More Confident Spanking? (Full Version)

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PeacefulTop -> More Confident Spanking? (5/26/2004 4:41:22 PM)

OK folks...I have a caring Switch partner who really DOES want to learn to be an effective Spanker for me...

but every time she tries to spank or take Authority over my Inner Kid (this, with variations, is our nain trip, and we take turns at it) the trouble is that she keeps flashing back on her own horridly abusive father teaching her nonconsentually to "submit" and "mouse" to EVERY MALE WALKING...

The same thing happens when she tries to spank me...I can read her tolerances quite well, but she will often confuse my "bratting" with genuine anger and get slammed back into a false, downtalking "subspace" by the subconsious tapes from Daddy Dearest.

And, predictably, just when I feel that I'm properly "warmed up" to recieve a safe discipline spanking, her Inner Child becomes worried enough that she "simply must' stop for fear of "really hurting" me.

Both of us are already working hard in therapy, so (even with Vanilla therapists, since both know their jobs well...) I will assume that our communication is good enough as a partnership to work our way past these issues...the trust for our "24/7" is already established and unbroken.

My question to the board is: what can I do to help my partner in becoming the more confident Disciplinarian she wants to be?

Anybody have any good tips for being "mean" in a safe, sane, TLC way to this Subbie Schoolboy?

PS: please assume that I am Service Oriented, and we, by mutual consent, DO NOT play sexually. (Just to be a frustrating BRAT, Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! :-) )

Thank you for your attention.

Warmest Respects,
Oliver (PeacefulTop)



ShadeDiva -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/26/2004 6:02:46 PM)

Positive reinforcement I think would help the most.

If she isn't given a negative reaction ... eventually along with therapy I think it would eventually re-record over her *bad tapes* she plays in her head.

Time, patience, and understanding will be your best tools, it could take years - but in the end it would be a glorious investment well spent, I think.

~ShadeDiva



GoddessMarissa -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/26/2004 6:37:23 PM)

Maybe try various role play, but try not to antagonize her in your role play. That may trigger alot of things. When someone grows up learning that things are only one way, it can take the same amount of time to unlearn these things...depending on the person.



MistressDREAD -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/26/2004 6:49:22 PM)

I would for this situation suggest a trick I use
for Female Dominants I assist with simalar issues
have her daily play drill sergent in the mirrow
at her self then once she has finished ordering
her self of a spacific command have her turn it
on you to follow thru with each item that she
orders you from day one on thru till she has the
innner confidance to take totall control with out
waining make the commands be harder each day and a
physical action and let her know that she must also
follow behind and thru to see that the action is completed
totally and satisfactory.
a sample of a daily order
I need My boots spitblack peon now get on the ball and have it done by such and such a time....once the item has gotten longated and extream it willll have been long suffering and streanthening in purpose and this is where it is shifted to the spankings and done in the same manner...... personallized tools and toys are a hot item as well to spike the kinkie juices flowin to extreams
JMO



topcat -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/26/2004 6:54:10 PM)

M. Oliver-

I'd sugest some non-roleplay scenes, just so you two can really define the phyiscal limits involved.

Stay warm,
Lawrence



PeacefulTop -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/26/2004 7:25:24 PM)

M. TopCat, Now it is YOUR turn to expand on the "evocative" comment..."non-roleplay scenes?" A definition would be nice here...I've never run such a thing from either position. What would be the objective of such a scene?

I already know that my base spankee tolerance is an order of magnitude higher than hers...right now we are trying to find toys that can get a spanking done without depending much on her raw hand power...she has baby fingers and most of two decades on me.

OTOH, she is also scared of using my favorite hairbrush, as that tended to be Papa Drunk's Weapon of Choice...<sigh>

But I welcome your comments, TC and ALL...keep them coming, as I am learning A LOT here in a very short time!

Warmest Respects,
PeacefulTop



rain -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/26/2004 8:54:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeacefulTop
Both of us are already working hard in therapy, so (even with Vanilla therapists, since both know their jobs well...)
Oliver (PeacefulTop)


Not sure if you've looked into this, but their are listings of "kink" friendly professionals.

i'm quite sure i've seen a directory somewhere, i'll see if i can find it...

Sounds like there are some good suggestions though...patience is the key ingredient.

~rain~



Estring -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/26/2004 11:48:54 PM)

All of the suggestions posted are good ones. It's possible that something could work. I noticed you alluded to her age. I assume she isn't a young woman. If she is still having problems with these "flashbacks", I doubt that she will get over them now. You may just have to work around this and accept what she can give you.



EStrict -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/27/2004 12:05:35 AM)

Just a thought from the other side. I personally hate spankings. I don't like giving them, I don't like receiving them. I don't have bad memories of them, they are just not *my* thing. When Master uses them they are for HIS pleasure or discipline, and it doesn't matter that I don't like them (it is actually preferable I don't).



topcat -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/27/2004 6:14:23 PM)

M. Oliver-

quote:

Now it is YOUR turn to expand on the "evocative" comment..."non-roleplay scenes?" A definition would be nice here...I've never run such a thing from either position. What would be the objective of such a scene?


I mean simply a scene where no-one takes a role other than 'spanker' or 'spankee'. Just for practice/familiarisation purposes. It'll allow the bottom to say 'more like that' or ' this is creeping me out- lets try with me standing' (or whatever).

Stay warm,
Lawrence



MizSuz -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/28/2004 4:17:29 AM)

And, I might add, Lawrence is VERY good at this sort of spanking! (first "hand" experience speaking).



Sinergy -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (5/28/2004 7:29:34 AM)

quote:

now we are trying to find toys that can get a spanking done without depending much on her raw hand power


I personally have always enjoyed giving spankings. There is something about the spank, fondle, spank, grope, spank spank, etc., process which I love. I also found that wearing a pair of baseball batting gloves does wonders for giving one's hand the staying power for a long session. The leather is supple with a bit of a grip to it.

I suggested this on another message board way back when, and a person responded that their personal favorite were the gloves sold for filleting fish since these are rougher and sturdier. The person's comment was they liked the spankee's behind to wear out before his hand did.

Enjoy!

Sinergy



MistressKiss -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (6/6/2004 5:44:17 AM)

I really think that the answer to your situation has nothing to do with BDSM or what you are doing in that realm. I think that the answer is getting her through the issues that created this problem in the first place. You mention her being in therapy, and that is where this problem will be solved...if it is solved. Once she comes to terms with these events in her life, and works through them, she may be able to overcome the issues she has with the spankings. I don't think that the solution will come from anywhere other than a peaceful heart that has dealt with this difficult situation....imho



Jasmyn -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (6/7/2004 9:55:16 PM)

Dear Oliver

Personally I would set up the scene as role play only, giving her the ability to remove herself from the scene, letting the role she plays be the entity the scene is based around and not herself. Also reassure her that you can be trusted to let her know if you are not comfortable with the level of play happening at anytime. Lastly, I would let your partner find reasons for her to be spanking you in the first place rather than just having the spanking as something to do.

Jasmyn



Sinergy -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (6/7/2004 11:24:22 PM)

quote:

I really think that the answer to your situation has nothing to do with BDSM or what you are doing in that realm. I think that the answer is getting her through the issues that created this problem in the first place. You mention her being in therapy, and that is where this problem will be solved...


While I made comments about spanking gloves, I agree with this 100%. I would suggest asking around and finding a BDSM knowledgeable therapist (they are out there) and go to one to discuss the issues involved.

Sinergy



Sundew02 -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (6/10/2004 10:29:02 AM)

Another help for her might be you coming forth with the sounds of pure enjoyment while she is administering the spanking. You might also just think the bratty phrases to warm you up, so she doesnt feel that this is discipline, but total enjoyment. I had a submissive male who was simularly abused by his mother. With a lot of laughter, teasing, and small journeys down d/s play roads, he now enjoys a wide range of play. When I have males here, and we are having a semi vanilla evening the laughter is loud and long, but they still get attention from my hand or paddle, each time with a quip "thank you Ma'am, may I have another?" Sundew



ChrisGreen -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (10/12/2004 4:14:16 PM)

This is something i have experience of, a past relationship of 20 odd years ago, we solved it by going to an experienced domme, and letting my girlfriend see how much of a beating my bottom could take before it got serious.

It took 3 or 4 sessions and then she was fine.

I think that a lot of people are not aware of how tough the human body really is, for instance is takes 110 pounds of force to tear human skin, so make certain you have plenty of skin hooks in before doing immitations of Batman.




LadySonelle -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (10/12/2004 8:27:11 PM)

Your situation sounds familiar. I cannot say if this will work for you, but you might try a technique I call "fantasexuality" or IOW playacting.

Not, however, the one scend onley storyline with schoolboy and teacher. Instead, create an ongoing storyline. Make your characters recurring ones, with backstory and layered details. Invest time, costuming and imagination and emotion in these chracters.

Why?

Because they will become your safe tools. You have emotion and effort invested in them which makes what they go through very real, like a kind of alternate life, but they are not *you*, first-person, except in a lateral sort of way. Then, before you do scenes, talk out things IN character. Make a storyline which embraces and deals with the things causing you both pain. IN character, playact them out with alternate encings or the same endings but with different reactions. My submissive and I did scenes for years while she was far too traumatised and ill to do *any* S/M scenes at all.

What happens in the storyline will give you insights in to how to work things out of character and out of storyline. Choose a universe that interests you, say science fiction, or ancient worlds, or childhood in a different milieu. Bring the insights back into your daily life.

When you do scenes in character, you may find that spankings are easier because you are more removed from ther source of the pain... and that enables you to deal with it later on and lessen it so that the next time is easier still.

Hope this helps.

Lady Sonelle



PainDiva -> RE: More Confident Spanking? (10/13/2004 4:13:15 AM)

PeacefulTop,

This is a great post, and one that I am sure a lot more people are reading and relating to than are posting a response.

This problem is actually very common. Here is something that you and your partner might try. Its a writing exercise. First a little background. In our lives things happen to us or are said to us - or events simply take place and we make them about us. As human beings we are really good at giving everything meaning. That is not always a good thing, but it isn't a bad thing either. Because - when you stop to think about it there is great freedom in knowing that piece of information.

Because if we are the people who assign the events in our life meaning - we are free to change our mind about the meaning we give things.

When something happens to us when we are young, we assign it a meaning to put it in context in our lives. (yes we do this as adults also) However, it is possible to go back in time to those events and assign them new meanings. This can be done by sitting down with a piece of paper and writing out a few things:

1. Write out what happened (and recognize that this is our story about what happened). Everyone sees things differently, this is why why when there is an accident and 12 people witness it - everyone has a different experience of the accident and a different story about it.

2. Now just write down the facts about what happened. Remove all emotion and extra information. For example: "My father would spank me when he was angry."

3. Next, Write down the meaning that you gave the facts. Example: I must be bad because I get spanked so often. Spanking happens when I make my dad angry. When Men get angry they hit you. I have to be good so I don't make Dad Angry. I have to be good so I don't make the men in my life angry.

4. And finally, Look at the situation and write out what is true now - from the perspective of an adult today. Example: The only men that hit people are those that are out of control, or those who are doing it as a favor to their partner - out of love.
"I must be good to be spanked so often ;) " "My father spanked me because he didn't know any other way to parent" "Angry and out of control men need to take anger management classes, there anger has nothing to do with me."


So, whatever the situation is - The response that your partner is coming from is the decision she made about how the world worked when she was a little girl - She is grown up now and is free to make a new choice about the meaning she assigns things.


I came from a background that most people would consider very abusive. I can say this... I know my father loved me and did not wake up one day and decide to have kids so he could abuse them. My parents did the best they could with the education and experience they had in life. I would have liked a different childhood, but I got the one I got. I have yet to meet parents that come together to have babies to see how badly they can screw them up.


I hope that this makes sense to you. And thank you for posting about "real life."

Best to you both,
Ms. Blake






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