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Marc2b -> Police Blotter and Insurance Form Stories (4/18/2007 10:39:31 AM)
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A few funny Police Blotter stories...
Police received three phone calls reporting a young woman, believed to be late teens or early twenties, running naked through the neighborhood. Several cars dispatched. An extensive three hour search found no sign of the woman.
A man walked into the Home Depot and grabbed a nail gun from an employee who was giving a demonstration of it’s use to some customers. The man shoved the nail gun down the front of his pants and ran out the door. Suspect later apprehended at the hospital where he was undergoing a procedure to have a nail removed from his left testicle.
An elderly man called police several times to complain that hookers were playing horseshoes in his front yard and had refused to stop despite his repeated demands. Upon investigation it turned out that the yard in question was actually across the street from the elderly man and that the hookers in question were in fact a family of five with the last name of Hooker.
A woman called police to report a potential terrorist in her neighborhood. She described the suspect as "a hairy looking foreigner in strange clothing." Suspect turned out to be a man in a "Cat in the Hat" costume on his way to entertain children at a birthday party.
Police called to the Home Depot to arrest a man for trespassing and menacing. The man apparently became upset and started making threats when the Home Depot refused to pay his hospital bills for having a nail removed from his left testicle.
Police received several calls about a man screaming and waving incoherently in his front yard and several callers thought he might be having an epileptic fit. Police responded and found a middle-aged white man rapping along with hip-hop music on his ipod.
A man was arrested for smashing up a city judge’s car with a sledge hammer. The man was apparently angry at the judge for dismissing his "wrongful injury" law suit against Home Depot as frivolous.
A bank manager called police and told them in barely suppressed laughter, that the three stooges had just attempted to rob the bank. Upon arriving at the scene police found three men, two unconscious and one on his back screaming in pain that he was never going to listen to his dumb-ass cousin’s ideas again. According to the bank manager this is what happened: the three men, wearing ski masks, ran into the bank brandishing what even a child could see were squirt guns (they were of the large, brightly colored, "super soaker" variety but had been "painted" black with shoe polish). One of them yelled, "freeze mother stickers, this is a fuck up," and then, apparently a little over eager, "fired" his gun, soaking a elderly woman. There were a few seconds of stunned silence and then everyone in the bank, employees and customers alike, began laughing at them. Confused and embarrassed, the men turned to flee but one slipped on the now wet floor. He hit his head against a counter and knocked himself out. The second man ran over to help him and also slipped on the wet floor, putting his back out. The third ran for the doors but an automatic lock had already engaged. He hit the door full force and was also knocked out.
Police and an ambulance were dispatched when a women reported hearing a gunshot from the house next door followed by her neighbor loudly cursing and screaming, "No! Oh God no!" Upon arrival the police learned that the man had accidently shot himself twice with a single bullet. Apparently the man was half awake when he became aware of movement in the middle of the bed. Groggy, the man was not aware that he was having a nocturnal erection. Instead, he leapt to the conclusion that a snake had slithered into his bed. The man grabbed his pistol from his night stand and shot at the supposed snake. The bullet blew off the head of his penis and then went through his left foot.
And some funny insurance report statements...
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly approached in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
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