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TigerNINTails -> RE: "Teach me to be a....." (4/21/2007 8:28:01 PM)
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This is kinda funny...
I think I was born with some of this, really, but I don't think I'd have started exploring it, if it wasn't something external that kinda "flipped the switch" so to speak, and cause that bulb to flash to life in my head.
The reason that I say this is kinda funny is because I've often wondered just how weird it is that I've felt the urges and inclinations I've had for both the dominant and submissive "roles" (which, as a stand alone complex, within ones own head, they aren't really roles until they mesh with people external of the self) my whole life since that switch was flipped. But aside from wondering that, the funny part is that I've often wondered where other people got their information. Not really why they asked for it.
But when I first realized that bondage, sexual tortures, subjugation, domination, sex slavery and the like turned me on, I was really really young. It was my private little world, because I didn't even understand at the time what I was really thinking about.
When I first experienced my first kiss... During a sleep over... And show and tell... I was 6 I believe... The girls were slightly older, twins, not sure of the age, but I'm thinking 9 or 10 (I know, I can hear ya all "Pshaw! Yeah, right fucker!)...
That's not the punch line... No, there isn't one, really I'm not joking here. So from then, I just started exploring, but back then, I didn't have anyone that I could turn to. Plain and simple, neighborhood kids and I would get together, in little tree forts, and whatever else, play our little games, and I had the opportunities to work with tape, rope etc., till I was about 11 or 12, when I finally started really trying to build on relationships with girls... I did some pretty crazy things with my first "girl-friends" back then too, but back then, through some sort of fate, I had gotten a hold of my first Gor books.
It's not something that taught me anything except what NOT to look for in literary greatness, but it did provide something else. It wasn't until I read these books, that I really had another light bulb occur, and that bulb was that I could structure everything that I had learned, that I could stream line my desires for not only myself as a "Man" or as a "Master" or whatever other title fit, whenever, but that I could, should I communicate this effectively, structure my relationship with whatever girl I was with, to fit this paradigm of M/s...
I think once I read through that book, cover to cover about four times, spent countless nights, sleeping on it, thinking about it, drawing things pertaining to MY thoughts about it... Designing tools, implements etc. I met someone in high school, that came from a rather traditional, though Christian Chinese family.
I was talking to him, when suddenly I hit on this subject, somehow. I think he was telling me of his girlfriend and something he had done with her. And another realization hit me. I told him about what I had been doing and he asked me "So, you're into BDSM too?"
I said.. "Huh?" I didn't know what it was called. Even in the Gor book it didn't have any sort of name of that sort. All the names of things, such as karta, and kajira... sweetwine and paga... Okay, there wasn't anything for me to really identify with reality in these books, except the principles. The release of the slaves self through the recognition that she didn't have self by never referring to the self etc. Living only to please her owner and so forth.
The OP doesn't have anything to do with Gor, or what I'm talking about, but I think there are some points covered here. I think it comes down to the fact that we're all born with different archetypes, and we all exhibit different combinations of these when we're faced with certain situations.
When I found out, from my friend there was a whole new world of people that were like me, I was still faced with a dillemma... I don't just run around espousing the greatness of BDSM when I'm 14 years old, trying to find someone with some knowledge. It left me with no choice but to grow relatively normally, but to find as many willing partners to work with as I could in the time between the age of 12 and 18... At least, that was my goal... But it was Kevin (my Chinese friend) that gave me a lot of insight ( I have no idea when or how he stumbled onto this information, though I remember him speaking of his "lifestyle uncle" in Hong Kong) into BDSM, M/s and the archetypes of Dominant and submissive.
Through out it all, I've always had one sense of it, ever. Being a switch, and somewhat of an empath, it might have given me some extra tools to work with, as I could literally relate with the girls that I would experiment with. I could identify with their needs, desires, as a "scene" or an "adventure" progressed. I didn't call them "scenes" or the community "the scene" until a few years back, as I wasn't really involved in it, except online. I was doing my thing in the privacy of my home or with friends that I knew were in the scene, but I didn't participate with them that regularly.
Through all of it, I had the simplest sense of find an interesting girl, open dialog, get her comfortable, ask her questions, answer her questions, lead the conversation, perhaps engage in the "tickle attack", start wrestling and then pin them, note their reaction... Go for something more intimate, a kiss, or a neck nibble... Perhaps a bite... Again, note reactions...
Never, if there was something negative in her reaction, did I proceed, but always, if there was, there was questions, answers and so forth. I think the biggest thing, when someone is asking for guidance, is ultimately, they are seeking a road map.
This can be a book, a guide, a person, a mentor... Someone or something which contains the knowledge they've yet to take into themselves. When they're asking, sure it's to be accepted. It's a desire to learn, an inate curiosity. Sometimes, they forget to slow down and examine things and break them down. They want to learn it all now.
Of all the things I've learned in my life, BDSM is the only thing I didn't rush. The one inate thing that I know I had, is the understanding that I'd always be this way. After all, I always was this way. Now, as for other people, they are going to be different.
What works for one person, doesn't work for everyone else. And honestly, they're opening themselves up for a serious mess, if they find certain people here, or anywhere else just gleefully willing to teach. Sometimes, learning on your own... Learning your partner(s), learning yourself, taking it one step at a time, slowly, savouring every last moment of it is really the best way to go.
Think, most of all. They don't want to think, but this is a thinking kink... Say that ten times fast... lol...
There is no "kinksters almanac" (If someone shows me one, I'll stand corrected[;)]) "The way to BDSM" or "Ultimate M/s Handbook". Sound like good book projects to me, but that's not my point.
I think really, is they just want to connect, and it really doesn't matter how... When you want to learn, you want to connect to teachers. To connect with teachers, they ask for them. Ask and you shall receive. Universal principle here.
But really, what they're really asking for is answers to a whole slew of questions that they'd flood the boards with if they can't find someone to simply talk to, in a semi one-one fashion.
I agree, that one to one, might not be the best idea, in some cases, but it doesn't hurt, when someone's first starting out. Mentors are good for a couple reasons. They disseminate the knowledge in easy to digest chunks. Usually. And they also are there to speak to face to face.. usually... At least you can get them "privately" to discuss things and master-mind their dominant or submissive traits.
I went my whole life up to four years ago, without reading a single book on BDSM specifically. I just never seemed to have time, or inclination to search. Everything I've learned is self taught. But that has also taken me twenty three years to accumulate that knowledge of myself, and my partners, and come to some point of understanding of certain catch alls, and that nothing else is certain.
Each instance is different, but what people are looking for is a cut and dry method to the madness... Unfortunately... There just isn't one. Of course, that could be fortunate also.
At any rate, I don't know if I didn't just screw this thread up, or if I've offered anything of value to the OP, so I suppose I should get off here.
Peace folks.
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