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So Difficult - 4/24/2007 8:34:49 AM

UKEvolutionary

Posts: 60
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

New to BDSM, how does one get "experience" ?
There are many, many wannabees and equally as many pretenders out there on the internet, but HOW does a true believer in BDSM go about finding His/her first "practical" experience ? Obviously chatting "on-line" will determine to a TRUE submissive whether the Dominant is true or false, but How do you get a submissive to "respond" to an initial mail ? I could say I'm a Dominant of five years experience, but that would be starting out a relationship based on a lie !! and one of THE most important aspects of BDSM is truth, openness & honesty, how's a submissive supposed to respect Me if the whole communication was based on a lie ?
it is a true quandry that I'm in, and just wonder whether anyone can offer advice ? please note that I AM serious about this and NOT just physically !! I do NOT see BDSM as an "excuse" to abuse My submissive, but more a pleasure to fulfill her wants and needs

Post #: 1

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 8:41:18 AM

Absintheur

Posts: 7
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline

I think the best place to start would be with local munches. These are group meetings in public places...most often resturants..where people in the lifestyle can meet each other and discuss the lifestyle. just google (insert your hometown) munch. If you live in a small toen like I do just use the closest big city. They will likely have a yahoo group as well.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion,
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
The hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)

Post #: 2

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 8:52:23 AM

Belphagor

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

Absintheur is 100% right... your local scene is your best option, meet people and keep in contact via the internet... soon enough if you keep at it you will know heaps of people, learn what they're into, develop some experience of your own... it takes a bit of time, but be paitent and honest with other people about who you are, what you do, your experiences preferences and so on and I assure you that you will have a lot of fun in doing so...

(in reply to Absintheur)

Post #: 3

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 10:58:26 AM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

I agree with the previous posters, move to in da flesh. I have tried online and in da flesh and found those I meet in person seem to be better fits. I do not think it is because everyone online is a wannabe,fake or wanker its more in person you can find out if you and the other person fit. As well there is the distance, online all the people who are most interesting or fit what you are looking for always seem to be at the opposite end of the world. That makes it much harder to work.

I know there are sucess stories of those who have met online and it worked but I dont think it is the norm.

Local groups/munches/parties/fet nights are a great way to meet like minded people and who knows where that can lead.

All the best in your search

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)

Post #: 4

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 11:05:08 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Stop pigeon holing people into real and fake. Just because someone wouldn't make you the perfect submissive doesn't mean she's fake, it may just be that she'd be the perfect submissive for someone else.

How to meet? Write people, comment on posts made, vanilla things mentioned in profiles, make friends the same way you would in the real world. And you don't need to look only at highly experienced people. Just find someone compatible. If they've no experience either, then you can learn together.

This isn't rocket science you know, relationships are relationships. Here we just talk about (or should) the things that normally go as unwritten expectations. If in your family the mother took out the garbage and in hers it was the father, then you'll both be expecting each other to do that chore. Talk about it and work something out, but talk about it so you don't get resentful.

As far as kink goes, you can learn in a couple of days how to do basic ties, or where to hit with a crop. More advanced stuff can wait till you've taken a workshop.

(in reply to Owned1)

Post #: 5

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 11:20:59 AM

imthatacheyouhav

Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline

Seriously... a relationship is a relationship.....they all start out with "How do you do, my name is"...how you follow up that statement kinda sets the tone for the rest. if you get to know the person and develop a base on which to build then it may grow into what you both are looking for.

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)

Post #: 6

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 11:29:52 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

as that you are new and all i am going to let you in on a secret: everyone that calls himself a dominant is a dominant likewise any submissive that calls herself a submissive is one....you dont make that distinction they do.

how ever the starting place is books, friends , munches...it will take its own course you are only responsible for steering it the way you wish it to go.

how to get them to respond to email is a little trickier, you cant make them do anything, you can simply be yourself, and it helps to have some class, some humor and a nicely shot picture of yourself...not just sitting like a lump in front of the puter...but maybe an out door shot that has good lighting.

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 4/24/2007 11:36:01 AM >

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)

Post #: 7

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 11:33:02 AM

UKEvolutionary

Posts: 60
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

Interesting replies, and thank you for taking My post seriously, that to Me means a lot, although Celeste, I'm not resentful, I'm "curious"...... and as for "basic ties" etc, I'm already reading the "Screw the roses" book !! lol

Munches ? well I've only the one to attend in My area but I agree ....... I could probably learn a lot from them, as for looking for a "potential sub" is that not frowned upon within a munch? although "best" as in area and meeting, isn't it "bad etiquette" ? But Parties & fet nights ......... I wish I could find them in My area !!
Thanks for the Advice .... and I'll take it on board

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 8

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 11:47:44 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

Blatent trolling is generally discouraged at a munch - so don't walk around and hit on everything remotely female. It's a social, not "Night at the Roxy".

However - it's kind of a given that if you're single, you're probably going to be interested in meeting someone. Go, talk with everyone, be friendly with everyone, don't expect to hook up on your first (or event third) time out to the munch. If you meet someone interesting, ask if you can take them out for coffee sometime (and if the answer is no - take no for an answer). Otherwise, enjoy the company, get to know the folks there....it'll happen.

It'll also make it easier to meet folks online. I know I take someone who first approaches me online more seriously if they've gotten involved to some degree in their local scene than if all they do is look online.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 4/24/2007 11:50:09 AM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)

Post #: 9

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 11:54:09 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

CrouchingTigress..... Ya beat Me to it.... *laughs*.

As to the OP, you are completely right that you shouldn't start any relationship based on a lie. Those things tend to unravel and make one heck of a mess. Especially if you try to fake yourself through your first scene with an experienced submissive. Anybody with a good aim can flog someone. It takes a lot more than that to be a Dom/me.

Local munches are a wonderful asset. They put you in touch with people who are in your area. Just a suggestion, but don't go with the mindset that you have the sole purpose of meeting a partner. Talk to people and get to know them. (Remember that it's polite to address the Dom/me of any submissive who is already attatched.) They have a lot they can teach you, from both sides of the kneel.

As old fashioned as it sounds, books are also a great resource. Slap on a book cover and you can take them anywhere without raising any eyebrows. If you're serious about learning, reading a book isn't a huge commitment.

Good luck. I hope it is a wonderful journey for you.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 10

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 11:59:54 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Munches - are definately the way to go. And as a helpful suggestion - try dropping the whole real/true/fake labeling - that isn't particularly helpful to start putting people into such groups because it makes automatic assumptions that may not be there. One persons 'true' BDSMer could be a complete fake to someone else.

Watford isn't the ends of the earth. London is easily accessable and there are groups/clubs and munches there. There is even LAM, CCK and LFF once a month. See as you are in the UK... try joining IC (informed consent) and reading the munches and listings there. Meeting or looking for a s-type at a munch isnt exactly frowned upon, after all, that is what they are there for - to meet people who share the same interests. Some of the bigger events are cool to attend. Posting regularly on a forum like here or IC and keeping an eye on the events listings will keep you in touch with who is going. And dont be shy to say 'Hi'.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)

Post #: 11

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 2:49:38 PM

UKEvolutionary

Posts: 60
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

Once again, some interesting & informed posts, for that I thank you all.
Attending Munches I KNOW is NOT the place to look, but it may well be the place to learn, as for "labelling" it's quite clear to Me that you see me as a TRUE person wanting to learn, and for that ......... I thank you, as for LAM, CCK and LFF LAM, CCK and LFF Please elaborate !!

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 12

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 3:43:48 PM

Dastardly

Posts: 58
Joined: 5/30/2006
Status: offline

I'd echo the point about joining informedconsent - it's got all the details of all the UK events and there is something happening every weekend within reach of you

LFF = London Fetish Fair
CCK = Coffee Cake and Kink
LAM = London Alternative Market

All great places to wet your feet so to speak.

Good luck and have fun

_____________________________

'Out of sorrow entire worlds have been built
Out of longing great wonders have been willed'
Nick Cave

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)

Post #: 13

RE: So Difficult - 4/24/2007 4:15:48 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Stop pigeon holing people into real and fake. Just because someone wouldn't make you the perfect submissive doesn't mean she's fake, it may just be that she'd be the perfect submissive for someone else.

Exactly!

Draw on your previous vanilla experience - did everyone you weren't personally interested in deserve a tag of "pretender, wannabe" etc? Instead of "pigeon holing", try filtering instead; seek out your own kind.

Focus.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 14

RE: So Difficult - 4/25/2007 4:30:08 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

Ok, just to confuse matters, Muches are SO the place to look! What are you blind? its a social, its a opportunity to meet someone. Better than trying to 'turn' vanilla's anyday. The situation is set up, that 'nobody' is gonna think your odd for needing this. You will have so many questions answered allready.

Please bare in mind that watching others play, can provide so much education, ideas, talking points too. Lots of learning opportunities to be had at your local clubs too. Most hold educational evenings. And godammit! you live in LONDON! there are loads and loads of really good clubs there.

Although my Sir is far too 'proud' to ask anothers opinion of how to do something, he sure learns fast when he watches lol. His spanking was, well, a little lacking shall we say. Suggestions of improvement were not fruitful. Watching a very lucky girl get a very very nice spanking during a club night, and he never looked back thankfully.

Also, many of my needs, he'd not had experience in playing in those ways. So we learnt from each other. And that's a excellent way to learn i think. A dominant may well of had many subs/slaves, but their erogenous zones on the body and in the brain, will be vastly different to mine. So his experience would count for jack really.

Books are cool. Screw the roses, personally, i dont rank that book highly. I got a lot of my book learning, from libraries at sites such as this one. Literotica has a wonderful library, that ive yet to see beaten, by any site. You name it, they'll be threads, articles going back for years, from some literary people who write well often. As its a kinda writers guild too. Plenty of stories/fiction to read. Beware learning from stories, i was dreadfully upset that i couldnt be suspended for hours like the stories describe.
Mistresswhatever's website, is likely to be touting for business too i find. So saleswoman pitch, rather than reality based.
Whereas Lordupmyself's website, is often dissappointing and hardly inspiring reading about how good his particular delusionary system runs.
Bloggs are educational too, but only if that person is active in the lifestyle. There's only so much unfulfilled need you can bare to read about.
Chat rooms suck in my opinion. Too full of people busy dreaming of what they'd like to do, instead of getting out there and actually doing it.
If you live actively in this life, you dont have much time for chat rooms!
But there are obviously some genuine people there, but lots of 'wannabes' mainly.
Its not difficult. Its easy. You live in one of the worlds most diversive countries, where bdsm is overly catered to. You truly are, spoilt for choice.
Where'as some of us left london, and now live in Queensland australia, that has er 1 club. Lush eh?
good luck, get off your arse, off the computer, and dive in, the waters lovely!
little1

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)

Post #: 15

RE: So Difficult - 4/25/2007 4:38:24 PM

MasterGremlin

Posts: 230
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline

I've yet to hook up with someone when actively looking, vanilla, D/s, anything. Every relationship I've ever had started out discussing something not even related to sex or relationships. Just Blah, Blah, game this, politics that, how to do this or that and then "hey want to go to dinner"

We recently found another person to share our relationship. We were actively looking for about a year and just had started to give up on the idea or at least put it on the back burner. She saw our posts on this site and we started talking, next thing we knew we were talking more serious and then meeting.

MG

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 16

RE: So Difficult - 4/25/2007 6:17:44 PM

Kitte9

Posts: 411
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Seriously... a relationship is a relationship.....they all start out with "How do you do, my name is"...how you follow up that statement kinda sets the tone for the rest. if you get to know the person and develop a base on which to build then it may grow into what you both are looking for.

Actually, a couple of mine started with 'my straight flush beats your three of a kind.'

_____________________________

I am stronger than yesterday

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)

Post #: 17

RE: So Difficult - 4/25/2007 7:35:16 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

My first hands on SM was with the owned slave of a man who I had been watching "work" and asking questions of every Sunday for 3 months or so.

There are folks who are more thn happy to teach people things if they display a reasonable attitude, interest, and at least show a possible aptitude through the questions they ask.

(in reply to Kitte9)

Post #: 18

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