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Seeking Advice - 4/21/2007 6:12:20 PM

Kitte9

Posts: 411
Joined: 11/26/2006
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I am new to the scene, and though I have listed myself as a switch in my profile, I am leaning toward exploring my sub side. I am looking for advice on how to properly approach Dommes or to let them know I am interested without being disrespectful. Also, I have read that munches are a safe place to meet people, yet there seem to be so few where I live. Are there any other ways or places to meet like minded individuals?

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/21/2007 6:20:16 PM

timorous

Posts: 60
Joined: 4/7/2005
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May I first ask why you listed yourself as a switch?
You don't seem experienced at all and so I was wondering how you know you're a switch.

About approaching.... you can always wait for them to approach you. They will.

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/21/2007 6:35:59 PM

Kitte9

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I listed myself as such because in all but my last relationships, I have been a top, but recently I met someone I was comfortable enough with to let go of the control and not fear getting hurt. We discussed this a bit and she said that I was a sub at heart. I think I had been hurt too many times or not been able to trust anyone else enough to let it surface.

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/21/2007 6:39:32 PM

goodpet

Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
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Hi, welcome to the site and to the lifestyle.

As to where to meet folks.. the munches are good but some places are a bit limited in them. Most places have them but you might have to drive a bit there in NH. Dover has them, and the sea coast of NH might be some north of the Boston.
Look for White Mountain Different Strokes, Dark Stone, NELA, just do a search on them.

You mentioned events and they are very good places to learn from also. several NH folks attend Boston's Fetish Flea market, TES, BR and other event all the way down here. There are folks who will car pool and share hotel or folks who will host for events.

Another way to learn online is to read these forums and find someone who you like what they have to say and contact them asking questions.

Attend one of the different training academys or houses that do educational training. Join MAsT. go to the MAsT conference in July.

mostly get out and met folks, don't worry about finding Ms. Right, but get educated and trained in what you are interested in. Find opportunites to observe and then try out the different roles and don't worry what others think you are or should be. try them all on and see what fits.

Good luck and enjoy the ride.

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/21/2007 8:04:17 PM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: timorous

May I first ask why you listed yourself as a switch?
You don't seem experienced at all and so I was wondering how you know you're a switch.

About approaching.... you can always wait for them to approach you. They will.

Ok.. how about thinking your advice through for a moment....

mmmmm should a person say... submissive

mmmmm answer "You don't seem experienced at all and so I was wondering how you know your're a submissive"

or how about Dominant

mmmmmm answer "You don't seem experienced at all and so i was wonderein how you know your're a Dominant"

so do you get the point.. well maybe not ... since I wasn't all that clear.

Point is.. besides the fact that your question ... be it valid... would still be asked no matter what the person puts.

It would seem that a flaw in the Online Environment boards is that their is no list option to choose "Newbie" or "Uncertain"

you are only left with choices of Dominant, submissive or switch in most cases. But, sometimes those are really not appropriate for many individuals.. particularly if they are new and just trying to figure all this stuff out. This labeling is all to inadequate in many cases. I think we much better off if we avoid address labels and focus on some deeper issues.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/21/2007 8:15:54 PM

Kitte9

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thank you for your post. I did attend Boston's Flea this year and had a wonderful time. So much to see, so little money!

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/21/2007 10:21:45 PM

Satyr6406

Posts: 820
Joined: 3/27/2006
From: New Brunswick, N.J.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
It would seem that a flaw in the Online Environment boards is that their is no list option to choose "Newbie" or "Uncertain"

you are only left with choices of Dominant, submissive or switch in most cases. But, sometimes those are really not appropriate for many individuals.. particularly if they are new and just trying to figure all this stuff out. This labeling is all to inadequate in many cases. I think we much better off if we avoid address labels and focus on some deeper issues.

Amen! It's almost (I said "almost") like forcing people into "dishonesty". If they're just getting their head wrapped around the idea, to begin with.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/21/2007 10:34:09 PM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kitte9

I am new to the scene, and though I have listed myself as a switch in my profile, I am leaning toward exploring my sub side. I am looking for advice on how to properly approach Dommes or to let them know I am interested without being disrespectful. Also, I have read that munches are a safe place to meet people, yet there seem to be so few where I live. Are there any other ways or places to meet like minded individuals?

Just show them the same respect as you would any other human being, you'll be just fine.

Try to BDSM friends in your area, find and locate people with similar interests. The right kind of clubs, even AD&D gamers some of these people are BDSMers, also Some people that follow certain types of Bands at the clubs, Also look into meeting people online. Make friends as well as searching for the right one. Make sub,swicth, Dom or Domme friends.. sooner or later somebody might be trying to set you up with somebody.

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/22/2007 1:28:00 AM

mystiquenz

Posts: 330
Joined: 8/13/2004
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I would suggest that you take yourself off to the local munches and play parties, and get to meet people in your local area. You may like to explore rooms that are location orientated rather than the subs seeking rooms, where you will hook up with others in your location, who you can get to know on line.

People are very happy to be supportive and helpful to a new person. They are willing to share their knowledge, answer the questions and give you a guiding hand. I have met some wonderful people locally, whose friends I have come to really treasure.

It takes time to get to know people, and they to know you. One of the local groups i attend, is like a small family, the other one, is much bigger, but it takes time. So, I wish you well, as you venture forth on your journey. I agree with the others who have spoken about labels, why put yourself in a box, that doesn't fit. The right Dominant, will mould you, the way He or She wants you. I have found, that this lifestyle is very reflective, and inwardly searching, and providing your growing from your discoveries, then, that is a positive step.

Good luck on your journey, take baby steps, the steps that you are comfortable with. It is in your time, at your pace, don't be bullied into anything more than what you can accept and are willing to accept.

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~mystique~

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/22/2007 4:51:20 AM

Elorin

Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kitte9

I am looking for advice on how to properly approach Dommes or to let them know I am interested without being disrespectful.

Online or offline?
Online: read their profile at the very least. If they say no smokers and you smoke, don't try to convince them to take you as a sub. Same with any other trait.
Be specific about what interested you. "I was interested after reading your profile because I see that you have experience with CBT, and I'd like to experience that." "I was interested after seeing the profile photo of you with the paddle, it was attractive." Just be specific.
Don't call them babe, honey, darlin' (I'm guilty of this but not when trying to meet a Domme. :) )
Ask specific questions. "Are you still looking for a submissive, and would someone who lives _X_ miles away work for your purposes?" Don't ask "Are you still looking for a sub?" leaving them with a yes or no answer that doesn't further the conversation.
Don't use form letters.
While you might include your BDSM interests in an introductory e-mail, I would suggest holding off until she has shown mutual interest. Until then, simply saying "you said you were interested in X, Y, and Z and I share those interests/want to learn more about those things" is enough. Long lists of "I want to do yada yada yada yada" are a big turn on.

Introductory e-mails should be no longer than this post

...and longer than two sentences.

~E

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/22/2007 11:24:51 AM

mp072004

Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
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Welcome! You might enjoy the d/s New Hampshire munch, or the monthly Masquerade (a fetish wear social, no play) also held in NH. If you're willing to consider groups in Massachusetts, please shoot me an email and I'll give you a long list of events--there is even a local group for women who do BDSM with women.

Online:
Once you have read a woman's profile and concluded from it that a) you find her attractive and b) you have reason to believe that she might find you attractive, you should write a brief email. In it, you should clearly declare what you want from the conversation, (e.g. "I would like to discuss my submitting to you."), and why you think you and she might be compatible. It would be good to briefly and precisely describe the kind of interaction you want.

Offline:
At munches and other non-play social events, once you have introduced yourself to a new acquaintance, you'll evaluate her, and as you talk you'll determine whether you find her attractive. If you do, you should flirt a bit and see whether she responds. If she seems friendly--not just polite, mind you, but seeming as though she likes *you* specifically--you can be a little more direct in your flirtation, and offer to exchange contact information. Email addresses are standard form of contact, and phone numbers are occasionally exchanged but hardly required. Many people seem to do IM ID exchanges, but nobody becomes cross with me when I say that instant messaging is a bad way to get in touch with me. Then, you can propose lunch or coffee. You'll likely have more success after you attend a few munches, but if you sense that someone attractive likes you and would like to get to know you better, there is no reason not to move ahead.

At play parties, you might be more direct. You'll introduce, flirt, and then if you sense mutual fondness, you can move toward asking questions to ascertain compatibility. This may result in polite rejection--either "not right now" or "not you" rejection--so you should be prepared for that.

As you can see, the above are pretty normal patterns of polite flirtation. Enjoy, and please feel free to get in touch if you'd like event info or other advice.

Monica

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RE: Seeking Advice - 4/22/2007 7:48:16 PM

Kitte9

Posts: 411
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Thank you all for you replies. I have heard of the Masquerade and am speaking to some people about it. It sounds like a good place to start. And yes, Monica, I would be interested in event information in Massachussettes.

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