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Instruction and goals - 4/23/2007 1:39:49 AM   
sensitivesoul


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/3/2007
Status: offline 		I get to see my Master on a weekly basis, Friday for an hour or so to share a coffee and chat and all day Saturday. During the rest of the week we speak daily for an hour or so and text. He is never far from my thoughts and i miss him. Recently after going through quite a hard time missing him we discussed the void i feel during the immediate days after seeing him. Its monday again and i miss him. One thing i think that would ease this is for me to focus on instructions or goals he might give me. He has done this in the past and i have enjoyed my week immensely although he is not a man of ritual. I have considered telling him how i feel but then question myself as to whether this is me trying to control the relationship. I know i could set my own goals but knowing he has set them would reassure me i am going in the right direction and pleasing him. How would the Masters on here feel if their sub asked them to instruct them in their absence or set them goals to work towards during the week while apart. Is this controlling?
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RE: Instruction and goals - 4/23/2007 3:33:14 AM   
HutchGarahl


Posts: 562
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline 		Me personally. It helps to show me the desire in my sub/slave and the willingness to serve. There is nothing wrong in asking.

(in reply to sensitivesoul)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 4/23/2007 4:01:25 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Oh come on.  You should certainly know him well enough to voice your thoughts to him.  Yanno?  I think subs sometimes worry way too much about topping from the bottom or trying to control the relationship.  He can always say he doesn't want to do that.  Can't hurt to ask and if you approach him properly and tell him of you feelings (and what Master doesn't want to hear the his sub misses him), I'm sure he'll be good with it.  In fact, why not bring him some suggestions?  He may appreciate it.

(in reply to sensitivesoul)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 4/23/2007 7:19:41 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Bandit, I SO agree with you.  I think almost as common as "topping from the bottom" is some sort of reverse corollary like "withholding valuable information AT the bottom"  which while not as catch is very real problem.

Most dominants could deal with topping from the bottom because we can SEE that.  Keep secrets from us, and while I am very perceptive I would never call myself psychic and thus I can't deal with them.

I am glad someone raised this question and I am curious to see how others deal with this.  I think for me, since I am now in a long distance relationship that I will focus on the following.

  • Requiring her to make a small block of time available to her every other day that is JUST hers, not her family, not mine, nobodies but hers.  A way of me spoiling her.
  • Some small task so that she makes herself of use to me and makes my life easier.
  • Require that she bring some modest structure to what will always be chaos.  That will provide me with a bit of help in both feeling a sense of control as well as ensuring she feels that control, all while improving her quality of life.
  • Setting of some medium and long term goals to work toward.  Living life day to day when one has children is all to easy.
  • Requiring her to find and plan time for us as her gift to me.  This will help both of us feel connected, I can feel her attention and focus (important for my well being) and she can feel she is serving me.  Perhaps seeing the same movie, me reading to her on the phone, or something more sexual.

I look forward to reading others thoughts and ideas as this place has some very creative and talented people and I really really want to make this work for the two of us.

(in reply to bandit25)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 4/23/2007 7:21:26 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		This whole communication deal :)

How long has this relationship been stable in this situation?  That might change how I respond.

In general, I actually think you should continue to set your goals.  It gives you more a sense of accomplishment as an individual, and since you need to spend most of your time acting as an individual, it will likely lessen the issues of dependence.

But a lot of people find that rituals help in absence, whether through a symbol or gesture, a ritual can connect them to the place inside they want to touch on and remember.

Oh and you're actually controlling the relationship by deciding what to tell him and what not to, rather than giving him the information to choose for himself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to bandit25)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 4/23/2007 7:45:17 AM   
freethinkingsub


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/23/2007
Status: offline 		LuckyAlbatross,
This relationship has been stable for 3 years, (if i understand what you mean by stable).
When we are apart i do feel the nedd to connect to something inside me, the part that feels i belong to him. We have busy and independent lives and he is comfortable and very confident of the status quo. i on the other hand have always suffered a little from doubts and self confidence which ebbs and flows throughout a monthly cycle (another issue)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 8/15/2007 11:12:18 PM   
Rockwell


Posts: 63
Status: offline 		Set your own goals please you both

(in reply to freethinkingsub)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 8/16/2007 12:05:14 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sensitivesoul

I have considered telling him how i feel but then question myself as to whether this is me trying to control the relationship. I know i could set my own goals but knowing he has set them would reassure me i am going in the right direction and pleasing him. How would the Masters on here feel if their sub asked them to instruct them in their absence or set them goals to work towards during the week while apart. Is this controlling?


Suggesting is not controlling. If you suggest and he says yes, he's still choosing to do his own will, not yours. If he says no, and directs you to determine your own goals, that's still doing his will. Win-win for you. Perspective counts for a lot in our line of work.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to sensitivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Instruction and goals - 8/16/2007 5:02:37 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		Talk to him.  Have a list of suggestions, and make it clear why you need him to help you.  And think about what you can do for yourself, too, to get past those feelings.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 8/16/2007 6:46:48 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		By all means, ask him!  He'll tell you no if he doesn't want to do that.  But how is he supposed to know what's going on in your head and heart unless you talk to him about it?  Making an honest request is not topping from the bottom!  Manipulating him to have your request fulfilled would be topping from the bottom.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to becca333)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 8/16/2007 7:45:37 AM   
chey


Posts: 121
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with LA that by not telling him you are taking away his ability to work out an issue that seems to be very important. The others have already said it, if he does not want to give you things to work on while you are apart he will say no. He may tell you to set your own goals for the week. That is still very much a command and would give you something to focus on.

< Message edited by chey -- 8/16/2007 7:46:00 AM >

(in reply to feastie)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 8/16/2007 9:33:36 AM   
fsslave


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/14/2007
Status: offline 		Oh good grief, and when i wrote a comment about wanting more, different from my Master in the submissive/slave forum, almost everyone told me i was wrong, the slave can't give the Master suggestions, the slave must sit there in silence and let the Master do it as He wants...by not doing anything, the Master is dominating in His way, and it is up to the slave to stay in her place and let Him choose how to do it. A few even suggested that He should do even less, to punish me for wanting more! Granted, a few advised me to talk it through with Him, but the general consensus was that i was being selfish for wanting something more than He was willing to give. NOT THAT I AGREE WITH THEM. i feel that the pair should both bring something to the table. So go, have that conversation, and good luck, i know exactly how frustrated you are. 

(in reply to chey)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Instruction and goals - 8/16/2007 9:44:48 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fsslave

Oh good grief, and when i wrote a comment about wanting more, different from my Master in the submissive/slave forum, almost everyone told me i was wrong, the slave can't give the Master suggestions, the slave must sit there in silence and let the Master do it as He wants...by not doing anything, the Master is dominating in His way, and it is up to the slave to stay in her place and let Him choose how to do it. A few even suggested that He should do even less, to punish me for wanting more! Granted, a few advised me to talk it through with Him, but the general consensus was that i was being selfish for wanting something more than He was willing to give. NOT THAT I AGREE WITH THEM. i feel that the pair should both bring something to the table. So go, have that conversation, and good luck, i know exactly how frustrated you are. 



I think you completely misread what everyone said in your thread, and that comments about your thread should remain in your thread.

But for the OP, I agree with those who say making suggestions is ok.  In my case, I may make a suggestion - once.  It is then up to my Master to decide whether or not to incorporate it.  If he chooses not to, then the answer is no and the book is closed on it, and I do not repeatedly ask.  If he doesn't answer at all, it means he is considering it, and I do not continue to ask during that time and instead, take it as a "No" until I hear a definite answer (which may also be no).   I am always allowed to make suggestions, but repeating the same suggestion is considered nagging.  I also know that he may reject any and all suggestion, and I must accept that.

Whatever he decides, I am grateful for his decision and for taking it under consideration in the first place. 

It is imperative for me to always tell my Master how I feel, and withhold nothing.  If he feels my thoughts and/or feelings are inappropriate for our relationship, we work on changing them. To the OP, I would advise that you do tell your Master how you feel, and make the suggestion you have in mind.  It is not being controlling to do so; It would be controlling if he said no and you still tried to go about having your way.

My best wishes to you.

(in reply to fsslave)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Instruction and goals - 8/16/2007 11:18:05 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sensitivesoul

How would the Masters on here feel if their sub asked them to instruct them in their absence or set them goals to work towards during the week while apart. Is this controlling?

It is an opportunity for him to exert some additional control over you.  Your asking is not you trying to control.  It is you expressing a desire that is also an opportunity for him to deepen your feeling of submission and being controlled.  Personally, I think it would be a good idea.

Such tasks could be almost anything, but the one thing they should all have in common is that the end results of these tasks please him in some way.  For example, he could have you read a chapter from a book he likes each day or week so that you can discuss it later.  This isn't a typical "BDSM" activity, in that there is nothing kinky about it, which is the point, tasks don't have to be kink or fetish related, they just have to be done to please the dominant.  A more "kinky" example would be requiring you to kneel facing whatever direction he is in each morning and meditate for 15 minutes about the relationship, your place in it, etc.  This could become a simple morning ritual, a way of beginning your day with a little reminder that helps keep your frame of mind in a slightly submissive place.  Other examples of tasks I've used...
  • Bake me some cookies and bring them or mail them to me.
  • Do a set of personal photos with a specific theme
  • Call me at a specific time no matter what (for example a wake up call first thing in the morning)
  • Read a book and write a report (usually give a week or two for this depending on length)
  • Write a poem (usually a one day task, quality isn't the issue, obedience and writing without filtering are)
  • Do a specific exercise each day
  • Wear nipple jewelry I bought her anytime she goes out
  • Work on a specific craft project (varies in length from a week to a month)
  • Attend a specific type of class (possibly a college class, cooking class, dance class, etc.)
  • Write a short story (usually a week, sometimes longer)
  • Practice doing something specific for a specified time each day

Key things here are to keep the tasks and the goals specific, this makes them unique and special... it makes it easy to associate that particular activity with doing something to please your master.  That connection between doing and feeling is very important.  Time frame can also be important, it creates a sense of urgency and immediacy.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to sensitivesoul)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 8/16/2007 2:03:01 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		What follows is a perfect example of how NOT to react if he chooses to either deny your request or do it in some way that pleases him and  not you.  Learn from the mistakes of others to make yourself more valuable to him.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fsslave

Oh good grief, and when i wrote a comment about wanting more, different from my Master in the submissive/slave forum, almost everyone told me i was wrong, the slave can't give the Master suggestions, the slave must sit there in silence and let the Master do it as He wants...by not doing anything, the Master is dominating in His way, and it is up to the slave to stay in her place and let Him choose how to do it. A few even suggested that He should do even less, to punish me for wanting more! Granted, a few advised me to talk it through with Him, but the general consensus was that i was being selfish for wanting something more than He was willing to give. NOT THAT I AGREE WITH THEM. i feel that the pair should both bring something to the table. So go, have that conversation, and good luck, i know exactly how frustrated you are. 

(in reply to fsslave)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Instruction and goals - 8/17/2007 4:08:38 AM   
LordSully


Posts: 12
Joined: 8/15/2007
From: Holland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sensitivesoul
How would the Masters on here feel if their sub asked them to instruct them in their absence or set them goals to work towards during the week while apart. Is this controlling?


Before i moved to be with my sub we conducted our relationship at a distance and it was her that asked me in the first place to set her tasks and goals to achieve while we were apart. Personally i appreciated her asking me as to me it showed her willingness to please me whilst we were apart and at no time did i feel she was controlling the situation because she asked However that is is just my opinion ..... but perhaps braoching the subject with your Master would be a start


_____________________________

Proud Master and Owner of Constanza.
The Best in BDSM & Fetish Gear at:
http://www.fetishgear.eu

(in reply to sensitivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Instruction and goals - 8/17/2007 9:53:46 AM   
leadinghand


Posts: 23
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		My concern is that you wonder about talking to your Master about asking for assignments and goals. I would hope your relationship is one of open communications. Masters can not command effectively without knowing that the submissive is thinking, feeling, needing. That is a early and important segment of our conversations every day.
After years of seeing each other regularly in the same town we are now thousands of miles apart and are doing good to see each other more than once a year. But today we feel as close as we did when we were in the same town. Assignments and reporting in on those "chores" are key toithe way she offers service and that I can have a command presense in her day.
I work hard at setting goals that push her, engage her and provide an opportunity to feel that she is mine. It also fulfulls me and gives me a feeling of accomplishment when we have pushed limits, shared excitment and displayed the best in both of us through these assignments.
By all means ask for them and then apply hard work and passion is accomplishing them.
Good luck


_____________________________

LeadingHand

When insired by a great and extraordinary purpose, thoughts break their bounds. You transcend limitations, consciousness expands and you find yourself in a new, and wonderful world

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali

(in reply to LordSully)
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RE: Instruction and goals - 8/17/2007 3:21:16 PM   
theq


Posts: 85
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Oh come on.  You should certainly know him well enough to voice your thoughts to him.  Yanno?  I think subs sometimes worry way too much about topping from the bottom or trying to control the relationship.  He can always say he doesn't want to do that.  Can't hurt to ask and if you approach him properly and tell him of you feelings (and what Master doesn't want to hear the his sub misses him), I'm sure he'll be good with it.  In fact, why not bring him some suggestions?  He may appreciate it.


I'm on board with this response.  I encourage openess in my relations with a girl.  If there was something she needed and desired and didn't express to me...I'd be disappointed she was holding back on me.  That being said, I don't plan to give into every one of his desires.  Tell him and let him decide how to proceed with that information.  I believe as his sub it is your duty to inform him what he owns is thinking and feeling.

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Instruction and goals - 8/17/2007 6:19:53 PM   
charlotte12


Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think that telling your Master how you feel is controlling. Requests are not controlling, demands are. Besides, it's not like you're asking to be give time away or something, you want help to keep in your focus more during the week. Doesn't seem like something that would be displeasing to me 

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to sensitivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 19
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