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A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 5:44:16 AM

MasterKazarik

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

Greetings all..

In the past while it has become somewhat of an anigma to my girl and I on our change in our relationship.

We have been together for over 6 years now, and we have a very interesting dynamic that is at times hard to do. We are Gorean, we are SCA'ers and the 2 at times just dont mix. One is very strick, while the other is all about gentility. It can be fun at times finding the middle ground and making those things work. Our problem arrises when those lines become to mixed and blended. In the begining it was very controlled and life in some respects was much easier. Now, we have life attempting to make things very very complicated.. My girl and I just talked about where we are and want things to be. I "WANT" the input from my girl as to were she is, were she was and were she wants to go. Her issue is she is not sure in what manner she can provide this information. I have tried to explain to her I "want" to know what parts of her life she wants more controlled and what she doesnt.

My question to anyone else here, have you gone through similar situations? What did you do and how was it resolved in the end? I have no doubt that we will resolve this and for the better.

I am sure that I will get some flame mail from other Gorean's, and thats fine :) Been there done that LOL.. But we all must remember, this is real world, we need to remember its not a book. OH and dont worry, I am pushing to go BACK to things closer to the book!!! :)
Master Kaz

Post #: 1

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 5:55:34 AM

mystiquenz

Posts: 330
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline

Greetings Master Kazarik,

Can you please tell this girl what the abbreviation "SCA" is short for. Without understanding the abbreviation then she cannot make a valid contribution to this thread.

_____________________________

blessings
~mystique~

(in reply to MasterKazarik)

Post #: 2

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 6:59:11 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

You are not alone.

Life changes, we change as people, I think it's part of being a living being to change.

This is part of the reason why I will never follow any "way" of doing things except my own way. I am a unique person, anyone I own will be a unique person, I have found that things work best when they are designed to support the Ms dynamic and to support us as individuals.

I can't directly relate then to the following a "way" or mode of living that is designed by others or is followed by numbers of people. I can understand that pulling away from that or needing to change things will feel awkward at best.

If you can, try to ignore anyone who attacks you for not being Gorean or SCA enough. You and yours and the ones who matter at the end of the day, not others and how they live their life.

You might sit down and make some lists of what works and what doesn't. Yes, your girl is going to have to give you input. She doesn't like that or finds it difficult, then it's work you both need to do. Create something that works for both of you. Your happiness together will be the best response to anyone who wants to say your are doing it wrong.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MasterKazarik)

Post #: 3

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 7:01:51 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Set aside a time and space, perhaps in your case with a ritual, hell, draw a pentagram and sit inside it. However, you set it up, inside that "space" you two can converse as equals or at least some other dynamic that allows free conversation outside of the primary power dynamic.

This preserves and if done well can enhance the primary power dynamic and frees both of you to focus on listening and speaking with clarity. This is crucial on many levels, especially if you woman desires to do anything you ask and yet perhaps doing so on the fringier edges might be damaging to the relationship if only because of either the guilt of resisting or the creeping in of doubt over whether "Master knows best".

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 4/23/2007 7:04:46 AM >

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 4

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 7:08:01 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

It can be hard to get past the thought pattern of, "Just do with me what you will." Is she better at writing her thoughts thatn speaking them? This might be a place to start...but one thing you can do as the Master is to let her know you expect her, as your slave, to gain effective communication skills. Let her know you expect her to research the subject, then share what she finds (the info will be good for both of you). Also, perhaps she is just feeling overwhelmed at the blanket question? See if she can pick ONE thing where she wants more/less control and discuss that...then address it. Might work.

The key is to keep talking. But, it sounds like you know that.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MasterKazarik)

Post #: 5

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 7:17:12 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

In similar vein to TammyJo- try and live more with the "overtones of SCA and gor" rather than living directly and completely. It might give you some sense of freedom.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 6

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 7:21:57 AM

lippyangelicsub

Posts: 29
Joined: 12/17/2006
Status: offline

sorry for being dense here but what is SCA, i thought it was a type of music or is that SKA?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 7:22:30 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mystiquenz

Greetings Master Kazarik,

Can you please tell this girl what the abbreviation "SCA" is short for. Without understanding the abbreviation then she cannot make a valid contribution to this thread.

Society for Creative Anachronism

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to mystiquenz)

Post #: 8

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 7:33:00 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

quote:

ORIGINAL: mystiquenz

Greetings Master Kazarik,

Can you please tell this girl what the abbreviation "SCA" is short for. Without understanding the abbreviation then she cannot make a valid contribution to this thread.

Society for Creative Anachronism

Yeah, but that doesn't explain what it IS for her!

The Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc. The SCA is an international organization dedicated to researching and re-creating the arts and skills of pre-17th-century Europe. Our "Known World" consists of 19 kingdoms, with over 30,000 members residing in countries around the world. Members, dressed in clothing of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, attend events which may feature tournaments, arts exhibits, classes, workshops, dancing, feasts, and more. Our "royalty" hold courts at which they recognize and honor members for their contributions to the group.

http://www.sca.org/

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 9

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 7:40:00 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterKazarik

Greetings all..

In the past while it has become somewhat of an anigma to my girl and I on our change in our relationship.

We have been together for over 6 years now, and we have a very interesting dynamic that is at times hard to do. We are Gorean, we are SCA'ers and the 2 at times just dont mix. One is very strick, while the other is all about gentility. It can be fun at times finding the middle ground and making those things work. Our problem arrises when those lines become to mixed and blended. In the begining it was very controlled and life in some respects was much easier. Now, we have life attempting to make things very very complicated.. My girl and I just talked about where we are and want things to be. I "WANT" the input from my girl as to were she is, were she was and were she wants to go. Her issue is she is not sure in what manner she can provide this information. I have tried to explain to her I "want" to know what parts of her life she wants more controlled and what she doesnt.

My question to anyone else here, have you gone through similar situations? What did you do and how was it resolved in the end? I have no doubt that we will resolve this and for the better.

I am sure that I will get some flame mail from other Gorean's, and thats fine :) Been there done that LOL.. But we all must remember, this is real world, we need to remember its not a book. OH and dont worry, I am pushing to go BACK to things closer to the book!!! :)
Master Kaz

Sounds to me like you need to step away from trying to live according to a book or to a society's guidelines, at least for awhile, and get back to understanding and relating to each other as two human beings. If you choose to go back to Gor and/or SCA after a serious discussion then at least part of the discussion should be how the individuals you are now...apart from Gor and SCA...can become the individuals that match up to Gor and SCA standards.

On a personal note, this would be one reason I would find it difficult to attempt to live a life dictated by things of which a majority are in direct contrast to society. I prefer to live within the society I am in and draw elements that I like from other areas that match up to my own personal code of honor and ethics and beliefs. Much as tammyjo expressed...

(in reply to MasterKazarik)

Post #: 10

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/23/2007 10:01:38 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

http://www.sca.org/

Master Fire

Fascinating link!! i wasn't aware anything like this existed and close to Charlotte at that!!

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 11

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/24/2007 5:45:53 AM

MasterKazarik

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

Greetings

That has been how I have been trying to take things. I understand that an overall question might be difficult to fathom or deal with so I have asked her to think about things, small things, that she might like more control in her life of or less..

We have discussed the idea of writing it out or sitting down and talking, neither idea seems to carry much weight, but you have to start somewhere right? lol.. So for now, its both.. We will be holding regular "special" meeting times where we as a couple will sit down and talk (as suggested by Simply Michael (Good Suggestion!)).. From those discussions she is going to start writing out her thoughts and feelings on what she might like to see done more of or less of, what new things she wishes to do and maybe things she no longer wants to do..
Overall.. a good start I would say..

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

It can be hard to get past the thought pattern of, "Just do with me what you will." Is she better at writing her thoughts thatn speaking them? This might be a place to start...but one thing you can do as the Master is to let her know you expect her, as your slave, to gain effective communication skills. Let her know you expect her to research the subject, then share what she finds (the info will be good for both of you). Also, perhaps she is just feeling overwhelmed at the blanket question? See if she can pick ONE thing where she wants more/less control and discuss that...then address it. Might work.

The key is to keep talking. But, it sounds like you know that.

Master Fire

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 12

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/24/2007 5:48:05 AM

MasterKazarik

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

Greetings..

That is actually how it has been, more of overtones, bits and snipits here and there.. I BELIEVE there is a place that both can exisit and flourish, finding that cross over point can be challenging, but that is where we get to also taste and feel the differences and from that can adjust our wants and desires..

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

In similar vein to TammyJo- try and live more with the "overtones of SCA and gor" rather than living directly and completely. It might give you some sense of freedom.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/24/2007 5:53:14 AM

MasterKazarik

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

Very very well put Master Fire

In my situation, I was an SCA member before I ever became Gorean (my first introduction (with out knowing it) to Gor was by way of the Tuchucks). We had a few members of them here who travelled regularlly to Pennsic (biggest event in the SCA). So being alligned along the methods of Chivalry come oh so easily. At the same time once I realized and learned about Gor and what that meant I knew that was also a good part of me. The fight between the 2 at first was almost to much for me to take as I tried to live them each to their most! Of course, that didnt work out so well LOL, but it did help me come to where I am today, which is more of theories and blends then straight out doctorine...

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
Yeah, but that doesn't explain what it IS for her!

The Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc. The SCA is an international organization dedicated to researching and re-creating the arts and skills of pre-17th-century Europe. Our "Known World" consists of 19 kingdoms, with over 30,000 members residing in countries around the world. Members, dressed in clothing of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, attend events which may feature tournaments, arts exhibits, classes, workshops, dancing, feasts, and more. Our "royalty" hold courts at which they recognize and honor members for their contributions to the group.

http://www.sca.org/

Master Fire

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 14

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/24/2007 5:55:44 AM

MasterKazarik

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

Oh on one small note, I would welcome fellow SCA'ers to feel free to contact me, I always enjoy speaking with others in the SCA who are of like mind in this sort of aspect (living the kink life), also makes it much more interesting going to an event when you know there are at least a dozen more people there that happen to have a flogger or 2 in their tent lol (and thats at a small event)LOL..

(in reply to MasterKazarik)

Post #: 15

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/24/2007 5:57:45 AM

MasterKazarik

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

Greetings dawntreader..

Oh yes, this world wide group is something very interesting and for a good portion of people it has something that no where else can provide.. Of course, so does the D/s lifestyles lol..
If your interested, I would certainly say check it out. It can be one heck of a lot of fun..

Master Kaz

quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

Fascinating link!! i wasn't aware anything like this existed and close to Charlotte at that!!

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 16

RE: A change in our relationship.. - 4/24/2007 7:25:51 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterKazarik

Greetings..

That is actually how it has been, more of overtones, bits and snipits here and there.. I BELIEVE there is a place that both can exisit and flourish, finding that cross over point can be challenging, but that is where we get to also taste and feel the differences and from that can adjust our wants and desires..

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

In similar vein to TammyJo- try and live more with the "overtones of SCA and gor" rather than living directly and completely. It might give you some sense of freedom.

Sounds like you are doing things perfectly fine then for you. Maybe just going through the growing pains of dealing with multiple communities and changes in our relationships over time.

I say "More Power to You" as you create a unique Ds relationship.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MasterKazarik)

Post #: 17

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