Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off?

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bowandserve -> Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 7:41:58 AM)
As a female domme I get tons of requests. I think I weed them out then agree to meet with a sub - at a normal dinner "date". They typically then express their surprise at me (ok so I'll say it - I'm quite attractive and "normal") and beg for the chance to submit. I tell them upfront how demanding I am since I am looking for long term, not just a play partner as those are a dime a dozen. After the first play time they reflect how amazing it was,etc, etc. Maybe meet up a few more times. They are expected to keep communication open - I am very sensitive to a subs needs and try to guide them through their emotions. I let them know that as long as they tell me what's going on it's not a big deal. They are compliant and again express how they are so surprised "someone like me" is out there. We make plans... Then, it's happened more than a few times that they literally drop off. Don't respond to emails and don't give a reason. A few later on come back and say - oh it was more than I thought it would be or I was afraid I couldn't live up to you. Another interesting comment is I made it real. As in, everyone complains that there are fakes and then here they are talking the talk but then not walking the walk. I do feel like I try to reassure them but walk the line of I'm the dominant one don't put up with a lot of drama - they wouldn't see me as the dominant one if I let them get away with bs excuses (I had to go help a friend who's car broke down and there's no phone, my computer was getting fixed, etc...). I am firm about that while letting them know I'm also human and intuitive to their needs. This I think in turn freaks them out more that I can read them. So - are they feeding me bs or are those legitimate fears/concerns? What can I do to prevent this from happening?

svipdagson -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 7:55:49 AM)
i can't speak for others, but i have personally never just disappeared. i find that to be very rude and disrespectful. unfortunately, many of the players in this lifestyle know the words to say, but have not had any real experience. it is just fantasy to them. they are unable to deal with real domination. i think that the loss of control is just to much for them. that, or their wives are toclose to finding out. i know several good subs that are not able to meet Dommes online because there are so many fakes. i know that i have struggled with that problem. and i have lived as a 24/7 slave for over 4 years. i hope that your search improves. ericus

barnone -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 7:56:29 AM)
bowandserve, I don't have a great deal of experience to share on the matter, but from my impression, one of the possible scenarios is that they felt intimidated. Unless one is an experienced sub, it's very difficult to strip oneself naked (both literally and figuratively) before a domme, share all of one's feelings, emotions, fetishes, etc. - all of which are necessary for a successful relationship but which are contrary to our nature. Sure, vanilla relationships also require all of those things, but in a vanilla relationship you can hold back or reveal them more slowly. In a D/s relationship you really have to bare all for it to work. Even if that's not the case with you, bowandserve, and I'm way off... I'd be interested in hearing peoples' thoughts on this sort of intimidation.

iwashere -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 8:00:46 AM)
I think maybe nothing to do with Yourself, but even after long processes of weeding out all the players and trolls, some will still slip through the net, get the play session they want, and then just disapear and probably make a new profile to do the same again to another Domme. Unfortunately, that hurts the genuine male subs, and firstly the Domme as likely to be less trusting and as You say, have fears and concerns about what is going on. It seems that, it is just a game to too many, which, as a male sub does hurt. I cannot offer any advice in how to stop it happening as im sure you already have many systems in place to try and stop it happening. I just wish You luck that the next one surpasses Your expectations. sam

bowandserve -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 8:01:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: barnone bowandserve, I don't have a great deal of experience to share on the matter, but from my impression, one of the possible scenarios is that they felt intimidated. Unless one is an experienced sub, it's very difficult to strip oneself naked (both literally and figuratively) before a domme, share all of one's feelings, emotions, fetishes, etc. - all of which are necessary for a successful relationship but which are contrary to our nature. Sure, vanilla relationships also require all of those things, but in a vanilla relationship you can hold back or reveal them more slowly. In a D/s relationship you really have to bare all for it to work. Even if that's not the case with you, bowandserve, and I'm way off... I'd be interested in hearing peoples' thoughts on this sort of intimidation. Oh yes that's another word that pops up a lot - I'm intimidating. They say it's a good thing and that's how they know I'm truly dominant and makes them want to serve me more. Until they disappear... I do tend to attract newbies so I can see that. Even ones I thought were more experienced have done it too. And yes, their profiles are still up here or elsewhere - unchanged - even when they said they realized it was more than they thought or whatever. So I realize this - but can anyone give suggestions how to help one work through it while still maintaining the dynamic? Or am I better off that they show themselves early on... [edited to address the ever asked question - where's my profile. I took it down due to this reason of too many fakes. Also, I don't really want potential or current subs reading this side of me that I may post about - they already seem to have enough of a struggle!]

BitchGoddessD -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 8:11:12 AM)
I have had the same problem bow and serve. It is most frustrating to spend time and energy on a sub only to have them end up a disappointment. I think it's because they never were a true submissive in the first place. It is a game/fantasy that is lived out at the Domina's expense. This is My opinion based on My experiences. Once only have I had a sub who was overwhelmed and reacted in a very disrepectful manner. Given time, he realised he truly was a submissive and was soon back begging at My feet. After 6 months, I gave him a second chance. It was a wonderful D/s relationship until the day he was transfered for work. But this only happened once.

MistressScarlot -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 8:15:07 AM)
Personally...I think you're better off that they show themselves early on. If there is a sub with genuine interest in being /your/ sub, he won't drop off. It's as simple as that. It's not your role to coddle them through their submission. Submission is a choice, and it takes courage. I've found that many enjoy the fantasy of it but lack the courage to make it real. That's one of the reasons I started requiring tribute. I got tired of feeling "taken advantage of" as a dominant. Putting out my energy, training boys to give them an experience of their submission, only to have them disappear once they got their fantasy needs fulfilled....it didn't serve my own needs, ultimately, to continue on like that. Now that I require tribute in order to train a boy, it's different. If they disappear, I don't feel so..."used". There has been a more even exchange. I remain caring but...also detached. I remain detached until devotion is proven. It reduces the emotional rollercoaster ride by about 80%. ::smile:: Remember that like everything else, it's a numbers thing. You'll need to meet many before one comes along who is not only exceptional in the ways you require...and is also inspired from the depths of his soul to serve you. Mistress S

AmyGirl -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 8:30:57 AM)
I used to have a male slave for three (almost 4) years. The dynamic that made the long term relationship posible was being firm and flexible at the same time. I went into exploring his fantasies slowly. I don't even think we talked about them directly for two or three months. From the outside it sounds like they might need more time before being pushed to really reveal themselves. My advice would be to keep in mind that most male slaves you would meet in person from here are raised in the US. Not really comfortable mucking around in the emotions side of life. If that is something you really want from a slave you might want to stick to artistic / creative men. Thinking back how I handled emotions with mine was very simple. He was required to communicate anything that he thought could POSSIBLY interfer. In addition if I asked a question about a topic he was required to answer it. Beyond that I figured that his emotions were his to manage not mine. It gave him the freedom to open up in his own time. And no, that does not mean that I "compromised" or "was not in control". (Trust me, he was very thoroughly used. lol) In many ways it showed him I was more in control. because I wasn't attached to how he was feeling about things yet I was obviously interested in the major things. Possible food for thought. Amy

barnone -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 8:38:35 AM)
bowandserve, I don't know if there is a way to get to know someone quickly enough so that they'd feel comfortable in sharing their true feelings (and hesitations) and for you to work off the intimidation (not of you, but of the lifestyle) together. Perhaps if you initiated a conversation on the subject, asked if they have any hesitations or feel intimidated, and then, to make them feel more at ease, say that you yourself are a little nervous about starting a relationship in the lifestyle and you'd like to find someone to work through it together. Don't forget that everyone is brought up thinking that for a male to submit is very immasculating, and in a sense, it is, because we associate masculinity with dominance. That's probably a big part of the intimidation. So if you're genuinely interested in someone, work through it together gently. As a woman, it may be easier for you to start a discussion on feelings.

MistressDoMe -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 11:43:20 AM)
Let me explain this briefly, they were liars. There are very few real submissive men on here. Most of the males that call themselves submissive on here, are do me bottoms.

womanworshipper -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 12:20:43 PM)
i have never "dropped off" in the exact way You describe but once in my early days as a novice sub i literally fled. i was due to meet a lifestyle Domme at a well-known London landmark and go on to a party with Her. i had met Her in person maybe once or twice before. This was my first r/t experience. After a time She called me and told me there had been a change of plan and i was to go to Her hotel, which was on the other side of London (not a very salubrious part). When i got there i was to call her on her mobile. i did so (already feeling very nervous and disorientated) and a man answered. He said he had Mistress's mobile but i should have a drink in the hotel bar and when he returned he would tell Her i had arrived. i didn't know who he was and i wasn't expecting anyone to be there apart from Mistress and it freaked me out. i paced about for a couple of minutes wondering what to do, then just fled in a panic, thinking i had been set up. Mistress rang me on the way home but i was in such a state i wouldn't even answer the phone. She left me a text asking me to explain and later i replied. It turned out that the man was Her slave/spouse who always accompanied Her on these meetings. She acknowledged that She should have told me he would be there and offered me another chance. Although i was reassured, i decided to take some time out to review what i was doing and how i went about it. We/we parted amicably. i have had misgivings on other occasions since but i have always made sure to discuss them with the Lady. i have also had doubts about my ability to handle a relationship with a particular Domme and again i have always made a point of discussing these and where appropriate, politely withdrawing. i would not just "drop off" as i have had this done to me on numerous occasions (sometimes by Dommes, sometimes vanilla relationships) and it is very frustrating. i think when sub males do it, it is largely fear that they have bitten off more than they can chew, but really if they have this fear they should talk to Mistress about it, if only out of courtesy.

stockingluvr54 -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 12:31:10 PM)
I have no real time experience except once with a pro. It was NOTHING like I'd imagined or fantazied? I was abit overwelmed to say the least. I'd exposed much (but far from all) to her and was embarrased, afraid, anxius, and scared but an overall calm came over me at the same time? She was a definate pro and read me like a book...made me about as comfortable as I think I could have been in this new scary but strangely exciting situation? I found some things I enjoyed and some that surprised me because they were nothing like my fantasies at all? Some things I didn't like at all. I personally think that if she'd been a yelling, screaming, demanding type domme that I'd have freaked and bolted at the first opportunity? Anyways...what I'm trying to get at is that her demeanor was more the gentle, nurturing, soft spoken type and she made me comfortable and somewhat relaxed during the session. This allowed me to relax and reveal more of the deeper hidden stuff inside (and that wasn't easy)? Personally I think it would be easier to tear down some walls in the presence of a Pro because there's no personal commitment or basically nothing is really at stake? I believe that it would be MUCH harder for me to reveal myself completely to a potential rt long term Domme? More vulnerable to a potential mate where feelings are involved which would probably make me more cautious/nervous,etc? In my case I think she would have to spend lots of time tearing down some walls that took so long to build...one brick at a time. I'd really like to strip myself of all the bullshit and REALLY bare it all but that's gonna take some time to slowly build the trust between the two people before that'll ever happen completely? So just maybe some of your guys were inexperienced like myself and possibly they needed more time or a slower pace possibly...??? Maybe the fantasy and the reality difference freaked em out? Maybe more face-to-face talk was needed...?? Maybe you could slowly groom and mold him towards what you desire...one step at a time? In my mind..for me personally....the Lady will need to be very patient and slowly help me tear down the wall one brick at a time to get to the complete real me? I think too much too fast could send a guy running possibly? There ya go.....an opinion from a guy with no experience...gotta luv it! lol.......

Unrepentant1 -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 2:00:54 PM)
I find it quite sad that Dommes see male subs this way, I think there are many fakes on here, but I also think it is not as one sided as made out. Some seem to think a Sub submits automatically, which I do not, it takes a special person for me to submit, then she gets everything. I may not be the norm on here, but I am also genuine. I ache to serve and love someone as I truely need to, but unfortunately a lot presume I will sub to them without earning the right or do not take the time to know me. Its a two way street as is any other relationship, a little more complicated but the same in the end.

iwearpanties -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/22/2007 2:47:26 PM)
as a sub male i have had the total oppsite i cant get a Mistress to even give me the chance so i undertsand if your fustreated ....... ive found many dont wnat too deal with a male sub whos above avg height. many ive spoken with have simluar answer you cant be sub and be that tall

peterK50 -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/23/2007 5:29:41 AM)
I have met some Dommes & by the third meeting it's a case of "Been there done that." No imagination, no vision, no room for growth or development. The thing dies a natural death rather quickly. Don't be so quick to blame the sub/slave.

Einzelganger -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/23/2007 5:47:40 AM)
Male subs aren't the only ones who 'drop off'. A former Mistress of two years literally stopped responding to me in every way, shape, or form. Now, this is not someone I simply knew online; we'd had many sessions in person, and had made further plans. Anyway, I called her from a different number, and when she picked up, all she had to say was that the age difference wasn't working out for her. Why that was so hard to tell me any other time I'd called, I don't know. shrugs It was wonderful while it lasted, but I wish she had simply told me it wasn't working out for her. -Einzelgänger

CuriousLord -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/23/2007 7:56:54 AM)
Perhaps subs you've been interested in found another Domme who ordered them to completely drop contact with other potential Domme's?

selfbnd411 -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/23/2007 10:53:46 AM)
I don't think this is a sub-Domme issue. This is just a normal relationship issue that results from people being afraid of the potential confrontation of deciding that someone isn't the partner they're looking for. I'm not saying it's right, but it happens.

MiladyElaine -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/23/2007 10:53:59 AM)
barnone said " Sure, vanilla relationships also require all of those things, but in a vanilla relationship you can hold back or reveal them more slowly. In a D/s relationship you really have to bare all for it to work." I totally agree with this and it is one very good reason for online training. During online training you can send an email of twenty questions or so and have them answer in a different color first and you go in behind and give yours. Always have THEM answer first so they can't just copy or agree with you. you can talk, discuss, order them to do things and send either a photo as proof or webcam if you desire. All this helps break down the barrier slower and not be so intimidating.

Celeste43 -> RE: Male subs - what causes you to suddenly drop off? (4/23/2007 11:36:50 AM)
By laying it out that you are seeking a long term partner, perhaps they feel pressured to commit immediately? And to be frank, I have no idea on how to rectify this. If you don't say it, you'll be inundated with people who just want to play and if you do say it people get frightened off. Maybe just say that you don't find casual play satisfying anymore and judge the qualities of your date privately to decide if they are worth investing another evening in or not.

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