What help can i get here... (Full Version)

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ineedcontroled -> What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 8:47:22 PM)

I know I am new to the boards. I have been a lurker for a while now, and did not want to post. But I feel the need for opinions here.
This is for everyone to answer. I would like the opinions of all here if you will please.
When in a Master/slave relationship, do any of you feel that both sides should be open about everything?
Does the Master/Mistress have a right to hide anything he/she wants from the slave? Even if it is something they have discussed in great detail and the slave will not allow it to be a part of their relationship or the slave will not be in the relationship. Also, I must say it is something the “Master” agreed not to do. Then they go behind the slaves back and do it anyway.
I know a lot of you here believe that it is right for the slave to just obey and it doesn’t matter what their Master or Mistress does. It is not the slaves business. But, I also know that there are ones here that believe slaves are still a part of the decisions of the relationship and can set (hard) limits.
Any opinions and thoughts I get on this will be most helpful.

Thank you,
ineedcontroled



HutchGarahl -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 8:50:06 PM)

Communication is key in any relationship. If both parties have discussed and agreed upon things previously to getting into a relationship, then the master goes against what's been agreed on and hides it..yes, it's wrong.



crouchingtigress -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 8:54:07 PM)

 lying, breaking agreements and being covert....is not acceptable to me.

why is it acceptable to you?



imthatacheyouhav -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 8:54:55 PM)

If you two had hard limits agreed on before hand and the master crosses that line....then yes thats wrong and some things need to be discussed i would think. 



ineedcontroled -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 8:59:30 PM)

I thought I might be in the wrong for being upset that my One does whatever wanted and I am not allowed to disagree with it. When I do discuss it with my One it is twisted until i feel i have done wrong and my One did nothing against us. That i need to shut up and leave it alone. 
 
Thank you for the responses so far. 



minnetar -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:01:22 PM)

First i do not believe you are a slave because you have set limits but that is just semantics so please ignore that rant.  If you have told your Master you have limits and He has chosen to ignore them then it is an issue which needs to be communicated and if not resolved you need to walk away.

minnetar



imthatacheyouhav -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:03:36 PM)

whatever it is that happened or that your owner has done you need to address it right away and be specific. say exactly what it is that is bothering you and why it is bothering you....clear communication is key.....



astarri -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:05:27 PM)

i think that if you had previously discussed a circumstance and agreed that it would not be part of your relationship and he broke that by going behind your back, then he broke his commitment to you and i would imagine you would have serious doubts about trusting him again. Very detrimental to the relationship ..... any relationship!




Devilslilsister -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:07:37 PM)

Erm, alot of people dont believe slaves can/should have hard limits... that would make them subs.  So lets just not worry about labels, atleast those two.

In MY M/s relationship - my Master does not believe that he should be open about everything.

i personally believe things should be open on both sides and any amount of secrecy always leads me to wonder "whats being hidden"

Yes, my Master has the right to hide anything he pleases, he also has the right to do anything he pleases - even if its something we agreed that wouldnt happen.  I have the right to react and feel whatever i please.  Those two can and have conflicted.  For the greater good of our relationship, while he has the RIGHT, he doesnt execerise it. 

Really, its all about what they want.  Do they want some one who is untrusting, resentful, unhappy, miserable?  Or do they want some one of the opposite?  They are leading the group, so to speak.

so the question is.  What does your Master want?  Does your Master want you to not believe what is said?  Does he want you to think he is a liar?  Does he want you to be untrusting?  Does he want you in the dark about what he does?  Does he want a relationship that is going to go down hill? 

and what do you want?







LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:09:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ineedcontroled
When in a Master/slave relationship, do any of you feel that both sides should be open about everything?

No.
quote:


Does the Master/Mistress have a right to hide anything he/she wants from the slave?

Right?  Sure.  Should they exercise that right?  No.  To hide something would mean that they fear something, that they feel their sense of authority would be compromised if they revealed it- which means they aren't in control, their fear is.

And fear never works in the long term.

quote:

 Even if it is something they have discussed in great detail and the slave will not allow it to be a part of their relationship or the slave will not be in the relationship. Also, I must say it is something the “Master” agreed not to do. Then they go behind the slaves back and do it anyway.
I know a lot of you here believe that it is right for the slave to just obey and it doesn’t matter what their Master or Mistress does. It is not the slaves business. But, I also know that there are ones here that believe slaves are still a part of the decisions of the relationship and can set (hard) limits.
Any opinions and thoughts I get on this will be most helpful.

Thank you,
ineedcontroled

If they agreed to do it and then did it anyway then they are liars and stupid.



rhyad -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:12:02 PM)

First I think you can be a slave and have some hard limits. That's just my opinion. If what ever is bothering you was discussed prior to and now is being ignored than welcome to the world of relationships, no matter what kind. Relationships are simple but not easy.If you know what ever was discussed and clear limits set, now to be violated, then you can talk again; or you can accept; or you can end your half of the relationship. Those are the only sane, realistic possibilities. Two of these are hard. Simple but not easy. I will also obsrve that communication is over rated in the sense that if you know you have been heard and understood what's the point of continuing talking? The other persons behavior is communication as well.



minnetar -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:13:04 PM)

Lucky excellent response.

minnetar



szobras -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:15:06 PM)

 For me, It is niether acceptable for myself nor those that I have clear, agreed opon commitments to and with, to act without honesty, and the integrity to uphold our agreements.
Open about everything? That I believe depends on what "everything" is, and the agreement of the relationship.

You state that the particular issue has been discussed; though has it been agreed to by both? If so, it appears that both "M" and "s" are aware of the concequences of the actions either way. I have a strange feeling this is not about a surprise birthday party.
Welcome to the boards BTY.



Kitte9 -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:29:04 PM)

While my ideas about what a M/s relationship are a little vague due to my lack of knowledge, I do believe that master has the right to keep something to themselves, as long as it is not harmful to the slave. If both parties have agreed beforehand on certain values and the master then breaks this agreement, then that, to me, is not a master worth having. Even slaves have value, and a master who breaks their word denigrates them both.



spanklette -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:39:04 PM)

I can only reply from personal experience, but most of the things that were kept from my knowledge ended up working to my benefit later. I've never really had to deal with a trust issue where this is concerned. I'm not sure that there's really an answer to your question, except that every dynamic is different...



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 9:39:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: ineedcontroled
When in a Master/slave relationship, do any of you feel that both sides should be open about everything?

No.
quote:


Does the Master/Mistress have a right to hide anything he/she wants from the slave?

Right?  Sure.  Should they exercise that right?  No.  To hide something would mean that they fear something, that they feel their sense of authority would be compromised if they revealed it- which means they aren't in control, their fear is.

And fear never works in the long term.

quote:

 Even if it is something they have discussed in great detail and the slave will not allow it to be a part of their relationship or the slave will not be in the relationship. Also, I must say it is something the “Master” agreed not to do. Then they go behind the slaves back and do it anyway.
I know a lot of you here believe that it is right for the slave to just obey and it doesn’t matter what their Master or Mistress does. It is not the slaves business. But, I also know that there are ones here that believe slaves are still a part of the decisions of the relationship and can set (hard) limits.
Any opinions and thoughts I get on this will be most helpful.

Thank you,
ineedcontroled

If they agreed to do it and then did it anyway then they are liars and stupid.
Gotta love it when Lucky has the answer with which you thought and saves you from having to construct a clear way of getting your point across..:0)Tempting



N4SDChastity -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 10:19:30 PM)

deceit is NEVER a good thing.  IMO, to lie to someone acknowledges that they hold some sort of sway, or influence over you that requires you to decieve them to either maintain, or achieve some sort of advantage.  I believe that I am, FIRST AND FOREMOST a Master of MYSELF.  If I cannot control ME, how can I expect myself to control anothers destiny?  To lie is to admit, if only to yourself, that you are weak!  OP, If you continue to allow someone who displays such a weakness dominion over you, you diminish yourself by at least as much as they diminish themselves.  Find a new Master.  One you can respect.



santalia -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 10:40:36 PM)

Greetings

ineedcontrolled, i'm wondering if your "One" truly is your "One" at all. The Man who would be your "One" should be a Man who you respect and trust, and if He is lying to you, then how can He be respected and trusted? Yeah, you can treat Him with respect, be respectful in how you address and treat Him, but in the end how much respect do you really have for Him if you know He is breaking promises to you, if He is not living up to His commitment to the relationship He has with you? Then there's trust. He has broken your trust in Him by going and doing what He promised would not happen.

i think you and He should sit down and have a long discussion about this. If He is unwilling to accept that He has done wrong by not only you, but also by the relationship and in effect Himself, then it might be best to say goodbye.

And what i mean by He's done wrong by Himself is that He has lied to someone (in that He agreed to something then broke that agreement then tried to hide it). It doesn't matter to whom He lied. What matters is He lied and now He has to live with the consequences of His actions, which may mean He loses you.

Well wishes

-santalia{JR}t



WhiplashSmile -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/23/2007 11:38:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ineedcontroled

I thought I might be in the wrong for being upset that my One does whatever wanted and I am not allowed to disagree with it. When I do discuss it with my One it is twisted until i feel i have done wrong and my One did nothing against us. That i need to shut up and leave it alone. 
 
Thank you for the responses so far. 


I would call this a "Red Flag", without knowing the full details. human fact, Generally if somebody does not want to come clean with you about something, it's due to some form of fear.  Figuring out or knowing the fear of what is another matter.  There are times when a Dom/Master will not disclose the truth for it may be defeating to a lesson.  Call it the mind fuck factor if anything else.   It all depends upon the situation at hand.   I get the impression somehow that this is not the case. 

What you describe to me is a where your Master used a Guilt Trip inorder to avoid coming clean with you.  It's one of the tactics many people play, where they try to make the other person responsible for their own actions!  So I would say, he's not only not coming clean with you, he's also trying to make you feel guilty about asking about.  Perhaps when or if he does come clean be prepared for a Major Guilt Trip.  Guilt trips are a defense mechanism some people use to avoid accepting responsibility for their own actions.   It's a form of retaliation for having been forced to come clean.  I'm not saying this will or will not happen.  Just be prepared for it, should you continue in your line of questioning.  Be Prepared!  this is a good thing. 

First and foremost, you are responsible for your own actions.  Your master is responsible for his.  If you master does not take or accept responsibility for his own actions.. This may be a RED FLAG.   However, we are all human and nobody is perfect. I don't have enough details in your posts to know the Best advice to give you.   If this is over an issue that is having a major impact on your relationship, then this is a serious issue.   If you Master is aware of how serious this is, then it's in his hands to take control over it.   Ignoring it and dealing with it are two different matters.   Simply ingoring a problem does not make it go away.   Problems don't magically fix themselves.

Do slaves ever leave their Masters? You betcha some do.  Everybody has limits even the so called "No limits" slaves.  You should not feel ashamed if you encounter a limit.   If you are having a struggle or a problem with a limit. 

If this is an issue that was agreed upon at the start of the relationship, and he's gone back on it.  Then an established limit has been crossed.  Many times people make agreements to establish working limits and expectations.   When the other person is breaking an agreement, thay are not living up to their word nor established expectations and limits.  Big Red flag!

All this is my view on this matter, with the information I am reading.   I don't know you or your Master well enough to be more objective.  I am just tossing out my own personal views and thoughts.   What you do with this is up to you. 



darkinshadows -> RE: What help can i get here... (4/24/2007 2:20:55 AM)

quote:

When in a Master/slave relationship, do any of you feel that both sides should be open about everything?

That is up to the individuals involved, but in general, no.  There are some things that people have a need to keep to themselves.  But always remember there is a difference between privacy and deceit.

quote:

Does the Master/Mistress have a right to hide anything he/she wants from the slave? Even if it is something they have discussed in great detail and the slave will not allow it to be a part of their relationship or the slave will not be in the relationship. Also, I must say it is something the “Master” agreed not to do. Then they go behind the slaves back and do it anyway.

Like Em said, they have that right, but the question is whether they should exercise it.  Depends entirely what they are hiding.  In this case, from what is gathered from your words, it is something you have both discussed, that you arent happy with and made clear you wouldn't be in a relationship if it happened.  If the 'master' is continuing behind your back - then that is a lack of respect for both yourself and him... and it's a lie.  If he wants to do something, say have an open relationship for example - thats his choice and if he openly told you this and continued, then that is his prerogative... but to go behind the back of a slave when it is something that has been discussed that it is a relationship breaker or maker?  Nope - not good at all.  Thats a lie.

quote:

I know a lot of you here believe that it is right for the slave to just obey and it doesn’t matter what their Master or Mistress does.
No.  Maybe that is an impression gained, It isnt the case of just putting up with things, but that there is discussion and acceptance and then the slave accepts.  Then the relationship evolves and is shaped, but the slave isn't taken for granted(unless this has been previously discussed).
If it feels wrong, and your not happy - and the red flags are flying - do not deny your own feelings.
 
Peace and Rapture



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