Dom/Sub roles....with a couple

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Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/22/2007 8:14:37 PM

philadelphia

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I am wondering what is a submissives role when she serves under a master with a significant other.......how is she/he susposed 2 act or respond 2 thw Dom's spouse....what are the "traditional" roles of a Dom/sub relationship.......

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/22/2007 8:21:17 PM

minnetar

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i would ask your Master as to His expectations about your behavior.

minnetar

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/22/2007 8:30:21 PM

MasterFireMaam

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However the three of you decide it should be. Some feel the sub serves both equally, some feel that the sub need never have contact with the SO.

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/22/2007 8:30:40 PM

philadelphia

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I am the Masters wife therefore I am the Master......I am not the sub/slave....do u have an answer or not.......................

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/22/2007 8:32:24 PM

philadelphia

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Well I am wanting 2 kno the traditiona subs role.....I mean we were considering a sub/slut but I am kinda thinking she has ulterior motives.......

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/22/2007 8:49:13 PM

Suleiman

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quote:

ORIGINAL: philadelphia

I am wondering what is a submissives role when she serves under a master with a significant other.......how is she/he susposed 2 act or respond 2 thw Dom's spouse....what are the "traditional" roles of a Dom/sub relationship.......

There is no overarching "tradition". There may be customs common to the specific community from whence you come, or into which you are going, but really, honestly, the best you can get are rough guidelines.

For my money, I do not require that a sub have any relationship with my wife other than to remain civil towards her. Anything else needs to be worked out between the two of them. I am, however, painfully egalitarian in my views, and am of the belief that a person chooses to submit, as well as to whom they submit and when they submit. Then again, I'm also a fan of the thirteenth amendment, which does temper my views to some extent.

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/22/2007 11:19:01 PM

philadelphia

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thanx 4 ur response......is it par 4 the course 4 her 2 try and 2 assume the position of the SO......without totally ending the situation how should something like that b handled

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/23/2007 5:10:42 AM

Lashra

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Sounds like the three of you need to sit down and have a nice long chat about the relationship you are involved in. Make sure everyone is crystal clear what boundaries are in place and that everyone is in agreement with them.

~Lashra

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/23/2007 5:23:40 AM

sillygirl09

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Why do you think she has ulterior motives? And do you mean you think she's trying to take your place?

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/23/2007 5:34:24 AM

Kremator

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quote:

what are the "traditional" roles of a Dom/sub relationship

Nothing is written in stone.

Everything within a relationship is worked out by those in the relationship. What works for one may not work for another.

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/23/2007 5:45:26 AM

hammernhoney

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Her role is to serve us both, obedience and devotion to us and her duties as property ..She is family and will be love and care for as long as she may live..Collars are serious business around here,A girl comes and serves.when and if worthy a collar is slipped around her pretty neck...AS a MASTER AND A MISTRESS we try to maintain a very structure house hold,they know what is expected every day so therefore with our very structured house, a slave does well...bounty ..edited to add,a girl here role is wideand ranging,one day she may be traveling with me to haul a horse and the next shopping with a large list the MISTRESS has written..our girl must be long and lean,can be at home dressed to the nines,in the barn up to her ankle in poop and chasing after the hounds at night at a hunt...just a few of the many thing she will do here at the circle c..BH

< Message edited by hammernhoney -- 4/23/2007 5:50:38 AM >

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/23/2007 5:45:45 AM

fem4fem69

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I think you need to define your role in the relationship. If you are a DOMME then you need to act like one. If you are not into BDSM and he is and he needs a sub/slave to be happy then you need to talk to him about what will work in your relationship and what will not. Your relationship WILL NOT withstand ANY of this if you do not communicate.
If you want to set boundaries for the sub/slave and for your husband you have to speak clearly on what they are and not be wishy-washy about it when you are "not in the mood". And they BOTH need to do the same for you and you need to respect and understand there wishes just as they are doing to you.
If you tell the sub/slave she is allowed to please your husband and then come home and she is doing this you can not be upset with her OR him. What ever role she is going to play in your life you have to accept it 100% of the time.
If she does not already know that she is 2nd in the relationship then you have to make that VERY CLEAR (2nd meaning that you are his wife and will never be replaced no matter what she does to him, and also in the same respect if she is with you, you have to make it very clear to your husband and to her that he will never be replaced by her.)
In the BDSM world a sub/slave is submitting to the fact that she is not your equal. But in reality this truly is all about trust and communication.
If all 3 of you do not communicate on a regular basis it will become a jealous mess and you will end up despising both your husband and the sub/slave for something that could have easily been controlled.

In my life we have a certain night that all 3 of us sit down and talk openly about what is happening in the relationship. What she is seeking and what we are seeking, through out the relationship and as it progresses these answers shift and change and we would never realize that without communication. Once the conversation is over and we all feel that we understand each other the "relationship" continues and the changes are made. If at the time of talking we feel that it is not working that is the time we state why and what has been going wrong and if we are not able to change them then at that time the sub/slave is "released" or we are “released” from the sub/slave, this leaves all parties understanding what went wrong and there are no hard feelings about the issue.

I would suggest that you do this with any and all sub/slaves that you are in contact with so that the roles are very clear all the time.

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/23/2007 7:24:38 AM

SimplyMichael

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Having done this to the point of him sleeping on the couch while we slept in the bedroom the one major consideration is showing respect to him, that isn't the same as deference but can at times be, especially if you are in his house.

The other is to ensure that everyone understands what everyone else needs to feel secure.

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/23/2007 11:52:33 AM

phoenixinchains

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i can't give you the view of a Master, but i can give you the insight of a wife; If the wife ain't happy, ain't no one happy. Everyone is right on with the advice to communicate, it's the foundation of any kind of relationship. Your secondary must understand that pleasing Your mate extends further than...uh, physical means. You (Dom/me, sub, or plain ole vanillia) are a part of Y/your mate. There isn't a standard that works for E/everyone on everything, that's the fun of Life. hehe, Life happens. maybe You could find useful suggestions to help on a site for polyamory. Hope this can help- Phoenix

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/23/2007 11:59:30 AM

Celeste43

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I'm unsure if you believe any sub would have ulterior motives or you just get a bad feeling about this one. If it's the one he's talking to, then either you are acting out of a feeling of insecurity or you are sensing things that he isn't. If you are feeling insecure, you need to tell your spouse what your problem is, and what you need to feel better. Now if it one specific female that you feel threatened by, then either banish them to play at the local dungeon or a motel once a week or use a veto.

If this female is subtly rude and condescending to you, and he can't see it, then you need to set your boundaries up and say she isn't welcome in your house or near you. Assuming you don't have veto power, If he has a history of picking women who are out to break up a happy relationship, then get veto power to prevent this in the future.

If the relationship isn't happy and secure, then this is not the time to look for a third, it is the time for marriage counseling to fix the marriage.

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/23/2007 12:05:30 PM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: philadelphia

thanx 4 ur response......is it par 4 the course 4 her 2 try and 2 assume the position of the SO......without totally ending the situation how should something like that b handled

It is your husband you need to speak to... He is her Master it is upto him to ensure her behaviour start acceptable and if it is not... it is HIS responcibility to correct it OR dismiss her if she can not be corrected.

As for her role in regard to you, that is upto you and Him to discuss and Him to then discuss (If they are not TPE or are still prior to submission) or ensure is obayed.

Unless she is required to submit to you, then you will need to remember that if you have any problems with her behaviour, they should be taken up with HIM, not with her. her behaviour and even her attitude is HIS responcibility.

< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 4/23/2007 12:06:42 PM >

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/23/2007 12:15:59 PM

MrDiscipline44

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quote:

ORIGINAL: philadelphia

thanx 4 ur response......is it par 4 the course 4 her 2 try and 2 assume the position of the SO......without totally ending the situation how should something like that b handled

If the sub/slave is trying to take your SO's place in the relationship then I would suggest you set her straight. Unless you want her taking your wife's place in the relationship, she shouldn't be trying to do so.

As for your OP, in my home, a girl the comes in to serve focuses her service to me while service to my wife is secondary. Meaning that if I'm not home and my wife tells her to do something she better damn well do it as if I told her to. If I am home and my wife tells her to do something then she does it as long as I don't need something from her or I'm not having her do something already. Women that don't abid by this don't even make it to the first meeting. Those that seem to have an attitude shift when they get here get a warning. After that they're shown the door.

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/26/2007 6:41:46 PM

PairOfDimes

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You will want to define your relationship. There are three parties in your situation. There is a "master"--probably a dominant man, but not necessarily. There is the master's spouse or partner (this is you, yes?), a woman, and the orientation of this party is unclear. There is a submissive woman.

The submissive woman can agree to submit to your partner but not to you. This means that her relationship with your spouse would be distinct and independent from your relationship with your spouse. You and she would probably run into one another, but you wouldn't necessarily Have A Relationship--you could just be social acquaintances. Another option: she can agree to submit to you both jointly and equally. This presumes that you're somewhat inclined to have a relationship with a submissive woman, and that you and your spouse are inclined to co-dominate.

Your spouse, and you, if it's a triad, should clearly define the status of hir/your relationship with this woman in relation to your relationship with your spouse--the primary/secondary model of polyamory might be useful here, and clearly defining the status of that relationship would help with the "usurping" issue you mentioned.

You could likely structure this relationship in a number of other ways, but those seem like the two main options--independent relationship (hub-and-spoke system) or triad. As many others have written, you get to structure your relationships however you like, but you've got to pay attention to deliberately structuring them.

Monica

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/27/2007 5:40:34 AM

MasterBRD

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I think I can comment on this from a new perspective . My alpha katie was a Domme prior to meeting me. I decided early on that the most mutually beneficial thing for all parties concerned would be to "harness" that energy rather than drive it from her. She knows that I will never switch, and she quickly learned that topping from the bottom is unacceptable, but I do allow her to exercise a bit of control over the occasional sub during group sessions, mostly as a reward for good behavior.

However, this is a rare occasion and only as a reward. The majority of the time all parties involved understand that each person serves in an identical capacity, on equal footing, and that they are to treat the others with the same respect that they would like in return.

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RE: Dom/Sub roles....with a couple - 4/27/2007 5:42:21 AM

Asraii

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quote:

ORIGINAL: philadelphia

I am wondering what is a submissives role when she serves under a master with a significant other.......how is she/he susposed 2 act or respond 2 thw Dom's spouse....what are the "traditional" roles of a Dom/sub relationship.......

The roles would be however/whatever the Master set's up. Most often it is serve him/her equally or serve him, and then she's secondary.

Like I said though, everyone is different in how they set up their own homes.

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