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another communication question - 4/22/2007 4:25:36 PM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Given the number of submissives who have admitted on recent threads that they have a hard time approaching the Dominants in their lives with their feelings and struggles, I thought I would ask this question. 

When a submissive needs to bring up a potentially difficult topic about the relationship, but she (or he) is also very much new to the whole talking about feelings thing, what is the best way to handle it?  Say the Dominant in this situation is one who has a knack for not answering questions clearly and turning the conversation to other subjects without ever fully addressing the sub's concerns.  What would your advice be in dealing with such a situation? 

Is this a case of the Dom avoiding a potentially unpleasant talk or a sign of more serious relationship problems?  How do you tell the difference?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 4:34:03 PM   
m0rgan


Posts: 403
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		a good question, from an unfound profile?? i am currently blundering through negotiation with an experienced (much more than i) sub, and i have requested 2 types of conversation during this process. my needs and her needs. this may have been a mistake as i don't know yet how much reliance to place on her answers, this must be a common problem, easy to arrange, tough to police or verify!

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download this, the girls voice will make you damp--->

http://www.saab.com/main/GLOBAL/en/download_release_me.shtml


a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou,
beside me, in the wilderness, were paradise enough!

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 4:39:06 PM   
myobedience


Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: m0rgan

a good question, from an unfound profile??



mmmmmm............. we do have every right to deactivate our profile on the other side.
You dont like it?  I personally dont care cause I deactivate with a whim and reactivate it with a whim...........I am sure others do as well.
"No profile found" doesnt make anyone a wanna be..... after all, if we are here for forum chatter, that is our perogative...............

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

(in reply to m0rgan)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 4:39:14 PM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Sorry about that, m0rgan.  I keep my profile set to inactive as I am not looking for a partner at the time and having it turned off cuts down on the email from those who think "not looking" just means I have only been waiting for them to show up.  It is turned back on now. 

< Message edited by Treasure3 -- 4/22/2007 4:44:10 PM >

(in reply to m0rgan)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 4:41:48 PM   
myobedience


Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

Sorry about that, m0rgan.  I keep my profile set to inactive  It is turned back on now. 


Why are you "sorry" for YOUR choice and why activate just cause he gives you a hard time?

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 4:44:15 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline
This is something my Daddy and I have struggled with for a long time now ... I have a rule (which I made myself) that when I avoid feelings or talking and I cop out and say "nothing's on my mind" I write the word "nothing" 2,000 times ... because I HATE writing ... this has worked for me.  I am getting much better at telling him what I am thinking, feeling, needing, etc ... mainly because he holds me to the writing, lol.
 
As for Daddy ... he had to learn to trust me and to know that I support him and I am here to please him and help him.  Once he realized that I wasn't out to change him and that I loved him for who he was ... it became much easier for him to open up to me and share his feelings.  Due to past relationships he was worried I would judge him or leave him ... and now that he knows I won't ... he opens up a lot more ... sometimes too much, hehe.


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RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 4:46:07 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: m0rgan

a good question, from an unfound profile??
 

 
this is interesting ... most people bitch if you are only here to chat and have an *active* profile ... saying you should make it inactive if you're chatting and not looking ... I think this is the first time I have seen someone with the opposite view ... and I am kinda surprised, lolol.

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(in reply to m0rgan)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 4:56:14 PM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline 		Hello,
I have a similar problem as BabyNyla, but my phrase is "I'm fine." We're both working on being more open with our feelings. And trying to talk without hurting each other, we have issues with our lack of face time.

In regards to how does someone bring it up, when it's hard to do. Pick the mood of communication that works best for you, in person, im or a letter. Whatever you feel the most comfortable doing. I might also write it out ahead of time, at least the basic stuff you want to get out. I would also use I-statements. Start everything with "I feel/need/ect" and don't put down the other person.

If the Dom (person you're talking to) doesn’t understand the importance of what needs to be addressed, try a different way of saying it. You might just have to say, "Blank isn't working for me, can we talk about it"

Communication is very important to all relationships. The forms which communication takes are different but it is very much needed.

I hope that I made myself clear. I guess it comes down to you just have the bite the bullet sometimes and come out and say it to the best of your abilities.

(in reply to BabyNyla)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 5:07:20 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I think the most important thing is to not think it all has to come out or be dealt with in one afternoon.  You can go at a slow pace, as long as you keep the connection and openness about it.  A little here, a little more there.  Understanding a person isn't something that takes weeks or even months.  Understanding their dark side takes even more.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SunNMoon)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 5:15:35 PM   
m0rgan


Posts: 403
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Why are you "sorry" for YOUR choice and why activate just cause he gives you a hard time?
quote:

ORIGINAL: myobedience

myobedience - your critical faculties are flawed!! a question mark just means a question, not "a hard time". i found it not easy to understand why one would start a new topic (and one i am interested in) with an inactive profile, and wished for illumination, not contrition or interference. thank you for your input, which was illuminating but flawed by false assumptions, please try not to do that with me again, it borders on the malignant and confuses those with thinner skins than i!!
no apology was asked for or expected, just clarification. i suggest you read more slowly, and respond less curtly. regards, but to the topic starter and polite and accurate participants only. learn from this.


_____________________________


download this, the girls voice will make you damp--->

http://www.saab.com/main/GLOBAL/en/download_release_me.shtml


a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou,
beside me, in the wilderness, were paradise enough!

(in reply to myobedience)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 5:53:30 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Many people who can not speak their emotions can write them. Many slaves have journals where all or some of it is marked as "Master's Eyes Only" or some such.

Master Fire


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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 5:56:25 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		In the early days i found writing it in a letter or journal to be a good way of opening up the discussion. It gave me chance to choose my words carefully and think it through before committing it to paper. And every now and then a page would be torn out and i'd start again LOL! Master has also chosen to write things on occasion when He thought it best. These days W/we have much less trouble getting such conversations started and so the journal is more likely to get the summary of the discussion!

As a Domme I have tried to use a similar technique, but I find it is an uphill job getting MOST boys to write reflectively! I did have success with one who could DRAW how he was feeling though! How do other Dommes of male subs deal with this?

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to m0rgan)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 5:56:55 PM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Writing is a wonderful way to say those things which are difficult to verbally express.  Unfortunately, there are those Doms who don't want to read journals or maybe it is just a sign that they are not "into" the relationship so much?

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: another communication question - 4/22/2007 6:35:21 PM   
RPdom


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
As a Dom this is something that took me a long time and many mistakes to learn. We have a tendency not to deal with emotional debates at times. It is much to easy to use the submit button and not truly hear our subs thoughts and feelings. Then again if we are faced with an issue that we just don’t know how to address sometimes it is very hard for a Dom to admit they do not know how to handle a particular problem, push the submit button again. All these emotions get shoved down and put on the back burner, well pretty soon the back burner is overwhelmed and it explodes not a good thing. Doms need to learn to listen and deal with the subs feelings or they will eventually lose the sub.
If a sub doesn’t feel they are being heard and their issues addressed then they need to push the stop button and say no more until we deal with these issues. My opinion is if the Dom is not willing to do so then pack you bags and find one that has two ears and will listen.

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 14
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