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To continue down this path?... - 4/29/2005 2:30:08 AM   
Omnesub


Posts: 16
Joined: 4/17/2005
Status: offline 		Another restless night...My mind seems burdened with a thousand thoughts, when all that should fill my mind are sweet dreams as I rest for tomorrow. And so…in hopes of pulling those thoughts into the light of day, I write...I think…I try to see the truth of what is so important to be keeping me from tomorrow.

Please, allow me to first introduce myself. I am a boy, by many people’s standards, 22 years old and still much I have not seen or experienced. Almost a month ago I stumbled onto this “world” of bdsm…and my curiosity grew. Instantly I knew that there was something I wanted that kept me searching to understand the lifestyle further. I had explored some submissive sides of myself through fictitious games for some time before (though, in my mind at the time…those games were rationalized as nothing more then a way to pass the time)…but at this point, I suspected there was something else…its just trying to put it into words or concepts for my own understanding was beyond me.

The first week was spent looking and absorbing all I could about the lifestyle. Hour upon hour, day after day of nothing but trying to satisfy my curiosity…frustratingly, the more I learnt…the greater my curiosity became! I had to find out more …and the second week I set out to meet, face to face, others in the lifestyle. I attended two “munches” that week as well as another gathering and a private party with very light “playing’ (though, I did not participate…simply wanted to see and know more).

In that time I met a Domme that offered her help to me (the invitation to the last party was from her, among other things). Perhaps to her it did not mean very much, but to me it was a great deal…and it gained much respect from me. The next week she offered to show me what the different things felt like (again, nothing that would mean much to those reading this… but I had never felt a flog or paddle or anything else first hand) For someone to show me in such a patient way…expecting nothing in return (and most likely not enjoying it themselves) did much to help me think.

Sadly…that is where my dilemma begins.

I have done much reflection into what it is I am “after”. A “normal” relationship in the vanilla world is no longer of much interest to me… though, it is possible for me to mimic the actions… the various different scenarios would still leave me with what I am feeling now.

A week or two ago…I would have said the main reason for my wanting to continue into the lifestyle was to experience and feel the difference sensations my body can bring (through pain and other means). This, I have come to understand, was a misguided attempt to try and explain my desire to continue forward. (and, that is the reason why the experience I had with being shown what some different things felt like…seemed so upsetting. I felt like a burden or as if I were doing everything wrong. The pure physical…stripped of any feeling was so empty (((though, no fault of hers. I knew it was only her helping me see and nothing more)))

That someone would find value in me…would be happier with me at their side, those things make me happy.

What I am now, at this moment, is nothing more then a thinking creature. To judge me from my actions to this point, would make me nothing. Shy at times, I am always watching the world around me…and looking within me to understand what direction I should take.

To find a caring and kind person…that I could give myself to…is something that I can’t help but feel I want. BUT, it scares me to think of how I might change…it scares me to think that I would be happy…changed like that.

And so, I begin thinking again…scenario after scenario…and after each, it is the same. Whatever act they have me do, as long as I know (without doubt) that it is what they want (and that he/she truly cares for me)…then I too am happy . That they are helping me grow and change in different ways, physically (though, to be honest… most things in that area are more then intimidating…so much so, that alone I know I will never develop that way) and emotionally (perhaps, less growing…and just feeling here).

Time and time again I am told “if you are not sure or uncomfortable, you should not be doing it”. But…lately, that seems to be my normal state! I desire these things, even though when faced with them…they scare me to death. Should I stop? Turn back? Ignore whatever drives me to keep exploring? Or, do I need another person…who understands my “inexperience” and guides me forward to face the challenges ahead?

Perhaps I am trying to explore this part of myself…in the wrong way. It just seems that finding such a person would be even less in the vanilla world (the chances of meeting a caring and kind Dom/Domme, even here, is slim also…but at least a bit higher then trying to coerce a vanilla partner into the lifestyle)

Other subs…when you started to explore, at the VERY beginning…how did you? Did you learn from many Dom/Dommes…trying them on for the right “fit” as you gained experience? ((this seems like something I would have trouble doing)) Hmm, any advice is more then welcome! From where I stand… I can’t seem to see the other side of this particular bridge.

And…I know the generic answer already, “keep looking, there is someone out there.” At this point, I need more details on exactly how you went forward. The first Dom/Domme, how did you meet? How long did you talk before doing anything? What things did you do first? How long were you with that person? What level of experience had you had? Were you sure of your position? I have tried to look for similar posts, but many lack any kind of detail that can be of use to prepare someone in my situation for what’s ahead….or know how to move ahead…
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: To continue down this path?... - 4/29/2005 3:02:24 AM   
ginger21


Posts: 173
Joined: 4/28/2005
From: Austin, Texas
Status: offline 		i understand where you're coming from completely.

i am a slave, new to the collar and owned by an incredibly loving, caring, but firm Master. He's understands that i'm inexperienced, He understands that i may be afraid, and He understands that He'll have to be patient with me as i am still learning. He knows that i am not what He wants me to be and that it'll take the work of the both of U/us to make me into the slave He wants.

i think that you need to find the right Mistress. Once you find her, you'll know. You won't be afraid to trust in her as she will put your fears at ease. It took me a year to realize the Master i've got now is the one i've always wanted.

So, don't worry. As long as you keep looking, you'll find the one who's right for you. ^_^

***EDIT*** i just realized that i didn't answer your question in its entirity. Pardon me.
When i began in the lifestyle, all i could do was search. i knew what i wanted in my Master (white, older man, with previous experience) that would be willing to train me and understand my insecurity and inexperience. Outside of that, i read stories and look at pics of BDSM activities- researched the things i knew i'd be interested in trying and ignoring the ones i wouldn't.

So i suppose i should ask: More succinctly, what is the problem you're having? Have i helped at all?

< Message edited by ginger21 -- 4/29/2005 3:06:26 AM >

(in reply to Omnesub)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: To continue down this path?... - 4/29/2005 5:57:43 AM   
stormsfate


Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Time and time again I am told “if you are not sure or uncomfortable, you should not be doing it”. But…lately, that seems to be my normal state! I desire these things, even though when faced with them…they scare me to death. Should I stop? Turn back? Ignore whatever drives me to keep exploring? Or, do I need another person…who understands my “inexperience” and guides me forward to face the challenges ahead?


I have to disagree with the first statement above. Growth is often uncomfortable and a struggle. Remember the teenage years when we struggled to learn to be adults...that stressful period between child and adult? I feel discomfort is a healthy emotion in that it prompts us to explore the cause of our discomfort and in so doing, we get to know ourselves better.

To me, you are already heads and tails above many who come into this lifestyle, because they never take the time to get to know themselves intimately and really deep inside. I can always tell when someone has done the hard work, simply by the way they speak about who they are. Its a journey (you will hear this a lot), and the deeper you go inside yourself (i.e. in getting to know *you*), the further your journey will take you.

It has been my experience in my own life, and in watching others, that people with these qualities are rarely left on their own. Knowledge of self...self awareness, is very highly sought after. Just allow yourself to learn and grow.

My owner once told me that he had read that the mind initially perceives something that is unknown as a threat...until it explores the unknown and sees that it is no threat (or something along those lines).

At any rate, best of luck on your journey.

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to ginger21)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: To continue down this path?... - 4/29/2005 7:00:37 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
Firstly, may I just spend a moment to admire your words, candidness, and the beauty of your eloquence. Your words are deeply touching.

quote:

Other subs…when you started to explore, at the VERY beginning…how did you? Did you learn from many Dom/Dommes…trying them on for the right “fit” as you gained experience? ((this seems like something I would have trouble doing)) Hmm, any advice is more then welcome! From where I stand… I can’t seem to see the other side of this particular bridge.

And…I know the generic answer already, “keep looking, there is someone out there.” At this point, I need more details on exactly how you went forward. The first Dom/Domme, how did you meet? How long did you talk before doing anything? What things did you do first? How long were you with that person? What level of experience had you had? Were you sure of your position? I have tried to look for similar posts, but many lack any kind of detail that can be of use to prepare someone in my situation for what’s ahead….or know how to move ahead…


From a child as many here, I had dreams, thoughts, feeling and fantasys. They were desires not was usually discussed in 'polite' society, but I was fortuante that I have never felt guilty about it. My grandmother was a strong and wonderful woman who instilled in me my sense of self. She taught me through her actions that possibilities are only as certain as the person they belong to.

In my teenage years, I met people who guided and opened my eyes to what my fantasys and desires meant. I also unfortuantely, met with disaster and abuse, but through support and understanding, pushed past it.

I met Demon when I wasn't looking. I had decided to leave behind the life I had become accustomed to and 'settle'. In His wisdom, He has allowed me not to settle but to achieve. I have made terrible mistakes, caused and felt pain and thankfully... been allowed to be blessed with the most wonderful Dominant Man anyone could have the pleasure to meet.


How did I explore? By finding myself first. I truely, totally, unreservedly believe that a person cannot submit, nor Dominate anyone , if you cannot submit or Dominate yourself and your own life. To do so in my opinion, is disrespectful to yourself, the person you are with, and the whole embodiment of a consensual lifestyle.

Surrounding oneself with people who judge you, not on what you have done, but on what you have learnt and how you achieve through the learning. They should be accepting, even if they lack understanding. People who cannot accept you for your imperfections and mistakes as well as how wonderful you are, are not worth your companionship.

Do not actively look. Concentrate on yourself instead, as selfish as that may sound, as unsubmissive that may appear, because you are important. Find what you fear and instead of disowning them, embrace them. Learn more about them so you can be knowledgable in what you fear. Because once we understand what we fear, it becomes less powerful... it loses its enigma, its control. Do not submit to the control of something that you are afraid of.

Your understanding of yourself, and the realisation of what your fear, can lead to you being able to lift your head up high and carry yourself with strength and reassurence, which is beautiful and attractive. This being, you will never need to look... for you will be seen. A quiet whisper can inform more than a stubbon scream.

Do not judge yourself on how others perceive you, yet be open to their perceptions so you may learn from others in both negative and positive ways.

And always treat others how you would wish to be treated.

Do not fall under the spell of 'I am true, loyal and obediant'. Don't live up to that expection, but embrace that you these things, but that at times, you may fail, but that you can learn from your mistakes. Do not subscribe to perfection, but actively seek to obtain it.

Learn, as difficult as it might be, patience. Teach yourself it. If you can wait for those pair of shoes... make yourself do so. It might seem a little lesson, but it can teach a huge emotion.

Understand the concept of No. Especially your ability to say it.

Experience is useful, helpful... but it isn't gospel. Every new Dominant brings new training and unique challenges. Never think yourself as fully trained. But view yourself as learning from everything, everyday, continiously.

Realise you may change. You might have the urge one day to try something that previously, you may never have thought you would. Don't think it wrong to want to try new ideas... instead, bring them to the table. I was a masocist... but my urges changed and now I am more sadistic... but I can't deny my feelings... I can't deny myself.

You might be insecure in what you may be, but this is nullified when you can be secure in what can be possible for you.

Peace and Love

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to Omnesub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: To continue down this path?... - 4/29/2005 7:47:05 AM   
subcheryl


Posts: 280
Joined: 11/2/2004
Status: offline 		I am a sub/slave, new basically to the lifestyle also. I agree with what has been said here. When I first discovered The "lifestyle", I did alot of reading and thinking and even kept a journal of sorts, in a notebook. of things I read that I "tuned" into. Things that inside felt right for me, things that I was not sure I could do, and things I would never do. I also have the ability to "read" people, whether in person, or by written word, have been able to pick up on certain vibes that let me know of the kind of person they are, yes I do at times make mistakes, and when first getting into the "lifestyle", and a newbie online, I fell into traps by wannabe doms, and thanks to the good people here on the forums, and thanks to darkangel taking me under her wings, I learned more and guess what have been with my master for 3 months now and am very happy with him, but you have to get to understand yourself and what it is that you are truely looking for. There are things you know you are comfortable with right off the bat, and things you would be willing to try at least once and things you definately will not do, so look for someone who meets those areas and are willing to go slow and not be exceptionally pushy, they are out there. Best of wishes on your journey, be safe, sane, and consentual.

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: To continue down this path?... - 4/29/2005 12:11:09 PM   
QnofH3arts


Posts: 35
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline 		I sat here this afternoon contemplating how I would go about posting a question of My own regarding a potential slave I am considering. I came across this thread and it seems here My question is already answered. So, first and foremost, I want to express My appreciation to each of you who have already posted: Omne, Ginger, Fate, Angel and Cheryl, thank you for sharing some very intimate and personal thoughts and ideas that have given Me insight into this man who is quickly becoming very important to Me.

Now, if you will, I would like to share some thoughts from the "other side", as it were. I, also, had to do some deep soul-searching to discover who I am, what I want and how I will achieve it in My life. My road has been parallel to yours. I have done the research, the reading, the talking with others, expanding My mind, exploring all the possibilities. I reviewed My life, My relationships and finally sat down to make a list of all of the things that were important to Me - the things that I knew I could not live without and some things that I would like to have included on top of those, but with compromise as an option. Then there were the things that I absolutely refused to accept into My life. I have met and talked with hundreds, possibly into the thousands, of people in and out of this lifestyle, always taking away from them something that taught Me about Myself. I even trained a few submissives with the understanding that I had no intention of collaring them; that it was intended as a growth experience for both of us. Of course, I only did this after I felt Myself knowledgeable enough to manage both of our expectations. I finally reached the point where I felt Myself ready to seek out the "man of My dreams."

I placed My ad here on collarme in December. I received hundreds of responses. As a Dominant, I can tell you that it was very easy to quickly weed out those who were serious from those who were not. That still left Me with a fair number of men to consider. I began the "process of elimination." That sounds cold-hearted and it is very much NOT me. I am a person who has a genuine caring for the emotions of other people and I hated having to tell each one that they did not fall within My criteria. But isn't this why subs/slaves seek out Dominants? Isn't it that they want to be with someone who truly DOES know what they want and whether and how it can be achieved? Sometimes, it seems like a vicious circle.

I am only patient for a few emails before I am ready to have an intense interview via messaging or telephone. I do not hold back on My questions or expectations. I am straight up and out there right from the start. This has made a few uncomfortable, as they seem to believe that the courtship dance of D/s should be parallel to vanilla "dating". I am under no such delusion. Though, I will add the caveat that I am in search of a slave, not a submissive/boyfriend/lover. A slave will be of the mindset that will allow Me to shape him into what I desire and therefore, if he displays the "vanilla" characteristics that I seek and which are easy enough to discern, I know I can achieve the rest through training and with patience.

I reached a point in these interviews where I seriously began to doubt that what I had defined to Myself as a slave was true. I began to bend a bit in My expectations. Then, I began to compromise on things that I had heretofore thought to be hard and fast rules for Me. I took a step back and looked at Myself and did not like what I saw. I was not being true to Myself. I would rather remain alone than settle for less than what I really needed to be content. I decided to back off for a bit, but fortunately, I did not delete My ad from collarme. I only stated in the journal that I was no longer accepting applications. How fortunate for Me to be standing there staring into a barren desert and suddenly see an oasis.

He contacted Me the day after I stopped accepting applications; only a week ago, but it seems so much longer. Isn't it amazing how the passage of time warps when suddenly you find what you have always sought? He professed to a pang of regret that he had not found collarme and Me sooner and wished Me the best - assuming that I had already found what I sought and that was the reason I had ceased to accept applications.

I took a very hard line with this poor boy; telling him all that I intended to do to assure Myself I would have the slave I required. I expected to scare him away, in all truthfulness. He did not object to any of the ideas I presented to him and professed a desire to know Me and My needs better. I will not go into every detail of our discussions. What I will do is tell you that I have determined that this man. having very little real experience, recognizes the slave within himself and is strong enough to give that into the control of another.

The post that I had contemplated was to ask "How fast is too fast?" but in addition to empirically knowing that answer within Myself, the five of you have answered that question in more detail than even I considered. It is only too fast when it feels too fast to one or both of the parties concerned. I will give him what time he needs. I will guide him as he willingly allows Me to do so. I will direct our time together towards helping him to learn more about himself and what he is capable of achieving. Make no mistake, I will own this man one day and I will shape him into My perfect slave, but it will be at a pace that keeps us both within a comfort zone. No one else can prescribe that pace for us.

One additional caveat: When I say "comfort zone", I do not mean to imply that he will not feel uncomfortable at times and there will be times when I intentionally make him feel uncomfortable, but overall, the general feeling will be "comfort" within the grand scheme.

Again, thank you all for your insight. I wish you the best of luck in your individual journeys.
L

"Life should not be measured by the breaths that you take, but rather, by that which takes your breath away."

(in reply to subcheryl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: To continue down this path?... - 4/29/2005 12:28:26 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		These things usually happen when you aren't looking.

(in reply to Omnesub)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: To continue down this path?... - 4/29/2005 1:29:22 PM   
dragonofjapan


Posts: 91
Joined: 6/30/2004
Status: offline 		Omnesub, et al,

Stunning stuff to read. Let's me know there is life on Mars.

I think everyone starts someplace and ends up someplace else, then finds themselves back at the beginning, but completely transformed within. I started extremely young, lead on by an older woman (she was 8). For me I felt the physical rush of energy, up the whip and into my arm.

I had been conned into giving backrubs to my older brother and sisters. They told me it was a rule, what did I know, I was three. However, by 6 I had developed healing hands and I could feel empathically inside a person I massaged. So the first swap of the whip was transformational to me. That flow of energy was overwhelming in it connection to inside her. I could feel her will to submit flow in and Pull me into her. After that I was helpless, I could no more stopped dominating her than fly to the moon.

When she knelt and sucked me, I felt an instant connection to her. I at that age, never really associated her sucking me as sexual. It was more to me the ultimate expression of human love, the act of subverting your desire to the pleasure of your partner, is to me , the most human act there is in the world. I feel the act of surrender involved oral sex is one of the purest things a human can do to another. And it feels pretty good too 8-P

Over the years, I had had numerous relationships and even a ten year marriage which ended with my being a widower raising two daughters, born in Japan. I would say 90% had some form of D/s component, well OK 95%, well ok I can count the vanilla on one hand, but I am a total perv. By my marriage I totally understood the value and for me clarity of life in Keeping Your Word. This binding trust made marriage both simple and immensely rewarding.

In the beginning, I thought I was the big stuff, and I made the rules. Over time however, I have learned it is all about the sub. The tying and whipping and all those other things they do, yes even the sucking the cock is all about the sub. (but those of us with such magnanimous hearts suffer that cock sucking with a stiff upper lip, don't you know (ladies swooning tears brimming at the thought of our noble sacrifice)) I have finally come in the eve of my dotage, to think this is a dance, more a grand tango, where we weave back and forth a commitment to serve each other to the limits of our abilities, constantly seeking to raise our artistry to ever greater refinement and our addictiveness to our partners all the more substantial.

I have seen husbands who came to me asking for "help" in training their wives to be "sex slaves". In nearly every case, the man ended up as the sub, serving the guys the wife was enjoying "being submissive to." (I find it amazing how many women accept the church con, they are not suppose to LOVE sex. see eyes rolling)

You will find for many who have any humanness in them at all, is going to start often with a physical rush and quickly move to deep emotional content, for this I mainly mean guys. I know you girls are just hormone de range and a roiling snake pit of emotions from the get go. And Gents beware, these are the ones most likey voted "most popular girl" later on, given their gluttonous nature. (ladies take a bow, you are our collective unconscious dream come true. Let's us never think I was for an instant complaining or saying disbaragging things. I am humbled by your capacities.)

So well come to the amusement park. Please be sure to inflate shoes before walking on water.

Zip

_____________________________

He who rules truly serves
She who serves truly rules

Life is not measured by the breaths we take,
but by the things which take our breath away

Honor is not making good choices,
it is dealing with the consequences.

(in reply to QnofH3arts)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: To continue down this path?... - 5/1/2005 5:07:40 AM   
Omnesub


Posts: 16
Joined: 4/17/2005
Status: offline 		Hmm, this seems to be turning into a bad habit of mine. Another night when I should be long asleep…but again…my mind is filled with random thoughts about this subject. For something to bother me this much is very unusual! (though, not unknown)

Thank you to everyone who has replied and read my previous post… You gave me much to think about these last few days. What I am feeling now is… again…. very hard to capture with words.

Perhaps I should begin by expanding on who I am, so that those reading might be able to understand where I am “coming from”. (And, let me explain my honesty / openness. I am a very open person, to be embarrassed to tell others what you are feeling or doing…I see this as admitting that you believing what you are feeling or doing is something to be embarrassed about. Everyone is human and all humans act / feel…to be embarrassed about your natural feelings …would mean you are embarrassed to be human! How can you be embarrassed for something you had no hand in?! You can control what you do based on your feelings…but you can not control the feelings themselves. Hmm, but to decide if it is “right” to act on those feelings…has to do with morality…and that is a subject for another time! Oh, also the fact that no one here knows me…or is likely to ever know me…helps a bit :P )

Simply put, I am a virgin. This is not a situation do to any defect in my being (some actually think I’m attractive…though I’m not in a situation to hear that very often and take it with a grain of salt). The reason was basically I never cared enough to “get out there”…it’s amazing how time passes. Now, I’m sure you can guess what kind of “baggage” comes along with that (romantic ideals, unknowing…hah, making a mountain out of a mole hill? Perhaps, but like I said before…what I feel, I can not help)

I know what most would think from this. That I have an ungodly sex driving me towards anything …it’s quite the opposite. I don’t feel very sexually driven to continue, the problem is that it’s very intimidating!! Because of my inexperience… I find anything remotely sexual uncomfortable (though, not entirely unwanted).

Combine this with the fact I have strong submissive feelings. This seems to be a problem because it contradicts everything I have ever known about being male (and my body type is strong / masculine). This is an area for other male subs to chime in…how did you feel about this contradiction in societal stereotypes and your submissive feelings? For me, it’s less about accepting I feel submissive…and more about the fact that people will assume I am weak or something else when they identify me as “a submissive”.

While it may seem I am insecure about going forward, I am not. I understand what I am after …the path is a rocky, but it is one (hopefully) worth taking. Now I can sleep *smile* thank you for taking the time to read and suffer through my ramblings.

(in reply to dragonofjapan)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: To continue down this path?... - 5/1/2005 7:58:06 AM   
Oumae


Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

These things usually happen when you aren't looking.


I agree with EmeraldSlave on this, be patient, make friends... there are very caring Dommes around.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: To continue down this path?... - 5/3/2005 10:10:02 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

From where I stand… I can’t seem to see the other side of this particular bridge.


this slave would not have been able to see this side of it(owned, collared) either at 22...and doubts that if Master had appeared then, she would have had the sense to give Him the time of day.....please don't take this as a condescending statement about you or your age.....it must be even harder these days to be young and not have what you want--what with all the "instant gratification" of cell phones, computerized living, etc.! wisdom comes with experience, not just book knowledge--if this slave would not have had all the relationships that came before(and they were all vanilla) she would not be who she is today, so she does not regret a single one, even the very bad ones--life is not about discovering yourself, it is about creating yourself, and what you create is totally up to you.
Good Luck!

(in reply to Omnesub)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: To continue down this path?... - 5/3/2005 11:18:27 AM   
ruffnecksbabygir


Posts: 412
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		i can relate to beth's post since i don't believe i would be where i'm at today if it had not been for the failed relationships in my past, or for that matter, for all the experiences which led me to this point. i am now extremely happily owned and am for the very first time in my life, at age 31, sure of what i want and who i am....it has taken me this long. Not to say you (the op) can't know what you want and need at your age, i am only speaking for myself.

The way i discovered the lifestyle was almost by chance. i was surfing through the chatrooms one night and came upon the bdsm section, not a clue as to what it even stood for, luckily, i met a dom online that night, he guided me through, gave me the basic info i needed, directed me towards all the sites, books, etc....It's been over 5 years now, i spent most of that time re-discovering myself as a submissive female. i had some D/s relationships after my vanilla marriage failed, and there were many times i thought this lifestyle just wasn't for me....but i would date vanilla men and i just wasn't satisfied, and i dont even mean sexually. It took a long time for me to realize what i wanted, what i needed in a relationship. Now i am certain of what i am, what i want & need, what i am able to give and what i expect in return. But like i said, that has come to me after many sleepless nights, as the one you were having when you posted, of soul searching and not knowing where i was going or which path to take. You are not alone, i think it's safe to assume that most of us go through what you're going through now at some point in our lives.

Anyhow, my humble advice for you is, you are very young still, your journey is just beginning, take the time to discover this aspect of yourself but keep your mind open to other possibilities. You are young enough now where you can take your time in experiencing different things, you do not have to decide what it is you want as far as a lifestyle or serious relationship at this point....venture out, as you've been doing, continue your journey and absorb as much as you can, meet people, and don't limit yourself. That's my .02

_____________________________

~hugs~
Babygirl

:Disclaimer: The above is only this slave's opinion:

"And Those Who Danced Were Thought To Be Quite Insane By Those Who Could Not Hear The Music" -- Angela Monet

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: To continue down this path?... - 5/3/2005 7:44:37 PM   
MrKite


Posts: 94
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		I know this is ask a submissive but this original post was so touching I just have to add my experience. Hopefully it will help.

When I discovered at the age of 39 that I wasn’t the sick f--- I was afraid I was and there were others out doing this and it had a name, well I was so shocked at my own true and unrealized desires that I withdrew from the world. I called in sick at work for three days. I sat in my room and contemplated my life, as it was, hell I didn’t even speak to my wife at the time for a while. In short I was very afraid of my potential.

I had found one of the answers I had been looking for all my life and it was going to cause a great deal of upheaval. I knew that my contemporary life up to that point was about to end and everything was going to change. Shortly there after I lost my house, my wife and my job. (oddly enough all on the same day), then went bankrupt. Was my life turned up side down? On the contrary, it was turned right side up.

To know, who you are, where you fit in this world, and why is the greatest blessing one can have in life.

Despite all the chaos I went through, it was worth it. That was my life back then, I hardly remember any of it now. This is my life now, and every moment since that fateful day is filled with indelible memories. I’ve never been more self assured, and confident than I am now; and now with my beautiful slave/wife complete and happy.

As to your question, how do you proceed? All I can say at this point keep talking to others like you did in that post, with sincerity, honesty and openness. The details will take care of themselves.

And if you want more details or I can help in anyway contact me privately.

Sincerely

Mr Kite




_____________________________

If it feels good, do it.

(in reply to Omnesub)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: To continue down this path?... - 5/3/2005 8:12:19 PM   
Omnesub


Posts: 16
Joined: 4/17/2005
Status: offline 		Oh, I think you misunderstood when I said I could not see the other side of the bridge. I meant to say that the task seemed impossible (a better example would be a rainbow, the goal of the pot of gold is clearly in your mind…but the task of following the path of the rainbow to its end is something a person wouldn’t be able to clearly imagine).

While I may be young, I am honest with myself what I feel and want (as I hope others in the same position are… if they are simply seeking physical gratification, they should state that up front). There is still much I do not know…and it’s very possible that as I grow older, what I feel now will change. But…that possibility does not trivialize my current self.

When you say “life is not about discovering yourself, it is about creating yourself, and what you create is totally up to you.”.. I agree with that partially. Where it seems to fail, is in the face of a persons natural desires. While you may be able to control yourself to act a different way, ultimately it serves no purpose but to fool yourself into believing something that you are not (it is possible that you can live your entire life denying yourself what you truly want… arguably, there is no greater tragedy then for a man to be on his deathbed, looking back on his life in regret)

Self reflection and seeing yourself for what you truly are at that moment is important. To say you are “discovering” yourself is misleading… it’s difficult for you to “hide” from yourself. Instead, it could be thought of as becoming “conscious” of yourself. You are simply seeing in a new light what has always been there…”putting the pieces together”.

In my case, before I can hope to grow and become like those I admire…I must first see what I have “become” (who I am at this point). I have a firm grasp of myself (though, now and then I do see new things I was not conscious of before)…and that is why I continue on to see how, as the years pass, I will change even more. The fact that I do not clearly know HOW I will change, or what will happen…is the main reason for my slight hesitations. If I were to see the future and know the different challenges I might face (as well as how it affects me), then continuing could be done with a clear mind and fearless attitude.

But that’s enough of my mindless rambling… my naive views hold little value …

(in reply to ruffnecksbabygir)
Profile   Post #: 14
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