reminds me of a politician at work. "oh? what did I do? do you forgive me? etc etc" I'm not accepting any apologies mind you - he doesnt remember it, so how can he apologise exactly? His call has made me angry though, just calling me as if nothing had happened. Now normally he would have just banged on my door and forced his way in unannounced had he wanted to talk to me - so phoning tells me something.

E

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 1:52:18 PM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I can't believe you answered the phone and talked to him about it.  Do you find it exciting to be violated?


The number was withheld LA and I have several CM people from whom I'm expecting calls who do the same. He called my 2nd mobile number that I use for that purpose.

E

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:00:24 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		Lady Ellen,

To me, what you are describing is just plain rape. No means no. Doesn't matter when during the process the no is spoken, whether you know the person or not. If it had been me (and yes I have been raped before) I'd charge him with rape. Just my two cents.

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:00:42 PM   
Marc2b


Posts: 6660
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline 		Having issues does not give a person carte blanch to violate other people. I have issues. You have issues. We all have issues. But most of us don’t use them as excuses to be assholes. His statement that he was showing you what it meant to be a woman is frightening. It shows that he is both selfish and incapable of distinguishing between fantasy and reality. This guy is clearly a danger to women and I agree with juliaoceania, you should file a police report and then disassociate yourself from him. If he hasn’t raped anyone yet, it is only a matter of time before he does and your documenting his actions may prove important in convicting him.

You are only a victim if you allow yourself to be.

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:09:23 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen
The number was withheld LA and I have several CM people from whom I'm expecting calls who do the same. He called my 2nd mobile number that I use for that purpose.

E

But you KEPT talking to him once you answered and realized it was him.

And somehow you expect that "normally he would have just banged on my door and forced his way in unannounced had he wanted to talk to me"?

I have to ask whether you don't really believe this guy is acting inappropriately or whether you somehow want it to continue? 

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:19:16 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I don’t believe you were weak at all. When something like this happens your entire being goes into survival mode. If you needed to pacify him to calm him down or whatever then you did the right thing. It must have been very frightening for you at the time and Im truly sorry you had to go through such an ordeal.
Over here in the UK we can report an incident without having investigated. They keep that incident on record and you are given a crime number so that if anything related happens again the police have an on going report. Can you do the same in the US?

The other thing you should do, if you are not going to charge this guy, is write it all down in your own hand writing. Do it while it is still very fresh in your mind and don’t leave anything out. Date it and then send the letter to a friend and ask her to keep it. Tell the guy that you have told a friend or even made out a crime report. Don’t let this guy believe that you have done nothing otherwise he may be tempted to repeat himself.

Whatever you do I wish you well.

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:19:31 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

Is this guy a potential rapist that I should report, even though I have no proof but my own testimony, and reporting it would mean enormous problems for me as well as him? Is he working on the basis that I want to avoid publicity of my situation, so I’m an ideal victim?



A potential rapist is like a potential murderer, everybody is one. Having worked for quite a few years with rapists of one sort or the other, there doesn't seem to be a particualr type of person that is a rapist. There are many motivations and prompts that spark people into commiting a rape. Some are heat of the moment and some are painstakingly prepared. Some feel like they are falsely accused and maybe they are and some talk quite openly and in minute detail about their crime. It is common in social work circles to say that rape is about power but I've got a couple of friends who specialised psychiatry and sexual crimes and have the best part of 80 years experience between them and they say they wish it was that simple but it obviously isn't. It's a mistake to see rape as a single crime through the eyes of the perpetrator any more than murder can be seen as a single crime. The end result is the same, you have a rape victim or a murder victim but the motivating factors are potentially infinite and may never be understood. Which I guess is toi say, yes, he is a potential rapist but then every man you meet is a potential rapist and some of the rapists I worked with are some of the friendliest and most social people you could wish to meet.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 4/17/2007 2:21:28 PM >

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:27:43 PM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		I get where youre coming from LA - it does sound daft I know.

People knock the door, I answer the door. If its him, and I dont want to talk to him, he will push his way in. He's stronger than I am - what am I to do? I could put the chain on, but he'd rip that off, no doubt.

Last Friday night, he left at around 1am. He then spent the next five hours knocking on my door and every other door in our little block. And when I say knock, I mean bang so hard I thought the door would give in at times. All the neighbours were out at one point - he tried it on with my female neighbour (elderly), he nearly got in a fight with the guy over the way (wished he had). I ignored him and have been ignoring him since - and he has no idea why.

I really am at the end of tether with it all. I can either open the door or be kept up all night. I could call the police, but then I have to face his mom - a good catholic woman whose darling boy is just misunderstood, and his girlfriend - an addict out on parole for assault. So I just ignore him and listen to the crashing and banging.

E

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:30:55 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline 		Lady-E,

I am posting these links because it echo’s your experience.  

http://www.crimelibrary.com/classics4/brandon/

http://www.glbtq.com/social-sciences/teena_b.html

Please do me a favor and get a restraining/protective order against this person so I wont have to fret over you more than I already do. I know I am being selfish… but I am a selfish manipulative bastard Troll and it is expected.

Slurp

Loki

< Message edited by FukinTroll -- 4/17/2007 2:31:37 PM >

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:31:20 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well it's your choice to remain helpless and continue- but why start posting for advice if you aren't going to take any steps to change the situation?

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:35:19 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		you said, short of rape...but still characterized this as a sexual assault...aren't they basically the same thing?  are you wondering if it was consensual or not?
 
some folks enjoy consensual rape/sexual assault.....not the play kind.  the kind with kicking and punching, bruising and screaming, crying and begging for it to stop---and it happens as the rapist wants it to, regardless of any attempts to stop them, just like when it isn't consensual.
 
this slave used to live next door to this chick we'll call Maria.  Maria let this slave know that if there was ever a time when a man was observed breaking into Maria's home, climbing through her bedroom window at any time, night or day, please, for the love of God, DO NOT call the cops in an attempt to save Maria--no matter what--it was Maria's kink, and part of it was that Maria herself didn't even know what day he would come, or who it would be, or what would happen to Maria---Maria's S/O was in prison and since he couldn't indulge Maria himself, he arranged for these things, through his network of buddies leaving the system, according to Maria.  the last guy he sent gave Maria a screaming case of herpes.
 
of the many points to the story, the main perspective this slave is trying to convey is this:
 
If having your home and your body violated by a needle sharing neighbor with or without issues or a girlfriend while your UM's happen not to be there is ok with you, who are we to suggest you involve yourself with the authorities, expose your life choices and/or His behavior to the neighborhood or take it as anything less than a compliment?
 
If not, then taking action to prevent re-occurrances would seem to be your best choice.

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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:40:20 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
If having your home and your body violated by a needle sharing neighbor with or without issues or a girlfriend while your UM's happen not to be there is ok with you, who are we to suggest you involve yourself with the authorities, expose your life choices and/or His behavior to the neighborhood or take it as anything less than a compliment?

If not, then taking action to prevent re-occurrances would seem to be your best choice.

Yes, this is why I have asked in this thread also as it seems part of her wants it to happen and continue.  There are confusing signals here, first it's "I seem to be everyone’s informal life counsellor where I live, so that was no big thing." and then she was bothered enough by his behavior to come to the boards and ask about it, but then she talks to him on the phone like it's ok, but then she doesn't WANT him to bang on her door all night and it upsets her, but she chooses not to face the consequences of changing it.

So I'm at a loss as to whether she wants it or not- I agree, if she wants this, go for it.  But the signals she's putting out here are all over the place.


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RE: an ideal victim? - 4/17/2007 2:44:35 PM   
Twicehappy2x


Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll


Please do me a favor and get a restraining/protective order against this person so I wont have to fret over you more than I already do. I know I am being selfish… but I am a selfish manipulative bastard Troll and it is expected.


Ditto and double Ditto. Get a restraining order, have the guy arrested, even if you only have your word to give to the cops about the assault surely your neighbors remember the knocking and other disturbances.

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