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Approaching a domme at events - 4/22/2007 4:52:05 AM

irishjoe

Posts: 19
Joined: 1/29/2005
Status: offline

Hi,

I just have a quick question.

How do you like to be approached at a BDSM event by a potential sub?

I get slightly nervous and mesmorised by a dommes presence and appearance thus unable to converse appropriately. What i am mean is if a sub is always quiet and attentive around dommes how will they get to talk and get to know them thus leading on to other eventualities.

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RE: Approaching a domme at events - 4/22/2007 4:59:56 AM

Elorin

Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

I like intelligence and conversation. Lots of questions that have yes no answers get frustrating.
If someone is approaching me at an event, I like directness. "Hello ma'am, are you a Domme?" or "Hello ma'am, I asked a friend who said you are a domme." followed by "I am interested in getting to know you/playing with you/what have you."

I'm pretty receptive to "Would you be interested in playing?" which often leads to negotiation discussions. Noticing my clothes might get you a story about where I bought them, but unless you also have a fetish or are knowledgeable "I really like your shoes...I'm a fan of the peep toe style." that will dead end shortly.

I like compliments but over the top compliments make me uncomfortable. You look lovely is great, but no need to repeat it ad nauseum.

~E

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RE: Approaching a domme at events - 4/22/2007 5:14:02 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

I think you have to "get over" having a rough time talking to a Domme at a party/munch.   Introduce yourself, initiate a conversation, and if you're interested, ask her out for coffee.

A couple years ago, there was this sub who I had met at a munch - when I say "met", it means we exchanged polite hellos and didn't talk. He started emailing me regularly, and I subsequently met him at 2 other munches after that. However, every time I saw him at a munch, he wouldn't talk to me (or anyone but the other guys for that matter).   I made several efforts to engage him in conversation, and he just wouldn't respond other than monosyllabic mumbled responses. Meanwhile, he'd still email me all the time, hoping to connect.

The result was that I really didn't have much choice but to turn him down, because I just couldn't see meeting him for coffee or lunch and have to sit through that being the only one talking (been there - done that - no thank you!)   He admitted as much via email that he just couldn't hold conversations with women well, particularly Dommes.

The point is - while holding up your end of a conversation may be uncomfortable for you - think how awkward and uncomfortable you make HER when you don't.

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RE: Approaching a domme at events - 4/22/2007 6:59:26 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Depends on what is happening at the event.

If you both were at a workshop and she said something during it that you found interesting, comment on that. If you end up at other workshops, maybe point that out -- do not however go to a workshop merely to follow someone, go because the topic interests you because your lack interest will shine out after a few sentences in your conversation.

If you are at a play party see if she is with someone else. Do NOT approach when she is scening with someone else. Wait and ask if you might fetch her and her sub some water or something, say you enjoyed watching them.

If she's been done scening for a while or seems to be alone, again, just approach and ask if any of the equipment catches her eye. I think decent dom at this point will either starting conversing back or ask if you want to play.

Now if the person in question is "known in the community" you may want to find out what they are known for. How can you tell? You'll notice others approach her, maybe nod or offer a hand to shake, she might approach presenters more easily and they interact with her more readily. If someone is "known" the best approach is to get to know her work too and then comment on it.

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RE: Approaching a domme at events - 4/22/2007 3:50:07 PM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: irishjoe
How do you like to be approached at a BDSM event by a potential sub?

The type of approach that I like is when the sub has some type of ice-breaker that can lead into a conversation. This is a low-key approach that is not too intimidating for the sub and gives me the option of pursuing an in-depth discussion if I'm interested, or answering briefly and moving on if I'm not. For example, some have read my name tag, menioned that they read my profile online, and commented on some aspect of my profile. Other times, at munch/discussion group events, subs have come up later to ask questions about something I said. Sometimes they will compliment me on a piece of jewelry, apparel, or a toy I own and ask about it. Sometimes they mention that they are new to the lifestyle and if I have a few moments to spare for a some questions or advice.

The approaches I don't like are:

The non-approach. I have had subs write to me on this and other sites. When I sent them a photo, they confessed that they knew exactly who I was and had seen me at events, but were too intimidated to approach me. This makes me wonder about their level of self-confidence.
The "won't take no for an answer" approach. There was a sub who was banned from some local organizations for this reason. He would ask to play, and if the Domme declined, and he either would continue to bug her, or else wait a little while, and come back and ask again. He even approached submissive women and asked them to play with him. Needless to say, this approach did not go over well.
The territorial approach. A sub finds a Domme to converse with, then kind of "corners" her so it's not easy for her to get away if she isn't interested. I observed one woman whose facial expression and body language clearly indicated that she was not interested. She excused herself to go smoke, and lo and behold, the sub followed her out to the smoking deck.
The braggart or overly brazen approach. Some have come up and tried to impress me by telling me right off the bat what an important position they hold, what a great sub they would make, how financially generous they are, etc.

Lady Topaz

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RE: Approaching a domme at events - 4/22/2007 5:38:45 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
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quote:

ORIGINAL: irishjoe

Hi,

I just have a quick question.

How do you like to be approached at a BDSM event by a potential sub?

I get slightly nervous and mesmorised by a dommes presence and appearance thus unable to converse appropriately. What i am mean is if a sub is always quiet and attentive around dommes how will they get to talk and get to know them thus leading on to other eventualities.

I prefer the submissive act with common courtesy and manners. I would advise keeping any subbie behaviour on the back burner unless a domme asks for you to do something for her. To me,there is nothing more irritating than having a boy constantly ask me if he can do anything for me. If I need him to do something, I'll tell him.

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RE: Approaching a domme at events - 4/23/2007 10:39:09 AM

irishjoe

Posts: 19
Joined: 1/29/2005
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Thank You all for Your replies....I really appreciate it, they are all very informative.

joe

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RE: Approaching a domme at events - 4/23/2007 12:07:13 PM

selfbnd411

Posts: 598
Joined: 7/23/2005
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Interesting--the advice given here would apply to any vanilla situation in which a male was "hitting on" a female. Does this say that gendered concepts of what a male should be--the chaser, not the chasee--are deeply ingrained?

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RE: Approaching a domme at events - 4/23/2007 12:13:39 PM

AlphaMistress

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/3/2007
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Initaitive always wins. The sulker in the background who moves forward only to pester gets nowhere.

The ones who help the venue staff with drink serving or glass clearing out themselves in a good position to make a casual approach to a Domme, and casual is good. It leaves room for a gracious backing away. Think it through from her perspective. make it easy for her to say no. This takes pressure off you too and saves intense siruations arising. But don't go as far as hesitant.

But the bad news is its never easy :( Spend time to work out which Dommes do play with a number of subs. Put yourself in their line of sight. Wait for a good moment, for instance, after a play session with someone else, AFTER she has settled them down, then approach, ask if she can offer a short play session because you have watched and like her style, etc. Or offer to get drinks for her and her sub, without nattering. After a couple of times, if play isn't offered, you're on a loser, move on. Don't pay for the drinks if you are sent for them, that's not fair, be firm that you were providing fetching and carrying only. But by all means pay for her drink after she has played with you.

Mistress Alpha.

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